Worry Wart

Yesterday my mind started filling with all of the things that could go wrong with our baby. From development to delivery and beyond. I am generally not a worry wart and yet, yesterday I could not get these thoughts out of mind. What if something is wrong with the baby? What if he or she is not developing properly? What if he or she is born with a severe mental or physical handicap? What will we do? How we will handle it? What if we have a perfectly healthy baby only to lose them to SIDs or some other sort of fatal condition? What about an accidental death?What if this baby has a perfectly normal childhood only to die as a teen or a young adult?

I was so riled up by evening that I burst into tears when Mr. Divasaur gave me a goodnight kiss and whispered, as he does each night now, "thank you for carrying our baby." His reaction was odd to me when I started bawling and blurting out all of the things that had weighed so heavily on my mind and heart. He said, "why are you focusing on the negative? I am sure most mothers-to-be are only sending positive thoughts to their babies. You need to as well. You're going to stress yourself and the baby out by thinking this way."

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WHOA?! Am I the only one that thinks these things? Am I already a horrible mother because I am considering the negative odds that are out there? He was annoyed with me for dwelling on the negative. And he followed it with, "no one expects that their child will have a challenge or an issue. Everyone expects a healthy baby. Even still, people manage to make the best of the circumstances they are dealt, no matter what they are, and we will too." I know he's right. But am I selfish in that I don't wish to be the person that has to meet those challenges? And even more so, that I don't want my child to have to deal with any of that? Is that so wrong? I feel confused and awful for having these thoughts and feelings right now. Especially if it's not normal to be thinking and feeling this way. I want to be positive, to send my little growing being every white light and positive vibe possible. I spend sometime everyday meditating and doing so. But I cannot quell my fears right now. I am hoping when I get to see the little being on the u/s next week I might feel a little better. But for now, I am not going to lie. I am worried.