Introducing Jerseysaur

Hello everyone! I am a new blogger to Pregosaur and I would like to introduce myself. My name is Jerseysaur and I am 23 weeks pregnant today.

Like so many other strong beautiful women out there, the road to get to this point was not easy. Before I get into the details let me set up the story for ya... My husband and I met in college in New York and have been together ever since. He proposed to me before my senior year of college as he had already graduated and I knew this was the person I wanted to spend my life with and start a family with someday. We married two years after that and closed on our first home three days before our wedding. The first year of marriage were trials and tribulations associated with picking out countertops and light fixtures. We renovated the whole house before we moved it, at this point babies were not on the forefront of our mind.

After our first anniversary when things started to settle we decided to stop birth control. EEK. For me it was quite emotional and such a change in thoughts, for so long it was "Please NO" and now it was "Pretty Please Yes".

We got pregnant three months after getting off our birth control. I remember thinking how easy it was and how beyond excited we were. We decided to wait to tell our families in person and were seeing them around the 8 week mark. The evening before we were to leave I started spotting and passing clots, at 3am I woke up with labor pains in my back. I passed our baby shortly after. It has been a year since that date. We never got to tell our family we were even pregnant.

Of course we were heartbroken, it made our marriage stronger and we pushed thru. We waited the few months the doctors told us to and tried again. Months of nothing. As the new year turned, my depression was rearing its ugly head and we decided to start testing. I had an HSG, everything looked good, they said I may have had a blockage but the procedure could have cleaned it out. The husband had his sperm checked and that was all normal. I started Clomid that month and it worked again. We were excited but hesitant. This pregnancy did not last long either. Again heartbroken, I screamed and cried. I saw a side of myself I never saw. I had hit rock bottom. I was angry, so very angry. The doctor told us we could try again if we were up to it the next month with no pills or we could wait.

Well as crazy as I was, there was NO waiting. My husband actually had to have surgery the week I was ovulating and I was so upset. We were forced to hold off but that didn't stop us, we had to have sex at least once. Shortly after we went on vacation to Washington DC with clomid in tow, only to have AF never show up. I took a cheap test down there and saw a faint line. Of course I did not believe it at all. Gave it a few days and took a digital test to see the word 'Yes'. I was in disbelief. For real?!?!

The first 12 weeks were Hell, I went to the doctor and had my blood tested. So far so good. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. How was this possible. At the first trimester screening we saw our baby moving and jumping around so quickly the pictures are all blurry. I cried so hard. This was actually it.

My world has flipped inside, outside and backwards in the last 365 days. I sometimes have the 'this is too good to be true' feeling and up until recently would check the TP for blood after going to the bathroom. Now that I can feel our baby girl move, its at a whole new level.

I thank you for reading my story and look forward to sharing the rest of this journey with all of you. ♥

Passing the time

Once you have a miscarriage, all innocense is lost. It´s not possible to approach pregnancy as care-free as the first time. It just isn´t. And try pregnancy after multiple losses....well I´m a basket case, or on the verge of being one.

I´ve spent some part of everyday these past few days running to the bathroom to check that my underwear is indeed still free of blood. It doesn´t help that the progesterone supplements make things a bit wet down there....I´m trying to keep myself busy and distract myself with others things. I´ve been to town, run errands only to suddenly feel like there might be something happening down there and rush home to check, only to breath a sigh of relief that yet another hour has passed with out anything happening.

I feel like I am waiting for the inevitable to happen. A really great approach to pregnancy, I know. I am very thankful to be pregnant, and I am thankful for each day that passes. But that joy like I experienced the first time the stick turned pink seems to elude me. Sweet thoughts of this baby spending its first Christmas at home with us creep in, only to be quickly dashed by that pessimistic/realist in me that says, your chances of success must be less than 50 percent....

I want to scream stop to those nasty thoughts, I really do. I´d much rather start googling the best infant seat to have, find out which hospital offers water births, or research breathing techniques for labor. Heck, I´d love to read a good pregnancy book without the snarky inner voice that says "so normally today your babie´s amniotic sac is the size of a grape, but is yours?"

Today marks the 4w6d point in my pregnancy. I´m filled with apprehension about reaching 5 weeks because three times I have gone to the bathroom at 5w1d and 5w2d only to discover blood. It´s like a critical point is approaching. The make or break of this pregnancy. The very rational part of me says that this time could be different, that my past does not dictate my future, but that evil voice of doubt creeps in....

Oh the waiting

I managed to pass the time until my doctor´s appt. ok. My doctor did an ultrasound to see if she could see anything, which she couldn´t. But I don´t think that´s too surprising at 4weeks. She said my lining looked good, but didn´t measure it. I guess there wasn´t a need for that. She made me take another hpt so she could see the result. It came back positive. She gave me a presciption for progesterone to take before bed, but she didn´t do any bloodwork. She tried to call the University Clinic, but it was too late and nobody was there, so she gave me the number and told me to call and make an appointment.

I haven´t called yet. I visited my dermatologist yesterday to get some different acne creams that can be used in the first trimester. The dermatologist urged me to go ahead and make the call, and she urged me to find someone to talk to. As she put it, 40 weeks is a long, long time to be pregnant under normal circumstances, and after multiple losses it must seem like an eternity.

I haven´t had many symptoms really. Just sore breasts and some serious bloating, gas, etc. The bloat and burping seems to come and go. It´s hard not to over analyze what´s going on. Every little twinge, cramp and pain seems to let doubt and fear creep in. I wish I could find a way to just not think about it. I got out a book about pregnancy and started to read about what was going on for my stage, but then I began to wonder if it was really happening. It´s so hard to believe that I am really pregnant and that there is really a baby in there. Is there really a baby in there? I know that only time will tell, and that there is nothing for me to do except try and relax and sit tight. It´s out of my hands, and the only thing left for me to do is wait, and wait and wait.