She´s here!

I´ve been MIA because little Miss Lillysaur decieded to make an early appearnce. She was born at 38w2d on 12.11.10 at 7.40pm. She was in a hurry and labor was fast and furious. I had no form of pain relief and no tearing! Just when I was at the point where I thought I couldn´t take anymore without some help, it was time to push.

I went into labor while finishing up some shopping for her. In fact, I was standing at the check-out when I felt a drip drip and wondered to myself if I had a) wet myself or b) my water had broken when the sales lady asked me when the baby was supposed to come...talk about freakish timing! My mother was with me, so we headed to the restroom where I tried to decide which of the above it was. There was a bit of blood, so I figured it must be my water, but there wasn´t too much of it. I figured that since it was 12.30, I better get something to eat because they probably wouldn´t let me have anything at the hopsital. I felt incredibly removed/distracted from the world around me, but I ate my lunch and felt a few period-like cramps, but nothing else. I had to drive home because my mother doesn´t drive a standard and she doesn´t drive in foreign countries. That was fine until we were about 2 minutes from home and the first real contraction hit. It took all I had to concentrate on driving, and I was thankful that I was almost home and that it was a back road with no traffic. As soon as I got home the contractions started coming pretty regularly, probably about every 5-6 minutes, though I didn´t time them. I kept moving, finished getting some things together, made a few phone calls, and waited for Mr. Lillysaur to make it home. He got home at about 2.30pm, we waited for the dog trainer to come get the dog, and headed out at 3.15. My mother and husband rubbed my lower back for me whenever there was a contraction, and that made it very bearable.

We arrived at the hospital delivery ward about 4.00 and were shown to a labor room, hooked up to the fetal monitor and told to wait. The contraction seemed much less strong now that I was in the hospital and on my side. After about 45 minutes the midwife came back to check on me. She was ordered to do a PH test to see if it really was amniotic fluid or not, but with the blood in the cervix it wasn´t possible to determine. I was told I was about two finger tips dialated and taht I could go home if I wanted...It was a little after five now and I couldn´t imagine going home. I was sure this baby was on her way, and I told the midwife that. She left for a bit, and I tried out the birthing ball, but found it to be too uncomfortable. The contractions started kicking back up, and Mr. Lillysaur was busy massaging my lower back while I stood and rocked my hips, leaned on the windowsill for support or walked around. The midwife came back, noticed that I seemed tense and offered me some Busopan to relieve the cramping, but I turned it down. I did take the warm cherry pit pillow they gave me for my back. She also suggested that I take a warm shower to help relieve the back pain since I was having back labor. I wanted to try acupuncture, but the midwife who did that was busy with someone else and I would have to wait. The two tubs were also in use so the shower was my only option. I took to the shower and stayed there for about 30 min. letting the warm water fall on my back, and all the while swaying back and forth. The warm water did wonders for relieving the pain and I didn´t notice the contractions as much until my husband called me to get out of the shower because the midwife wanted to talk to me about the acupuncture and check me again.

As soon as I got out of the shower the contractions really started coming and it was all I could do to put my robe on and lie down on the bed. The midwife put me on the monitor, checked my cervix and announced that I was at 4cm. The contraction were coming on strong and coming every three minutes. I had no control of anything at that point, and the contractions just seem to take over. After about 5-10min they started coming every 1.5 minutes and I told Mr. Lillysaur to ring for the midwife so I could get some pain relief. I couldn´t imagine this pain going on for several more hours. She came and said I could have some pain relief but that the Dr. would have to come put the IV line in. She went and got the doctor who came a couple of minutes later. It was work for her to get the IV line in because the contractions were coming one on top of each other at this point. I still hadn´t gotten any pain relief yet, and I felt so wrenched by the contractions that I was pretty sure none of the standard IV stuff would help, so I asked for an epidural. The doctor said it would be fine and that she would send the anesthesiologist to talk to me and then put it in. I immediately announced that I felt tremendous pressure in my bowels and that I needed to go to the bathroom. I also said I really felt the urge to push which got them all looking funny. The doctor asked the midwife to check me, and she responded that she had just checked me about five minutes before and that I had only been at 4cm. I felt the overwhelming urge to go to the bathroom, and decided it would be a good idea just to try and go...I pushed mightely and my water game gushing out. That really got the Dr.´s and midwife´s attention. The midwife checked me and announced with great surprise that I was fully dialated, and that when I pushed she could see the top of the babies head...Things really picked up from there and I was ordered to start panting until they could get me into the delivery room. I was in the delivery room five minutes later, and after three pushes my sweet girl Frances was born. She came into the world screaming, recieved 10´s on her apgars, and weighed a whopping 6.6lbs and was 19 inches long.

We are home and are enjoying every minute of getting to know our little girl. I feel so incredibly blessed that she is finally here and that she is healthy. She came almost exactly three years to the date of my first miscarriage.

35/35

Yesterday marked the 35th week of my pregnancy and 35 days to go! I cannot believe that I have come this far. It´s all very surreal for me. I´m doing pretty well for 35 weeks, I think. I feel pretty immobile sometimes, but that´s to be expected. Some days are better than others. Today my tailbone really hurts, but maybe it´s all that sitting I´ve been doing at the sewing table to try and get things finished for the little one.

My to-do list is still pretty long, but I´ve knocked off a good chunk of it. Mr. Lillysaur needs to help me clean out the last couple of boxes out of our little girl´s room, hang a couple of pictures on the wall and fix the roman shade in there. I still need to find a lamp for some extra light, get a baby monitor, replacement screw for the crib (yes, we´ve lost one) and move a comfortable chair in there.

I´ve made an appt. to get the car serviced and the locking clip for the carseat installed. I´ve started packing the diaper bag and I´ve packed my hospital bag. Must not forget to charge the camera so that it´s ready to go when the time comes. Oh, and we must get the insurance forms filled out, that is if the agent ever sends them...So many things.

My next Dr.´s appt. is on Monday. I´m anxious to see if anything has changed. She said she´d check my cervix, do an ultrasound, check for Strep B and hepatitis and do another non stress test.

I´ve started drinking red rasberry leaf tea as the midwife in our birthing class suggested, and it´s not the yummiest thing, but with a bit of honey it´s ok. I also bought some special oil to use for perineum massages. Another thing recommended by the midwife. If it helps and keeps me from having to have an episiotomy, then I´m all for it. But I must say that massaging the perineum is a bit weird and even uncomfortable if I follow all the directions that came with the oil.

I´m sure there´s more to report, but pregnancy dementia has kicked in, and I just can´t think what it was I wanted to say! If I remember, I´ll certainly come back and post. Maybe during one of my nightly bouts with insomnia.

Peerific

I did´t mean for it to be such a long time between posts, really. I was very excited about making the 31week post and including info from my Dr.´s visit that day. That was until I spent the rest of that day running around trying to get a urologist appt., going to said urologist, getting referal to hospital urology clinic, packing bag, taking care of dog, going to clinic, being admitted to said clinic, have a "procedure" and then being put in the ob/gyn ward at the hospital for women that they don´t want to see in L&D for a few more weeks...

To make a long story short, the kidney problem that put me in the hospital the first time, it got worse. A lot worse. My Ob/gyn took one look at the ultrasound pic and said "you NEED to see a urologist about this asap." I called and told the urologist´s nurse what the doctor said, she put the urologist on the phone and he asked a few questions, asked if I could be there in 15 minutes, that he could see me today. I went. He looked. He wrinkled his brow and said "not great for 31 weeks. Too long to go." Wrote out the referal for the hospital urology clinic to put in a stent and sent me on my way with the instructions to go TODAY.

I went. First I called Mr. Lillysaur who had to take off work and come home to get me and drive me there. I was sure I was going to come home after they did whatever they did. It is an out-patient procedure usually. Well, usually does not include pregnant women or people who have them put in as an emergency at 5.30 in the afternoon. The head doctor diagnosed me with hydrophrenosis of pregnancy in the 3rd degree. I signed lots of papers, met with the anesthesiologist for the just in case the stent doesn´t work, can we put in a tube from outside...

I got changed into my special gown, put the special shoes on waited for the Dr. and his assistent Dr. and yet another assistent and then the nurse. The nurse scrubbed me down, she was very nice and very reassuring, calmed my nerves, told me she´d had some of the same procedure done and that it´s really, really not bad. A bit uncomfortable, but not bad, and short and sweet. The anesthesiologist gave me a shot of something to sedate me since they couldn´t do any local anesthesia given that I´m pregnant. The procedure was relatively short, I think. Maybe about 15 minutes? It wasn´t terrible, but it was a bit uncomfortable when the shoved the stent up there. But then it was over, and then came the catheter....

I was rushed off to the ob/gyn ward for them to put me on the monitor and make sure that things were ok with baby and that this little procedure hadn´t caused any contractions...I was beginning to feel the pain, so they hooked me up to an IV with perfalgan (Tylenol) which was only midly useful. But hey, when you are pregnant there isn´t a whole lot that they can give you.
I began having contractions and was given nifidipine to stop them. It worked. I was very, very thankful, but I spent the next five days with a catheter stuffed up my whoo haa and being hooked up to a monitor 2-3 times a day. The stent improved things slightly, but only slightly so I was given antibiotics to take and told to come back for close monitoring...

I am at the Dr.´s every week now, and when I am not at the Dr.´s then I am at home resting. I was told that bed rest wasn´t necessary, but resting and putting my feet up at home were. So that is what is "new" with me at 32w5d.

Adventures in pregnancy

I missed my 29 week update last week...I was off on a little pregnancy adventure. My adventure involved a trip to the ER and then three nights in the hospital. I woke up last Tuesday feeling rather uncomfortable. I told myself that it was probably just some gas that was trapped, or an uncomfortable bm. I started my day and limped along. Yes, really I limped along. I went to the bathroom a couple of times, and that didn´t seem to be the problem or do the trick. I ran a couple of errands and went to the grocery store. I discovered that lifting my shopping bag into the car was nearly impossible, and lifting my leg to get in the car...terribly painful. I drove home, fixed myself some lunch and lay down for a nap. I tried to move the baby or encourage her to move because I thought that might help. It didn´t. I got up from my nap and felt worse. The tears began to flow. I pondered my choices: a)do nothing b) call a neighbor to take me to the doctor/hospital c) drive myself to the hospital d) call the ER doctor to come make a house call.

I decided the simplest and least dramatic option would be to get in the car and drive the five minutes to the hospital nearby. I was glad that the trip there did not involve getting on any main roads, and that I was able to get a parking spot near the door. I went straight to the ER, told them I was 29 weeks pregnant and having abdominal pain. They wasted no time in sending me up to L&D to get checked out. I was put on monitor to check for contractions (there were none) and see the baby´s heartbeat (it was fine). Then i was given a very thorough scan and pelvic exam. Both turned up nothing. The very helpful midwife suggested that I was just hyper sensitive to things because of my "history" and said it was probably just RLP....The young resident decided maybe they should send me back to the ER to see a surgeon/internal medicine doc.

Back in the ER I was asked to give a urine sample and have blood drawn. I did and then I was finally able to see another doctor about an hour later...She was young and very nice and very cautious. She examined me and looked at the lab results and decided that it looked like an appendicitis even though I wasn´t running a fever or throwing up. My white blood count was elevated and the pain was indicative of the appendix. She got out a portable ultrasound machine and began to look for my appendix, which wasn´t to be found thanks to baby. She did find my kidneys...lo and behold my right kidney was much enlarged and urin seemed to be pooling there. Hmmmm. But my urine sample showed no signs of infection, so where was the infection coming from? The appendix? Something else? It was decided that I must stay the night in the surgical ward for observation. I was probably going to have surgery in the morning she said. No food and no drink for me...OMG, it´s now 9 at night and the last I had was lunch!! Well, I could have an IV, so an IV it was.

Fast forward about 9 hours. The doctors are doing their rounds. Nothing like waking up to a team of five doctors standing around your bed. "Where does it hurt" "Please show us the spot" "How long have you had this" "Are you sure you haven´t thrown up?" "hmmmm" "more labs please." An hour later the head doctor came to personally examine me. More hmmm. Then, no, it´s not the appendix. Maybe it´s something gynocological. Go back to the L&D ward.

Back in the L&D ward more ultrasound and more hmmm. Then the decision to send me to the radiologist for an ultrasound of my kidneys. More waiting and waiting. Then the radiologist. One look and she said "Oh, that´s a second degree kidney something or other." " Yes, they hurt. A lot sometimes." "Sleep on your left side" "get on your elbows and knees for 10 minutes twice a day" "This will go away after you give birth."

This will go away after I give birth....worst case scenario I have nearly three more months of this?! Uggg. Back to L&D. Two more nights under observation and then I was allowed to go home after promising to come back if I thought it was getting worse. I got a nice letter for my ob/gyn explaining the course of treatment or lack there of. Oh, and I´m now to take an Oral Glucose Tolerance Test to make sure that I´m not diabetic since that would be the double whammy for my poor kidney. I have an appt. for the OGTT next Wed. at 31weeks and I am not looking forward to it. Two hours of waiting before I can eat?! This momma likes her morning tea and breakfast, but what must be must be.

And that´s the end of the adventure. For now anyway. It was suggested that at some point in the next ten weeks I might need to visit a urologist...

Oh, and the stats: Baby was measured between 1200 and 1400 grams! She´s growing strong, and kicking, karate chopping like nobody´s business. I do believe I am giving birth to the next karate kid.

27 weeks!

Today I am 27 weeks. I´m amazed how the time has flown--I mean where did the last week go? I´m not even really working anymore. I work 2-4 hours a week and that´s it. It´s almost not work, and I am enjoying it. I can´t say that I have been terribly productive, because I haven´t. I have lots of projects that are half-finished. I mean I need to clean out the nursery completely and finish up those burp clothes, going home dress. I can say that I have washed and put away all the clothes that Miss Lillysaur has already gotten. I´m waiting for my mother to send the things she got at my shower. I´m also waiting for her to send the diapers I ordered. Fortunately mom was kind enough to do all the washing for me so I don´t have to do it whenever the package(s) come(s). It might be a bit before Grandmother Lillysaur gets around to sending the things, though. Grandfather Lillysaur is in the hospital recovering from open-heart surgery, so she has other things on her mind. And I don´t blame her one bit. I just want Grandfather Lillysaur to get well soon so he can come see his newest grandchild.

So ups: Miss Lillysaur is kicking, punching, boxing up a storm. She´s keeping me awake a lot at night now. Not sure if that´s really an up, but it´s nice to know that she is doing well.

Downs: My tailbone. Oh my aching tailbone. I broke my tailbone as a teenager and it wasn´t terribly much fun. Now my dear tailbone feels about like it did back then...only this time I am not too vain to sit on one of those donut cushions. I plan on getting the ob/gyn to give me a prescription for one at my appt. on Monday. I´m also hoping she´ll have some other suggestions about what to do.

Weight gain: I have no idea, nor do I even want to know at this point.

Belly button: Oh, it´s going to be an outie, I can tell. Some days it is, and some days it´s mostly in, though I´m not sure in is the right word.

Maternity clothes: Oh heavens yes. I don´t think I could wear anything else at this point. A couple of the things I have are even getting too small...I really was hoping not to buy anymore things to wear, but I may not have a choice in that I see.

How big is baby: I don´t really know, but I`m guessing she must be over a kilo now, but I´m sure the ob/gyn will give me the latest measurements on Monday along with how the blood is flowing to the baby....

Cravings: Peanut Butter Pie. I made some for Mr. Lillysaur´s b-day and had some for breakfast this morning. I still love, love, love eating potatos. Yes, potatos. Nomm.

Where did the time go?

I looked at my ticker on a message board this morning and realized that I am now in the double digits--only 98 days to go! At least I think I mean (!) but maybe not--I mean where did the time go? I planned to make all sorts of interesting posts about my pregnancy, fill you gals in on the good the bad and the ugly, I had a post planned (in my head) for when I reached 24 weeks, but I was in some sort of haze and forgot.

I feel sort of like I´ve cheated myself and my child by not being more diligent and writing down the important things. Some day my little girl might ask me "when did you feel/have _______ ?" or "How much ___________?" No clue. All I can say is that I´ve finally put on some weight. Rather suddenly actually. Like three pounds in 10 days....holly cow how did that happen? Like I said, no idea.

The ups: Baby girl has really been getting stronger and a lot more active. I enjoy feeling her kick and punch and twist and turn, and maybe even have the hiccups, though I´m not entirely sure that´s what it was. Sometimes it´s even down right uncomfortable when she kicks. She likes to protest certain sleeping positions of mine...ahhh my right side, how I would love to sleep on you, but someone isn´t to keen on that.

She´s growing. She´s growing and that is marvelous, wonderful news to her mommy. The doctor estimated her at about 900 grams last week. I´m very thankful for that because it means things are ok. She´s in about the 45-50 percentile for everything. She´s not big and she´s not little. That´s quite ok with her mommy.

The downs: The perinatlogist discovered that the bloodflow to the uterus on my right side isn´t good. I have something called notching. It means there is resistence in the artery and not as much blood can flow to the uterus and then to the placenta. The left side is good, but the right side not so much. I´m at risk for developing pre-eclampsia and HELP syndrome, and the baby is at risk for IUGR (growth retardation) but right now my blood pressure is good and baby is growing. I´ll take that. It means that I must continue me heparin shots and be closely monitored. I have another appt. with the perinatologist the beginning of september for her to check again. In the mean time, I´ve finally hit a wall with the heparin shots. In the beginning it wasn´t bad and I didn´t mind too much, but now I´ve started to dread it. I can´t really find a good place to do them anymore. My belly is growing and stretching and taking all the skin with it...so much for finding a fold of skin to pinch! My thigh....I tried it once and it was unbearable. So for the moment I search for a place that might work on my hips or near my belly and go for it...

The TMI´s: My breasts are really getting ready for the whole BF thing. My nipples are changing color, shape, size...and more. Yes, I think I leak a bit now and then. I even pee on myself if I´m not careful. A word from the wiser, DO YOUR KEGELS. Really. It´s not fun to pass gas and accidentaly pee on yourself at the same time, really.

Almost half-baked

I´m 19w5d today, so almost half-baked. Mr. Lillysaur went with me to my appt this morning to see baby Lillysaur. It was a long, long wait, but we got to see the baby. Most importantly, today was the first time Mr. Lillysaur saw the baby in action. We didn´t get to hear the hb, but maybe next time. Our little one was hard to see as she was all cozied up in the corner. Her head is on my bladder (no wonder I pee all.the.time) and her feet were over on my left side. I had figured as much because whenever I feel any kicks, it´s always in about the same place, on my left side! Guess mommys really do know best.

The weather has been very, very hot here. Not having air conditioning kind of sucks when it´s over 90 outside! My belly feels particularly tight and uncomfortable when the temperature is up and I´m on my feet, so I´ve been avoiding it as much as possible. The doctor said to drink 3-4 liters of water on hot days...maybe I can just camp-out on the john.

Ups: feeling the bebe move more, getting more kicks.
Downs: It´s getting hard to roll over in bed, and my belly isn´t even that big yet...oh boy.

Weight gain: I´ve gained 5.5 lbs to date which isn´t much she said. I have no idea how much people normally gain by 20 weeks, but I´ve been eating like a horse....

Belly button: My belly button is still an innie, but it looks like it´s going to be an outie in another month or so.

Maternity clothes: yes, but I still wear my regular swimsuits and some regular shorts of mine. I don´t really look that pregnant, and so far no one has come up and asked or said anything to me. I guess they all think I´m just getting a bit fat.

Best moment: I don´t know that I´ve had a best moment this week, but feeling her kick after I´ve had something particularly cold and sweet to drink is kind of fun!

It´s a Girl!!!

I had a feeling that the little one was a girl, but Mr. Lillysaur was certain that it was going to be a boy. Today´s scan at 17 weeks confirmed my suspicions. I was thankful not to have the dildo cam come into play today, and the belly wand was not bad. The gel was a little cold, and the baby wasn´t into cooperating at first, but after going for a nice walk, she was in a better position to be viewed and measured. So far things are looking good. I like hearing that. So.....

ups: I am beginning to feel movement, which is kind of an odd sensation sometimes. We are having a girl! I´m not tired anymore. I can eat, eat, eat again.

downs: round ligament pain is not a lot of fun...on Monday I went to the doctor after I got stabbing pains in what I was sure was my cervix. The doctor took a look, measured my cervix, looked at the baby and said everything was fine. She told me to get used to the weird pains and told me to start taking 600 mg of Magnesium a day...

weight gain: according to the scal at the hospital I have put on a little less than a kilo since my visit four weeks ago. Hopefully this will appease my regular gyno.

maternity clothes: Mostly, though I have some regular clothes that I can still wear. My belly hasn´t definitely gotten bigger this past week.

favorite moment: watching my little girl "kiss" my uterus today. I even got a picture of it.

15w3d

I can´t believe I´ve made it this far, and I can´t believe that I can finally brush my teeth again without gagging, open the fridge without wanting to run to the sink, actually have fond thoughts about food, and go a whole day without napping! Wow.

How far along: 15w3d

Total weight gain: haa, I haven´t weighed myself this week, but at my 14 week appt. I had only gained 200 grams....I got a scolding. I´m sure that now I´ve begun to feel like eating again, I´ve finally put some weight on, but I´m not worried about it. I eat when I´m hungry and that´s enough for me. I figure my body will do what it´s supposed to do if I just let it.

How big is baby?: I´ve read something about a naval orange. The doctor didn´t acutally tell me how many centimeters the baby was measuring, just that it was looking good.

Materinity Clothes?: Well, I wore my regular pants up until last week, and I suppose I could still wear them, but the under belly jeans are more comfortable. I still wear some of my regular tops, although lots of them aren´t long enough to go with the under belly jeans. Today I wore a pair of my shorts that were "too big" with a t-shirt an they fit fine. I don´t really look pregnant, maybe a little pudgy.

Sleep: I sleep through the night unless I need to go to the bathroom, but that usually happens around 5 am now. So I sleep from 10-5. My back is beginning to hurt, and my knees bother me, but I haven´t been able to find a body pillow to use yet.

Movement: I can´t feel any movement, but the little one is always moving all over the place at my scans. We´ve seen head stands and other acrobatic feats.

Food cravings: Mexican!

Belly button: my belly button is an innie.

Best moment this week?: I don´t know that I`ve had just one "best" moment, but I´ve finally begun to look at baby things, and that´s pretty nice.

The good, the bad, and the gross

It´s been quite a while since I´ve posted. Truth be told, I´ve been too exhausted to do much of anything, let alone write a coherent post. I hope you´ll forgive me.

The good: Baby has looked good on both scans I´ve had since last posting. I even got an extra scan in last week after someone rear-ended me...the rear-ending part not so fun, but getting to see the baby at 12w on the nose was great, and he or she even seemed to be sucking a thumb when I first saw them. The hb was where it should be, the baby measured six centimeters, and I could even see where the eyes and nose and mouth were! It made this pregnancy seem a bit more real to me. I´ll have the NT scan on Thursday. I´m hoping the bean is still looking good.

The bad: Well m/s is not all that fun, and actually I would call it more evening sickness because that´s when I feel the worst. I don´t have much of an appetite right now, though my ob/gyn assures me that this too will pass and I will start gaining weight like a champion...so far I´ve only gained 300 grams. I woke-up yesterday morning with a back-ache that hasn´t really gone away, and I´ve had some RLP (round ligament pain), at least I think that´s what it is, but it freaks me out a bit as I´ve read that those symptoms can be related to miscarriage....not a nice feeling. But I´ve told myself no more Dr. Google. I will wait until Thursday and ask the Peri about it. Hurry up Thursday and get here! I haven´t had any spotting which is a good thing. I´m hoping it´s all normal and that this is a sign to stay away from the internet for pregnancy info.

The gross: chew everything you eat very, very well.

It´s a blob!

I had my third ultra sound today at the hospital and got to see the most beautiful blob with a heart beat! The doctor said the blob was measuring at 6w4d, which gives us a due date of November 28th. Wow. I can´t believe I got to see a heart beat--I´ve never been able to see one before today, and it is truly an amazing thing to see. Suddenly this baby seems very, very real to me.

After seeing my blob, it was time for me to read through some 14 pages of blaah, blaaah, blaaah before signing the dotted line to participate in the study the hospital is doing. After signing the papers, the form got faxed off to an office which determined if I was to be assigned to the group with only prenatal vitamins, or the group with prenatals and Dalteparin (like lovenox). Lucky me got the group with all the goodies....They sent me home with a garbage bag full of prefilled syringes and prenatals to begin taking daily. Yes, a garbage bag full. They didn´t have any other bags available, and I couldn´t carry all the boxes of stuff without a bag, so a garbage bag it was. The doctor even joked with me, asking me if my car was big enough to haul it all away. I also have an appt. schedule for up to my 24th week of pregnancy when I will have graduated from the study. Wow.

And now I´m off to let this all soak in.

Passing the time

Once you have a miscarriage, all innocense is lost. It´s not possible to approach pregnancy as care-free as the first time. It just isn´t. And try pregnancy after multiple losses....well I´m a basket case, or on the verge of being one.

I´ve spent some part of everyday these past few days running to the bathroom to check that my underwear is indeed still free of blood. It doesn´t help that the progesterone supplements make things a bit wet down there....I´m trying to keep myself busy and distract myself with others things. I´ve been to town, run errands only to suddenly feel like there might be something happening down there and rush home to check, only to breath a sigh of relief that yet another hour has passed with out anything happening.

I feel like I am waiting for the inevitable to happen. A really great approach to pregnancy, I know. I am very thankful to be pregnant, and I am thankful for each day that passes. But that joy like I experienced the first time the stick turned pink seems to elude me. Sweet thoughts of this baby spending its first Christmas at home with us creep in, only to be quickly dashed by that pessimistic/realist in me that says, your chances of success must be less than 50 percent....

I want to scream stop to those nasty thoughts, I really do. I´d much rather start googling the best infant seat to have, find out which hospital offers water births, or research breathing techniques for labor. Heck, I´d love to read a good pregnancy book without the snarky inner voice that says "so normally today your babie´s amniotic sac is the size of a grape, but is yours?"

Today marks the 4w6d point in my pregnancy. I´m filled with apprehension about reaching 5 weeks because three times I have gone to the bathroom at 5w1d and 5w2d only to discover blood. It´s like a critical point is approaching. The make or break of this pregnancy. The very rational part of me says that this time could be different, that my past does not dictate my future, but that evil voice of doubt creeps in....

Oh the waiting

I managed to pass the time until my doctor´s appt. ok. My doctor did an ultrasound to see if she could see anything, which she couldn´t. But I don´t think that´s too surprising at 4weeks. She said my lining looked good, but didn´t measure it. I guess there wasn´t a need for that. She made me take another hpt so she could see the result. It came back positive. She gave me a presciption for progesterone to take before bed, but she didn´t do any bloodwork. She tried to call the University Clinic, but it was too late and nobody was there, so she gave me the number and told me to call and make an appointment.

I haven´t called yet. I visited my dermatologist yesterday to get some different acne creams that can be used in the first trimester. The dermatologist urged me to go ahead and make the call, and she urged me to find someone to talk to. As she put it, 40 weeks is a long, long time to be pregnant under normal circumstances, and after multiple losses it must seem like an eternity.

I haven´t had many symptoms really. Just sore breasts and some serious bloating, gas, etc. The bloat and burping seems to come and go. It´s hard not to over analyze what´s going on. Every little twinge, cramp and pain seems to let doubt and fear creep in. I wish I could find a way to just not think about it. I got out a book about pregnancy and started to read about what was going on for my stage, but then I began to wonder if it was really happening. It´s so hard to believe that I am really pregnant and that there is really a baby in there. Is there really a baby in there? I know that only time will tell, and that there is nothing for me to do except try and relax and sit tight. It´s out of my hands, and the only thing left for me to do is wait, and wait and wait.

The luck of the Irish

Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. This is my new mantra. I called my ob/gyn this morning and was able to get in for an appt. this afternoon. She said she would be working on getting in touch with the University Clinic in town so that I can be seen by one of their doctors and hopefully get in on a study. I´ll be asking her about starting progesterone supps. because I´ve heard they can´t hurt and might help. The same is true of low-dose Aspirin which I assume I´ll be put on again because of my clotting risk. I don´t know about starting heparin shots, but I know it standard practice for someone with a clotting disorder and a risk of recurrent miscarriage. All things to find out. I have no idea if she will do a beta draw, but I suspect not since I`ve never had one before. Maybe that´s a good thing, and maybe not. I´ll just have to wait and see. I´m counting down the hours until my appt. at 4.30. Will it come soon enough?

I like to have things spelled out

In all things fertility, I like to have things spelled out for me. And the clearer and simpler, the better. Hence, why I purchased the CBEFM, which I great big puffy heart right now. No, really. My CBEFM is the boss. Whatever it says, goes. When it says my fertility is high I know it´s time to get down to business, and when it says Peak, well then it´s time to really, really make an effort. In the past I relied on temping and my VIP membership at Fertility Friend to help, but I let my VIP membership lapse and just used the basic features for charting, doing the guess work on my own. Totally do-able if your cycle is fairly regular and you´ve gotten the hang of things, but not as much fun as letting someone else do it! But I do love that they´ve already figured out my due date for me--always the optimist!

I logged into my FF account to add my fertility signs and my monitor readings and discovered that Fertility Friend had given me another 5 day trial! What perfect timing as I actually had some data to use. I love the calendar, and I love that it spells everything out so neatly. So my test date is March 18th. Now I have no reason to test early because FF has so very kindly spelled it out for me.

Oh, and should I not get KU this cycle, my predicted O date is April 1st....could this be an April Fool´s joke? I guess we´ll find out, or not.

I love the testing count-down shown on my chart. It would probably be more fun to look at my chart if it actually had some temperatures in it, but I gave that up in December. Maybe I should start again? Nah, my monitor is way more fun.

And last but not least, the cycle wheel. I´m such a nerd. You can never have to many graphics to represent your cycle....

And she´s here, yet again.

After having a complete and total meltdown on Wednesday, Aunt Flo came for her scheduled monthly visit late Thursday evening. Now that she´s actually here, I feel a lot less emotional and am probably a more pleasant person to be around. I´m bummed that she found her way to my house yet again, but such is life. I had been denying the fact that there might be a problem here, but after 12 cycles being busts, I think it´s time to look at reality. I got pregnant very quickly and easily each time before, needing no more than 3 cycles to do so, so something is off.

I went to my dermatologist yesterday to get some new acne cream since my face has been going berserk the last few months around O, and she started asking questions. First, she asked if I was still trying, then she asked how long I had been trying this time, then she asked how old I was, and then she dropped the bomb. She told me that while I´m not old, I´m not young either, and that while it´s ok to try for a year on my own, I shouldn't try any longer. She pointed out that with my history it´s time to head in to the gyno and have a sit-down. It´s time to start looking into what might be causing this delay in getting pregnant. Maybe it´s time to do some hormone therapy, and maybe it´s time to look at doing a lap. I don´t know what she will tell me, but at the urging of my dermatologist, I´m going to make another appt. to talk to my gynecologist about what´s going on. It´s time to start moving forward. So as I move on to cycle 26 or was it 27, it´s time to do something.

DUH!

CD 26 and 7 Euros later.....

2WW, already?!

This morning when I turned on my monitor on CD16 it didn´t ask me for a test stick, but told me my fertility level was high. I was just about to reach for another stick when I realized that I wont be needing any more of them this cycle!! I made it through my first CBEFM cycle using only one set of ten sticks!! This is very exciting news because those test sticks aren´t exactly cheap. I paid 13 pounds for a box of 20 and it´s nice to know that I have enough for another cycle. I was afraid I´d have to run out to the pharmacy here and pay 30€ for a box of 20 to use next cycle. Hopefully there wont be a next cycle, but I´m a realist and know that the chance of getting KU in any given cycle is only about 25%. I digress. Anyway, I had read online that many women use 20 test sticks their first cycle using the CBEFM, so I am very happy to be getting off a bit cheaper this time.

As for the high reading, I suppose since I just had two peak readings, it stands to reason that there is a chance I´m still fertile. I guess that means yet another night of BDing....I think Mr. Lillysaur and I are getting pretty tired after six straight days, but hey, if it brings me my BFP, then I´m ready to roll.

My monitor and me

My CBFM arrived in time for me to use it for this cycle. In order to use the CBFM you have to have entered the start of your period and current cycle day by CD5 so that on CD6 it can ask you for your first test stick. Pretty cool actually. All I have to do in the morning is turn my monitor on and see if it asks me for a new test stick. On CD6 I turned it on, it showed me the picture of the test stick, and I knew it was time to take action! I love POASing, so this part was lots of fun. I dipped the stick in my pee cup (cause I think it´s way to hard to aim and hit the stick without getting myself or the rest of the stick wet), put the cap over the wet end and inserted it in my monitor. Then I waited about five minutes while my monitor flashed that it was busy reading the stick. After the five minutes were up, the monitor said it was time to remove the stick. I removed the stick and immeidately saw my result: low fertility = one bar. Not surprising, really. CD6 would be really early, so I wasn´t worried. I repeated the procedure on CD 7, CD8 and CD9 with the same result: one bar=low fertility.

This morning, however, I got two bars, or high fertility, which means now is a good time to start BDing. I can hardly wait, and I´m sure Mr. Lillysaur will be even happier.

Here are some photos which aren´t in the right order because I can´t get blogspot to let me move them around in the post for some reason.

This is what the test stick looks like if you hold it up to light. The result window is transparent so that the light from the monitor can "read" the results.The darker line is actually the line for estrogen, and the lighter one which you can´t see too well is the line that detects LH.

This is what a high fertility reading looks like! (I´m very excited, can you tell?!)

This is one of the test sticks. The left side is actually the pee strip, but it´s covered with the cap.

The monitor while it´s reading the results, the test stick picture actually flashes to tell you it´s still reading.

And here the monitor is between the flashing.

All in all, I´m excited about the monitor. I´ll let you know more about it when I´ve had more time to use it. But sofar, it seems like it´s been a good investment.

Impatiently waiting

I´ve had it with charting. Somehow waking up every morning and making love to the thermometer got old. So old that I haven´t charted a cycle in a few months...I still log onto FF and enter any symptoms or signs I might be having on that particular day. I faithfully enter our BD dates and CM, but no more temperatures. Besides, I think the dog might find the therm really yummy and want to try it out sometime...I´ve heard of it´s happening.

I´m not quite sure why I haven´t managed to get KU again since my last m/c now over a year ago. I really thought it would have happened again by now. I didn´t have any trouble getting KU the previous times....but something is different. And something made my last cycle way shorter than usual. I *think* I o´d on something like CD 9 or 10--way early for me. So this last cycle was the shortest cycle I´ve ever had at 24 days.

I´ve decided to take some action....So I´ve ordered the Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor! I´m very excited about this for some reason. Maybe it´s because I´m a pee-aholic and hated the guesswork involved with OPKs. I just hope it gets here in time for me to use this cycle. It needs to be here by CD6 for that to work. I´m crossing my fingers that it does, and I keep checking on its progress. It´s been turned over to international shipping so hopefully that means it´s on the continent now. I´m impatient to POAS and see those bars change from low to high to peak fertility! I´ll be keeping you posted on my new CBEFM adventure, so stay tuned!