It's time

In case anyone missed me...

I have been on a bit of a hiatus from blogging over the last month. After I threw the thermometer in the drawer I have had many ups and downs. The ups are that I don't think about having another baby every day, more like just a few times a week...which is pretty miraculous for me. The downs being that seeing babies and people having new babies is often very difficult emotionally. I simply try to avoid reading about anything baby related, or focusing too much on anything that has to do with pregnancy and newborns.

I honestly know that I've done the right thing for myself and my family by giving up on ttc. I have had a sense of release. Almost like I've given myself permission to accept that I may only have one child naturally. This is definitely not an easy thing to accept, but it has helped me to not be anxious and pity myself that I haven't had more kids by now.

I say all this to let you know that I think my time on Pregosaur has come to a close. I know I've only been on here for a short time, but I think this is best for me. I figure if I am done ttc & I have a hard time even coming to the site and reading other peoples posts, that I really shouldn't overstay my welcome.

I pray that one day I will get my BFP, but I'm not anxiously counting on it. I really love that I have to count or look at a calendar to figure out what day of my cycle I am on. Maybe some day I'll be one of those people that wakes up suddenly and says "wow, I think my period is late" and I'll take a test and be dumbfounded when I see two lines. I pray that I can be caught off guard by pregnancy. I've always wanted to be one of those women....

So, to all of you in ttc and pregnancy land... thank you for being so supportive of my ttc endeavors.

May God shower you with the blessing of perfect babies.

The girl who knew too much

The first few days after my new niece was born were fairly rough on me. My husband has definitely noticed this in me and instead of our usual plans to BD, we had a heart to heart.

He was pretty worried about me and how I get so emotional about ttc sometimes. Usually it's just before I "find out my fate" each month but I've also been greatly affected by this new baby too.

I told my DH that I just wished there was a way to stop getting so emotional about ttc and thinking about it all the time. I know that it's a matter of me just choosing to stop feeling sorry for myself or worrying about the future or being jealous or whatever it is that is causing my pain. We talked about how everyone has a cross to bear in their lives, and no ones cross is exactly the same as someone elses. We both feel that God is using this situation to help me learn and grow in my relationship with Him.

DH has been feeling like things were becoming too mechanical in our approach to ttc. Honestly, I had been thinking about this for a little while now, and the new baby situation has simply been the catalyst for us to sit down and talk things through. He thinks that ttc is coming between us in our relationship, and that something has to change. That I need to start focusing on the familiy we DO have instead of dreaming about the family that MIGHT be.

He really cut to the heart of the matter...

We decided after our talk that it's time to stop ttc. It's been a year since I started temping my bbt again, and it's been a good thing since it prompted me to go see the doctor and get some answers. Then after that I was on clomid for those 3 months, so I needed to track my bbt and ovulation date etc. But now, we're done with that chapter of our lives and it's time to get back to basics.

I need to feel spontaneous again when it comes to intimacy. No more focusing on timing and the infamous 'fertile window.' I refuse to let that get in the way of the closeness I share with my husband.

It's time to move on and focus on my family 'as is'.

I threw my thermometer in a drawer and was done with it. It was such a relief...a breath of fresh air. Freedom!

Le Sigh...

I have such a range of emotions happening right now and I can't seem to sort them all out..

I don't know if you remember, but I posted earlier about my plans to be there to help my sister-in-law when she delivers her 3rd baby. Well, that didn't happen...for a few good reasons. And I'm thinking, it was better this way.

Here's the story...

Dear sis-in-law (SIL) was due sometime between March 2nd and March 9th. (You know, the whole cycle vs. ultrasound due date thing?) March 2nd (ultrasound DD) came and went and I was on stand by to race to the hospital at any moment. We waited and waited (nothing new when it comes to having babies, of course) and it was getting closer to the weekend. The monkey wrench in the plans were that my family and friends had planned a 30th birthday bash for me on Sunday, so obviously wouldn't be able to make it on that day. We had different back up plans for if it happened on the weekend, so it was totally fine, but I was hoping it wouldn't happen while I was gone.

Of course, SIL started having regular contractions on Sunday morning. I conceded to the fact that I wasn't going to be there for the birth. So I went on with the day, excited about the b-day plans that my wonderful DH and best friends had put together. It was a fabulous day full of great famiily, great friends, and great food and gifts.

We got periodic updates throughout the day on SIL's situation. She never actually checked into the hospital, because she wanted to labor without being hooked up to machines laying on a bed. She wandered the hospital all day long...poor thing. Finally, that night when her contractions started getting further apart they told her she should go home. (Keep in mind that we live 30 minutes from the nearest hospital) So she and my brother-in-law went home for the night, taking the big walk of shame out of the hospital.

To make a long story short, she was laboring throughout the night and then decided at about 6am yesterday morning that they needed to start heading back to the hospital. Her hubby was determined to wait until her water broke, but that still hadn't happened. She was having a lot of back labor and knew she needed to go back. Well, they did make it to the hospital...the hospital parking garage, that is. Baby decided to make her grand entrance in the car inside the hospital parking garage!!! Oh.my.word. Craziness.

Baby girl and mama are perfectly healthy and happy, thank the Lord!! I went and saw them yesterday afternoon and she is as cute as can be...all 8 lbs & 21 1/4 inches of her.

Now that it's all said and done things are starting to hit me. I am so happy for them...but I'm on the verge of tears at any moment. I knew back when I found out that she was pregnant that it would be pretty tough on me to see her with brand new baby in hand, especially if I still didn't have any prospects for a new baby of my own. And of course, that's the situation I find myself in...

Like I said earlier, I really don't know how to sort it all out. For now I keep this dream close to my heart and I continue to pray that it becomes a reality.

WHISPER
by A Fine Frenzy

Running the race
Like a mouse in a cage getting nowhere
but I'm trying
Forging ahead
But I'm stuck in the bed that I made
so I'm lying

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still

Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

The sound tires on my lips
To fade away into forgetting

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

A little reflection & a lot of cramps

I've got the AF blues. Yep, she struck again, and this time has been a doozy! I have cramps like you wouldn't believe & I'm so thankful for extra strength Tylenol. Usually they only last a day, so hopefully I'll be feeling more like myself come tomorrow. The cramps seem much worse this month than normal. I'm not sure if it's because I can usually take a "sick day" and lounge around till they pass, but today I was at church all morning....or if it's one of the effects of being on clomid for the last 3 months that has messed with me.

I'm ready to be done with this medication, that's for sure. My cycles have evened out a bit since the first couple of crazy ones when I started clomid. The meds seem to be hindering me more than helping. My CM is not normal at all, so FF has a hard time registering that I've ovulated. I've never had that problem before I started the meds. I decided awhile ago that clomid was as far as I would go with any medical help in ttc. From now on, I just want to be my normal self, pregnancy or no pregnancy.

I've been going through some different emotions lately when it comes to ttc. I've been reflecting on my life this past week for a couple of reasons. First of all, it's been almost 2 years since my husband returned from Afghanistan. Back then I thought for sure by now we'd have another child...boy was I wrong. We've had 23 months of this roller coaster, and as I'm sure you realize, it doesn't get easier the longer you try. The other aspect of life that I've been reflecting on is that I'm getting ready to turn 30 next month. Thinking back to when my daughter was an infant & toddler, I thought for sure I'd have at least one more child by the time I reached 30. My thoughts about what size our family would be have shifted dramatically since I was 25 years old. It makes me wonder where I'll be at 35, and whether it's worth it to keep up with ttc or if we should focus on life as a family of 3 for the long term. I just don't know...

To top it all off, I'm surrounded by pregnant ladies, babies, and baby stuff regularly...so it's difficult to get this off my mind. It's hard to just not think about it, when that's the stage of life that I'm in. I don't work outside the home, so I don't have anything to distract me from home and family life. Not that I want anything to distract me from my primary job, but thinking of having more children seems to come along with the territory.

I'm hoping & praying for consistent peace in this arena of my life soon. One thing I do know is that it's possible. Lord have mercy on me.

I am a "cup is half full" kind of girl

So...I think I actually ovulated on a normal day this month. FF hasn't registered it yet, but my temperature spiked on day 18, which means I most likely O'd on day 17. That is pretty normal for me, so I'm thankful that my body is adjusting to being on clomid. After Oing on day 22 last month, I didn't know what to expect! I actually had a promising OPK on day 17 as well, so DH and I were sure to BD that night. This is the first time I've actually had an OPK that looked positive...so I was encouraged.

I'm feeling slightly different this month about ttc. I'm feeling a bit more at peace now and I think I'm okay with having a "whatever happens, happens" attitude. I'm so blessed by my little girl and very occupied with her, so it keeps my mind off having another one most of the time. Now I'm focusing on being content with my life as it is. If another little one finally comes along I will be overjoyed, but not having that happen yet doesn't take away from the joy I experience daily. Optimism is a great tool to have in your bag while ttc. I tell ya...

I'm also getting ready to embark on another semi-adventure that may be a little difficult considering what I've been experiencing with ttc. My sister-in-law is getting ready to have her 3rd child, (which I'll admit has been pretty difficult for me in and of itself) and I have offered to assist her in the birthing process. We have similar philosophies on labor and delivery and she feels she needs an advocate to help her. Her first two experiences were pretty standard; laying on her back, hooked up to machines and getting the epidural. She wants this experience to be different, so I agreed to assist her in a more natural birth. The catch is that the hospital wants to hook her up to a fetal monitor as soon as she arrives, which would require her to be laying on her back. Her solution is to wait until she's really in full blown labor and getting ready to have the baby before she checks into the hospital. It's all very unpredictable, so hopefully I can just be a voice of support and a hand to hold through the whole process.

At least I'll have something interesting to blog about come mid-March.

And maybe, just maybe sometime soon I'll have equally interesting news from my own life to report. I can always hope.

The Great BD Opinion Poll

Today is day 10 of my cycle. I took the last of my clomid pills yesterday. We're getting ready for the big show this month and I need a little help from all you ladies out there with experience (and success) ttc.

My husband and I have been trying to figure out, should we BD every day during our window, or every other day? I have heard backing for both sides, and I wanted to know what worked for you. We have generally done the every day thing, because thankfully I'm "in the mood" from day 9 until day 20 or so. We give it every shot we can (pun intended) but obviously thus far we haven't had success (except many years ago when we conceived our little girl, but I really can't remember what we did back then).



So...in the comments section of this post, please give your opinion: every day, or every other day?

No Flo No!!

She came, she saw, she conquered. She is Auntie Flo, the conquered one is me. Bottom line is that this sucks.... oh, and please pass the extra strength Tylenol.

I shake my fist and say "CURSE YOU AUNT FLO SCUM!!!"

I guess I feel a little better now.

I had pretty high hopes for this cycle...I didn't start until 14dpo, but a couple of days before AF showed up my temps began to drop. That's always a pretty good indicator.

Here's my complete chart for last month:

So, here we go again. Time to save up energy for some serious BDing.

Mr. Shortysaur and I discussed whether I should do another round of clomid or not, and I think we've decided to try it one more time. Third times a charm, right? I was going back and forth about whether I should take it again because the first month it messed with my temps, and the second one it threw my O date into left field. DH said maybe my body will have adjusted to it after the first two times, and hopefully the third time things will be a little more regular when it comes to O. Sounds like good logic to me! My sweetie is always so supportive, logical and even keeled... I just love that man of mine!

The last time I went to the doctor, he said that we should try clomid for 4-5 months, then if nothing happens, we should come back and explore having a laproscopy to look for things like endometriosis. Up until this point all the tests say we are totally normal and healthy, and I have no other symptoms to suggest anything is wrong other than infertility. So DH and I decided that we're not going have any more intervention or tests after this last round of clomid, unless in the future I start having serious pain or something else to indicate that there is something wrong.

I decided early on that if all the tests say we're healthy, then it's just a matter waiting on God for the right timing. As I've said in previous posts, it's all about faith for me and I believe that if we are meant to have another child then it will happen at the perfect time. I know I'm being refined and tested through this whole process and I feel priviledged that this experience is making me a better person and a more loving mother for my sweet little girl and for my children that are yet to be...

Don't get me wrong, it is not easy to stay focused on those aspects. I could never do it without my wonderful husband. For example, DH came to the rescue on the morning that AF showed up when I was feeling pretty down. Before he left for work he said to me that he had been thinking all morning about how thankful he is for all that we have, and that we always need to remember to be thankful no matter what because we are so blessed already. He always says exactly what I need to hear at the perfect time. After he left I prayed for peace in my heart and a wonderful sense of calm came over me. I actually ended up having a really good day, amazingly enough.

In all honesty I'm often tempted to give up on ttc all together, but I always change my mind. I can never lose hope that the desire of our hearts will be fulfilled someday and that we should keep at it until we are triumphant!

And so the journey continues...

Sometimes I just sigh…

At least 3 times a week my sweet little 5 year old girl says. “Mommy, I REALLY want a brother or a sister. Everyone at gymnastics class has a brother or a sister!”

*SIGH*

What do you say to that? Usually it's something like, “I know sweetie, I really want that too, just keep praying.” I’ve tried many times to put this 'having kids thing' in terms that she can understand. This has proven to be very difficult, especially when I myself don’t fully understand why we haven’t had another child by now.

One thing I do know is that through it all I have become more patient and have grown stronger in my faith, which is always a good thing. Perseverance isn’t something you are born with; it’s something you can only learn through experience.

I know in time, our next perfect child will come. The child itself will be perfect for us, as will the timing. That’s what happened to us the first time around with our DD. I wasn’t very patient back then when it came to having a child. I wanted to get pregnant so badly, and if I had had my way back then, we would’ve had a baby months earlier. And that little one wouldn’t have been the DD that I love and adore and who came at the absolute best time. My consolation in all of this is that I am growing and becoming a more mature adult, a more faithful Christian and that MY timing isn’t always the best timing.

A song comes to mind…







“You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need!”





Looking in hindsight, I am very glad that DH and I have had this many years with just our DD. It’s been wonderful to focus fully on raising her through the early years of her life. I’m also a pretty laid back mommy who really loves her sleep & peaceful morning routine, so I’m not sure how I’d do with a big ol’ brood of little ones running around.

I’m NO Michelle Duggar, that's for sure.

When we finally do have another child, our DD will be at least 6 years old and will definitely be a big help to her mommy! She’s very much a little mother herself who constantly wants to help around the house.

Ahhh…I can just see it now. “Sweetie, can you change the baby’s diaper?” To which she will reply, “Sure, mommy! I’d LOVE to!” Maybe that’s wishful thinking, but then again, maybe not. She has been known to say "Mommy, maybe you'll have twin babies, and then I can feed one, and you can feed one!" Sounds like a brilliant plan.

I’m also very excited for my DD to participate in my next pregnancy. Involving her in things like having a countdown, showing her fruit pictures of how big the baby is at any given time, having her help me decorate the nursery, etc. etc. I’m really looking forward to it all.

In other news... an update!

I actually do have some good info to report. AF hasn’t made her unwelcome appearance yet! I’m on cycle day 33, approximately 11 DPO and there are still no signs of our least favorite Auntie. My temperature has been steadily high, so at this point I’m encouraged.

I probably need a smack on the hand though because I POAS at 9 DPO.

Bravo Foxtrot November. Duh.


I know... silly, silly, silly me. If I have any defense at all, it’s that I bought a multi pack of OPK’s and pregnancy test strips so I do have quite a few. At least I didn’t waste much money appeasing my curiosity.

My answer will come, sooner or later. It always does.

About that little white pill called Clomid

I’ve been asked about my personal experience with Clomid so far. In one word: confusing.

For those of you who don’t know what Clomid does to help you get pregnant, here’s the scoop. First of all, it’s typically for women with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) or other ovulation related disorders. Women who have PCOS typically have irregular cycles and may not ovulate, so Clomid helps them to actually ovulate.

Here’s a brief explanation of what Clomid does to your body: Clomiphene (Clomid) assists in increasing the production of egg maturation in the ovaries. It does this by tricking the body. It acts by inhibiting the action of estrogen on the gonadotrope cells in the anterior pituitary gland, which then starts to, or increases to, secrete more FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and LH (luteinizing hormone). This leads to a higher rate of ovulation. Clomiphene comes in pills that have to be taken orally on days 3 to 7 or 5 to 9 of your menstrual cycle. (Source: wikiparenting)

Possible side effects of Clomid include:

• hostile cervical mucus


• mood swings


• nausea and vomiting


• breast tenderness


• abdominal pain


• insomnia


• headaches


• blurred vision


• fatigue


• depression


• weight gain


• ovarian cysts

On to my personal situation… in case you’re curious about my side effects I’ll tell you that they weren’t bad at all. The first cycle I took it I had some hot flashes in the middle of the night, and I did notice that my EWCM wasn’t as abundant. One other weird thing was that I felt like I was “in da club” when I would go from a dark room to a light room at night. It was like strobe lights flashing all around. Very strange, indeed.



I also have to say that I have never had a problem ovulating. I’ve charted my bbt off and on for quite a few years now, and I always had a clear and sustained temperature rise every month. Typically I would ovulate anywhere between day 13 and day 17 of my cycle. So when the doctor had me start Clomid I wasn’t quite sure what would happen to my body. Logically you would think that if I already ovulate regularly, then Clomid should make me super ovulate, right?



Not so much…


Here’s my typical FF chart BEFORE Clomid:



See that pretty, pretty chart?


Now that I’ve been on clomid the big O has been entirely uncertain…which translates to complete annoyance and frustration. Here’s my first month’s FF chart on Clomid:



And my second cycle, which is the one I’m on currently:



Can you see what I mean? The first one was not too bad…O on day 16 (although the red line is dashed so it wasn’t entirely conclusive), but my post O temps were quite a bit lower than normal. So I’m thinking, “do I have a progesterone issue or something?” I was just a little confused…

And look at my current cycle! I actually decided to use OPK’s this month, and did that between days 11-18, BFN on the OPK’s, the whole time (see all those ugly little negative signs?) I thought I wasn’t going to O at all. O finally came on what I think was day 22, but FF said it was day 25. That’s why I did the override and my chart shows a blue line instead of red. But seriously, DAY 22-25 FOR O??? That just plain stinks! I NEVER O that late…and I’m also concerned about the length of my luteal phase, as my cycles are almost always 28-29 days long. I just don’t know if that’s enough time between O and the end of my normal cycle length for implantation if we were successful. Can you see the conundrum I’m in? Geez.

So now that I’ve vented again, I can move onto the more positive aspect of all of this. I am very thankful that I did ovulate, and it is now day 29 of my cycle with no signs of AF in sight. That’s always a good thing! I don’t think I’ve made it to day 30 in at least a year or more. I’m just not sure if it’s because we have something “more” happening, or if it’s because I O’d so late. I guess time will tell, it always does… tick, tick, tick.

Until I have something more conclusive I’ll keep saying lots of prayers and thinking positive hopeful thoughts…positive hopeful thoughts….positive hopeful thoughts….

Like this one:

My mega super long introduction

Thump, thump…is this thing on??

Before I even begin I want to make a disclaimer. I do not consider myself to be witty or eloquent. But I do surprise myself once in a great while. Just didn't want you to get your hopes up too high...

I also have a LONG ttc history, so if you want to stick around and read it, feel free to pull up your easy chair.

Okay, now that I’ve cleared those things up…

Let me formally introduce myself. The name is Shortysaur, betcha can’t guess why I chose that name! Yep, I’m a little vertically challenged, but I don’t let that stand in my way. I embrace it!

So why am I the newbie at Pregosaur? Well, I thought I could add a little something to the prego-pot since I didn’t see anyone else on the roster who has dealt with my situation; I thought I may be able to contribute in a positive way. You see, I already have a little girl who is 5 years old and the sunshine in my life, but my little one wants a sibling ... that’s actually an understatement. She prays for a sibling multiple times a day! My DH and I have had trouble conceiving a second child for quite some time now. You would call what I’m experiencing 'secondary infertility' although I really despise that term. It’s hard to make sense of why we haven't been able to conceive again after we've already had one perfect pregnancy and an even more perfect child. Not to say that conceiving our DD was easy, it did take some time, but soon after I started charting my bbt and getting in tune with my body cycles I got that ever elusive BFP. What an amazing experience that was! I can’t wait to see that again someday (Lord willing, soon!).


Mr. Shortysaur and I have been married since 2002 and our daughter was born in the summer of 2004. We have been ttc off and on since our DD was 18 months old. But there’s a catch. My husband is a former soldier, who has been deployed twice in our daughter’s lifetime. Once to Iraq for a year and the second time to Afghanistan for 15 months.



Talk about throwing a monkey wrench in our ttc efforts! (Hence the reason we've been trying "off and on"). When he returned from his first deployment, we began ttc right away with diligently charting my bbt daily and trying to get that timing just right. We tried for a whole year. What an emotional year that was! One of the most difficult things was that we were book ended by deployments, so the pressure was on! We had a ttc deadline people!



But every month it was the same roller coaster ride of emotions…up, down, up, down…I'd get all emotional right before AF was scheduled to show up, and he'd say things like "is this normal? This can't be normal!" It also didn’t make it any easier on me that my best friend was pregnant with her second child at the time. Talk about a strain on a friendship…if you’ve ever been through that, you know what I mean. (Beware of the green-eyed monster!) My best friend and I are now closer than ever, in part because we went through those trying times together.

So after a long year of ttc and dealing with the stress of another pending deployment, we were still without bun-in-the-oven. And we were without prospects for trying again for another 15 months! (Well, except when he came home for 2 weeks on R&R, but that’s a crap shoot at best trying to time it right). My focus shifted dramatically from “baby on the brain” to “husband is in danger daily” ahhhhhh!!!

Thankfully while he was deployed that second time, we decided that once he returned he would get out of the Army. What a RELIEF!! Wow, I can’t even tell you how big of a weight that was lifted off our shoulders knowing that he would never deploy again. Don’t get me wrong, I grew tremendously through it all and my relationship with DH is stronger than ever because of everything we went through, but thank God it’s in the past!

Once DH returned from Afghanistan we started planning a strategy for ttc again. Our DD was almost 4 at the time, so the space between kids was getting greater and greater. I was not anywhere near too old, but I wasn’t getting any younger either! We decided to take the “chill mode” approach to ttc this time, thinking that it may have been the stress that prevented it before. I wasn’t going to chart my bbt or focus on ttc too much. We were in the category of “whatever happens happens”. Well, you know what happened?



Zip, zero, nada… a whole year later after he got home, we still had no BFP. Hesitantly, I decided to start charting my bbt again. You know when that was? 9 MONTHS AGO! UGH! How frustrating! I’m SO frustrated!! Ok, I’m done venting…sorry. Case in point why I decided to start blogging about my situation, I seriously need an outlet. For real.

You’re probably thinking “Well Shorty, it’s about time you go see a doctor and find out what the heck is going on!” I’m about ten steps ahead of you. Been there, done that. DH and I decided back in October that it was time to find out if there was anything “wrong” with us. He was particularly concerned about his “little swimmers” and if they were performing up to par. He kept saying “what if I’m shooting blanks?” and “it’s probably my fault”. I felt so bad that he was always blaming himself, so I knew it was time to get some answers.

We made an appointment with an OB/GYN who also deals with infertility. (Truth be told, I chose this clinic because they have a midwife on staff *wink, wink*) The doctor was very nice and very thorough in explaining to us the battery of tests we would have to go through to diagnose if anything was wrong. Needless to say I was a bit intimidated, but knew at the same time that I needed some peace-of-mind.

The very first test we underwent was the good old 'semen analysis'. DH was thankful that we were able to get that over and done with right away. Guys have it so easy when it comes to this stuff, don't they? I was very pleased that the doctor had our test results within 24 hours, so I didn't have to wait long at all. The results: DH has abundant, very motile spermies. Woohooo!!

About a week after that, I found myself lying on the x-ray table getting an HSG, which stands for hysterosalpingogram (what a mouthful! I might as well have just said it’s a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious). For those of you who have never heard of this lovely test, it’s where they use our favorite instrument, the speculum to go inside your who-ha and then they open up your cervix just a bit (you’ll feel a pinch and some cramping…ya, you betcha!). Then they squirt a sticky glucose solution through your uterus and blow up a little balloon thingy (sorry I don’t know techy-term). All this is happening while they are looking at the x-ray video on a screen to see if the fluid will flow freely through your fallopian tubes. The test is ultimately to see if you have open tubes and that there are no obstructions. First test complete. Results: normal.

I was actually very hopeful that we would conceive after I got the HSG because it’s also been known to increase fertility for the first 3 months after the test. Bonus! But alas, that didn’t happen. Moving on to the next fun test….this one was called the “clomid challenge test.” I’m sure the word “clomid” made your ears (or actually, your eyes) perk up. They had to give me fertility medication for this test!

This was a bit of a reality check for me because the way you take clomid for this test is the same way you take it to try and get pregnant. Up until this point, I had never actually pictured myself taking fertility meds. My reality was quickly shifting. The process for this test was to give me a blood test, then I took clomid from days 5-9 of my cycle and then tested my blood again. The test is specifically to look at hormone levels, namely estrodiol (estrogen) and FSH (follicle stimulating hormone). Second test complete. Results: normal.

The doctor did say that they didn’t give me clomid specifically to help me get pregnant then, it was just for the test, but sometimes that can be a side effect. Bonus #2! So I was hopeful that maybe the medication would do the trick. Nope. I got my hopes up, and then crushed…again. The last test I had to undergo was called a Hysteroscopy. (No, not a hysterectomy, lol.) The process for this one is similar to the HSG, but this time they put a camera through my who-ha to see my womb real time on the big screen. They were looking for any fibroids and things of that nature that would prevent pregnancy. Third test complete. Results: normal, once again.

Yes people, I’m NORMAL, totally normal. Don’t get me wrong, I am so thankful! But it’s also a bit confusing, as I’m sure you can imagine. The doctor told me the next step is to go on clomid for 4-5 months and see if anything happens. Wait and see. Sounds like fun, huh?

Now I sit here on my couch next to my 5 year old who is trying to tickle my neck, and I'm baring my soul to this online community. Here’s my status today: second round of clomid, cycle day 27, 5 DPO (O was totally ambiguous this month...ugh!) waiting to see if AF will rear her oh-so ugly head in a day or two.

I’m looking forward to sharing my continued journey (and hopefully, success!) with you all. Let’s ride this lovely roller-coaster together, shall we?