My twins have arrived!

I'm SO sorry it's taken me so long to post this! The twins are now exactly four weeks old, and it's been a crazy time - things are only now settling down enough for me to take the time to write their birth story.

At 2pm on April 20, I turned up at the hospital for my induction - by 4pm I had an internal exam confirming I wasn't dilated or effaced at all, and given my first Cervidil treatment. I was startled at how quickly it took effect; I was having contractions within 10 minutes, and after half an hour, they were only 2 minutes apart. The next 6 hours passed in a blur of pain - the only relief I found was in standing or sitting in a warm shower...I spent HOURS in that water!

By 10pm the contractions were strong enough and close enough together that the nurse and I were hopeful that I wouldn't need a second dose of Cervidil, but no such luck - another internal exam showed I was only barely dilated (possibly around 1cm) and still not at all effaced. I nearly started crying - the last 6 hours had been so painful that the idea of dealing with those contractions for another 6 hours was agonizing.

I was given the second dose of Cervidil and also offered a pethidine injection, which I gratefully accepted; I was exhausted from the rapid contractions and worried that when the time came for me to actually push I'd be too tired - the injection allowed me to relax and catnap for a little while. After half an hour or so, I got up for yet another shower, and when I stepped inside I felt warm fluid gushing down my leg - my water had broken. I nearly cried with relief, thankful for the confirmation that labor was progressing.

Five hours of painful contractions later, I was exhausted and begging for more pain relief, and another internal exam showed that I was finally 5cm dilated and ready to move to the delivery room! At that point, I'd been having agonizing contractions that were only 1-2 minutes apart for 11 hours and I was exhausted, so when I was offered an epidural, I didn't hesitate to say yes. The actual process of getting the epidural was a bit difficult - the anesthesiologist didn't get the placement correct the first time and had to re-do it - meanwhile, I was in severe pain and trying desperately to keep still during the contractions. The end result though? BLISS. I wasn't numb from the waist down like I expected - in fact, I could still feel everything and even move on my own - but it took the pain away and let me rest for a while.

(Side story: when you get an epidural, you're warned of the possible - though fairly unlikely - side effect of an epidural headache. Pay attention to this! That first failed epidural ended up giving me one, and it was one of the most stunningly painful experiences of my life. I honestly can’t describe just how bad it is…it’s like a incredibly severe migraine, but in addition to photosensitivity, etc., there's positional sensitivity as well – I could just barely tolerate life if I stayed flat on the bed, but the instant I tried to tilt my head upwards it was like getting smacked in the brain with an axe. I was completely incapacitated for two days before the problem was fixed with an epidural blood patch, and ended up being in the hospital for a total of seven days from the start of my induction to my final discharge.)

Eight long hours and several internal exams later, I started feeling tremendous pressure in addition to the pain from the contractions (the epidural was more or less completely worn off by this point). My doctor had told me to let her know if I experienced a pressure that felt like I needed to poop, but this was different - it felt like I needed to pee. I told the nurse and she asked if I felt a need to push. "Not really," I replied, "Just like I really, REALLY have to pee." When the pressure didn't let up over the course of another 15 minutes or so, I finally asked them to do another internal exam. I was convinced the pressure meant things had progressed, even if it was in the "wrong" place - and sure enough, I was 10cm dilated, fully effaced, the first twin was making his way down the birth canal, and it was time to push!

And push I did, for an hour and a half. And nothing. Nada. The baby wasn't moving at all. At one stage I had two doctors and three nurses staring at my nether regions to make sure I was pushing efficiently and effectively, and I was - but that little boy was stubbornly refusing to negotiate the final curve of the birth canal. By this stage I was incredibly exhausted and in an immense amount of pain but since the twins were still doing fine, my doctors offered to give me another small dose of the epidural to give me a chance to rest and regroup for another try. 45 minutes later, the dose was starting to wear off, and we were ready for round two.

For the better part of an hour, I gave it my all. I'd been put on a Pitocin drip to try to help increase the strength of my contractions and push the babies out, but by the end of round two even that was failing - my body was so exhausted from 19 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing that my contractions were starting to slow and weaken, even with the drugs pushing them along. Clearly, something had to give.

My lead doctor came and stood by my head. "We can keep going if you want," she said. "Your babies are still doing OK - their heartbeats are fine and neither are in distress. However, you're pretty exhausted and I honestly don't think you will be able to push these babies out. If you want, we can try to help with vacuum extraction, but I don't think it will be very effective and it may cause them to go into distress. You've given this a very good try, but at this point I'd like to recommend a c-section."

I stared at her through a fog of pain and exhaustion. A c-section? I'd known from the beginning that there was a good chance I'd need one with twins, but I'd been so hopeful that I'd be able to have a vaginal birth. I turned and looked at Mr Bibliosaur. We didn't really need to discuss it - we'd already talked about this in the weeks leading up to this moment and agreed that we would do whatever was necessary to have a good outcome with two healthy babies...so if that was a c-section, then so be it. We looked at each other for a moment before I quietly nodded and he nodded back at me. I turned back to my doctor - "OK. We'll do the c-section."

Things were a hectic blur from that point. The doctor left immediately to make sure an operating room was ready, and the nurses rushed to get me prepared. A short time later, I was lying on an operating table getting a massive epidural dose and Mr Bibliosaur had been taken away to scrub up - I was nearly frantic with nerves by the time he returned. The actual surgery was faster than I imagined - it seemed like only a minute or two before my doctor was holding up the first crying twin and asking Mr Bibliosaur if we had a name picked out. "William," my husband beamed, "His name is William." "And this one?" the doctor asked, pulling out the second boy. "Dash. That's Dashiell."

I started crying with happiness when the nurses brought them over so I could see them. I could barely believe it - Will and Dash were finally here!

The stats:
William John
6lbs, 12oz
20 inches
Born April 21, 2010 at 3.40pm

Dashiell Thomas
6lbs, 8oz
19.5 inches
Born April 21, 2010 at 3.42pm

The boys on their birthday:

Will is on the left, Dash is on the right.

13 days old:

Dash is on the left, Will is on the right.

17 days old:

Dash is on the left, Will is on the right.

24 days old:

Yours truly and my boys: Will is on the left, Dash is on the right.

My journey through trying to conceive and pregnancy has been an amazing experience, and I've been honored and privileged to share it with you all. I can't thank you enough for your support, encouragement and advice - I don't know what I'd have done without this blog as a place to vent my worries and celebrate my good news. Mr Bibliosaur and I have had our share of ups and downs over the last month as we grow accustomed to our new role as parents, but I'm humbled and amazed that I am the mother of these two gorgeous and perfect little boys.

I'm intending to keep blogging over at Littlesaur, and I hope you'll follow me there - raising twin boys is going to be one hell of a ride!

OMG...I could be getting induced!

I just got home from seeing the doctor who is overseeing my gestational diabetes. While I was there, he asked me what the plan was, and that conversation got him all riled up and pissed off at the hospital...

Me: "The plan?"
Him: "Right. You know, for the birth. You're very nearly 38 weeks."
Me: "Oh. Well...there isn't one."
Him (after a long pause): "What do you mean?"
Me: "Well I saw Dr S [my OBGYN] yesterday, and he thinks I need to be induced, but it's not up to him - it's up to the doctors at the hospital. And Dr H [high risk doctor that I see at the hospital clinic] is still on vacation and will be for a while longer, so I'm seeing other doctors until then. It's a different doctor every week, depending on who is filling in for him."
Him: "So...who is making this decision?"
Me: "I don't know. Whoever is there at my appointment next week, I guess? Maybe?"
Him: "But you don't know who that will be."
Me: "No."
Him: "And they may or may not decide to induce you next week."
Me: "Right."
Him: "Do they know you have GD?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "And they know you're having twins, right?"
Me: "Yes, of course."
(another long pause)
Him: "RIGHT. Look, I don't usually get mixed up in the obstetrics side of things, but I'm going to call the hospital right now. This is ridiculous - you don't have anyone caring for your case!"

So he called the hospital, talked to the head nurse and gave her a rundown of the situation, then asked to be transferred to Dr N. I'd never been told about this doctor, but apparently he's another high risk specialist like Dr H. My GD doctor told Dr N: "She is 37.5 weeks pregnant with twins. She has gestational diabetes. Her blood pressure has shot up to 150/90. She has edema. She is clearly extremely uncomfortable and struggling. She needs someone to make a decision about her case - NOW."

So I'm seeing Dr N at 4.45pm today. My GD doctor told me to be prepared to be admitted, just in case they decide I need to go in tonight (!!!). Of course, Dr N may want to schedule it for tomorrow (!!!), or - you never know - he may even decide I can wait until next week (which is still a yaaay because at least a decision would have been made!).

I'm equal parts excited and terrified that this could be happening so soon...on the one hand, I am SO READY for these babies to be born, and on the other hand, I'm utterly petrified at the thought! It almost makes me want to go, "Wait! Maybe they can stay in there another 10 or 15 years. Let's all just sit down and talk - we can negotiate!" (Mr Bibliosaur, by the way, is beside himself at the idea that he could get to meet his sons so soon - he has been SO eager and impatient for these little ones to be born!)

So please send some good vibes or happy thoughts or whatever else you can spare that everything will go smoothly, no matter what Dr N decides. Honestly, it's just nice to have someone who will actually be able to make a decision about my case!

Hospital fun

I went into the hospital on Sunday for a routine 20 minute CTG scan - they hook you up to a fetal monitor that traces the babies’ heartbeats and also checks for contractions. To make a long story short, they became concerned because some contractions were showing up on the trace – I knew I was having them, but I hadn’t worried since they were so mild and so irregular (especially since they can last for weeks and mine had been going on for several days without worsening).

They put me on nifedipine to stop the contractions and I spent the next couple of hours periodically hooked up to the CTG – things settled down a fair amount but not all the way, so they kept me in for observation and further monitoring and treatment for the next 2 nights, which was about as thrilling as you might imagine (mmm...hospital food...).

Possibly the worst photo of me EVER. Hopefully the enormous bare belly isn't too disturbing...

By yesterday afternoon everything had smoothed out, so they did an ultrasound to double check that all was OK (along with the most painful internal exam I've ever had - OMG the doctor was awful) and then released me with a prescription for more meds and instructions to do even less than I had been before, which basically means I can do...well, nothing, really. I don’t have to stay in bed, but I’m not allowed to do much else.

The part of all of this that has me upset is that they’ve also adjusted my due date forward. For some reason, the hospital has taken my original due date – May 3 – and added five days to it. I asked three nurses and two doctors why the date was different, and none of them could give me an answer beyond, “That’s what it says here. Besides, five days isn’t that long.”

Well maybe it’s not that long to THEM, but the date I deliver on is a little tricky. My hospital will only take births from 36 weeks onward – anything before that and I will be transferred to a hospital that is a 45 minute drive away (that's the best case scenario – if they didn’t have space, I’d have to go to Sydney). So changing my due date means that in order to stay here, I have to hold on for another TWO weeks instead of one...and frankly, at the moment that extra week looks stunningly difficult.

I’ve been steadily focused on April 5 (the day I hit 36 weeks, which is considered term for twins) for months; it’s been such rough going and I've been hanging on with teeth and nails for the last few weeks - having that date to count down to has meant a lot to me. So for someone to suddenly switch the goalposts is just...well, it’s very hard to deal with, even if it is only a week...I've cried over this more times than I want to admit, I just feel so disheartened.

I’m seeing my OBGYN tomorrow and am going to discuss the date issue with him. I don’t know if he has any influence at the hospital (he used to work in the high risk clinic there and is still respected by many of the staff), but I really hope that somehow they’ll change the date back to May 3. Personally, I think it was probably a simple transcription error somewhere along the line (‘3’ and ‘8’ do look similar) since May 8 doesn’t even match up with any projected dates from any of the bajillion ultrasounds I’ve had, but no one will admit that’s a possibility. If they won’t change it, well...these kids will come when they feel like it and I don’t know if holding on for another two weeks is realistic at this stage, so if we have to go somewhere else, then that’s how it will have to be.

We're so close to the finish line now - please wish us luck...

Twins' nursery: the big reveal!

I'm feeling pretty excited today because the twins' nursery is officially finished! We kinda left it down to the wire, so it's a relief to have it done before they arrive.

Here's what the room looked like before:

There was nothing wrong with it per se, but it was a bit...boring. Here's what the room looks like now:

What do you think? It's not fancy by any means, but it's cheerful and happy and Mr Bibliosaur is especially proud of the gigantic pirate ship decal, which was...interesting...to put up (I wish both it and the paint color photographed better with my little camera, because they look quite cool in person). A few details:

• Paint - the color is Secret Blue by British Paints (an Australian brand) - the blue is lighter and brighter than it looks here, and can also have a green tint depending on the lighting.
• Cribs - 'Harbour' by Childcare (also an Australian brand)
• Changing table - DaVinci Jenny Lind in white, bought secondhand
• Bedding - Citrus by Babylicious. I love that you can buy their bedding sets without the useless bumper, plus they're very reasonably priced. You can buy them online through Target, or from Baby's In Style like I did (I highly recommend this store - the owner is very helpful and patiently answered my million questions).
• Wall decal - Huge Pirate Ship w/ Monogram (we got it without the monogram initial) from etsy seller Humsandtiddlypoms.
• Artwork - all prints are DIY and were created in Photoshop. The orange initials are temporary and will be replaced with something similar but different after the babies are born (I need to know their birthdates and weights before I can finish it). The L-O-V-E poster is a shameless rip-off loving tribute to this poster (I loved the idea, but at $45 + international shipping for an unframed print, there was no way I was buying the real deal - my version only cost $20 for the frame).
• Rocking chair - a freebie that I got from a generous friend, and we gave it a little facelift with some paint and new fabric:

What do you think?

Five things

Although I have a few things to write about today, none are really long enough to justify their own post, so I'll just sum up here...

• I had another measuring ultrasound last week - they're getting more frequent as my doctors need to make sure the boys are growing at the same rate, which is always a concern with twins who are sharing a placenta. And OMG - I have big kids! My doctor was confident that it's nothing to do with the gestational diabetes - they're not really fat, just big. One of them weighed 2.45kg (5.4lbs) and the other was 2.428kg (5.3lbs). This means they're already nearly at the average birthweight for twins who are delivered at 36 weeks (5.5lbs), and they're also both over 1lb larger than the average singleton is at this stage. I know that ultrasounds can be off with weight estimates, but yikes! Their heads are still measuring ahead too - both are measuring a bit over 36 weeks.

• My doctor also told me that at this stage he's now confident that if something happened and I were to go into labor tomorrow, the boys are big and strong and would likely be just fine - perhaps they'd need to be on oxygen for a few days, but otherwise he feels good about their progress. This has made me feel more confident and relaxed; I'm now at the very end of week 33 (week 34 begins tomorrow), so while of course it would be ideal to hang in there until 36+ weeks, I feel better knowing that my little ones are now far enough along and well developed enough that if I suddenly went into labor they would be OK.

• My PUPPP rash is now covering most of my torso (belly, chest, arms and sides) and parts of my legs - after discussing it with another of my doctors, he prescribed some hydrocortisone cream for me to use. And oh my...it is wonderful! There's still some discomfort and a mild itchiness, but NOTHING like what it was before. I know that a lot of women who have PUPPP try to avoid the steroid creams, and I did try the natural remedies I've found online, but none of them helped and I'm just so happy to get some relief from the crazy itchiness! 

• I've spent the last week cooking extra meals, and Mr Bibliosaur and I now have enough dinners in the freezer to feed us both for a week and a half after the babies arrive. I don't think we could fit any more in there, so I might call it quits now!

• The nursery is soooo close to being complete! We just need to get the bedding sets (which should arrive tomorrow) and reupholster the cushions of the rocking chair, which my lovely mother-in-law is going to help me with this week. In the meantime, here are a few teaser shots:

Things I've learned

I feel like lately I've been focusing a lot on the negative parts of this pregnancy, so today I want to take a minute and talk about some of the good things - the positive things - that I've learned over the last 33 weeks.

I've learned patience.
Not just the patience that comes with time spent trying to conceive or growing a baby (or two) for nine months, but patience with my own limitations. This pregnancy has forced me to slow down and take things as they come. I've never been one for dawdling, but these days I couldn't move quickly even if I wanted to - it's just physically impossible. I'm ponderously slow, to the point that I've started giving myself an extra 10 minutes on top of my usual traveling time, just to accommodate my walking speed. And surprisingly, instead of feeling frustrated, I feel immensely calm about this. There's no need to rush. I'll get there.

I've learned to let go.
I'm a planner. A super planner. It's not that I dislike spontaneity, but I truly enjoy planning. But with any pregnancy, you can only plan so much. I never planned on miscarrying with our first child, and I certainly never planned on having twins! I've learned to be more adaptable, more flexible, more relaxed when things don't go the way I thought they would - or should. A LOT of our plans changed when we found out all those weeks and months ago that we were having twins. Everything changed, from our budget to practical considerations like which bedroom would be converted into a nursery. I've become far more accepting of things that I cannot control.

I've learned that anything is possible.
When we found out we were having twins, I told myself, "Well, that's your thing for this pregnancy. Your unusual thing. Everyone has one, and twins is yours." And then I got gestational diabetes, and I told myself, "OK, it wasn't the twins, it's the GD. That's your thing." And then I got PUPPP and in between bouts of trying not to burst into tears from the itchiness, I tried to figure out just how the hell I managed to beat the odds to get identical twins, GD and PUPPP. None of these things are super common, and the odds of getting them all must be...well, it's got to be ridiculously high! But it's not just that kind of thing that I've learned is possible. I didn't know I could ever feel so strongly about one little person, let alone two, that I've never met,  so ferociously loving and protective that it catches me off guard sometimes. I'd wrestle a tiger for these babies - these precious, amazing little people that I've yet to meet face to face - if I needed to. I cannot begin to describe the pure depth of emotion that I feel toward them, and it surprises me sometimes...after all, this is me, the baby hater. I never would have thought this was possible.

Today's post is brought to you by the number 4

Can you believe it? We only have 4 WEEKS TO GO! Just one month! Well, OK - I'm 32 weeks along, which means that technically we have two months. But if these boys stick to the average and make their debut at 36 weeks, that means we only have four short weeks to go!

It could be as as long as six weeks if the twins decide they'd like to be baked a while longer, but my doctor has informed me that he probably won't allow me to go past that, not only because of the stress on my body, but due to the gestational diabetes...so if we do make it to 38 weeks, I'd be looking at an induction. However, he also thinks it's fairly likely that I'll naturally go into labor before then, so right now we're just focusing on making it through the next month and hitting that 36 week goal.

There are a few reasons why we're trying to hang in there for the next month. First, after 35 weeks, your baby is basically done developing. Sure, they'll be smaller than a 40 week newborn, but for all intents and purposes everything is finished growing and the baby won't need to go to the NICU. The second reason is a bit more personal: the hospital in my little town will not take births before 36 weeks. If I go into labor before April 5 (Easter Monday), then I will need to call the maternity ward at my hospital to give them a heads up before I arrive, and they will then transfer me in an ambulance to an alternative hospital in another town about 45 minutes away. The maternity ward in this second hospital has a great reputation, so I'm not worried about that, but from a practical standpoint (such as ease of driving for Mr Bibliosaur) it would be preferable to stay in our town.

Some days - like today - it seems like it will be so easy to make it to 36 weeks. My Braxton Hicks contractions have significantly reduced since I stopped working (I didn't realize just how much stress simply going to work was putting on my body, but I was getting BH contractions all.the.time), I'm lying comfortably on the couch, most of my bodyparts aren't hurting, and I'm well rested. Other days, it seems like there is simply no way in the world that we can make it another month - when the pain in my hips is so bad that I can't sleep at night, when my stomach muscles are screaming for this strain to end, when my multitude of stretchmarks are growing as wide as my little finger because the babies have run out of room to grow upward or forward and are now stretching my belly and my skin sideways (and oh my god but those stretchmarks ITCH!).

So for now, I'm taking things the only way I can: one day at a time. Some days are easier, some days are harder, but every day is another step toward our goal. Wish me luck, and send some "stay in there for another 4 weeks" vibes!

The week of ultrasounds

*whew* This week has been a non-stop circus of doctor's appointments, including two different ultrasounds.

On Monday I had a 30-week ultrasound where the babies were carefully measured to make sure that they're still growing at the same rate (they are!) and that the gestational diabetes isn't affecting them badly (it doesn't seem to be). Today was the second scan, which was virtually the same but conducted by the very high risk specialist - again, I just want to reassure everyone that I don't actually need this particular doctor, I just see him occasionally to touch bases should I ever require his help. It's one of those preventative things.

A few measurement tidbits for your reading pleasure:

• The babies currently weigh 3.75 and 3.8 pounds, respectively, a little larger than the average 30 week, 3lb baby. That means that I'm already toting around the equivalent of a 7.5lb baby. Can you imagine what it will be like in another 6-8 weeks? Eeek!
• Both babies are measuring slightly ahead of schedule - one was 4 days ahead, the other was approximately one week ahead - so they're a bit larger than the average twins at this stage (most start slowing down after 28 weeks or so, just because space gets a little cramped). I was initially worried that this was from the GD, but my doctor reassured me that although they're on the large side, they're still within the normal growth range.
• They're both head down, which is excellent news (we may be able to avoid a c-section!) but that means that not only do I now have two heads jammed painfully into my pelvis and exacerbating the donkey crotch, but they're two massive heads. My 30 week old boys both have head measurements the size of the average 34 week old baby. My poor ladyparts are shriveling in fear at the idea of how large their heads will be when it comes time to push these kids out...here's hoping I don't give birth to bobbleheads.

Anyone else have a baby with a gigantic head? Did it even out in growth with the rest of the body before they were born?

Making a plan

Today marks the beginning of week 30, which means that I'm starting to seriously think about what's going to happen when these babies are born, especially since it could be in as little as 5 or 6 weeks! I started drafting a birth plan ages ago, but hadn't really firmed it up or finalized it before now.

My goals for my plan were:
1) that it could fit on one side of one piece of paper, as I don't want anyone to have to search for ages to try to find my preferences for something;  
2) that each item could fit on one single line, using bullet points because I believe that simpler is better; and
3) that it should cover both a vaginal birth and a c-section, since I don't know at this stage which I'll be having - even if both babies behave themselves and we can start with a vaginal birth, there is still a chance that I may end up needing a c-section to get the second twin out.

I know that many readers will have their own opinions and preferences on some matters (such as pain relief or having the baby in the room with you all the time vs in the nursery part time), so please remember: this is my birth plan. I am not insisting that this is the only way to do things, since I believe that what may be right for one woman won't be for another. Now that's been said, here's the plan as it stands today:

Birth Plan for Bibliosaur (TWIN PREGNANCY)
Due Date    3 May 2008
Patient of    Dr H (XXXX Hospital) and Dr S (XXXX Medical Centre)

These preferences presume a normal pregnancy/birth; we may change our thinking as labor ensues.

Labor
Mr Bibliosaur (husband) present at all times.
No visitors or observers such as students or unnecessary staff at any stage.
Freedom to walk and change positions as needed/desired.
To stay hydrated by drinking water.

Pain Relief
If I request medication, I would like an epidural.

Episiotomy
I would rather tear than have an episiotomy.
Please use local anaesthetic for any repairs.

Delivery
I would like the freedom to push and deliver in any position I like.
Mr Bibliosaur would like to help catch the babies if possible.

Immediately Following Delivery
Mr Bibliosaur would like to cut the cords if possible.

Newborn Care
Please evaluate and bathe the babies at my bedside.
Mr Bibliosaur would like to accompany the babies should they need to go to the NICU, if possible.

Postpartum Care & Breastfeeding
If available, I would prefer a private room.
I would like the babies to room-in with me during the day and be in the nursery overnight (brought for breastfeeding during the night as necessary).
I will breastfeed/pump milk and would like to meet with a lactation consultant.

Cesarean Section Delivery
Mr Bibliosaur to be present during the surgery.
I would prefer an epidural rather than general anesthetic.
We would like the babies to be held by Mr Bibliosaur immediately and to be with me in recovery, if possible.

You may notice that there are a lot of "if possible" statements in there. That's because some of these things simply may not be possible with twins - for example, we may not have the option of holding them right away if they need to go to the NICU (and Mr Bibliosaur may not be able to accompany them there), and it may not be an option for Mr Bibliosaur to catch the babies - so we need to understand the potential limitations of our situation.

You also may notice that, compared to a lot of sample birth plans (like this one), it's short. This was both intentional - as I said, I wanted it to be able to fit on one side of a single sheet of paper - and because I don't have anything that I feel "it must be this way!" about. I simply don't care about many of the little things that are on some birth plans - for example, playing music or wearing my own clothes. Perhaps I should, but I don't.

Other things that are on some checklists - like stating that you don't want an enema upon admission - are outdated, since most hospitals don't normally do that these days anyway, so there's no point in bulking out your birth plan with things that won't happen or things that your hospital already does/allows as a matter of routine procedure. And there are yet more things - like wanting the lights dimmed - that I am confident I will verbalize (possibly rather loudly, haha!) at the time, and thus don't need written down.

I think that it's absolutely fine to have strong desires for your ideal birth plan, but that flexibility is important as well. My entire goal is to have a good outcome with healthy babies and a healthy mama, and I'm open to doing whatever I need to in order to accomplish that. If I go into labor and decide that I can do it drug-free, then that's great. If I go into labor and decide that I want drugs OMG NOW GIVE THEM TO ME NOWWWW, then that's great too. If we can do this vaginally, fantastic. If I need a c-section to get these babies out, then that's fantastic too.

If you don't know where to start with drafting a birth plan, there are a lot of websites out there that make it easy, like this birth plan creator from SheKnows - you just tick the boxes to indicate what you'd like, and the end result is your customized plan. This one from the Bump is fairly comprehensive, and I also like this simpler version from Bubhub, which is a bit less wordy than the SheKnows version.

Where's the magic?

I know this may not be the right season to complain (Merry Christmas, eh?), but I need to get something off my chest. For the last few weeks, I've been really struggling with a growing frustration with my body.

When I read in pregnancy books about what's happening with my body, it's like a faraway dream. I'm supposed to be happy and comfortable, chock full of fabulous second tri energy. Instead, I'm perpetually living in an exhausted haze. Rolling onto my other side in bed is becoming more and more difficult. My belly has grown to a size where my back is starting to ache, and putting on my socks is becoming a daily challenge. And speaking of my feet, they swell to the point by the end of each day where the tops of them actually make a little lip over the edge of my shoes, which is about as weird and gross looking as it sounds (my job involves a certain amount of standing/walking, and although I've minimized that as much as I can, I simply can't put them up all day - compression stockings have helped somewhat, but I'd love any other suggestions you can come up with to try to reduce the swelling).

The problem is that most ordinary pregnancy books - aside from my beloved multiples book - treat twins or supertwins as just a "little extra pregnant" and never discuss the difference in physical stress that you experience. Even though I'm only 21 weeks along, I'm experiencing what someone pregnant with a singleton doesn't feel until the third trimester; the average baby weighs 12.7oz at 21 weeks - double that for two babies, and that alone pushes you to where a singleton sits at 26 weeks, not to mention adding in the extra weight from extra amniotic fluid and blood, a larger placenta, plus the strain of a plus-sized uterus, etc. etc.

Well, at least I'm not expecting octuplets, right?

I feel so incredibly guilty even writing any of this. I've been given such a wonderful blessing - not one, but two wonderful little boys that I already love with all of my heart and soul - and I am so grateful and thrilled that we're having them. But some days, especially in the evening when I'm exhausted and my feet are like two fat sausages, and then I read about what a magical time this is supposed to be in a pregnancy...well, I feel so tired and frustrated that I want to cry. It doesn't help that it's mid-summer in Australia, so I'm battling heat as well. I honestly cannot imagine how much harder this will get over the next few months...I know that I can handle it, I know that I will handle it, that I'll find ways of coping, but it's a frightening thought sometimes to realize that I still have another four months to go.

Is there anyone else out there who wants to be experiencing the blissful magic of being pregnant and instead just feels crummy all the time? Please tell me I'm not a bad person for feeling like this, that I'm not alone!

Pirates vs Ninjas - the verdict is in!

Our big ultrasound was yesterday...and we're having BOYS!

I was really excited to get the confirmation, but also not surprised that they turned out to be pirates and not ninjas. I've been so certain this entire pregnancy that we're having boys that it was more of a pleasant confirmation than a surprise...I think I'd have been absolutely shocked if they'd turned out to be girls! Don't get me wrong - I'd have been happy either way, but I was so sure they were boys that that's how I've been secretly thinking of them for most of the last 20 weeks.

The rest of the scan went really well: they're healthy and active, and measuring in at 20 weeks, 3 days and 20 weeks, 4 days - it was the first time they've measured ahead of schedule, although of course this is all just based on averages, so next time they could easily be back to one or two days behind, haha! We have to go back in another couple of weeks so they can take a good look at one of the twins' hearts - the tech assured me that he doesn't think there's anything wrong (the blood flow was good, as was the heartbeat), but he couldn't get a good look or take any measurements due to awkward positioning and the other twin constantly getting in the way, so we just need to get "Twin B Heart" officially ticked on the ultrasound checklist.

Yaaaaaay for Baby Pirates!

First bump pic!

16 weeks, 2 days down.

23 weeks, 4 days to go.

I’m not even halfway there.

I feel I may look like this by the end of it:

That's what twins will do to you, folks.

Double thoughts

It's been four days since we found out that we were having twins. It feels like four years. Maybe even four decades.

It's amazing how news like this can change everything. When we first started trying to conceive, it changed the way I looked at the world. Even though I didn't have a child of my own, I became more aware of the parents around me - how they interacted with their kids, how they dealt with everyday problems, how lives change when a child is born.

And now my outlook has changed again. Twins are an unbelievable blessing, and we're astounded and amazed at our luck...but also terrified. Because everything has changed.

Things have changed financially - we had planned and prepared a comfortable post-baby budget for one child, and while twins won't put us out on the street, it will be a lot tighter. Buying baby furniture for one is expensive, but outfitting a nursery for two is very expensive...especially in Australia where everything costs more than it does in the States, and decent quality secondhand items are hard to find in my small town. A single stroller becomes a pricier double or tandem model. Diaper costs, whether you're planning to cloth diaper or use disposables, suddenly skyrocket. Daycare expenses become double what you expected them to be (I investigatee what a nanny would cost, but in my area it would be twice as much as daycare for both babies!).

Things have changed health-wise. After my miscarriage, I was looking forward to a nice, low risk pregnancy. But with twins, the risks rise both before and during birth. And with identical twins (which is what it looks like we're having), they're higher yet again. Speaking of birth, there are also much higher odds that I'll need a Cesarean section. It's not my preference, but I've come to accept that this may be necessary - it may not, but I need to be prepared that it will. Since the ultimate goal is two healthy babies, I won't mind giving up what I thought I wanted to make sure that our twins are delivered as safely as possible - but it's still an unexpected mental adjustment that has to be made.

Things have changed in terms of practicality. I never thought I'd have to research how to breastfeed two babies at the same time! What about comforting two crying babies? Bathing and dressing them? And what about their nursery? We're currently buying a house, and the sweet, cozy little room that we originally planned to use for a nursery is suddenly far too small - there's absolutely no way we can fit two cribs and the rest of the furniture that we'll need in there. So our former guest bedroom will become the nursery, and our guest bed will be downgraded from a queen to a single bed or a daybed in order to fit in the new, smaller space. Again, it's not anything that's insurmountable - but it's another change that has to be considered and made.

I'm not trying to be negative right now - I'm just trying to explain some of the thought processes you go through when you're suddenly surprised with this kind of news. I think a lot of people have the same response that I did before we discovered we were having twins (i.e., before I had to deal with this myself!), which is to just react, "Oh twins! Cool!" You don't realize all of the issues that the prospective parents instantly have to wrestle with - the fears, the practical issues, the change in finances.

When you're expecting twins, you're suddenly, inescapably aware that everything doubles. Double trouble. Double tantrums in the grocery store. Double dirty diapers. Double fears and worries.

But then you realize...everything doubles. Double blessings. Double hugs. Double joy. Double love. We are so very lucky.

Adventures with ultrasounds

Today was the day...ultrasound day!

I was pretty nervous going in - after my miscarriage last time, I was terrified that the radiologist wouldn't be able to find a heartbeat. I gripped Mr Bibliosaur's hand tightly as she began the scan - when nothing was immediately visible, my heart began to race. The radiologist must have seen the look of fear on my face, because she calmed me down by explaining that I have a retroverted uterus, which can make it harder to see past the bladder and into the baby's home. After a minute or two, she suddenly pointed at the screen.

"There. Do you see it?"
I shook my head. It all looked like a gray blur to me.
"Just there. Do you see where it's flickering? That's a heartbeat."

I was so relieved! A heartbeat! Our baby was there, and it's heart was beating! But I still couldn't see it very well, so she asked me if I wanted to do an internal scan (lovingly known as the dildo-cam), and after a moment's hesitation, I said yes. I knew that we would still only see a blob, but I wanted a better look at our little one, just to settle my nerves. Poor Mr Bibliosaur didn't know exactly where to look! I don't think he ever thought he'd be in the room while someone stuck a wand up his wife's hoohaa.

As she positioned the wand to get a better view, it scanned past what I thought might be the baby. But she kept going, so I figured I was wrong - and in a moment, she'd located our little one, again pointing out the heartbeat. The picture was still grainy, and our baby still looked like a blob, but it WAS better - and such a sweet relief to see it's little heart flickering! After taking a few measurements, she cheerfully said, "So there's your baby"...

Like the lolcat magnets? Mr Bibliosar did that. I love what a nerd he is.

...then repositioned the wand back toward the first area I'd seen, and then added, "...and there's your other baby!"


Yes. OTHER baby.

Twins.

We are having TWINS.

I started shaking, laughing and crying at the same time. We're having TWINS!

There wasn’t a thick, wall-like division between them, so the radiologist and my doctor both said our little ones are quite possibly identical! I know the bowed shape in the image makes it hard to see, but hopefully you can tell what I mean - they’re at completely opposite ends, so it was hard to get them both in the same picture, which is why it looks kind of warped.

She did a few more measurements and took their heartrates - a normal heartbeat at 7 weeks is 90-110 beats per minute, but I was told that they like to see them between 120-160, so our little jelly beans are right on target: Baby A was 125, while Baby B was 130.

They're also right on target for my estimated due date - my ovulation date says I'm 7 weeks today, and Baby A was measuring at 6 weeks, 6 days, while Baby B was 6 weeks, 5 days (the difference of a day doesn't mean much - B was much harder to get a clear shot of, so the measurements may be slightly off and they're likely measuring the same).

Needless to say, we’re thrilled...and surprised...and completely and utterly terrified! I'm still shaking right now, and Mr Bibliosaur and I keep looking at each other and laughing. Twins! We're having TWINS!