Note to Self: Expect the Unexpected

Welcome to the world Baby Gavin!

Sorry this is so late, but the recovery from the little man's birth was a little more than I anticipated. Actually, more specifically breastfeeding was WAY more than I expected.

Gavin was born on April 24 at 9:53pm weighing in at a whopping 9lbs 14 ounces. How he made it here is the long part of the story.

My water broke at about 3am on the morning of the 22, and I freaked out told my husband, called my midwife, and proceeded to wait. I cleaned the house and when there was nothing happening at the end of that I went to bed. The next morning there was still no action so I went to an appointment with my midwife to check my progress at 1pm that day. I was about 2cm dilated and soft, but nothing really going on. Here I thought I might be one of those people who could dilate without really feeling much! My water had broken, and no one really tells you that you keep making amniotic fluid so you have to wear a pad and change it constantly to stay dry and comfortable.... weird.

At the advice of my midwife we bought some tinctures called blue and black cohosh to kickstart my contractions. Definitely some of the grossest tasting stuff I have ever tasted. Every fifteen minutes for three hours, but as nasty as it was I guess it worked because by 1am I was having contractions about every 8min and by 3am about every 5 or 6 minutes. I watched tv, showered, bathed, and tried to just relax as much as possible until they got really hard and closer together around 8am. My midwife came to the house around 10 and unfortunately there still really wasn't alot of progress... that was when I started to have nagging thoughts that maybe I really wasn't strong enough to do this. She suggested walking, stretching my legs and pelvis, and by then I was in so much pain I could hard ungrit my teeth let alone start exercising!

I did the best I could and like everyone always says it's almost impossible to describe the contractions. To me it felt like waves of pain that build to a peak and then slowly subside. It was hard for me to breathe and my husband did an amazing job of making sure I drank water and breathed through as much as I could. Now this is the part where I don't want to make this sound like a negative experience to anyone who hasn't done it, so I will make sure I mention what my midwife told me. My labour was "unproductive" labour and that has a very different feeling from productive labour, so please take what I describe with a grain of salt. The baby's position was posterior and wouldn't turn so his head was essentially butting into my cervix at exactly the wrong position.

At around 2:30pm I was done. I couldn't breathe anymore and I could barely think I was in so much pain. I felt like I had to "do" something to regain control. I told my husband we have to go to the hospital. I wasn't even sure that I wanted pain relief I just wanted to change my environment so that I feel like there was some progress. When we got to the hospital, I was quite the sight, I had tried to put makeup on at some point, but naturally it had worn off, and I was wearing my Lulu's, my husband's Led Zeppelin t shirt, and a big red fleece blanket over my shoulders. HOT.

At the hospital my second mom was working which was amazing. If she hadn't been there already I would have called her to come in. She was one of my biggest supports. She took one look at me and said, "come with me honey, I 'll fix you right up." She gave me a shot of Fentanyl to take the edge off and it was just enough to start thinking clearly again. My midwife checked me and I remember saying, I can keep going indefinitely if I am at least 5 and a half cm. I was 4-5, 'nough said.

They hooked me up to monitors and the baby's heartrate was insanely high in the 180's which meant that both the baby and I had gotten an infection from my water being broken for about 36 hours at the time. There was also a lack of variability.

My contractions weren't regular either, and as soon as they said it I knew exactly what was next. The first of many interventions... just what I wanted to avoid.

Oxytocin was hooked up, and the epidural was next. I knew that if I had to get oxytocin the contractions that were already unbearable would become even more so and closer together. Great., Another intervention.

I was much happier after that but I couldn't help thinking how much I had failed myself already. I truly thought I would be tough, tougher than that anyway.

At my next internal I still had made zero progress even after the oxytocin had been kicked into high gear. It was extremely disappointing. My epidural started to wear off and I could feel almost constant pain in my lower left abdomen. I was beginning to worry.

Then around 8pm at another check it happened. Meconium. The last straw. I knew what that meant. My favorite nurse and second mom just left the room without saying anything, and my midwife just told me and simply said, "I'm so sorry." I knew it meant c- section. The ob arrived to check me yet again and confirmed it. The baby and I both had an infection, the baby's position was posterior, the oxytocin wasn't working, my cervix was stuck at 5cm and swollen already, the epidural had stopped working, and now meconium. The doctor said that the baby was stressed but not IN distress, YET. So i had a decision to make did I want to continue until the baby was in distress or I delivered naturally... or a c section. I thought about it for as long as I had time and asked a million questions, and he was amazing. Finally, I asked for his personal opinion and he said he couldn't do that, but my midwife told me after he left that if it were her she would. She said she felt that the baby was more stressed than he did and that I had already labored for 12 hours with very little progress. She said that it would be hard to keep going and then push without risking the health of the baby. So I cried. I talked to my husband and we decided that it was necessary to go the route of the c section to avoid any further complications.

I was prepped and at just before ten they told my husband that he could look at the baby's head if he wanted. I was having alot of trouble during the operation. The spinal worked in the same way the epidural had so I kept trying to tell them that I could feel what they were doing. I felt like I was going to throw up any second and my nose plugged up. I had such a dry mouth that it was hard to breathe and I remember just begging them for some water or ice or anything. When the baby came out I did get tears in my eyes, but almost immediately I just felt so sick that I couldn't even focus my eyes. They tried to give me the baby but my arms and fingers were numb and I felt like I was going to drop him. They took him away to weigh him and my husband went with the baby. I didn't even care what was going on around me at that point I just wanted the sickness and pain to stop.

I had a huge coughing fit and needed to be sedated in order for them to finish closing me up especially because I was able to feel.

After they told me that even the c section hadn't gone smoothly because the baby had shoulder distocia, and was very difficult to get out of my tummy. Not to mention how BIG he was!

I am only writing what really happened here because I have so many mixed up feelings about it all. I really thought my baby's birth was going to be different. I really thought it was going to be beautiful, and I did everything I possibly could to avoid what ended up happening anyway. So forgive me, but it feels like I'm healing some of it by writing it all down. My midwife put it into perspective by saying, "if this were 100 years ago it would have been a labour that would have probably lasted five days and ended with the death of both you and the baby." Thank you modern medicine. The ob said, " this baby would never have come out vaginally with all the complications." Those two statements helped me see that although I tried everything I could to avoid it- it was impossible, and we are both healthy and happy, and that's all I should really be asking for.

Gavin is incredibly healthy and has no lasting effects from the Meconium or anything. He is a darling baby boy, and now that my milk finally came in we are working with each other really well. The first few days were so hard when I didn't have milk and was trying to avoid formula, but now I feel confident that I have what I need to take care of him.

His father loves him to pieces, and our families are absolutely enamoured by him. I am a little bit in awe of the experience and can't wait to see each and every milestone he hits. I know it won't be easy all the time, but there are rewards each and every day that outweigh the tough spots. I feel incredibly blessed to have him in my life and the experience of his birth has certainly humbled me.

I really wanted to add a picture, but they aren't on this computer so I will have to add one as soon as I can. I hope everyone is doing well and, again, sorry about the lateness of this post. I didn't anticipate how long it would take to feel comfortable managing everything long enough to write this enormous post.

xoxo

Pressing the Panic Button

I'm currently at 39 weeks and starting to feel the anxiety kicking in. My hormones haven't been too bad, but lately they seem to be changing and kicking into high gear. I feel scared about the birth now, and felt so comfortable about it before! I am constantly worrying about how my decisions are going to affect others rather than focusing on how I am feeling, and I know that it's not helping or healthy. I'm trying to stop by actually telling the people I'm having trouble with what is going on with me.

Since my last post (two weeks ago, I believe) I have had three appointments. The first was a great consultation at my house to make sure that if I were to want to stay home to deliver I could. Everything on that front is just fine. Our rental house will be suitable and my midwife would like to discuss inducing if I go later than ten days which is right at the end of the month (May 1) anyway. We will labour at home for as long as possible and then decide when the time comes whether to head to the hospital or stay at home. I would LOVE to stay at home, but this is where the thinking of others plays in. I know that I can list probably at least five people that will actually be angry at us if we were to make that decision. I should not have to think about that, but yet it occupies much of my thoughts.

My next appointment was interesting as I surprised myself by agreeing to an internal when I thought I would say no unless absolutely necessary. It was a positive experience. My midwife was incredibly gentle and even though my cervix is posterior she managed to do what she needed to without any pain. She said that the baby's head is down so low that it was almost difficult to get past it to even reach my cervix! I obviously googled posterior cervix to make sure I understood what she was explaining about it, and it's both common and nothing to worry about. Apparently, the cervix can move about with ease and tends to come forward during active labour.

Then at my most recent appointment I surprised myself yet again and agreed to strip my membranes. I am concerned that this will be a big baby and from what I could research about stripping the membranes it can help bring on labour if you are close already and doesn't seem to be unhealthy with a pregnancy that is progressing normally (such as no placenta previa etc.). Because my cervix is still posterior it was a tad more difficult to accomplish, and interestingly it didn't actually hurt, but there was alot of pressure in my tummy at the front. I bled alot and there was a moment of concern, but as I had just had an ultrasound we knew that my placenta was nowhere near the danger zone. I stopped bleeding fairly soon after, and everything was fine.

Then I had cramps through the night (normal) and woke up to my mucous plug coming out! Wow, I know it's normal, but that was pretty gross... That was yesterday morning so now I'm just waiting to see what will happen next :)

In the crazy life areas our rental house is being shown now, and it's terribly annoying to have to make sure that I tidy up constantly when I'm EX.HAUST.ED. Especially because I am still working full time (plus some OT) and there is really no time between trying to finish last minute things, working, and both houses...

Our rental house is mainly packed but for what we are still using... the new house is coming along great but as with all renos it could be faster... could always go faster.... I am almost done all the main cleaning but it's so difficult to do when there is still some of our stuff in there! Ryan thinks that the painting should be done this week, so I hope to get our stuff moved by the end of the weekend (the stuff we aren't using) and therefore create less to worry about later...

Physically I feel good once I am up and out of bed in the morning, but nighttimes are getting progressively worse. My pelvis and hips seem to lock up in the night and I can't get out of bed without some serious work. It hurts so badly and it's a sharp breath-taking pain that shocks me pretty badly when I'm half asleep and dying to pee. In some ways I need to have some major discomfort because I'm still comfortable enough at this point to keep the little guy inside for another month or so... I need to start to feel that agonizing get this kid out of me- I'll do anything feeling so that I will ready for labour. Right now I feel like work and the house are too crazy to throw the kid in the mix right now!

Have a good week everyone and I'll update again soon!

37 Weeks and the Countdown is ON!

Ok, last week I was so anxious and worried about what was going to take place this week, and I'm so happy to say that I have no reason to be alarmed anymore, or at least for the moment! The little man has turned back around and according to both my midwife and the ultrasound he is fairly firmly planted deep between my pelvic bones... HEAD DOWN! Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! Thanks to everyone that commented on my last post and wished me good luck- it worked!

We are back on track and now I'm just trying to make it through the days and enjoy the little time left with this baby safe inside. I don't have a ton of time to enjoy it, but I'm really trying to save a couple of hours late at night to spend with my husband just relaxing. It's hard when there are visual reminders of the chaos our lives are in right now under my nose at every turn.

My husband is unfortunately not working very much right now as he is between jobs, and although I'm not worried about this being a long term thing, I am worried about the transition that will take place once the baby comes. It's fairly stressful being the main income when I could pop at any given time without notice. I take overtime when I can and try to stay calm about it all, but I keep thinking about the time it will take for my benefits to kick in and my husbands next job to pay him... Thankfully we have a great support system around us and I know that we won't starve, but you know.... I just don't want to think about this right now especially when I'm really starting to slow down and even though I love my job I would rather be able to work six hours a day if I need to than try to do ten... Ah well, what doesn't kill you, right?

My feet and ankles have started the swell! I don't find it painful necessarily but it certainly looks strange! Other than being unable to get up sometimes from a laying down or sitting down position and the aggressive heartburn I actually feel better than I have in months! I feel a little more tired than usual especially when doing errands or packing or cleaning, but I could handle this for a bit longer!

The renovations are coming along very nicely and should be completed just in the nick of time provided the baby doesn't come early. I'm so proud and thankful to have such great friends (and husband) that helped us out with everything from plumbing to drywall! I will never be able to repay them, but they are in my thoughts every day! The house should be livable in about two and a half to three weeks and we are getting so excited to see it coming together from an empty shell.

We are going to start painting really soon and that means that I (haha, I mean my husband) can start moving our stuff into the house even if it's just in one room and kept in the boxes. I want to have our rental house as clean as possible so that our landlords can show it, and also so that the cleaning will be done before baby.

I still haven't quite made the connection that after I go into labour there will be an actual baby to take care of after. I am totally ready for the labour part of things and am actually kind of excited (in a sick way) to experience the challenge of this birth. However, then what?? I hope I naturally get that mothering instinct thing, but right now it just seems crazy that there will be a little person to take care of soon!

Anyway, I have an appointment tomorrow so I will update again soon :) Thanks again for all your kind words last time! I think they helped!

xoxo

Back to Breech...

Hmmmm... just when I was able to report that everything was progressing without a hitch.... the baby turned BACK to breech. I was so relieved and excited that the huge risk of c-section was gone, and now it's back with a vengeance.

I even made my husband promise not to tell anyone because if his mother finds out and even says one word about it to me I will lose control. I'm mostly joking, but I really will find it hard to bite my tongue if she were to say anything to me in that regard.


We went in for our regular appointment last week and a midwife that was filling in for my usual one felt for the position, and was having a really tough time between the braxton hicks I was having and the baby itself. She started to get worried that the baby had turned breech again and wanted to schedule an ultrasound at 36 weeks to confirm it. Unfortunately the hospital had other ideas and was booked all the way into my 37th week which would not have given us much time to try any natural methods of having the baby turn on his own. Needless to say I was a little anxious..... Thankfully, I just got the call today that my appointment was switched to the day the baby is 36 weeks! So, if we do find out that he is in fact still breech we can try natural methods of turning him for a week before we need to try an ECV.


The natural methods to turn a baby include:

• going in water with your head down feet up
• laying on a board with your feet elevated higher than your head
• Moxibustion- a chinese medicine tool that consists of a herb used near your baby toe
• Acupuncture
• Webster Technique done at the Chiropractors

And there are more that I have missed I'm sure.

Now, the scary thing is the ECV. It stands for External Cephalic Version and consists of an Obstetrician manually turning the baby from the outside using their hands and kind of pushing the baby around. They begin by prepping you for an emergency c-section (great) and giving you drugs to relax your uterus (also great). They have to make sure to lift the baby out of the space between the pelvic bones and tuurrrrrn the baby so that the head is down. The part that doesn't bode well for me is the rate of success is 58% and also the success rate goes down for first time pregnancies.

The complications include the placenta separating from the uterine wall (resulting in a emergency c-section), the risk of the baby's heartbeat dropping (resulting in immediate delivery), and/ or cord prolapse. Sounds fun, doesn't it? Many babies turn back even after the ecv, and apparently it hurts... It definitely doesn't look fun based on the you tube videos I may have looked up. Ah well, I would rather try to get him turned around naturally first, manually second, and still aim for a natural birth. However, if it comes down to a c-section I will be disappointed, but blah blah blah all that matters is a healthy child. I'm practising to say that to people because I will be really sad if I don't get to have the birth I want.

So now for a weekend of waiting. Although with everything going on right now I'm not sure I will have that much time to actually think about it.

I have to pack up most of our house so that we can move it to the house we are renovating. Unfortunately this is difficult because I would really like to have at least one room done in which to put stuff so we don't have to move it ten times... but alas we have to complete painting and trim in minimum the three rooms that are the closest to finished. However, I suppose I could just pack everything up and keep it at the house we are living in until those rooms are completed.

I mainly need to make a place for donating stuff, throwing away stuff, and keeping stuff. I need to purge because I don't want to bring a ton of clutter into a new place. Maybe the nesting energy will kick in! Fingers crossed!

I also need to go shopping for the things that are most critical in preparing for this baby like a diaper bag and the stuff that we need to take to the hospital. I need to buy some nursing tank tops and something more comfortable maternity wear wise to wear around the house. It feels like my tummy is growing out of everything these days! I know this to be true because of the excessive stretch marks that seem never ending! I have a lower stomach that is almost entirely tiger stripes, so hot....

In between the packing, cleaning, and shopping I will need to make time for resting and homework as well... I have a feeling this weekend is going to fly by and the ultrasound will be here before I know it!

Has anyone had an ultrasound at 36 weeks? I assume it will be much different from my 20 week one, and I'm wondering how much detail you can see? Facial features?

Hope to report great news next time! Have a great week everyone!

The Best Appointment in History, and 32 Weeks! Hurray!!

I. AM. SO. RELIEVED.

I could hardly wait to write this post! I have sounded so unlike myself in my last posts that I was hardly recognizable, even to me! Now I am filled with hope and joy, and much more ME!

I had my midwife appointment yesterday afternoon, and had written down all the burning questions that I felt I could not live another day without asking. I didn't even have to. I mentioned at the beginning of the appointment that I had some concerns about the actual process of my labour, my midwife took it from there and led me through the exact experience of birth I had dreamed for. I actually had tears in my eyes I was that relieved.

Now, I don't for one second live in the delusion that everything goes exactly as planned. I am not that foolish, but if things come up that I would prefer to avoid I would like to be informed and an active participant in the decision making process. I truly believe that my midwives are exactly what I need.

Some of the burning questions I had included:

Q. Will I be able to stay at home for as long as possible until we go to the hospital?

A. Yes, in fact we can even plan tentatively for a home birth just in case you change your mind at the last minute and don't want to leave because you are laboring so well at home. When your contractions become regular one of the midwives will come to your house to be with you and help you make the decision when the right time to leave would be.

Q. What will the experience be like upon arriving to the hospital? Will I be checked internally a thousand times and have people in and out of my room constantly?

A. No. You go straight past admitting into a room after signing one document and won't have to see anyone but the midwife (barring complications) until the time to push. When that time comes a nurse will come in to be a second pair of hands.

Q. Will the baby be taken from me and have tests and the weight done immediately or will I be able to hold the baby and potentially nurse if the baby wants?

A. Absolutely not. The only time the baby would be taken away is if there are respiratory concerns and the baby is struggling to breathe, and even then it would be taken to the warmer which is very close to you. The baby comes out and is placed on you and all tests and weight etc will be done fairly leisurely. There is no hurry.

So to confirm there will be no "scrubbing" down of the vernix, and I can just let us both relax and "bond"?

A. While the midwife takes care of any tears and delivers the placenta the baby will be with you and your husband.



Wow. Everything that I was so scared to have happen aren't the way these ladies think at all. I am so incredibly thankful that I chose them and that they have such a great working relationship with the hospital I chose. The weight has been completely lifted from my shoulders and I no longer am thinking about having to "protect" myself while I am most vulnerable. I feel confident and reassured that my body will have the patience and guidance I need to be able to deliver naturally and as enjoyably as possible. I feel so happy.

If my appointment could get any better after that.... I would have been so surprised! And of course it did!!!!

My blood pressure was within normal range on the first try. This has NEVER happened it always takes three tries for it not to be super high.

The baby is no longer breech! He is head down and low which indicates that he fits well in my pelvis! So, at the risk of sounding incredibly rude...... All of the people in my life that have been using the "scare tactics" to inform me that I "would" be having a C-Section- YOU can suck it! Ahhhhhhh that felt good.

Also, I am measuring normally again! I am 32 weeks and measuring 33 cm so I'm not far off exactly where I should be :)

Then things got even better! Without even asking my midwife volunteered that my weight gain is completely within normal range and that I have gained only baby so far! I feel like a giant heifer, but it certainly felt good not to be incredibly worried about it for a while. I have gained 23 pounds in total so far, but I was a little heavy before I got pregnant.

My appointments start every two weeks now, and it felt like I would never get to this stage, and unfortunately was actually even dreading getting to this stage. I feel much different now. I feel calm and ready to take on both the challenge of labour, but also motherhood. I feel like this baby and I are on the same side now rather that fighting against each other. I feel like it's time to start embracing the joys of this pregnancy rather than focusing on the negative. Because realistically it's a miracle that it even happened and a much unexpected one as well.


Thank you for everyone's comments on my last post. I am still grieving, but I know it will get better. I am still struck by the force of missing him when I least expect it. I love you and miss you Mister Monster and I just hope you are having a great time in cat heaven :)

What a Terrible Week....

This has been the worst week of my life.

I will preface the details with the knowledge that I am very lucky in comparison to many in terms of other terrible experiences they have been through. I do believe, however, that grief and loss is relative and what is devastating for one may be less significant to another. Also, this won't seem very related to pregnancy at first, but I think everything in my life is kind of related to pregnancy in some way or another.

On Sunday morning, my husband and I came home to find my beloved cat extremely sick. He was having a lot of trouble breathing and was peeing blood. I tried to contact our vet, but of course because it was a Sunday (Valentine's day no less) I had to resort to the on call emergency vet. I was frantic, but trying to stay calm for the Mister (Mister Monster is his pet name). We drove straight to the animal hospital, and after a routine check the more specific tests were performed. Mister has always had a heart murmur, but we only found out a few years ago, and he's only five. I have never thought it would be a problem. Mister's breathing was the most important problem and the vet thought x-rays would be best. We agreed, and I told my husband, "He'll be fine, he's always fine." The vet came back minutes later, and Mister was still obviously in distress, but the news was not as I had thought.

The vet said that my precious little guy was in the middle of heart failure. Everything after that happened too fast. I burst into uncontrollable tears. It was awful... we explored his options and at the advice of the vet we decided to have him put to sleep. I was by his side the entire time petting him and trying to keep him calm as he continuously struggled to breathe, and his little head was in my hands. The sedative didn't work because his circulation was so bad and the vet had to put the second needle in while he was still awake. It was the most excruciating experience. I wanted to remember him peaceful and sleeping, but when he died all the sickness that was caught in his lungs came out through his nose and mouth, and I can't stop thinking about it.

The worst part is that my husband is so distraught over it all that he keeps looking it up on the internet to see what we could have done or if the emerg vet could have been wrong. I know it's part of his healing process, but it tears me apart, and now I have begun to question it myself. I even resorted to calling our vet (the one we love) and asking for her to take a second look at the x-ray to give us her opinion. I know that it won't solve anything, and it's totally irrational, but I couldn't help myself. I miss the little guy all the time and I keep thinking I hear him or will reach over to pet him without thinking.

I feel so awful that we weren't home the night before it happened and couldn't even spend his last night with him when I would give anything to have that night now. It makes me question everything to do with becoming a mother and making decisions for a child that will be as helpless and without a voice as my cat at first.

My house feels dead, completely void of life, and it's been a week and I just can't stop crying.

On top of all of that the house deal went through so we begin renovations (tearing things down anyway) tomorrow. I should be excited or at least interested and I have no energy for it.

Also, my mother in law is usually amazing, but I can't STAND talking to her about anything baby related. We were there for dinner the other night and I thought I was going to explode with anger. She covered "You are huge!", "That baby is going to be gigantic!", and a story about how I need an OB because I'm "obviously" going to need a c-section since the baby is still breech... I tried to be reasonable and count to ten, but honestly this needs to stop. I finally said something along the lines of I don't think I can talk to you about this anymore because it feels like you are trying to scare me and I still have EIGHT weeks to turn the baby... There are many natural methods that I am using and I feel very confident that I will not have to resort to a c-section. And she wonders why I'm not going to her hospital (she is a mother and babes nurse in a hospital with a super high c-section rate) and that I don't want her in the room! I mean please! She is stressing me out big time right now, and I'm worried about my blood pressure with the way I have been feeling lately. I am really trying to go as natural as possible and I don't think it's fair to have to validate my position on these things especially to someone who is supposed to care about me and the baby. I mean using what I consider "scare tactics" is kind of a low blow if she's actually trying to help. It's incredibly frustrating, and I really hope my midwife can ease my mind about these things. I kind of feel like my birth experience is rapidly being taken out of my hands and I need to start feeling more safe and comfortable with it. I want what will be best for the baby, but I can't help thinking that our bodies were designed to do things, and all these interventions are going to be forced on me in a critical moment of weakness.

I have my appointment on Tuesday, and I'm thankful that my husband will get to come this time, as he hasn't even met my midwife. I am hoping to go over my concerns about interventions and try to work something out with her so that I can remain at home for as long as possible before heading to the hospital when the time comes. I still can't believe it's this close now. One girl I know mildly well had her baby at 33 weeks and I just can't fathom the thought at this point! I am only now getting used to feeling the baby move fairly often.

I am still having intense trouble with my pelvis and it's impossible for me to turn over in bed or even get out of bed in the night without help.... this makes life a bit difficult for my husband....

Sorry for the garbled post, but thank you to anyone who reads and can understand where I am coming from. I feel a bit alone about all of it. It feels good to get it down in black and white to truly understand the overwhelming emotion that I haven't really been able to put into words until now. So, thank you. I hope everyone has a good week, and next week maybe I will be able to stop crying long enough to write about my appointment and maybe some positive things. I hate being such a negative writer.

The Little Frog Prince

First of all, Congratulations to Divasaur and her new little one! Thanks for taking the time to give everyone the insightful information too :)

This week has been very productive! I found crib bedding! If you can't tell I'm absolutely ecstatic about it because it means the beginning of decorating etc. I needed to find a central idea to base everything around and it took much longer than I thought, but eventually I found it! I really wanted to find something less "blue" and more green/yellow... So, I finally found a lady selling a designer crib set that looks brand-spanking new for an incredible price online, and it's green/ yellow more than traditional baby boy blue. It has a little frog princes on the blanket, and originally I wanted to do something with dragonflies, so this might even work with those if I plan it right. I am thinking a sage green for the room itself with maybe a border of dragonflies, but we'll see- I have a scary feeling my husband will want hockey stuff in there, and as much as I LOVE hockey I just don't want the room to be covered in paraphernalia.

Also, I don't know if everyone has seen this, but there is this cat food commercial in Canada that has this man sitting on a porch loving his cat with baby talk ( I mean really embarrassing himself loving that cat), and his guy friend walks up unnoticed and is completely weirded out and says something about them going to play golf. Anyway... there is this part where the guy calls his cute cat a "handsome little prince" and I can't stop picturing my husband talking to our cat similarly to this guy! And now he does it just to make me laugh, and it really makes me laugh every. single. time. Sooooo... the point of the story is that now with the combination of that commercial and the crib bedding I keep thinking of the baby as the "handsome little prince" and thinking about my husband talking to him in that voice! Something about big, strong men and little tiny babies is just too precious for words.


Also, I have started to feel body parts coming out of my tummy! I have no idea what body part it is, but when I touch it, sometimes.... it pushes back! Based on the excrutiating rib pain I'm experiencing I still think the baby is breech and it's his head lodged under my ribs, but there is alot of time for him to turn around so besides being uncomfortable I'm not worried. It feels ten times more like a baby in there- now that we can interact a little more! I can't wait for my husband to feel it, but it seems like the baby picks and chooses when he wants to make an appearance and evenings just aren't very active for him. It's so amazing to feel the sliding movement across my tummy and thinking about him changing positions in there :)

I think the baby is getting much bigger and fast... I have developed a monster tummy where there was a small pooch before, and stretch marks like it's going out of style. My poor husband took a look at my tummy yesterday and all he could say with sad eyes was "oh babe...." Yeah I'm going to guess and say that's not a good sign... I have always had issues with my weight and although I've never been huge I can't help but panic at the rising number on the scale.... especially considering how rapidly it came on... my midwife said that it's a bit alarming as well, and although I have no problem gaining the necessary weight to have a healthy baby etc. I do have a problem with seeing it creep on all over my body and more importantly thinking I am actually eating fairly healthily! No matter how big or small someone is I'm sure the rapid weight gain (which doesn't help the stretch mark situation) of pregnancy is still alarming, and knowing that makes me feel a bit better, but I would like it to just slow down a little so that my mind can catch up with the changes my body is making!

So between school and work (and life) I am trying to fit in more exercise, but I won't lie most of the time I just don't have it in me to venture far from the couch once I have time to actually sit on it. I still feel the effects of the accident on my pelvis and the increasing pressure of a baby sitting on it is not helping, nor is it motivating to get my butt in gear and go exercise. But the point is I am trying! The sad thing is I know it would probably even make me feel better and less stressed, but it's just so hard to get at it!

I hope everyone has a great week, and sorry this post was so long!

Mixed Bag of Complaints...

It is starting to feel as though the countdown is amping up... I didn't think it would happen this soon, but I feel as though I can't get enough done and the list is ever growing!

My husband and I met with our Doula who is providing her services for free because she is a friend of his family and also because she needs to attend a number of births for her training. I love the idea of free, but I'm having a little bit of trouble feeling comfortable with the idea of someone I don't know very well having so much participation in this experience. I wanted to limit the number of people in the room during the whole thing period, and it seems a bit strange to start inviting people in even when they are there specifically to help me...

In my defense, I didn't know what accepting her offer to be a Doula meant at the time I said yes, and now I kind of feel like it's too late to back out. Especially if it could end up being a good thing.... I think it will definitely help my husband to have someone he knows making sure that we are both doing ok, but I feel weird! I just wanted as quiet an experience with my lady bits as less-on-display as possible... but everyone always says it never goes the way you envision it anyway... The thing is that she lives fairly far away and who knows fate may intervene and maybe she won't make it on time anyway who knows.

In other news, I feel so relieved to say that my test was negative for gestational diabetes, and although I am so happy for myself I am feeling Bibliosaur's pain as she goes through it all! I feel like it was more likely for me to have tested positive though as I feel like I just can not control the amount of weight I'm gaining... I'm scared to death to step on the scale again next month! Ah well, there is only so much you can worry about...

We are talking to our landlords tonight about our living situation and we hope to be able to get out of our lease two months early in order to move for March 1 into our new house! Although, it won't be very much fun for at least a month or so as we will be extensively renovating.... I am looking forward to the move though as I love the clean and purge that comes with packing. Also, it will be pretty neat to set all the baby's things up where they should go in the new nursery etc. There is a sold sign on the house, so although the closing date isn't until Feb 18th I believe it's a done deal. Yay! It feels as though we are rapidly becoming adults!

News just in... I just had the awkward "I can be there" when the time comes conversation with my MIL just now... I'm pretty sure my temperature went up. I love her to absolute bits and pieces, and she has a medical background that is going to be amazing, but I just can't fathom the thought of how many people are going to be milling around in a time that I would honestly pretty much prefer to be alone.... If that were a safe option obviously.... How do you respond to that offer? I mean I pretty much just said I'd rather have as few people as possible and we'll see when the time comes... but, oh jeeze... at least it wasn't in person! I really didn't want to offend her... I guess we will really see what happens closer to the date anyway....

Anyway, we are starting to feel the baby from the outside, and it makes the experience so much more real for me! It's turning into more of a thudding feeling rather than the muscle spasm or twitchy feeling. Sometimes my whole belly moves and it makes the room feel like it has moved! I'm excited to start being able to see little body parts moving in there :)

I experienced my first influx of hormones last night.... I was perfectly fine, tired, but fine, and watching a movie with my husband when it turned into crying and being intensely annoyed that the phone would not stop ringing. Not only would it NOT stop, but there was not a single call for me! He was busy planning his weekend meanwhile I feel like I've dropped off the face of the earth with my friends. I haven't seen most of them in ages... I acknowledge that my friendships are going to change, but I didn't think it would be this obvious... Anyway, I went to sleep annoyed and angry, but when I woke up this morning I was ok again thank goodness. I have been trying really hard to avoid making my husband uncomfortable and he's been so great to me (most of the time) that I don't want to be mean, but sometimes it's just so hard to pretend that I'm not upset about other stuff. Nothing about his life has changed and my entire life HAS. He still gets to do whatever he wants on Saturday nights and I guess I'm starting to feel like we have a limited time together to do fun things before baby and it would be nice if he could stay home on the weekend once in a while.... But, alas, I know what the next three weekends entail, and I'm pretty sure there is no hope for that at all....

Also, I'm planning his birthday party, and I asked his friends to pick a place he would like to go after dinner, and the only thing they could come up with..... was the strippers! Normally, I honestly wouldn't even care, but I'm fairly vulnerable feeling right now about my own size and the thought of him ogling perfect little young things is almost too much for me to bear. I don't even think I should feel bad about that... to me it makes sense that I feel that way, but good grief try explaining that to a bunch of twenty something boys. Gah!

Well, I hope to write again soon, and I hope everyone's week goes well!

Huge Fundal Height Measurement

Hi Everyone,

I had my midwife appointment yesterday. Wow. It seemed like a lot of information to take in this time.

The major points include:

• My fundal height is measuring 29.5cm when it should be 27cm...
• My blood pressure is high (it usually is a tad high, but higher than normal this time)
• My twenty pound weight gain in two months could be contributed to Gestational Diabetes

It actually makes it seem less overwhelming to see it all laid out in three lines of type. That helps. I think I was most alarmed by the fundal measurement as my husband's family makes HUGE babies. To put it in perspective I am just under 5'2" and don't think a large baby will be able to come out of me very easily. Not only that, but his family insists on bringing it up every. single. time. we talk about the baby. I truly thought that I would be able to convince it to be on the small (but still healthy, of course) side through sheer will.
My blood pressure is typically a bit elevated most of the time, and usually we do two or three reads to try to get the most accurate one. I think it's a bit of the white coat syndrome even though my lovely midwives dont' wear white coats ;) This time even the last read was still a bit high, and I'm just hoping it goes down. I was relieved to hear that they would be with me no matter what (well, except for a premature birth) even if I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, or gestational diabetes.
I am going to take the Glucose test tomorrow morning because I don't think I can wait too much longer without knowing and you are supposed to do it before the 28th week anyway. I also have to do a food diary for three days to see if there are any areas that they can help me in terms of nutrition. I gave a quick description of what I have been eating like and they both seemed to think that it sounded ok, but I do need to get some exercise in. I explained that my hips and pelvis are still really bothering me since the accident and they recommended swimming... However, as nice and lovely as all the weightlessness sounds.... the fear of the dreaded bathing suit may take some getting used to. I literally haven't worn a bathing suit since I was about sixteen or seventeen, and I admit to some body image issues. I am going to try to find a prenatal yoga class that will work for me because I do see the benefit in attempting to work out the kinks in my painful parts that will help me in all aspects of my life and this pregnancy.
So, I guess I will post again after my GD test, and hope that it's negative.... more because of the huge baby thing than the maintenance through diet and exercise... that I can deal with I just don't want to give myself more chances to have to have a c-section etc.
The house deal is basically gone through though (YAY!), but unfortunately our mortgage payment is slightly higher than we hoped for so now we have a new set of budgeting to do. Also, we hadn't factored in life and house insurance along with the property taxes etc. It's looking like it will be close to six hundred dollars more a month more than we are paying now. And although it is very much worth it it's still alot to take in especially when my income is going to be cut in half in a matter of months, so we really don't even have a lot of time to save!
It's interesting in Canada that because we legally have almost a year of maternity (at a restricted pay level) that there is basically no child care available for very small children. For those people who may have to go back to work due to financial reasons or because they want to they have very limited options of how to ensure their child is taken care of other than by a family member. I have asked my bosses to allow me to work part time possibly from home after the first few months of getting acquainted with baby, and they said to play it by ear but that it would probably work out great. So I'm hoping to maintain my maternity leave pay from the government, but supplement it with some part time work to make ends meet.
Anyway, have to go now, but have a great week everyone and hope everyone is healthy and happy!

Two Thirds Down One Third to GO!

We are in the home stretch now! It feels like the last twenty seven weeks have gone so slowly, but I can't believe that there is only thirteen (give or take) to go! It's gone so fast and so slow all at the same time. I am only now starting to feel pregnant, and have just started to show. Only one stranger so far has asked about the pregnancy. I am not very big, but I must be carrying high because it's just not obvious that I'm pregnant unless you really look for it. To me it FEELS like I have a mountain sitting on my tummy, but I don't really feel like I look much different.

The baby is getting bigger though, and is now making more pronounced kicks, but they are deep inside me so my husband doesn't get to feel much so far. The baby is still breech from what I can tell because the movement I feel is towards my back and down very low. Also, my new symptom is a nausea-inducing violent rib pain that almost nothing can ease. I have been told that it's most common with breech babies because sometimes their little heads are tucked up underneath the ribs- and it certainly feels like that is the case!

Also, sleeping has become interesting only because I can't roll over without agony. It's awful, and I can't tell if it's normal for being pregnant or accentuated because of the car accident. I still walk like I have been riding a horse because my pelvis is still very sore, and I'm sure the extra weight isn't helping in that regard.

In exciting news, the offer that we placed on a house has been accepted and now we are just in the process of doing an amendment to take off the "subject to's" because our financing was approved etc. So we should know by the end of the week a possession date! I have very mixed feelings about this only because we have a very small window of opportunity to finish the renovations before the baby comes, and as everyone knows renovations are NEVER as simple as you imagine them to be. I also am trying very hard to concentrate on school so that I will be done the blasted course before baby as well. I imagine we will be able to take possession toward the end of February and therefore be able to work on it for approximately two months before the baby arrives...

We also have to consider where we will live during all of this as we don't want to be paying rent and a mortgage at the same time! So needless to say if I thought my life couldn't get more complicated, apparently... it can! It's such an exciting opportunity though, and I can't wait to make it work I just wish I had more time and energy to devote to our new project. As it stands I'm having a tough time making it through a normal forty plus hour work week!

I have my midwife appointment tomorrow though, and I believe this is the one where we chat about the glucose test and set me up an appointment for it. I am irrationally nervous for this one! I am really hoping that the result is negative, but it certainly helps to know that Divasaur has done such a great job of having a positive attitude and managing GD! I hope that I would have her strength to deal with it if it happens.

I am also nervous about my weight gain and that I believe is what is making me extra nervous about the glucose test. I have gained almost twenty pounds now and only in the span of just over two months! I hadn't gained anything until after the four month mark, and now it's like I just can't stop gaining! I don't feel like I'm eating that poorly, but maybe just too much?! I have stretch marks around my old appendectomy incision scar (I think the skin may be weaker there?) and a tiny little patch close to the same area. Isn't this too soon!? I didn't think I would care about the stretch marks, but having analyzed myself I think they represent my fear of excessive weight gain; which up until this twenty pounds showed up overnight I thought I was managing quite well.

I think pregnancy is so beautiful, but unfortunately it doesn't look or feel beautiful on me, and that was a major surprise to me considering how I felt about it before I got pregnant. I know that if I am blessed enough to get pregnant again I will be trying extremely hard to get in great shape before it happens! I would love to have way less body image issues when I experience this again.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a great week! Good luck to Divasaur on her induction :) Welcome to Shortysaur! Good luck to Bibliosaur on the bargain hunting!

25 Weeks!

Hello Everyone!

It's been a little while since my last post, but I am relieved to say nothing much is actually happening at this point it seems.

Everything has still been ok since the accident, and I only have some minor aches and pains to deal with. In light of what happened that is an extremely positive outcome!

Our Christmas season was amazing, but hectic (like everyone else's I think)! I loved every moment of it, and in fact our Christmas tree is still up because I'm not ready to say goodbye yet! I am glad the chaos of it all is over, but I miss my girlfriends that came home for the holidays and have now returned to their homes all over the world.

One of those girlfriends is three weeks further along in her pregnancy, and our friends threw us both a Baby Shower because we won't be together closer to the date. It was a lovely night, and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute! We both got spoiled and it made the whole experience so much more real to see the tiny little things that OUR baby was going to need! I am so thankful to have the friends I do!

I am starting to show now... I believe it has changed only in the last week! It isn't quite as easy to dress as my regular shirts are starting to get a bit snug. I think I'm more sensitive to that right now as well because it feels like overnight I gained a LOT of weight. I'm thankful my appetite has picked up, but I wish I could feel more confident that the things I'm eating are as nutritious as they should be.... I'm still sensitive to alot of foods that I wish appealed to me more. I'm not eating junk food constantly or anything like that, but I am not getting very much meat protein, and other things like that. However, I am still eating and drinking a ton of dairy so maybe that is helping and it seems like my body needs it right now.

On Christmas Eve, my husband felt the baby for the first time! It was a lovely surprise and it made me feel like he was so much more involved after that. Since then it has been few and far between that he has been able to feel him, but I'm sure that it will start happening more and more.

We also signed up for our prenatal classes, and I am a little scared about doing them, but I'm sure that my husband and I can make it into a positive experience. It will be another thing to do together that will make him feel more involved.

In other news, we put an offer on our first house last night, and are just waiting to see if it will be accepted! It is a house that will need extensive renovations and I am a little excited/terrified to see how that will turn out considering I'm more than six months pregnant. I think we can handle it though- with some help! My husband is a carpenter and his dad is as well. They both have done things like this before and I'm excited to see them work together and make magic out of a little forgotten about house. I will feel guilty not being able to help as much as I'd like, but I'm sure I can be director of the creative aspects or something like that!

We also bought a new car two nights ago and I'm very happy with what we decided to go with. We got a great deal and the car is safe and great on gas. A huge selling feature for me was the four doors because as I'm sure you know the Jeep wouldn't have been easy for me to get in and out of especially with the baby! My husband is still in mourning over the Jeep I think though, and he thinks this vehicle is a "family" car and therefore, not very "cool". However, we are making a family, so I told him to get over it! I do understand where he's coming from though and I'm having a hard time accepting all the changes as well... maybe even more than him actually!

I thought I would be in new classes at this point at school and instead I'm still struggling through my ancient unfinished classes with no hope to go back to school for a while! I miss school (being in class, I mean, not these stupid correspondence courses), and I'm hoping to pick up some classes while I'm off work, but I need to investigate and see if it's even worth finishing my degree based on what my goals are in terms of work/motherhood. It's an ongoing process, and I can't waste money on something that I don't have my heart in.

Anyway, that's all for now, it's been busy! Happy New Year everyone!!!

Snowy Days and Slippery Roads

Thankfully this post ends positively, but it was a very close call!

On Monday morning I was driving our Jeep (with 4x4 and fabulous tires) to the nearest city to finish up my Christmas shopping when the unthinkable happened. It was the first morning of snow and I was driving extra carefully with road conditions in my little town the way they are, and I began to slide. I didn't even have time to think, but I tried to frantically stop the slide- to no avail. Before I knew it I was bumping and banging full tilt down a huge embankment on the side of the road, and while I thought I would never stop, a huge tree had other ideas. I finally smashed into a tree at what felt like great speed. The air bags went off and my glasses went flying off my face. I can't describe the panicky feeling of thinking that I would be trapped in a smoke filled vehicle at the bottom of a what I considered a ravine, and on top of it I couldn't see! I had to literally stop myself sternly and take a deep breath and make a plan. I managed to open the window so that I could breathe and find my cell phone on the floor completely covered my everything that used to be in my purse. As I undid my seatbelt I had to simultaneously pray that the car wouldn't shift and move further down the embankment and that I would have cell service in a place that usually doesn't.

I don't know how, but nothing on my body was broken, and I felt only mild discomfort under the adrenaline. I phoned my husband and (for his sake) thankfully he didn't answer so I called my Father in Law next, and I am so proud that I didn't give in to the panic I was feeling and said very calmly to him, "Hi, I have been in a fairly serious accident, and I am going to need some help. Can you please come and get me?" He must have been so confused at first. I couldn't even tell exactly where I was, and I was SO scared that no one would be able to find me because you couldn't see the jeep from the road unless you were looking for it.

Eventually some lovely, lovely people came when they happened to actually see the slide marks in combination with my taillights. They climbed down to my car and hoisted/dragged me up the embankment through some seriously rough terrain. I will be forever grateful that they were there. It helped me so much to make small talk rather than freak out. I began feeling cramping, and I was terrified that the accident had hurt the baby. I was convinced I would see blood everywhere when I got checked out. What a feeling.

My husband, my FIL, and our family friend came to the rescue, and were appalled that I had walked out of the accident with only bruises. The jeep had travelled forty feet down and straight into a huge tree. My husband and I drove straight to the hospital while my FIL organized getting the Jeep towed out.

What a great experience at the hospital, and to my relief it confirmed my decision to choose that hospital for the birth. The nurses were magnificent and performed every test they could to appease my mind and make sure the baby and I were ok. I am so thankful that they made such a terrifying and possibly tragic experience so safe and comforting.

I was given a physical for my injuries (mainly gigantic bruising), blood and urine tests, and the baby was checked quickly with an ultrasound for a heartbeat, then an ultrasound for the placenta (which they let Ryan in to see the baby again), and a non stress test. Everything but for my urine test checked out ok! They found some red blood in my urine that I am to watch carefully for any changes, but otherwise, miraculously, both my little guy and I are ok! I was so overwhelmed with happiness that I couldn't speak.

Now I am feeling the effects of some pelvis pain that discourages me from walking or making any quick movements. I have an abrasion on my face and the biggest bruises I have ever seen on my boobs, shoulders, and legs. All of this is nothing in comparison to what could have happened and I am so thankful to be alive. It truly feels like a Christmas miracle.

I have to make my insurance claim today and the only hugely worrisome thing about this experience is that we may not get a fair reimbursement from our insurance company. I know I shouldn't be worried about that, but the jeep was my husband's baby and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that this happened even though it was not my fault. I hope it works out as best as possible.

On a bright note, I am feeling the baby so much more than before! The ultrasound confirmed that the baby is still head near my ribs and facing my spine, so the non stress test nurse made a note on my file because apparently they need to keep their eye on it if he remains breech. I think it's much too early to worry about that!

I have an appointment with my midwife today, so I will mention that, but I think it's going to be a fairly normal appointment. I am slightly worried about weight gain as it seems to have increased rapidly this month considering I didn't gain anything for so long! I wouldn't be surprised if I gained close to ten pounds! Shocking, I know!

So, to leave off with a message, PLEASE, please, be careful driving. An accident is terrifying no matter what, but with a baby housed inside you it's a much different experience!

I hope everyone is having a great holiday season and stays safe!

My Husband's Getting His Little Hockey Player!

We had the ultrasound I was most looking forward to last week, and although the tech couldn't tell me for sure..... It's a boy!

I did my research before we went and studied pictures of other ultrasounds at the same time frame as our little one, and could see a little "something" between our baby's legs! The ultrasound tech confirmed it with a knowing look, and I think she was one of those nice ones that likes to bend the rules a little.

When we were doing the medical part of the ultrasound my husband wasn't allowed in the room, and I didn't realize how long it was taking, but he was getting pretty worried when he saw three separate couples go in and out before he went in. The baby is posititioned so that his head is near my ribs and his face is towards my spine, so the ultrasound tech was having alot of trouble getting his measurements. She kept asking me to turn over, turn back, and lay on my back, over and over again. He just wouldn't move, so she even tried to use the device to poke him over, and good grief it hurt! I think I had a bruise for a few days under my ribs!

So when I understood how difficult it was for her to get what she needed I was scared that she might not be able to get the gender either, but when I asked she smiled and said, "I already got that picture, do you want to see?" I, of course, said yes, and that's when I noticed the little package he's carrying. Then later on she was trying to get a profile picture, and again he wasn't cooperating, but she said, " see that, poking up?" With what I saw and the way she acted I'm almost positive it's a boy! It's very exciting!

Also, I'm finally starting to feel something too! It seemed like it was taking forever, but I am starting to feel what I can only compare to a tiny muscle spasm deep inside. I felt it for the first time when we were out at lunch on a Sunday and I said to my husband that I thought I felt something and as I was saying it it did it again. I said if it does it one more time it's definitely the baby, and it did mere seconds later! Then I didn't feel anything again for a few days, and now it's happening more frequently!

I have started gaining a little weight I think too. I am noticing a minute increase in my appetite, and at least am making more of an effort to eat even when I'm not interested in it. So, I hope the baby is healthy. I go in for my next midwife appointment on the 16th, so I will check my weight again on the scale I like to use there, and I think I can expect an increase of about five pounds. I have struggled with my weight ever since adolescence and it feels very strange to be worried about how much weight I'm NOT gaining. I'm definitely not trying to diet or anything like that, but I am worried about the lack of vegetables I'm getting. The thought of them still makes me gag, and I have to try to sneak them into things so I don't notice so much that they are in there. Thankfully my husband has been great and makes dinner almost every night so he can sneak a little better than I can. I'm so thankful for him!

I am still struggling so hard to balance work, being so tired, school, and my part time job. It's not coming together as easily as I thought it would! I have neglected my school and part time job so badly that I'm scared about how I'm going to get it all done. I am plagued with headaches and being so tired makes it incredibly difficult to get through my regular eight hour day let alone doing everything else on top of that! I am trying so hard to stay calm and not stressed, but being a naturally anxious person does not help me in that area. The holiday season is only going to make it more difficult to get things done, but I do have about ten days off at the end of December to hopefully get some neglected things done! The sad thing is that I actually miss my schoolwork, and wish it just wasn't so overwhelming right now!

Anyway, more soon! Wish me luck with organizing my much too chaotic life!

Personal Boundaries and Pregnancy/Birth

I was going to wait for another day or so to write so that I could tell about the ultrasound I'm having tomorrow, but I couldn't wait to get these thoughts on "paper", in hopes that seeing it in black and white will make it more manageable in my mind, and maybe other peoples stories and comments will help too.

I can't remember how much I've related about me personally, but I am a pretty "personal" person. In terms of personal space especially. I do not like to be touched in crowds, and in fact Disney World was one of the worst experiences for me because of how much I detest being crowded! Now in relation to pregnancy- I'm sure you can see where this is headed- the concept of being touched without warning, and by strangers no less, gives me the heebie jeebies, big time! I have thought about this quite a bit, and I have decided for my own sanity I will have to politely step back and decline the touches from anyone I don't feel comfortable with, whether it looks rude or not. The people who know me WILL ask first, if they know me at all, and I'll be more than willing to abide.

The other thing that has come up in the same vein as the touching is the idea of personal boundaries during labour. This is actually even hard for me to talk about, so rather than assure me that "I won't care about this at the time" or "the pain will be a distraction from any other concern" et cetera please just think about it like this.... I still have twentyish weeks to worry about this particular concern, and have never experienced labour and delivery before so I have no idea what to believe will happen during that time regardless of what people assure me.

I think I need to backtrack for a minute and explain that this came up because I happened upon a site for a book I am interested in "Your best birth" and may have watched a video of a woman in labour while the baby was having a hard time crowning. It. Was. A. Bad. Idea. I thought it would be educational, but good grief it was terrifying. The woman had about ten people crowded around her nether region touching her whenever they felt like it... and wherever they felt like it. Now I am not so naive as to think that some touching is not necessary, but it was a shock to my system to see how involved it actually gets! One person practically had their hand in her butt for goodness sakes! Not only that, but her entire vaginal area didn't even look remotely familiar to me, it was swollen and.... different. I'm not judging at all and I must admit it is commendable to have the guts to put a birth video on the internet, but having never seen anything like it before it was pretty alarming.

I need to know that I will have some control over what is going to go on during this experience. I am thinking that it might have been either too soon for me to watch something like that, or that maybe I shouldn't have watched it at all. I think I have to watch more during prenatal classes and I'm even more scared of what is going to happen in those videos!

I should have maybe prefaced this post with the fact that I'm not normally queasy or grossed out easily, but this experience has rocked me to my core, and I'm not even sure I can do this anymore. I was actually looking forward to the experience to some extent to live up to the challenge that is presented to us as women. I felt confident that I could come out of this like a warrior!

I know I'm just talking out loud, but I haven't heard anyone else talk about these fears before and now I feel like I'm the only one. Maybe this will go away as I learn more about the experience, and maybe my discomfort over being "unneccessarily touched" will go away as well. Who knows. All I do know at this point is that my blood pressure is raised every time I even think about that video.

So, I have to stop thinking about it, and on to happier subjects! I have my BIG ultrasound tomorrow and I have decided to bring a small token in for the ultrasound tech in hopes that they will tell me the gender at the time rather than waiting for the stupid report! So wish me luck!

19 Weeks and 26 Years Old Next Week!

Wow, when I thought about my birthday when I first found out I was pregnant it seemed SO incredibly far off in the distance. I thought it would take ages to get to this point and now here we are a matter of days away. I made sure I got my hair done yesterday to help me feel a little bit more celebratory, but this year I think I will be celebrating the 19 weeks part more than the 26 years old part. For the first time I do not have a single plan for my birthday, and I think it might even be more enjoyable that way. I kept thinking that I would have all these amazing plans with the friends I haven't been home to enjoy my birthday with in the past few years, but so far with everyone's busy schedules it just hasn't worked out. I think my husband and I will just lay low and enjoy some quiet time (with cake though, there has to be cake) together.

I went for my monthly appointment with my midwife, and asked her a few questions, but thankfully nothing critical has popped up so far. Apparently, my uterus is measuring 16 cm's which according to her is right on track even though I haven't gained a single pound yet! I had about ten or fifteen pounds extra weight on me before I got pregnant, so I do feel like this lack of weight gain is not unhealthy for me and the baby. I think probably in a couple of weeks I'll start to notice some increases there. As long as the midwife isn't worried, I'm not! It just will be nice not to have to lose a ton of weight after having the baby, but we'll see maybe what happens. Thankfully, I'm not depriving myself of anything or dieting in any sense of the word, but I do wish I was able to eat more and want more of the healthier things too. Right now I'm just trying to eat whatever I can as healthily as I can and it could be going much easier.

Also, I asked about the H1N1 vaccine, and it was actually interesting to hear what she had to say about it. She gave me the information as a doctor would and then answered the questions I had. According to her I am not in the high risk category of the already high risk category of pregnant women, so that means that because I'm still less than twenty weeks the baby isn't compromising my lung capacity and won't while the flu is in it's peak period (until Feb). They are most worried about that because of the complications the flu brings to respiratory function. I explained how I felt about the vaccine and she said that while she couldn't tell me what to do she could give me some facts about prevention etc. She also noted that my job doesn't not put me in contact with many people, and any socializing I would normally be doing with potentially infected people has been drastically reduced because of how miserable I've been feeling. She also mentioned that Tamiflu (the common treatment of H1N1) is available at their office so I wouldn't even need an appointment with my family doctor. It isn't a perfect cure but it reduces the effects of the flu drastically. I feel comfortable with that information and have decided not to get the vaccine. I can influence the chances of getting the flu by washing my hands as often as possible, drinking warm liquids, gargling with salt water, and even salt water up the nose if I'm really ambitious or worried (I don't see that last one happening).

On a less scary note I think I'm starting to feel something in my tummy! I am at the stage where I truly can't be absolutely positive of what I'm feeling, but I think there's a good chance it's the little one. I heard the heartbeat at my appointment again yesterday, and I can't help thinking each time, "Oh good, you are still in there!" I keep thinking that it might not be real, and then my husband says.... ummmm your belly is growing..... but I can't really tell... Like I said before I had about ten pounds sitting on my belly before so it's hard to see much more of a change there.

Only twelve more days to the big ultrasound! Which like I mentioned, doesn't necessarily mean anything considering we won't find out the gender at the actual ultrasound. I hate that we have to wait for the report! It's so silly! I can't get over my frustration about that, but I am very excited to begin thinking about this little person as having a personality as well. I'm really hoping for a boy, but I could make peace with a girl I'm sure. My friend is having a girl just before me so it would be cute to have the same, but I'm in love with the idea of having a little boy. I think it will take some of the pressure off having another child because my husband really, really wants a boy. I think we can really only afford to have two kids, and if we get two girls I think he will want to try for a third. I know he would love a baby girl just as much as a boy, but he really wants a little hockey player, and I think it's the cutest thing in the world to picture them out on the ice together.

Anyway, I will write again soon, and sorry for the late update on the H1N1 vaccine. It took ages to make up my mind and the midwife certainly helped me out.

Can Puppy-sitting Cure Baby Fever?

Apparently, it can. I spent the weekend with my husband's parents new puppy, and for the record, it is the cutest thing on earth. However, it is seriously crazy.

The experience began so nicely. DH and I had a great breakfast and then headed over to his parents house. We chatted while they were still getting ready to go, and the puppy was being an angel (of course). Then..... they left.... The poor little guy was really not feeling good, but despite that he had wayyyy too much energy and is obsessed with biting to the point of drawing blood. I really thought this was going to be easy and super fun. I mean, who doesn't love being around puppies?! DH and I played with him and actually got a kick out of his puppy antics. Then my husband wanted to go watch the hockey game and stay over night in the city with his friends, and at the time I really knew I needed to be supportive because he really did deserve a night out. However, I did not anticipate the night this puppy would put me through!

After DH left we were ok for a couple hours. Then the puppy started not feeling good and even though I was watching him like a hawk he still managed to have extremely, extremely messy accidents all over the house. I am not kidding it was one of the grossest and exhausting nights I have been through in a long time. One good thing that came out of it is that apparently I can deal with a lot of sick poop, so hopefully that part of a baby will be no prob. The frustration of not being able to talk to the little guy to figure out what was going on, and taking him out COUNTLESS times for him NOT to do anything until the second he came inside was beyond me.

Keep in mind that the fatigue aspect of this pregnancy hasn't even come close to letting up yet, and I tend to fall asleep (whether I like it or not) at about 8:30 or 9 every night. This particular night I managed to squeak in a half an hour while the little monster was asleep and then had to monitor/ try to keep him from drawing blood until about 1am. Not cool. I was a wreck by that point. I was supposed to be able to just put him in his house and he'd sleep... ummmm no... that did not happen he barked and cried and banged around his house for almost half an hour before I buckled and took him into bed with me. Now this was the cutest part of the night. He was such a little snuggler! That part was nice. Waking up every two hours from 1am until morning was not. I had to call my husband and beg him to come home at about four o'clock in the morning. Although, I felt bad it was worth it to save my sanity.

Anyway, I had strong, serious doubts about my ability to deal with a screaming baby for any longer than I dealt with the poor little puppy. This was intensely scarily eye-opening for me. My husband tried to put it in perspective to say at least I wouldn't be running outside every time I saw the baby sniff the floor because at least a baby wears a diaper, but seriously, I'm not sure I'm cut out for this role as a mother. It's terrifying to think I might do a bad job at it, it's not like you get a second chance! Granted at least babies don't bite as much as a puppy either... so maybe there is some hope, and if not at least I have another four months to forget about this experience.

I also had my first experience with crazy hormones this week. Wow. It's like PMS times a thousand. It was over something so silly too! It is my birthday coming up in about a week, and this birthday will definitely be unlike many that came before it. First of all, it's the first time I've been able to be home for my birthday in about three years, and second, it's not like I will be having an celebratory adult beverages for obvious reasons. So rather than plan a regular party I planned a Partylite Party so that my friends and family could start their Christmas shopping and I would still get to see them etc. Well, so far two people are coming of more than thirty. Hmmmm, so I was already upset that being pregnant changes your friendships more than I anticipated anyway, but I can't even count on them for my birthday? Not even my sister will come, and that unfortunately, was the straw that broke the camel's back. I actually got really mad at her and said all the things I hadn't even known I wanted to say to all my non-existent "friends". I should feel bad, but I'm still so upset that I can't even help myself. So currently I will not be celebrating my birthday except with my amazing husband.

It's a strange place to be in when you are the first one of your friends to change this dramatically I suppose. I really thought it would be different. Thankfully one of my friends is pregnant too, but she lives much further away, so it's different for her. I face the changes of my friends almost every day at least she can excuse them based on distance. Strangers have been more interested in me than my closest friends have. It's a devastating realization that I have to come to terms with sooner than later. Thankfully my husband is so supportive that it makes me miss them less, but it's still tough. Anyway, I was shocked at my response to something that I would normally be fairly calm about. Thanks hormones, but now that I have experienced you I'd like you to go back where you came from.

In other news, I am eighteen weeks today! I have an appointment with my midwife this week and I'm going to ask about the vaccine to put my mind at rest about that. I get to have my hair done that day too so hopefully that will brighten my spirits! I'm seriously 25 and finding greys popping up it's not very cool. Also, we have our BIG ultrasound on December 2, so hopefully the baby is feeling "showy" that day and we will potentially find out what the gender is. The hospitals around here are so stupid. One won't even TRY to find out the sex and the other will only do it if it's obvious and won't even tell us at the time- they wait and write it in the report so that I have to wait for a call from my midwife to find out, which could be days later! Now that I made the decision to find out now I really want to know!

Anyway, sorry this was such a convoluted post, but I'll write a more organized one soon!

Anxiously Awaiting the BIG Ultrasound!

Hi Everyone,

I called my midwife today for two reasons. The first was to find out what she thought about getting the H1n1 vaccine, but I got so preoccupied with my second question that i FORGOT to even ask! I accidentally mentioned wanting to find out an ultrasound appointment before the vaccine, and her response made me lose my train of thought completely. Apparently in my area the only hospital that I can go to (to find out the gender) refuses to do ultrasounds before twenty weeks, and even then they will only put the gender in the report if the baby happens to expose itself. So not only do I have to wait for what seems like forever, but I won't find out at the time for sure, and might not even find out at all! I guess whatever happens, happens, but now that I have finally decided that I DO want to know I REALLY want to know! I would love to find out tomorrow if I could! My girlfriend in the next province found out at eighteen weeks!

Anyway, I am still curious to know what my midwife thinks about this flu vaccine, and then I'm going to phone my family doctor and see what she thinks as well. I can't believe I forgot to ask when I had her on the phone!

I am getting very concerned about my lack of appetite. I am sixteen weeks now, and sometimes I just plain forget to eat! I had a third attack of almost fainting on Halloween, and had to force crackers down my throat just to get something in there. I am trying so hard to make sure the baby is getting some nutrients, but I think I'm doing a bad job. I can't stand the thought of cooking, and eating is almost as bad. I truly thought the "honeymoon period" was right around the corner, but good grief, this is almost as bad as I felt in the first couple of weeks! Not only am I not hungry, but the fatigue hasn't let up either, and I am trying to keep my spirits up but it feels like there is no end in sight. I need at least one day without a ridiculous headache.

I have had the first accusation of being moody as well. One of my husbands close friends informed me, after he had a couple of drinks, that I was being bitchy to his girlfriend. Oh goodness, and I didn't even know. I felt awful right away, and embarrassed too, as I am usually very careful not hurt people's feelings. I asked my husband how bad I have been, but sometimes I think he's almost a bit scared of me, so I can't take him saying I've "been pretty good" too seriously. I could tell he wanted me to ask him something else like how helpful I have been or something like that so he could tell me that I need to starting cooking and cleaning more. What a great man he is, but I just can't help myself being this tired and miserable, no matter how much I want to help him out. Working more than forty hours a week and trying to do school work is taking all the extra life I have at this point!

I want to be in love with this pregnancy and the whole experience SO badly. I have thought about the experience for so long and have always thought pregnancy is so beautiful, but wow what happens along with that miracle is taking alot to get used to. I would give anything just to feel normal for even a day again. I feel like the negative stuff is affecting how much I want to love this little life; which is totally unfair to it.

I despise being negative so I am going to end this positively! My adorable mother in law dropped off a whole bag of maternity clothes and some new (hopefully better) prenatal vitamins for me! What a cutie! I have been trying not to spend too much right away but apparently one pair of pants isn't enough. When she heard that she must have thought I was having financial problems or something. Haha she's so great!

I apologize if there are mistakes in this, but I don't have time to double check right now:)

Have a great day everyone!

Migraines and Pregnancy....

Day 5 of this ferocious migraine. I am not impressed. I am finding it difficult to get the through the days already with the tiredness etc, and now this migraine is making it even harder! I am allergic to Tylenol which the doctor has informed is the only thing I could take while pregnant, so I am left with drinking water to make sure I'm hydrated enough. It is not enough. In the theme of the season, I feel like my head is a pumpkin and someone is scraping out the insides while the front of my head is carved in a grimace of pain. It is getting to be a little too much for me to handle. I'm tempted to take time off work until it goes away, but I already have a concert (wish me luck with that!) lined up for Wednesday night in another city that will make me have to take two days off work. So can I grit my teeth through one more day of work, and then the concert? Well I think I am going to have to because I'm not sure I have much of a choice.

Life has gotten kind of overwhelming lately with all the things I have to do, and don't have the energy for! I keep thinking that I will be able to pick up where I left off when I feel better, but I am on week fifteen and I'm not feeling any better! When do I suck it up and plug through my homework and other responsibilities?? I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a mild panic attack about how my homework is never going to get done, and a filing job my boss asked me to do after hours. I'm going to get kicked out the of the course pretty quick if I don't get something worked out soon! I was doing so well before I got pregnant and I was organized and efficient, and now I'm a space cadet and thoroughly inefficient.

I don't even have the energy to want to go to this concert that I have had planned for months! I would rather stay home and sleep, but I am thankful that at least I can take two days off work. I do think it's kind of neat that the baby will get introduced to music that I love even before it's born :) I wonder if that will influence them at all at this point in their young lives?

I am also wondering how everyone feels about the H1N1 vaccine? I do not want to get it, but I'm curious how everyone else is making their decisions about it? I know pregnant women are supposed to get it first, but I am so nervous about introducing something that is so new and barely tested to my body and the baby.

Also, can an experienced blogger let me know how to make comments on another's post? It won't let me do them for some reason.

I hope everyone is healthy and happy, and I apologize for such a bummer of a post, but it certainly feels good to get it out.

PS. Congratulations to the new Puppy Adoptions this week!

Is at Fourteen Weeks!

We got the results back from our first ultrasound finally! The verdict is healthy so far, but they explained that they don't actually look for very much other than measurements for the first ultrasound. It is mainly just to date the pregnancy. It was still encouraging to hear that everything looks normal so far though, and combined with my blood work they said we are the picture of health! Apparently after going through my family history and my own medical history my blood pressure is something to watch though. They had to take it three times to rule out the "white coat" syndrome.

The other extremely exciting news is that, thankfully, I am not a month ahead of where they thought I might be. This is good because I was worried that any small lifestyle mistakes could have affected the baby when I didn't know it was in there. However, I am a WEEK ahead of where I thought I was:) Soooooo... I am officially Fourteen Weeks! That seems so much more PREGNANT than before! I'm ecstatic because that means that my "honeymoon period" should be arriving any minute now and hopefully my headaches, fatigue, and loss of appetite will resolve themselves soon!

Also, during my appointment I also got to listen to the baby's heartbeat. I thought it would be a more profound experience than it was, but maybe I'm just not as emotional as I thought I would be. I thought I would tear up and it would be a BIG moment for me. I thought it was really neat, and it was just more proof that this little person is holding on real tight in there, and that's the part that means the most to me. Apparently, it's little heart is going about 160 beats a minute which is normal I'm told.

My husband and I were absolutely steadfast in our decision not to find out the gender of the baby..... until......my girlfriend said she was going to find out, and she finds out soon! Now I am on the fence! I don't really know what to do... I thought I would never change my mind, but now I am so curious and would rather be prepared than unprepared etc. It also gives family more information if they will be buying gifts or anything too.... Oh my, I am just really confused and I have to book the ultrasound soon in a different city if I want to find out the gender!

I feel much more positive about the whole experience of pregnancy now that I have more information about how the baby is doing. I really wish my headaches would go away though. My midwife said there is pretty much nothing I can do for migraines, but drink as much water as humanly possible. Which I have been doing, but I feel like I have been plagued with them since the day I found out I was pregnant! I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but the headaches are really affecting the experience for me, and I hope they go away soon. I don't know how much longer I can be a good employee and grit my teeth through these each day when I just want to be at home in the dark with ice on my head.

Good news though! I bought my first pair of maternity pants! They are a bit too big, but oh my goodness are they comfortable! After wearing my Lulu's to work three days in a row I kind of figured I was going to get a talking to about my office wear. Our office is business casual, but yoga pants are stretching it! So... even though it's still a bit early I thought it was more important to just suck it up and do it. I got a cute pair of jeans and I think they will last for a while. They even make them the right length for me, and I have trouble finding my length everywhere else!

Waiting for results on a very wet day on the West Coast!

Good Morning All!

Man Alive! It is raining so hard in my little town today that I was hydroplaning all over the place to get to work. It is dark and gloomy, and I just love it! I was living in the prairies for the last two years and we barely ever got rain there, and who knew that I would end up MISSING it! I am warm and cozy in my office, no one is here yet, and I am sipping my decaf pumpkin pie chai latte without a care in the world (for a moment anyway!). I can hear the sounds of the rain on the roof all around me, and who doesn't love the sound of rain when they don't have to go out in it :)

Anyway, on to more serious topics. I hope it won't make this hard to read jumping from how I found out I was pregnant to twelve weeks later, but I can't think of anything that stands out in terms of the pregnancy since then. However, on Thursday, last week, my husband and I went for our first ultrasound, and it was even more miraculous than I imagined it to be. I think I am one of those types of people who "believes it when they see it." Up to that point I was trying to be rational telling myself that if I had a miscarriage or something awful happened I wouldn't know what I was missing. When I saw that little, tiny, fully formed, baby on that monitor it was game over. Although I can't stop myself wondering if it's just too good to be true- in an instant I became head over heels in love with this little life changing miracle. I know the instant that it happened and I think it will truly be something I can never forget. I didn't have a clue that when poked (with the ultrasound device) it would react! It was almost like it was saying "Hey, now that you know I'm here can you quit poking me already!"

The reason I got the ultrasound at eleven weeks was because, according to my midwife, it is possible that I'm a month farther along than I think I am. I had "the scare", as I refer to it, in June and a very short, light period in July, and I'm assuming the midwife thinks that it could have been implantation bleeding rather than my period. I am slightly worried to think that I could have had this little being in me for a month longer than I knew about because I wasn't trying to get pregnant and I know that I had at least a couple of drinks during that month. I always thought that when we determined that we were going to start trying to have a baby I would start acting like I already WAS pregnant to avoid the feeling of what could I have done better. Since I found out about the baby I have been a model of health, or tried to be, but the MS has made it difficult to eat as many vegetables as I'm accustomed to.

Anyway.... right now I'm waiting for the results of the ultrasound and it's already been a week! I thought it would have been a bit quicker than this, but it was Thanksgiving in Canada so that might have slowed things down. I know it won't change anything the sooner I know the results, but I just don't like the feeling of not knowing.

Well, I should start working now, so I will update soon :) Have a great day everybody!