This has been the worst week of my life.
I will preface the details with the knowledge that I am very lucky in comparison to many in terms of other terrible experiences they have been through. I do believe, however, that grief and loss is relative and what is devastating for one may be less significant to another. Also, this won't seem very related to pregnancy at first, but I think everything in my life is kind of related to pregnancy in some way or another.
On Sunday morning, my husband and I came home to find my beloved cat extremely sick. He was having a lot of trouble breathing and was peeing blood. I tried to contact our vet, but of course because it was a Sunday (Valentine's day no less) I had to resort to the on call emergency vet. I was frantic, but trying to stay calm for the Mister (Mister Monster is his pet name). We drove straight to the animal hospital, and after a routine check the more specific tests were performed. Mister has always had a heart murmur, but we only found out a few years ago, and he's only five. I have never thought it would be a problem. Mister's breathing was the most important problem and the vet thought x-rays would be best. We agreed, and I told my husband, "He'll be fine, he's always fine." The vet came back minutes later, and Mister was still obviously in distress, but the news was not as I had thought.
The vet said that my precious little guy was in the middle of heart failure. Everything after that happened too fast. I burst into uncontrollable tears. It was awful... we explored his options and at the advice of the vet we decided to have him put to sleep. I was by his side the entire time petting him and trying to keep him calm as he continuously struggled to breathe, and his little head was in my hands. The sedative didn't work because his circulation was so bad and the vet had to put the second needle in while he was still awake. It was the most excruciating experience. I wanted to remember him peaceful and sleeping, but when he died all the sickness that was caught in his lungs came out through his nose and mouth, and I can't stop thinking about it.
The worst part is that my husband is so distraught over it all that he keeps looking it up on the internet to see what we could have done or if the emerg vet could have been wrong. I know it's part of his healing process, but it tears me apart, and now I have begun to question it myself. I even resorted to calling our vet (the one we love) and asking for her to take a second look at the x-ray to give us her opinion. I know that it won't solve anything, and it's totally irrational, but I couldn't help myself. I miss the little guy all the time and I keep thinking I hear him or will reach over to pet him without thinking.
I feel so awful that we weren't home the night before it happened and couldn't even spend his last night with him when I would give anything to have that night now. It makes me question everything to do with becoming a mother and making decisions for a child that will be as helpless and without a voice as my cat at first.
My house feels dead, completely void of life, and it's been a week and I just can't stop crying.
On top of all of that the house deal went through so we begin renovations (tearing things down anyway) tomorrow. I should be excited or at least interested and I have no energy for it.
Also, my mother in law is usually amazing, but I can't STAND talking to her about anything baby related. We were there for dinner the other night and I thought I was going to explode with anger. She covered "You are huge!", "That baby is going to be gigantic!", and a story about how I need an OB because I'm "obviously" going to need a c-section since the baby is still breech... I tried to be reasonable and count to ten, but honestly this needs to stop. I finally said something along the lines of I don't think I can talk to you about this anymore because it feels like you are trying to scare me and I still have EIGHT weeks to turn the baby... There are many natural methods that I am using and I feel very confident that I will not have to resort to a c-section. And she wonders why I'm not going to her hospital (she is a mother and babes nurse in a hospital with a super high c-section rate) and that I don't want her in the room! I mean please! She is stressing me out big time right now, and I'm worried about my blood pressure with the way I have been feeling lately. I am really trying to go as natural as possible and I don't think it's fair to have to validate my position on these things especially to someone who is supposed to care about me and the baby. I mean using what I consider "scare tactics" is kind of a low blow if she's actually trying to help. It's incredibly frustrating, and I really hope my midwife can ease my mind about these things. I kind of feel like my birth experience is rapidly being taken out of my hands and I need to start feeling more safe and comfortable with it. I want what will be best for the baby, but I can't help thinking that our bodies were designed to do things, and all these interventions are going to be forced on me in a critical moment of weakness.
I have my appointment on Tuesday, and I'm thankful that my husband will get to come this time, as he hasn't even met my midwife. I am hoping to go over my concerns about interventions and try to work something out with her so that I can remain at home for as long as possible before heading to the hospital when the time comes. I still can't believe it's this close now. One girl I know mildly well had her baby at 33 weeks and I just can't fathom the thought at this point! I am only now getting used to feeling the baby move fairly often.
I am still having intense trouble with my pelvis and it's impossible for me to turn over in bed or even get out of bed in the night without help.... this makes life a bit difficult for my husband....
Sorry for the garbled post, but thank you to anyone who reads and can understand where I am coming from. I feel a bit alone about all of it. It feels good to get it down in black and white to truly understand the overwhelming emotion that I haven't really been able to put into words until now. So, thank you. I hope everyone has a good week, and next week maybe I will be able to stop crying long enough to write about my appointment and maybe some positive things. I hate being such a negative writer.
Showing posts with label pets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pets. Show all posts
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Monday, November 16, 2009
Can Puppy-sitting Cure Baby Fever?
Apparently, it can. I spent the weekend with my husband's parents new puppy, and for the record, it is the cutest thing on earth. However, it is seriously crazy.
The experience began so nicely. DH and I had a great breakfast and then headed over to his parents house. We chatted while they were still getting ready to go, and the puppy was being an angel (of course). Then..... they left.... The poor little guy was really not feeling good, but despite that he had wayyyy too much energy and is obsessed with biting to the point of drawing blood. I really thought this was going to be easy and super fun. I mean, who doesn't love being around puppies?! DH and I played with him and actually got a kick out of his puppy antics. Then my husband wanted to go watch the hockey game and stay over night in the city with his friends, and at the time I really knew I needed to be supportive because he really did deserve a night out. However, I did not anticipate the night this puppy would put me through!
After DH left we were ok for a couple hours. Then the puppy started not feeling good and even though I was watching him like a hawk he still managed to have extremely, extremely messy accidents all over the house. I am not kidding it was one of the grossest and exhausting nights I have been through in a long time. One good thing that came out of it is that apparently I can deal with a lot of sick poop, so hopefully that part of a baby will be no prob. The frustration of not being able to talk to the little guy to figure out what was going on, and taking him out COUNTLESS times for him NOT to do anything until the second he came inside was beyond me.
Keep in mind that the fatigue aspect of this pregnancy hasn't even come close to letting up yet, and I tend to fall asleep (whether I like it or not) at about 8:30 or 9 every night. This particular night I managed to squeak in a half an hour while the little monster was asleep and then had to monitor/ try to keep him from drawing blood until about 1am. Not cool. I was a wreck by that point. I was supposed to be able to just put him in his house and he'd sleep... ummmm no... that did not happen he barked and cried and banged around his house for almost half an hour before I buckled and took him into bed with me. Now this was the cutest part of the night. He was such a little snuggler! That part was nice. Waking up every two hours from 1am until morning was not. I had to call my husband and beg him to come home at about four o'clock in the morning. Although, I felt bad it was worth it to save my sanity.
Anyway, I had strong, serious doubts about my ability to deal with a screaming baby for any longer than I dealt with the poor little puppy. This was intensely scarily eye-opening for me. My husband tried to put it in perspective to say at least I wouldn't be running outside every time I saw the baby sniff the floor because at least a baby wears a diaper, but seriously, I'm not sure I'm cut out for this role as a mother. It's terrifying to think I might do a bad job at it, it's not like you get a second chance! Granted at least babies don't bite as much as a puppy either... so maybe there is some hope, and if not at least I have another four months to forget about this experience.
I also had my first experience with crazy hormones this week. Wow. It's like PMS times a thousand. It was over something so silly too! It is my birthday coming up in about a week, and this birthday will definitely be unlike many that came before it. First of all, it's the first time I've been able to be home for my birthday in about three years, and second, it's not like I will be having an celebratory adult beverages for obvious reasons. So rather than plan a regular party I planned a Partylite Party so that my friends and family could start their Christmas shopping and I would still get to see them etc. Well, so far two people are coming of more than thirty. Hmmmm, so I was already upset that being pregnant changes your friendships more than I anticipated anyway, but I can't even count on them for my birthday? Not even my sister will come, and that unfortunately, was the straw that broke the camel's back. I actually got really mad at her and said all the things I hadn't even known I wanted to say to all my non-existent "friends". I should feel bad, but I'm still so upset that I can't even help myself. So currently I will not be celebrating my birthday except with my amazing husband.
It's a strange place to be in when you are the first one of your friends to change this dramatically I suppose. I really thought it would be different. Thankfully one of my friends is pregnant too, but she lives much further away, so it's different for her. I face the changes of my friends almost every day at least she can excuse them based on distance. Strangers have been more interested in me than my closest friends have. It's a devastating realization that I have to come to terms with sooner than later. Thankfully my husband is so supportive that it makes me miss them less, but it's still tough. Anyway, I was shocked at my response to something that I would normally be fairly calm about. Thanks hormones, but now that I have experienced you I'd like you to go back where you came from.
In other news, I am eighteen weeks today! I have an appointment with my midwife this week and I'm going to ask about the vaccine to put my mind at rest about that. I get to have my hair done that day too so hopefully that will brighten my spirits! I'm seriously 25 and finding greys popping up it's not very cool. Also, we have our BIG ultrasound on December 2, so hopefully the baby is feeling "showy" that day and we will potentially find out what the gender is. The hospitals around here are so stupid. One won't even TRY to find out the sex and the other will only do it if it's obvious and won't even tell us at the time- they wait and write it in the report so that I have to wait for a call from my midwife to find out, which could be days later! Now that I made the decision to find out now I really want to know!
Anyway, sorry this was such a convoluted post, but I'll write a more organized one soon!
The experience began so nicely. DH and I had a great breakfast and then headed over to his parents house. We chatted while they were still getting ready to go, and the puppy was being an angel (of course). Then..... they left.... The poor little guy was really not feeling good, but despite that he had wayyyy too much energy and is obsessed with biting to the point of drawing blood. I really thought this was going to be easy and super fun. I mean, who doesn't love being around puppies?! DH and I played with him and actually got a kick out of his puppy antics. Then my husband wanted to go watch the hockey game and stay over night in the city with his friends, and at the time I really knew I needed to be supportive because he really did deserve a night out. However, I did not anticipate the night this puppy would put me through!
After DH left we were ok for a couple hours. Then the puppy started not feeling good and even though I was watching him like a hawk he still managed to have extremely, extremely messy accidents all over the house. I am not kidding it was one of the grossest and exhausting nights I have been through in a long time. One good thing that came out of it is that apparently I can deal with a lot of sick poop, so hopefully that part of a baby will be no prob. The frustration of not being able to talk to the little guy to figure out what was going on, and taking him out COUNTLESS times for him NOT to do anything until the second he came inside was beyond me.
Keep in mind that the fatigue aspect of this pregnancy hasn't even come close to letting up yet, and I tend to fall asleep (whether I like it or not) at about 8:30 or 9 every night. This particular night I managed to squeak in a half an hour while the little monster was asleep and then had to monitor/ try to keep him from drawing blood until about 1am. Not cool. I was a wreck by that point. I was supposed to be able to just put him in his house and he'd sleep... ummmm no... that did not happen he barked and cried and banged around his house for almost half an hour before I buckled and took him into bed with me. Now this was the cutest part of the night. He was such a little snuggler! That part was nice. Waking up every two hours from 1am until morning was not. I had to call my husband and beg him to come home at about four o'clock in the morning. Although, I felt bad it was worth it to save my sanity.
Anyway, I had strong, serious doubts about my ability to deal with a screaming baby for any longer than I dealt with the poor little puppy. This was intensely scarily eye-opening for me. My husband tried to put it in perspective to say at least I wouldn't be running outside every time I saw the baby sniff the floor because at least a baby wears a diaper, but seriously, I'm not sure I'm cut out for this role as a mother. It's terrifying to think I might do a bad job at it, it's not like you get a second chance! Granted at least babies don't bite as much as a puppy either... so maybe there is some hope, and if not at least I have another four months to forget about this experience.
I also had my first experience with crazy hormones this week. Wow. It's like PMS times a thousand. It was over something so silly too! It is my birthday coming up in about a week, and this birthday will definitely be unlike many that came before it. First of all, it's the first time I've been able to be home for my birthday in about three years, and second, it's not like I will be having an celebratory adult beverages for obvious reasons. So rather than plan a regular party I planned a Partylite Party so that my friends and family could start their Christmas shopping and I would still get to see them etc. Well, so far two people are coming of more than thirty. Hmmmm, so I was already upset that being pregnant changes your friendships more than I anticipated anyway, but I can't even count on them for my birthday? Not even my sister will come, and that unfortunately, was the straw that broke the camel's back. I actually got really mad at her and said all the things I hadn't even known I wanted to say to all my non-existent "friends". I should feel bad, but I'm still so upset that I can't even help myself. So currently I will not be celebrating my birthday except with my amazing husband.
It's a strange place to be in when you are the first one of your friends to change this dramatically I suppose. I really thought it would be different. Thankfully one of my friends is pregnant too, but she lives much further away, so it's different for her. I face the changes of my friends almost every day at least she can excuse them based on distance. Strangers have been more interested in me than my closest friends have. It's a devastating realization that I have to come to terms with sooner than later. Thankfully my husband is so supportive that it makes me miss them less, but it's still tough. Anyway, I was shocked at my response to something that I would normally be fairly calm about. Thanks hormones, but now that I have experienced you I'd like you to go back where you came from.
In other news, I am eighteen weeks today! I have an appointment with my midwife this week and I'm going to ask about the vaccine to put my mind at rest about that. I get to have my hair done that day too so hopefully that will brighten my spirits! I'm seriously 25 and finding greys popping up it's not very cool. Also, we have our BIG ultrasound on December 2, so hopefully the baby is feeling "showy" that day and we will potentially find out what the gender is. The hospitals around here are so stupid. One won't even TRY to find out the sex and the other will only do it if it's obvious and won't even tell us at the time- they wait and write it in the report so that I have to wait for a call from my midwife to find out, which could be days later! Now that I made the decision to find out now I really want to know!
Anyway, sorry this was such a convoluted post, but I'll write a more organized one soon!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Can I Be Like Lilysaur?
Yes, yes I can!
A few weeks ago Mr. Rock and I had a one crazy afternoon that started when he accidentally slammed the bedroom door on my finger. The damage was pretty bad. There was a cut down to the bone that needed six stitched and the bone was broken in two places.
But like Lilysaur I'd spent my entire childhood and adulthood wanting a dog but never being able to have one for various reasons. So after I regained conscientiousness from passing out due to the pain Mr. Rock asked me what he could do to make it better. I have no idea why my brain went here (the shock, maybe?) I told him he could let me get a dog. His response was "Okay".
Turns out Mr. Rock was going to let me get a dog for Christmas! He knew was becoming frustrated about not being able to have a child yet and sad about our current separation, so he said OK to the dog thing.
I at first thought of going up the center I work at and finding a dog, but then I heard on the news that the SPCA shelter near my house was having free adoptions that day! As much as I love where I work, I also know it's a very well-known, well publicized adoption center and the dogs are rarely there for longer than a couple of weeks. Plus their adoptions fees are $150+. I figured free adoption means I can spend that money on buying him stuff to spoil him with! So off to the shelter we went, bloody broken finger and all!
So meet Linus!
He was PERFECT! Sweet, cuddly, non-shedding (I have mild allergies), a good size for our condo, and MINE!
And can you believe he's doing the trick? I'm no longer counting down the days until my doctor approves TTC again. I'm really enjoying having him to keep my company when Mr. Rock is away. And I think he'll be great when the baby comes. He's already spent a lot of time with the 1 year old son of a friend and he loves him! He lets that kid sit against him, hug him, roll around on the floor with him, etc. and seems more than happy to do it.
I'm still waiting for that magic day in March or April when my doctor gives us the thumbs up to start trying again. But I'm no longer anxious for it. Amazing how life works out sometimes.
And he's helping me not feel so bad that I now have a mangled finger with a giant scar going across it and feeling that will never return due to nerve damage. Yes, it was a HORRIBLE, painful accident, but in the end I got a dog. Now every time I see the scar I'll think of Linus and be happy.
A few weeks ago Mr. Rock and I had a one crazy afternoon that started when he accidentally slammed the bedroom door on my finger. The damage was pretty bad. There was a cut down to the bone that needed six stitched and the bone was broken in two places.
But like Lilysaur I'd spent my entire childhood and adulthood wanting a dog but never being able to have one for various reasons. So after I regained conscientiousness from passing out due to the pain Mr. Rock asked me what he could do to make it better. I have no idea why my brain went here (the shock, maybe?) I told him he could let me get a dog. His response was "Okay".
Turns out Mr. Rock was going to let me get a dog for Christmas! He knew was becoming frustrated about not being able to have a child yet and sad about our current separation, so he said OK to the dog thing.
I at first thought of going up the center I work at and finding a dog, but then I heard on the news that the SPCA shelter near my house was having free adoptions that day! As much as I love where I work, I also know it's a very well-known, well publicized adoption center and the dogs are rarely there for longer than a couple of weeks. Plus their adoptions fees are $150+. I figured free adoption means I can spend that money on buying him stuff to spoil him with! So off to the shelter we went, bloody broken finger and all!
So meet Linus!
He was PERFECT! Sweet, cuddly, non-shedding (I have mild allergies), a good size for our condo, and MINE!
And can you believe he's doing the trick? I'm no longer counting down the days until my doctor approves TTC again. I'm really enjoying having him to keep my company when Mr. Rock is away. And I think he'll be great when the baby comes. He's already spent a lot of time with the 1 year old son of a friend and he loves him! He lets that kid sit against him, hug him, roll around on the floor with him, etc. and seems more than happy to do it.
I'm still waiting for that magic day in March or April when my doctor gives us the thumbs up to start trying again. But I'm no longer anxious for it. Amazing how life works out sometimes.
And he's helping me not feel so bad that I now have a mangled finger with a giant scar going across it and feeling that will never return due to nerve damage. Yes, it was a HORRIBLE, painful accident, but in the end I got a dog. Now every time I see the scar I'll think of Linus and be happy.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Breezing through the 2WW
I cannot belive that I am already halfway through the 2WW today! Wow, how did that happen? This is how it happened:
We got a dog! I´ve spent most of my adult life and all of my childhood wanting a dog, and now I convinced Mr. Lillysaur to adopt one. I´ve been working on him for the last two years, so this was a big thing. The little guy came home with us last Friday after we signed the adoption papers at the shelter. He´s about six months old, so truly my baby. We spend lots of time going on walks (I´ve already lost some weight!!!) and playing or just hanging out together. Between the dog and the acupuncture I feel so utterly relaxed and happy that the 2WW didn´t really hit me until I decided to look at FF, which I´ve neglected the past couple of days. I suppose I´ll return to temping eventually, like maybe Wed., but I´m in no rush for now. I have my fur baby to keep me company and distract me. I think he´ll make a great family dog when the time comes, but till then I´m enjoying him.
We got a dog! I´ve spent most of my adult life and all of my childhood wanting a dog, and now I convinced Mr. Lillysaur to adopt one. I´ve been working on him for the last two years, so this was a big thing. The little guy came home with us last Friday after we signed the adoption papers at the shelter. He´s about six months old, so truly my baby. We spend lots of time going on walks (I´ve already lost some weight!!!) and playing or just hanging out together. Between the dog and the acupuncture I feel so utterly relaxed and happy that the 2WW didn´t really hit me until I decided to look at FF, which I´ve neglected the past couple of days. I suppose I´ll return to temping eventually, like maybe Wed., but I´m in no rush for now. I have my fur baby to keep me company and distract me. I think he´ll make a great family dog when the time comes, but till then I´m enjoying him.
