Baby Chocosaur!

I've been a really delinquent Pregosaur... I had my baby in November but things have been so busy for us, adjusting to life with a newborn, that I've been meaning to blog about her birth but just never got around to it. So, without further ado, here's how our little baby Chocosaur made her entrance into this world...

On November 6th (39 weeks, 2 days) I had an Ob appointment and my cervix was "soft" but I still wasn't dilated. We discussed a possible induction on either November 12th (40 weeks, 1 day) or November 16th (40 weeks, 5 days) because the doctor did not want me going beyond 41 weeks. She had me come back on the 10th and based on that visit, we were going to decide what to do. On the 10th I went in and she told me that I was now a fingertip dilated but the baby hadn't dropped all the way.

Honestly, there was a lot of temptation to go ahead and schedule the induction for the 12th because at that point I was just done being pregnant. I was huge and uncomfortable, had trouble sleeping, and I was just eager to meet my little one! That said, I really wanted what was best for the baby so I put my feelings aside and we decided that we would try to give her at least a little more time before inducing. The nurses had already scheduled us for a November 12th induction at the hospital to hold a spot, but we simply rescheduled it for November 16th, hoping the baby would come in her own time before then.

Later that night after my appointment, I started having contractions. I always wondered during my pregnancy how I would know when I was having real contractions. I had heard that real contractions are painful, and that "you'll just know." I hate to also say it, but you really do "just know" when you start feeling them because they are very intense and mild to moderately painful.

My contractions were coming 5 minutes apart and lasted for 90 minutes. (The doctor had said to call if they lasted for longer than 60 minutes, but given how many contractions I had in the past, I thought I would give it more time.) So when I finally hit the 90 minute mark I figured I should call the doctor and let her know. Of course as soon as I went to grab the phone, the contractions started to go away. I was still having them, but at sporadic intervals...every 6-10 minutes with no clear pattern of progression. So I decided to just wait it out until morning to call. When I called, they said just to come in to get checked so we came in as a walk in appointment. The office was packed and we waited for over an hour to be seen. I was still having contractions at this point, but only every 10-15 minutes or so. After a long wait, I was put in an exam room and the doctor finally came in and checked me - I was still just a fingertip dilated - nothing had changed from the previous day. So they sent me home to wait some more. I was so sure that they were going to say I was at least 2 cm dilated, but unfortunately that wasn't the case.

So I went home and went about my day as usual. Around 6pm, I started having contractions again. Again, these were very sporadic, but there was a definite period of time where they were 5 minutes apart for at least an hour. But again, they tapered off and started coming in different time intervals again so I decided to just sit through them. Before going to bed, I showed Mr. Chocosaur the log I was keeping of contractions that night and asked him if he thought I should call the doctor again - he said no, since they were all over the place like the were the previous night. So I went to bed, or tried to get some sleep at least. I never did fall asleep - I had been having trouble falling asleep for quite some time from just being so big and uncomfortable. Add some contractions to the mix and I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep. Then the contractions started to become more painful. I had stopped timing them but they suddenly felt like they were pretty frequent so I started timing them again. This time, they were coming every 2 minutes. Because they were so intense and coming so close together, I decided to call the on-call doctor to find out if I should come in or if I should see if these last for at least an hour (at this point they had only been coming for about 15 minutes). The on-call doctor told me to go drink a bunch of water and get hydrated, then wait and see if they would continue to last for a full hour. If they did, he wanted me to call back and then they would have to go in to the hospital. This was at around 11:30pm on the 11th. I got off the phone with him and then proceeded to go downstairs to get some water. At the bottom of the stairs, I felt a small gush. Nothing huge, in fact it felt very similar to other points in the pregnancy where some discharge would come out. In the past, I had thought my water was breaking but went to the bathroom to check, only find it was normal pregnancy discharge. So this time, when I went to check, I was actually surprised to see that underwear wet with no discharge present - and when I wiped, it was bright red blood. It was a small amount of fluid though, so I wasn't sure if this was actually my water breaking or if it was "bloody show."

So I called the doctor back and told him I wasn't sure if my water broke or if it was bloody show - he didn't really answer my question. He simply said, "Well, if your water broke, you should go in." I was a little annoyed by this but was glad that it was late enough in the night that I was pretty sure he wasn't going to be doing my delivery. So, I went and got my hospital bag, packed up the last of the toiletries that I had held off on packing, and we were at the hospital by about 12:30am (about 1 hour after my water broke). When I went to the admissions desk, they recognized my name and asked, "Weren't you supposed to be here tonight for an induction?" I smiled and told her that I was, but that we had decided to reschedule the induction to give the baby more time to come on her own.

Once I was admitted, a nurse came in to check on me. I was still just a fingertip dilated (I couldn't believe it!) and the nurse wasn't sure if my water actually broke or not because she said she had trouble feeling my bag of waters. She said it could have also been the bloody show, but couldn't say for sure. But they went ahead and hooked me up to a fetal monitor and a contraction monitor, took some blood, and started my IV. The nurse told me to get ready for a very long night, because first time moms tend to have very long labors. At this point, Mr. Chocosaur and my mom decided to go home and get some sleep and return in the morning. Before leaving, my hubby told me to try and get some rest - I told him there was no way I was getting any sleep while I was having painful contractions every 2 minutes!!

The nurse told me that I could get the epidural at any time I wanted it. I asked her how much it would slow down the labor and she said it would slow it down some, but not a lot. The nurse also informed me that if your water breaks, the contractions tend to be much stronger than if it has not. I tried really hard to deal with the pain for as long as possible, but with the contractions coming every 2 minutes and hours of labor ahead of me, I finally asked for the epidural around 3:30am. The nurse told me she'd just call and wake up the anesthesiologist and I'd feel better in no time. It didn't make me feel great that he'd be tapping into my spine minutes after waking up, but what choice did I have?

The anesthesiologist came quickly and then they had me sit up in bed with my legs dangling over the edge. I always thought that epidurals were administered while you were laying on your side (like a spinal tap) but I guess not. I was terrified about what it would feel like but it wasn't too bad. The worst part was having to sit still while he was doing it even though I was having contractions. They don't pause while you have the contractions, they just keep going. The nurse told me to lean over the edge of the bed with my back hunched over and cross my arms and breathe through the contractions but they were so painful I had to take my arms and brace her shoulders to get through it. The lidocaine stung a bit going in and when he went to give me the epidural I could still feel it going in! I screamed and he stopped; then he casually said, "I guess we're going to need some more lidocaine." After the second injection of lidocaine I did not feel any pain as he inserted it, but I did feel some pressure. There was another brief moment of pain as he did things. I have no idea what all he did but at one point he said, "You're going to feel a back cramp now, totally normal," and when I yelped he said, "good, that's what we want." Ha! Shortly thereafter, the drugs started to kick in and all the pain from the contractions was gone... it was wonderful. I could still feel slight pressure from each contraction, but all the pain was gone. This was around 3:45am. From then on, I was able to doze in and out of sleep. I wasn't ever able to get any really good sleep, as the nurse kept coming in to check on me, adjust my monitors, etc. Plus the blood pressure cuff was checking my blood pressure every 10 or 15 minutes and it would wake me up.

Around 6am the nurse called my Ob who was thankfully on-call that day - this is why we had scheduled the induction on the 12th in the first place. She wanted to go ahead and augment my labor with pitocin because once your water breaks, you need to deliver within 24 hours or else the risk of infection gets really high. So the nurse came in around 6:30am and checked my cervix one more time before starting the pitocin. I was 2 cm dilated (finally), so at least I was progressing a little bit. At this point, the pad they had put under me was soaked and there was meconium in it so the nurse said that it was definitely my water that had broken and wasn't just bloody show earlier. I was a little worried at this point due to the meconium being in the amniotic fluid - the whole reason we had discussed induction was to decrease the risk of meconium aspiration which goes up after 41 weeks. There was nothing we could do about it though, except wait and see.

So they started the pitocin in my IV - I couldn't really feel any difference in the contractions but from there on out, I was happy to see that I was progressing exactly as I should be. By 7:30am I was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced. By 10am I was 4cm dilated and 90% effaced. By noon I was 6cm dilated and 100% effaced but the baby had not totally dropped so the Ob was concerned about that. If she didn't drop, I wouldn't be able to deliver her vaginally. Furthermore, the doctor felt like the baby might be tilted a bit to where part of her head was face up. She said that babies that are "sunny side up" are more difficult to deliver so she wanted to try and reposition me to see if we get the baby to turn. So they had me labor on my side, with my leg elevated straight out in a stirrup. By 2pm I was 10cm dilated and the baby had dropped completely and turned over on her back - laboring on my side had worked! I was so relieved to hear this. The doctor said we could go ahead and start actively pushing so the nurse started setting everything up. She wheeled in a table and set it up with tools to assist in delivery (vacuum, forceps, etc) as well as instruments for an emergency c-section if needed. By 2:30pm the nurse let me go ahead and start pushing.

At this point I was thinking to myself that having a baby wasn't all that bad. I had painful contractions from about 11:15pm to 3:45am but after I had the epidural, the laboring had been a breeze. Don't get me wrong, the contractions were painful enough that I was desperate to get the epidural as soon as they would let me (we had to wait on the bloodwork results and for me to get enough IV fluids), but I could take them. Well, we tried pushing for about 15 minutes but I didn't "know" what muscles to use to push since I couldn't feel anything down there thanks to the wonderful epidural. Even though I knew this was normal, it kind of bothered me because I thought child birth was supposed to be "natural" and that I would just "know" how to push my baby out!

At that point, they decided that we'd have to turn off the epidural so that I could feel again and push more effectively. So we waited about 10-15 minutes for the epidural to wear off. This was the point where I gained an utmost respect for those moms who choose to labor med-free. The pain from the contractions was SO painful... I would even go as far as calling them unbearably painful!!! I expected pain, but not THAT kind of pain. It was so painful that I was crying - actually sobbing - with each contraction. This was not the labor that I had envisioned for myself.

In any case, the plan worked because once I could feel again, I was able to push more effectively. "More" being the key word - I was pushing, but not pushing hard enough for the baby to advance through the birth canal. Nonetheless, the nurse and doctor kept encouraging me and pushing me to keep going. At one point the nurse tried to tell me how she could see the baby's hair and that I just needed to push "a little harder" so she could come out. In order to try to get her to progress more with each push, they used a special technique with me while I was pushing. They said that if I lean over and hunch over my belly while pushing, it would help compress my belly and apply more pressure to get her to come out faster. So they took a bed sheet and had me hold onto it and they would pull me forward with each contraction/push (there was no way I was staying in that position on my own through that much pain!). They also elevated my legs and pulled them outward in order to get my pelvis to open up as much as possible.

So I pushed...and pushed...and pushed... my hospital gown was soaked in tears ...the contractions were coming every 1.5-2 minutes so I was pretty much sobbing non-stop. Nothing helped. Holding my husband's hand, trying to focus on meeting my baby, taking deep breaths, etc.... none of that helped with the pain. After about an hour and half of this, after I thought I was going to die of pain, they decided to turn the epidural back on a little bit to see if that helped. I am not sure why they didn't do this in the first place (I guess they thought I needed to feel everything in order to figure out which muscles to use...and with partial numbness I would have trouble doing so?) but once I had some pain relief, I felt much better and was able to push harder. In fact, the doctor said that those pushes were the strongest and most effective pushes I had made since we had started.

At 5:00pm, after I had been pushing for about 2 hours and 15 minutes, the doctor stopped everything and said we needed to reassess the situation. She said that with first time moms, if the baby isn't out after 2 hours of pushing, it probably isn't going to come out. She said that after 2 hours, the third hour of trying usually isn't very effective because the mom is just so worn out. She then stated that we could continue to try, and if I could just get the baby out a little bit further, she could try to pull her out with either a vacuum or forceps. However, she said that she herself had had a forceps delivery and as a mother she would not recommend that because the recovery is hard on both mom and baby. She also reached in to feel the baby and unfortunately she had turned back over and was sunny side up again, which was one more factor that was going to make it harder to deliver her vaginally.

She then turned to us and asked us what we wanted to do. Mr. Chocosaur turned to me and asked me what I wanted to do. At this point, I was SO worn out and tired of hurting that I did not have the energy to even think about this (they even put an oxygen mask on me to help me get through the contractions). I told him that we could do whatever he wanted to do and that I didn't care anymore! He said it wasn't his decision, but mine... we asked the doctor what the likelihood was of continuing like this and delivering the baby okay - she said about 20%. So then we both kind of decided that we would just go ahead with the c-section. This was at 5:04pm and I remember looking at the clock and asking the doctor, "So this means I'll have my baby and this will be over with before 6:00, right?" My doctor smiled at me and said, "Oh yes, definitely. It won't take long at all." To which I replied, "Great... can I have some more drugs now?" Everyone in the room burst out laughing at this comment and the doctor said, "Yes, we'll get you taken care of."

Once the epidural was back on fully, I felt SO much better. The anesthesiologist came in and gave me some additional drugs, then checked to make sure I was completely numb up to my chest. By 5:24pm they were wheeling me over to the operating room. I remember being so cold from being exposed during the labor, plus all the cold IV fluids that they were giving me (I think I had received at least 2-3 liters by then!). I was shivering uncontrollably even though they put blankets on me. I am not sure if it was the drugs or just the sheer exhaustion of having been up for so long and having labored for so long, but the rest of the evening was a bit of a blur to me...

I remember them transferring me from the hospital bed to the operating room table and the nurse anesthetist talking to me and giving me drugs. I was still shivering uncontrollably at this point - I remember wishing I could warm up so I could feel a little more relaxed (even my teeth were chattering). I am not even sure exactly when they started but I remember thinking to myself that they weren't even waiting for my husband before making the initial incision. I heard them ask for someone to go get him, but I think they started cutting immediately thereafter. Once he was by my head, I asked him what the burning smell was and he told me it was the cautery they were using. I remember thinking to myself, "great, I can smell myself burning." Minutes later, at 5:42pm, they pulled her from my belly and I could hear her crying immediately. The first thing my Ob said was, "Oh she is just beautiful! So beautiful." Before taking her to get cleaned up and everything, they brought her by for me to see her and I immediately started crying. Mr. Chocosaur asked me what was wrong and I told him, "Nothing's wrong. I'm just so happy she is here and this is all over now." After that, they cleaned her up, weighed her, and I heard them give her an apgar score of 8 and then 9. She was 7 pounds, 4.4 ounces and 20 inches long.

My Ob actually told me that once they were in there, she could see that my pelvis was too small and that's why she wasn't progressing when I was pushing. She said I could have pushed until I was blue in the face, but my baby was not coming out except via c-section. She said that my pelvic outlet (which she could feel on her internal exams) was big enough, but my pelvic inlet (which she couldn't see until they opened me up) was way too small for her head to fit through. I just thought to myself, "Well, that would have been nice to know 24 hours ago!!"

After the surgery was done they wheeled me back to labor and delivery so I could recover and spend some time with her before she went to the nursery for her first bath. I remember feeling so groggy during this time that I don't even remember trying to breast feed her. I remember them undressing her so we could have some skin to skin contact before breast feeding, but that's it. Still, I remember how great it felt to finally have her snuggled up against me! I just looked at her and could not believe that this tiny little perfect baby was mine! It was a wonderful ending to very very long ordeal...

I know this is a very, very long post, but I always enjoyed reading other women's birth stories so I hope some of Pregosaur's readers have enjoyed reading mine. I suppose this will be my last post to this blog, as I am no longer a "Pregosaur." Life with a newborn has been crazy exhausting, stressful, and amazingly wonderful all at the same time. I'm not quite ready to transition over to Littlesaur just yet (don't know where I'd find the time!), but maybe someday when baby Chocosaur is a little older! It's been a pleasure being a contributor to this blog, and I wish nothing but the best to all the other Pregosaurs and readers of this blog as everyone makes their journey to motherhood!

I Don't Like This Game...

... the waiting game, that is. Today is my due date and there are still no promising signs of labor on the horizon. I've had contractions for the last 3 weeks. Earlier in my pregnancy, I had asked another pregnant mom how she was able to differentiate Braxton Hicks contractions from real contractions (I've been having BH contractions since week 20). She said that real contractions sort of take your breath away and the pain is very similar to bad cramping during your period. My uterus gets so hard and tight with the BH contractions I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to discern the difference, but once I started having real contractions, I definitely knew what they were.

One evening a few weeks ago I started having contractions 15 minutes apart for an hour, then 10 minutes apart for an hour, and then they just stopped. I swore after that happened that I was going to see the doctor at 37 weeks and she would tell me that I was dilated and ready to deliver this baby soon! Alas, I was not.

Image Source
Then there was another evening when I had contractions every 5 minutes for an hour. They say to call if you have contractions every 5 minutes lasting for over an hour, or if your water breaks, so I thought surely I was going into labor. Silly me, because as soon as the one hour mark hit, the contractions stopped! Still, with all those contractions I thought I would definitely be at least a little dilated at my next appointment at 39 weeks but all the doctor could tell me was that my cervix was starting to soften.

I just went in again yesterday at 39 weeks and 6 days and I'm apparently making some progress. Not much, but a little....today I was "a fingertip dilated" and my cervix is softer than it was previously. The baby has dropped a little further and my doctor said she could easily break my water at this point if she wanted to. She also said she could feel my pelvis "opening up." So, the baby could come at any time now, or she could take her sweet little time.

At this point, I am so ready for this baby to be here. I can hardly walk anywhere without getting winded (though I'm trying to walk a lot to induce labor) and I just cannot get comfortable enough at night to get some decent sleep. I toss and turn, and once I am finally able to fall asleep, I am woken up by the urge to pee again. I've heard lots of moms say that this is common and it's nature's way of getting you used to all the sleepless nights that come with taking care of a newborn. That's probably true, but that doesn't change the fact that I would love to get a good night's sleep right now!

Image Source
Only 5% of all babies are actually born on their due date - most are born somewhere between 38-42 weeks. I can't reliably wait on my water to break as an indication of the start of labor, as only 8% of pregnant women have their water break before they go into labor. So for now, I just get to hang around, over-analyzing every contraction and wondering when this baby will come.

We've decided to schedule an induction for next Monday if the baby doesn't come on her own sooner. I will be 40 weeks and 5 days at that point. It's my understanding that some doctors won't even induce labor until after 41 weeks, but my doctor said that she doesn't like to let her patients go beyond 41 weeks because the baby's risk of meconium aspiration are much higher then. We had originally discussed inducing as early as tomorrow, but have decided to give the baby some more time to come out on her own.

If you do some research or ask around, you'll find all sort of methods out there that are supposed to induce labor. Shopasaur blogged about it here. I'm not entirely sure that I believe in any of them, but we're going to give some of those methods a shot (can't really hurt, right? Except for the castor oil - blech!). We'd really prefer for this baby to come in her own time, but if it's better for her to be induced next week then that's what we'll do. Either way, you should be hearing an announcement from us any day now...

Third Trimester Woes

I had many other moms and pregnant women tell me to enjoy the second trimester because that's when the fatigue is gone, you get a second wind, and the morning sickness is gone. It's a great period because you finally feel like your old, non-pregnant self again. I really did not truly appreciate this until I was well into my third trimester.

Your bump starts to look less like you had a big meal and turns into a really belly, and you start to feel like you are carrying around a huge melon strapped to your body. I haven't had really bad back pain, but getting around is much harder now and I am definitely waddling. There's a lot more pressure down there, and as another pregnant woman so accurately described it to me, you feel a soreness between your legs when you are walking that feels like you just went horseback riding!

The baby's movements have started to become more and more pronounced, which can be fun and exciting, but often times she'll also push so hard that it's uncomfortable. They told me at the last ultrasound that she was already head down and that the odds of her changing positions from that point were slim, but if it I didn't know otherwise, sometimes I would think that she is standing on top of my cervix, stopping her feet down on it like she is throwing a temper tantrum! Before I got pregnant I would always wonder how a woman would know that the baby was pushing on her cervix... well, I hate to say it, but you "just know" because it hurts down there!

Image Source
It also starts to become increasingly difficult to fall alseep at night. Not only are you trying to get comfortable with a huge belly, but the baby is most active at night. Sometimes I swear she's doing yoga or trying to stretch out my uterus to make more room for herself in there, as she's pushing so hard in so many different directions!


Image Source

To make things worse, during week 34 I started to develop heartburn whenever I would lay down to go to sleep. Furthermore, despite consuming tons and tons of water, my hands and feet started to swell as well. I had to take off my wedding and engagement rings, for fear that my fingers would swell to the point where I would not be able to remove them (it was already really hard to wriggle them off!). I did, however, find that compression hosiery helped quite a bit with the swelling. If you're pregnant and interested in trying out some compression hosiery, make sure you enter the Pregosaur Giveaway that ends this Sunday! As a side note, if you plan to take maternity pictures, I would recommend doing them between 32-34 weeks. By then, your bump is big enough for pictures, but you aren't so uncomfortable and more importantly, your face isn't swelling yet.

I hear so many women say that they miss being pregnant. I am confident that what they miss is not all the discomfort that comes with the end of the third trimester. I will surely miss feeling my little one move and kick inside me - I think that's my favorite part of pregnancy. Of course I could do without and won't miss all the swelling, trouble sleeping, heartburn, soreness, etc. For now, I'm trying to keep in mind that the longer she stays in there, the more developed and better off she'll be. I am so grateful to even be pregnant in the first place and I try to keep in mind what a blessing it is to be having this baby, but honestly sometimes I'm so miserable I really wish she would just come out already...

Back to the Perinatologist

As I entered the third trimester, my follow up ultrasound with the perinatologist was rapidly approaching. Even though he told us not to worry, part of me couldn't help but wonder if I would be in that group of 10% where the partial placenta previa did not resolve. This would also be our chance to confirm that we were indeed having a baby girl. The last thing I wanted was to deliver the baby and have them say "surprise! it's a boy!" when we have all this girly stuff at home!!!

The baby was noticeably bigger on this scan and it was much easier to make out her different body parts. It was so neat to see her in there, moving around, doing various things like putting her hand on her tummy or playing with her toes. They first confirmed that she was "still" a girl - so hopefully we won't have any surprises on delivery day... and then the tech asked me, "You had a partial previa?" I told her I did and then she replied, "Well, I would have never known unless you had told me because your placenta is nowhere near your cervix now!" I was so relieved to hear that. This meant that I would not be required to deliver by c-section (barring any other complications during labor & delivery). Sure enough, the doctor came in shortly thereafter and confirmed the previa had resolved and reconfirmed that we were having a healthy baby girl. At 29 weeks and 5 days, I was basically through 75% of this pregnancy and in the homestretch... I couldn't believe it...

The Hiccups!

I had heard from several women that aside from feeling the baby kick, you can feel when they have the hiccups too! I had never heard of this until actually getting pregnant, so this was news to me. After I started feeling the baby kick, I started to wonder if I would be able to recognize the hiccups.

I asked another mom how you discern the difference between kicking and hiccups and she said that they are more regular and rhythmic than kicks, and that I would "just know." I really hate it when people say things like that "You'll just know." Because really - what if I don't?!

Well, I hate to admit it but at 24 weeks and 3 days, I felt the baby with the hiccups for the first time and I did - I just knew :) It was the strangest sensation because it was much more subtle and less noticeable than kicks but it was definitely in regular intervals, just a few seconds apart. I wonder what the baby thinks when she is in there, with the hiccups... does it bother her? Does it annoy her? Or confuse her? I guess we'll never know... but feeling baby's hiccups inside your belly is definitely a very strange/cool part of being pregnant!

Belly Buttons 'n More

Over the next few weeks, my belly really started to grow. I could see my belly button becoming more and more shallow until week 23, where half of it started to become an outie. It's funny how some women never get an outie and others get one very early on. Some women are really bothered by the fact that they develop an outie, but I didn't really care. I only wondered if my belly button would continue to pop out until it was a full outie, or if it would just remain in this in between stage throughout my entire pregnancy.

Image Source

Aside from the outie belly button, I also developed quite a visible linea negra. The linea negra is a dark line that appears on your belly during pregnancy, running up and down your belly. It is usually most prominent under your belly button, but I developed a thin linea negra all the way up my belly, with a thicker line under my belly button. Apparently the hormonal changes that come with pregnancy stimulate increased pigment production, causing this area to darken.

Image Source

What bothered me more than my outie or the linea negra was the dark pigmentation that developed around my belly button, making it look bruised. I'm guessing that the hormonal changes that cause the linea negra to form may also explain the darkening around my belly button. Regardless of the cause, I've heard from a few other women who have been pregnant that the skin just sloughs off after you have the baby and it looks normal again. (Kind of gross, but good to know it returns back to normal after pregnancy.) I have had a few people tell me that the pigmentation looks to be in the shape of a heart, so at least I have a semi-cute looking "bruise" around my outie :)

There are so many changes that your body goes through with pregnancy... what change has bothered you the most? What change occurred that you never expected?

Placenta Previa

The only negative thing that came out of our big u/s was finding out that I had a partial placenta previa. Placenta previa is a condition in which the placenta is sitting right over your cervix. This necessitates a c-section because vaginal delivery would cause the blood vessels in the placenta to rupture, resulting in excessive blood loss. Placenta previa is actually classified into 4 types:

Type I or low lying: The placenta encroaches the lower segment of the uterus but does not infringe on the cervical os.
Type II or marginal: The placenta touches, but does not cover, the top of the cervix.
Type III or partial: The placenta partially covers the top of the cervix
Type IV or complete: The placenta completely covers the top of the cervix

Image Source

While the placenta does not MOVE at all during pregnancy, the uterus does grow quite a bit. Consequently, often times, a partial placenta previa will "resolve" itself when the uterine isthmus (the narrow part of the uterus at the junction of the body of the uterus and cervix) grows/unfolds and forms the lower segment of the uterus. 90% of all partial placenta previa cases will resolve in this way by 28 weeks gestation.

Our perinatologist told us that there was no need for us to worry about being in the 10% group, and did not put me on pelvic rest (i.e. no sex). When you have placenta previa, you are definitely on pelvic rest and sometimes bed rest as well... with partial placenta previas, I guess it just depends on the doctor. But our doctor told us that I did not need to change a thing that I was doing and that we could just come back to recheck in about 10 weeks. Even though he told us not to worry, we left the office with a little bit of trepidation, wondering if I would be forced into having a c-section instead of the vaginal birth that I preferred... only time would tell...

It's a...

After feeling the baby kick, the next big milestone we would be hitting would be our "big" ultrasound where we would find out if we were having a boy or a girl. My ob/gyn actually gave us the phone number for the perinatologist who would be doing the u/s at our 9 week appointment. You betcha I called that same day to schedule this u/s! I tried to get in as soon as they would take me. I tried to schedule it during week 17 so we would know the baby's gender before our parents came to visit us (they were coming for DH's graduation), but they wouldn't let me. They said that as little as one week can make a difference and they don't like to see their patients until they are at least 18 weeks along. Well, I wanted to at least find out before our parents flew back home, so I fibbed about my EDD and got our u/s scheduled for 17w5d. I figured just a few days couldn't really make a difference. Plus, I have heard of many women saying that their u/s techs were able to get a good guess in as early as 13 weeks...

Image Source

Some women just "have a feeling" or say it's a "mother's intuition," but I had no idea if we were having a boy or a girl. Mr. Chocosaur really wanted the baby to be a boy, because he is the only male in his family, and it is really important to him that we have a child that will be able to carry on the family name. I really didn't care either way, as long as the baby was healthy. The only real reason why I was leaning towards wanting the baby to be a boy was because then I knew DH would be happy and then I wouldn't have to worry about the baby's gender when we have our second child.

There are so many different myths out there about gender prediction. Some say that higher heart rates, particularly over 140 bpm, indicate that you are having a girl. My baby's heart rate always hovered between 135-140 bpm at each visit, meaning we should be having a boy. Then there are the Chinese gender predictor charts - according to these charts, we were going to have a boy. I've also heard that if you have a very dark/prominent linea negra, then you are having a boy. Most women do not even develop a linea negra until later on in pregnancy, but mine started to develop as early as the late first trimester. So according to this myth, I was having a boy. Then there is the Drano test - yes, you read that right - Drano, as in the household drain cleaner. I have heard many women swear by this test, stating that they have not once heard of this test failing. Unfortunately, I did not do this test so I can't attest to its accuracy. So, according to most methods of gender prediction, we were going to have a boy...


When we went in for the ultrasound, the first thing the u/s tech asked us was if we wanted to know the gender of the baby. We both emphatically answered, "Yes!" and then anxiously waited for her to do the scan. It really seemed like she was scanning everything else on the baby... she checked the brain to make sure there wasn't any fluid on the brain, she checked the heart to make sure there were four chambers and no visible defects, she checked the spinal cord, stomach, kidneys, length of the long bones, etc. and then finally she scanned between the baby's legs. I half squinted at the screen, trying to make out a male body part, but couldn't see anything... and then the tech announced that it was a girl! Haha, so that's why I didn't see anything. I had almost convinced myself that we were going to have a boy that I was fairly shocked to find out that we were having a baby girl! I immediately looked at Mr. Chocosaur to see if he had a look of disappointment on his face, but he more just had a look of surprise. I asked him if he was disappointed and he said that he was not disappointed and that he was happy that everything on the u/s showed her to be healthy. Shortly after the u/s tech finished her scan, the perinatologist came in and repeated the scan, this time going much quicker... he only briefly mentioned some of the big things he was seeing, probably because the tech had already taken so much time to show us everything. It wasn't long, though, before he confirmed that we were in fact having a baby girl. So much for all those gender prediction tools, huh?!

When we polled our families to see what they thought we were having, everyone said "boy" except for my mom who only said "girl" because she felt like someone had to. Some said that they were confident it was a boy because Mr. Chocosaur walked into the room after the u/s with a glow on his face. This made me feel a bit better about the fact that our baby was a girl, because even though DH had wanted a boy, he still looked happy after finding out we were having a girl. I was excited to be on team pink, because little girls are so much more fun to dress up. I could not wait to start buying tons of girly clothes once we found out the gender! The only thing DH had to say was that he wasn't going to let our little girl date until she is 30 - ha! Yeah, good luck with that one right?

Image Source

And with the big reveal that we were having a baby girl, I finally felt like I could go out and start buying things for the baby... up until then, I hadn't really made any baby purchases, even after we had safely made it into the second trimester. Once you start buying things for the baby, it all starts to feel so much more real....

Feeling the Baby Kicking!

The first half of the second trimester was relatively uneventful. The morning sickness and fatigue was gone like it had never happened... you really do get a "second wind" and start to feel like yourself again during the second trimester.

Aside from a very small bump, it was really hard to tell that I was even pregnant. As I approached the 16 week mark, I began to try very hard to sense any fetal movement. You're supposed to be able to feel the baby kick anywhere between 16-22 weeks if it's your first baby, even sooner if it is your second (because you know what it feels like).

I found myself questioning every little bit of gas I had - was that the baby kicking? Surely enough, seconds later, I would feel the gas moving on within my intestinal tract, confirming that it was in fact not the baby, just my imagination! This went on for quite some time, starting around week 14, even though I knew it wouldn't be a while before I would feel the baby. I kept thinking that if mothers pregnant with their second child could feel the baby earlier than 16 weeks, then if I was really keen and observant, I might too.

Image Source

I would pay particular attention to my belly at night when I went to bed, the time when you're most likely to feel the baby kicking because you're laying still. At 16 weeks and 1 day, I felt something ever so slight. Just once, and then nothing more. I've heard many different descriptions of fetal movement from other mothers - some describe it like a goldfish swimming around inside your belly, others say it feels like popcorn popping, while others describe it as a simple flutter. This honestly did not feel like any of the above descriptions, so I wasn't sure if it really was the baby or not. Coincidentally, my coworkers asked me the next day if I was feeling the baby yet - I told them, "I think I did last night, but I'm not sure." One person responded, "You're feeling the baby move! You just don't realize it yet."

Image Source

Sure enough, that night as I was laying in bed, I felt the same thing again... but this time I felt it a few more times! I then knew that what I was feeling was the baby kicking! The feeling is so hard to describe, but it really did feel like there was a little being inside me giving me a soft kick. Mr. Chocosaur was really mad at the baby because every time he put his hand on my belly to feel the baby kick, the movements would stop!!! Haha... isn't that how it is with all babies?! He just had to be patient, though, because a week after I first started feeling kicks, he was able to feel it too. It was a really big milestone in my pregnancy and is still my favorite aspect of pregnancy. So if you are pregnant and waiting to feel the baby kick, be patient... it's totally worth it! :)

The NT Scan

Like most mothers, we were given the option of doing an NT scan (nuchal translucency) around 12-13 weeks. There are many reasons to do the scan, namely it gives you information about whether or not the baby is at risk for Downs Syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities. You can find detailed information about the pros and cons of the NT scan here.

My husband and I discussed it briefly, but quickly came to the conclusion that we would not be opting to do one. It would have been great to get another glimpse of the baby on ultrasound, but that would basically be it for us - an expensive ultrasound. It wasn't covered by my insurance plan, we have no family history of chromosomal abnormalities, and even if the baby did have some type of abnormality, there wasn't anything that we were going to do about it. It's a personal choice, but we knew that we would not terminate the pregnancy, no matter what they saw on the scan. Many parents state that even if they aren't going to terminate the pregnancy, it still gives them time to do research on the condition and prepare themselves mentally and emotionally for the baby's arrival. I completely respect that, but feel that I would personally spend more time worrying than anything. The scan doesn't give you a "yes or no" answer, simply an odds ratio, i.e. your baby has a 1 in 1,000 chance of having Downs Syndrome.

So because we opted not to do the NT scan, the next time we would be getting a glimpse of baby chocosaur was going to be at 18 weeks at the anatomy scan aka "big ultrasound"... over 2 months from the first ultrasound... it seemed like it could not come soon enough!

Busting Out

I was pretty lucky in that my morning sickness never progressed to anything more than a general, mild feeling of nausea. Furthermore, it only lasted for 4 weeks. It was over before my first trimester ended, which was great because went on a little babymoon and I would have hated being sick the entire time.

By the end of my first trimester I could no longer zip up any of my pants, and decided to invest in a few key pieces of maternity wear, mainly bottoms. Some women really like the bella band, but I heard that it can ride up and down on your belly if you are sitting down and standing up a lot. I'm constantly up and about, mostly standing, but often sitting at work for brief moments so I didn't think the bella band would work for me. Instead, I just opted to go straight to maternity clothes. I have to say that I absolutely love the stretch in maternity bottoms - why don't they make all clothes like this?! The only regret I've heard from other pregnant women is that they wish they had gotten into maternity clothes sooner! They are so much more comfortable. Every woman is different... some need them sooner, others don't need them until later. If you need them sooner, don't hesitate to buy them... as soon as your bottoms start to feel snug, get some maternity clothes! I promise you will be so much happier in them! Plus, just think about how much more use you'll be getting out of them if your purchase them sooner rather than later.

One of my major clothing purchase regrets was not buying a new bra sooner! I was trying really hard to wait on buying new bras because I didn't want to find myself buying several different sizes throughout my pregnancy. I heard that you can expect a lot of growth in the third trimester, and then even more growth once your milk comes in. So I was literally busting out of my regular bras for quite some time before I finally broke down and bought some newer, larger bras.


Image Source
I have to say that I was soooooo much more comfortable once I was wearing the appropriately sized bras! (Duh, right?!) By the end of my first trimester, I had already gone from a B cup to a D cup! I always thought that the majority of mammary development occured towards the end of the pregnancy but I guess I was wrong! So, take my advice - when your bra starts feeling too small, please go out and buy the next size up, don't wait and be uncomfortable for weeks like I did. Let's just hope I don't go up too many more sizes during the rest of my pregnancy, though, because I don't want to be spending more on bras than maternity wear!

Morning Sickness

Aside from the overwhelming fatigue and frequent bathroom breaks, the first few weeks of my pregnancy weren't bad at all. As I approached the end of week 7, I figured that if I did not have any morning sickness by week 8, that I probably wouldn't have any at all during this pregnancy. For a short while I had a glimmer of hope that I was one of those lucky women who didn't get morning sickness.

The night of week 7 day 5 was like any other night. I went about my usual activities but eventually went to bed a bit earlier than usual due to the fatigue. I woke up in the middle of the night, around 3am, and had to go to the bathroom. This was par for the course, so I thought nothing of it. I basically stumbled out of bed in a haze, went to the bathroom, and then stumbled back into bed in the dark. Only this time, I had trouble falling back asleep.

Image Source

I layed there for some time, and then I started to feel a bit uneasy. Initially, it didn't even occur to me that this could be morning sickness... until the feeling became so overwhelming that I realized that I was about to throw up. Fortunately, I made it to the bathroom on time; unfortunately, I did not make it to the toilet in time! Ick! I did make it to the sink at least, but cleaning up chunky vomit from the sink isn't nearly as pleasant as simply flushing the toilet :(

From this night on, I found myself with a general sense of nausea all the time. It wasn't just in the morning, but was an all day kind of feeling - "morning" sickness really is such a misnomer. Often, it was worse at night, actually. I found that keeping my stomach full with frequent small snacks helped, as did eating sour candy. So much so that I went and bought some sour candy in bulk. I've heard some women feel better when they eat/drink ginger, but I did not try that. Thankfully, I had no further episodes of vomiting after that first one. Relatively speaking, I think I had a pretty mild case of morning sickness. I am not sure how some women manage who vomit multiple times a day - I guess there really isn't anything you can do but live with it, but still... just the constant nausea was enough to make me question whether I wanted to go through another pregnancy :/

The one thing about the morning sickness that made me feel better was that it was an indication that all was well with the baby and that the pregnancy was progressing as it should. It gave me a little more peace of mind as we waited for our 9 week ultrasound (which could not come soon enough!).

While the wait was unbearably long, it was all worth it when we saw our little peanut on the ultrasound! I was amazed at how much detail we could see on the ultrasound so early on... we could see little arms and legs!

We were also able to hear and see the heartbeat for the first time! It was so exciting and yet so surreal. It was hard to believe that I had this little being growing inside me... I had begun to develop the smallest little baby bump by 9 weeks. No one could tell, but I could tell by how tight my pants were starting to become. Other than that, the constant mild nausea was the only proof I had that I really had a baby growing inside me...

Early Pregnancy

I've been a really bad Pregosaur. I don't know why, but I keep saying that I'm going to come home from work and blog, but then somehow I always end up putting it off until "tomorrow." Then before I know it, weeks have passed and I still haven't blogged about anything. I promise to be a better Pregosaur from here on out...

It actually wasn't too long after I started blogging on Pregosaur that we found out that I was pregnant. In fact, it was just a few days after I published my first post on this blog that we confirmed it. You might be wondering why I didn't just come out and announce it immediately. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops, I really did. I chose not to, however, for two reasons.

The first reason was because things are so uncertain in the beginning. So many things can go wrong and the miscarriage rate, I was surprised to find out, is about 20-25% in young, healthy women. I wanted to make sure that everything was okay with the baby first before making the announcement. That said, if something had happened, I think I would have blogged about it as an outlet for my emotions. Thankfully, everything has been progressing really well so far.

The main reason I wanted to wait before announcing my pregnancy was because I wanted the opportunity to blog about my IF journey. No matter how long or short, it's not an easy path to take, and I wanted to share my experiences with others to help those who have found themselves on that path, and for those that are not - to help raise awareness about IF.

I was really surprised how quickly the pregnancy symptoms came upon me after I got my BFP. I was immediately making trips to the bathroom at night to pee, something I had never done before. I always thought that the increased urination doesn't occur until the end of pregnancy, when the baby is pushing on your bladder. Turns out that your increased blood volume, in addition to the increased blood flow to the uterus will cause increased urination early on in pregnancy as well.

Image Source

The fatigue was also overwhelming. I'm usually a night owl, staying up until midnight or 1am every night, but as soon as I was pregnant I found that I was ready to go to bed between 8-9pm!!! This wasn't something that was intermittent, either. I was consistently feeling fatigued every night after I got home from work, regardless of what my work day had been like. I was really surprised that a little being consisting of just a few small cells could be taking such a toll on me!

Image Source

My breasts also started to become tender almost immediately, and I could already tell that they were growing. I always thought that the majority of mammary development occurred in the third trimester, but apparently for many women, it starts early on.

Those were my main pregnancy symptoms early on. Luckily, I did not have any morning sickness during the first few weeks. I was thankful for this, but at times it was hard for me to really feel pregnant. I know that every pregnancy is different... some women never get morning sickness and some get morning sickness with one pregnancy but not the other. Some have mild nausea, and then others are vomiting multiple times a day, requiring medications.

Regardless of which symptoms I had or did not have, I was thrilled to finally be pregnant. This joy was slightly hampered by the ongoing worry that something would happen to my baby and I would have a miscarriage. I had no reason to believe that things were going awry - I had not had any spotting or cramping - just mild twinges as my uterus was growing. Yet it was still so hard to keep the worry from the forefront of my mind. The five week wait for my 9 week ultrasound was even harder than any other 2 week wait I had previously endured. I just had to constantly remind myself that we had waited so long to finally be here that I was going to do my best to enjoy this pregnancy...

Finally?

So after months and months of TTC, numerous OPKs, an IF diagnosis of anovulation, two rounds of fertility treatment, multiple dates with the "dildo cam," and dozens of HPTs, I finally saw a second line!!! I have to admit that I was impatient and tested early, even though I wasn't supposed to. You see, when you receive a trigger shot, the hCG slowly leaves your system in the urine. Because a HPT checks for hCG, this can cause false positives. The hCG leaves the body at an averag rate of 1,000 units per day. Most women receive 10,000 units, meaning an average of 10 days before the trigger is gone. My doctor instructed me not to test early to avoid false positives, and told me I could test with FMU 14 days after the trigger.

For those who habitually POAS and are too anxious to wait a full two weeks, you can "test out the trigger," meaning you can POAS daily until the positive line disappears, then continue to POAS until you (hopefully) see another positive pop up. Otherwise, if you POAS early you have no idea if it's a true positive or false positive. I have seen some women report that the trigger is out of their system as early as 3-4 days after the trigger, and others that found it didn't completely leave their body until 13 days later. Hence my doctor's recommendation to wait 14 days.

Of course I decided to be cheap and did not test out the trigger (even though you can get HPTs at the Dollar Tree that are among the most sensitive). If you recall, most women ovulate 24-36 hours after receiving the trigger shot. I thought I felt what might be ovulation 2 days after I received the injection, and then a thermal shift on my chart confirmed it. So when I POAS 10 days after the trigger, it was about 8DPO. That is really, really early to be testing - if you don't believe me, see the stats here. But, I just couldn't resist because during this cycle, I started to feel some mild cramping during the 2ww. I normally only get cramps after AF has showed up, not before, and was wishfully thinking that these cramps could be a sign of implantation. So I POAS at just 8DPO and lo behold, after a few minutes, I saw a line. It was a very very very faint line, so much so that I was squinting and holding it out at arm's length to figure out if it was really a line, or just my eyes fooling me. I've always heard that "a line is a line" and you're PG regardless of how light or dark the line is. There's really no such thing as "sort of" PG; either you're PG or you're not. At this point, I was kicking myself for not testing the trigger out. At 10 days post trigger, this very well could be the last bit of hCG injection leaving my system... or, it could be a sign of pregnancy!!! I had no way of knowing if it was simply wishful thinking or reality, so I put away the pee sticks for a few days and resolved not to test again until 12DPO, 14 days after the trigger, as my doctor had originally instructed me.

Those next 4 days were pure torture!!! I could not stop thinking about it, and almost POAS each subsequent morning. The only thing stopping me was the fact that I only had one HPT left. If I POAS and it was negative, I'd have to either go out and buy more, or wait for AF to show up. So I resolved to wait the full 4 days. That fourth morning I awoke and ran straight to the bathroom and POAS. This time, instead of it taking a few minutes to show up, the beautiful pink line showed up before the control line even popped up! There was no question about it now - I was PG! After countless HPTs, I finally got to see a BFP!!! It was one of the most exciting days of my life, and will probably only be trumped by the day the baby is born.

I called the doctor and came in to get my blood drawn for a beta and found that my beta was 237 at 12DPO and then 735 at 14DPO. Using this beta calculator, the doubling time was 1.22 days, meaning that although rare, my BFP at 8DPO was in fact real and not a false positive from the hCG injection (it was probably about 25 at 8DPO, just high enough to be picked up by most HPTs). Using another beta calculator, I was a bit curious to find out if we were having a singleton, or if we were having twins. Unlike most couples, we had the opportunity to see my follicles before ovulation so we knew I only have one mature follie - or at least one visible follie. Sometimes they can be elusive and missed on u/s, or the embryo could have split after conception, yielding identical twins. There is absolutely no scientific evidence to prove that higher betas correspond to multiples, but I still couldn't help but wonder...

I feel so fortunate that we were able to conceive after just two courses of treatment. When you are first diagnosed as infertile, it's hard not to wonder if you'll ever get PG... and if you do, how far you'll have to go with the treatments to get there. We feel so very blessed with this baby and although it wasn't an easy journey, we know that it will help us appreciate the baby that much more.

Image Source

More Waiting...

Before we started our first medicated cycle, I had already mapped out how I thought things would proceed over the next few months. According to my calculations, if we were unsuccessful the first time, then we would have to sit it out the next cycle due to a vacation we had already planned. After all the waiting we had been through, the last thing I wanted to do was sit through a break cycle. So I prayed and prayed that my 2ww would end with good news.



Image Source
In a way, it did, just not how I imagined. The femara seemed to have regulated my cycle pretty well, because instead of the usual 35+ day cycles that I typically have, AF showed up and I ended up with a 29 day cycle. Even though I had tried to mentally prepare myself for this, as with every cycle, I could not help but feel extreme disappointment that yet again we were without a baby. The good news was that between getting AF really late the last time, combined with the fact that I had a shorter 29 day cycle this time, we wouldn't have to sit the next cycle out. We could go on our vacation and do my first follie scan after we got back. I was sad, but at least we could do another medicated cycle immediately without any further waiting.
Getting disheartened of failing cycle after cycle, I asked the doctor about the possibility of doing an IUI (intrauterine insemination) instead of just timed intercourse. Some women have what's called "hostile" CM that kills the majority of the sperm before they get to the uterus. A post-coital test can be done to determine if you have hostile CM, or you can simply do an IUI and have the sperm injected directly into the uterus to bypass the CM. An IUI also allows a higher number of sperm to be in the uterus, whereas with TI only the best and strongest swimmers make it through. The doctor said that all things being equal, doing an IUI would increase our chances of conception by 6% with each cycle. With the procedure costing about $300-400 and us having to pay OOP (out of pocket) for fertility treatments, we opted to try one or two more TI cycles before moving on to IUIs.

Image Source
Before starting our next cycle, the doctor had me come in for a baseline ultrasound to check for cysts that may have developed during the previous cycle. This is typically done on CD3, but due to my schedule I came in on CD2. A lot of women wonder what it's going to be like getting a transvaginal ultrasound during your period. Thankfully, it's all in a day's work for the doctors, so it's more awkward for you than anyone else. It's like getting your first pap smear - the doctor doesn't even think twice about it, but for you, you're nervous/anxious and aren't sure what to expect. Rest assured that no one (except you) is even thinking twice about the fact that you are bleeding. The nurse puts an absorbent sheet under you before the doctor comes in, so you don't have to worry about bleeding on anything. I had already talked to some other women who had been through this, so I knew what to expect. The ultrasound took all of one minute, but all I could think about was whether I was leaking onto the pad and what the ultrasound wand would look like when she pulled it out. She was so quick about it, though, that I didn't even really get a chance to see the probe cover before she threw it away. The good news was that all looked normal on my scan and I did not have any cysts. So we had a green light to move forward with the cycle and start meds.



Image Source

We ended up having a great vacation, which helped take my mind off the wait until my next ultrasound. I was supposed to go in on CD12, but did not get back from my trip until CD13. I felt pretty good going into this appointment because I knew I had responded fairly well the last time. The only change I was hoping for was a few more follies. Last time, I only had one mature follie, and if we could stimulate two or three to develop, I figured I might have a better chance of conceiving this time. The five minutes I spent waiting in the exam room for the doctor to come in seemed like an eternity. When she finally came in, I so anxious to find out what was "brewing" inside me! She scanned my ovaries and again I had just one lonely follie developing. The big shocker this time, though, was the fact that my follie was already 24mm! I was surprised I hadn't already ovulated on my own (though if I had, we would have been ok because we starting BD'ing during our trip just in case). My lining was a nice, thick 13mm so the stage was set and perfect for implantation. Without any scheduling conflicts this go around, the doctor went ahead and gave me an injection of Novarel (hCG) to trigger ovulation. 95% of women will ovulate when given this injection, usually between 24-36 hours after the injection (though some women ovulate earlier and some a little later). The doctor said that she normally instructs her patients to BD every other night after the trigger, but I had such a nice, large follie that she wanted us to BD every night for the next 3 nights. We diligently followed doctor's orders, but just to be on the safe side, we BD'ed for the next 4 nights instead of just 3. In all our months TTC, I had never ever felt myself ovulate before, but this time I swore I felt a mildly painful twinge in the area of my ovary two days after the trigger. Was that really ovulation? I'm not entirely sure. What I was sure about was how torturous this 2ww, like all the previous ones, was going to be...


Image Source

First Time's the Charm???

Sorry about the lack of posts on my end - my husband and I took a much needed vacation, and then I needed some time to catch up on things. But I'm back, and ready to start blogging again...

It took some time, but I eventually came to terms with my infertility, and became more hopeful as we got closer to starting our first medicated cycle. If we could just get my follicles to grow and release some mature eggs, then we'd be back on track. I was to call the doctor on CD1, to let her know we were ready to start our next cycle. The doctor had suggested starting with clomid first, but I opted to try femara instead. It isn't FDA approved for the treatment of IF, but it is commonly used by many doctors for that purpose. We chose to try femara because it is generally known to have fewer side effects than clomid. I was scared of the "clomid crazies" I had heard about - apparently clomid can cause some pretty intense mood swings - and I figured I could do without those! Clomid can also cause cysts, dry out your CM, and thin your uterine lining, and since I already had a thin lining to begin with, I didn't think we needed to make matters worse.

As an aside - many ob/gyn's will prescribe clomid to women who are having trouble TTC but will not monitor them via u/s during the process. They will hand out a prescription for 3 months of clomid and say, "If you're not PG in 3 months, come back and see me." This is very very dangerous and I would caution anyone who is in this situation to consider seeing another doctor (like an RE - reproductive endocrinologist). If you fail to get PG during a cycle, you won't know if it's because of bad luck or if it's because (1) the clomid dose was too low and it did not stimulate any of your follies (2) you had a cyst and the clomid only stimulated the cyst, not the follies or (3) clomid thinned your lining to the point where implantation was next to impossible. Without this crucial information, the doctor cannot increase your clomid dose for the next month or put you on estrogen to counteract the thin lining if needed. If you have a cyst (either naturally or caused by clomid) and stimulate it with clomid, it could rupture and be quite painful. So please please please do not take clomid (or any other follicle stimulating drug) without proper monitoring. Ok, *stepping off soap box now*



In all our months TTC, I always hoped that AF would be late and stop visiting. During each and every 2ww, I'd will for her to not show up. Like clockwork, she'd always show up 14 DPO. Of course the one time I really wanted her to show up so we could "get the show on the road," she refused to show up. During this particular cycle, I had a 20 day LP for a total of 41 days in my cycle. I don't know why she always has to be so cruel. I knew that scientifically speaking, there was no possible way for me to be pregnant - we saw with our own eyes on the ultrasound that my follicle had not matured like it was supposed to. Yet here I was, with the longest LP ever, wondering if I might miraculously be pregnant. Was it possible that despite NO growth in 4 days, my follicle suddenly had a "growth spurt" after we stopped the monitoring appointments? I knew it was stupid to get my hopes up, but somehow I did. Only to be let down, of course. I took a HPT at 17 DPO only to see a BFN.



It seems that this is always the general rule when you're dealing with IF. When you're TTC and you want AF to stay away, she always shows up. Then when you actually want her to pay you a visit, she takes her sweet time making an appearance. I had looked at the calendar and planned everything out. If I got AF on "X" date, then I'd be able to start the meds CD3-7 and then go in on CD12 for a follie scan and hopefully trigger shortly thereafter. We were working with a very tight schedule and I needed AF to show up on certain dates. You see, DH had a series of interviews he had to fly to, and there obviously wasn't going to be any baby making when he was out of town. So if the stars didn't align just right, we'd have to skip this cycle and wait until the next one. And that was the last thing I wanted to do.





Image Source
By the time AF finally showed up after a 41 day cycle, I was relieved we could finally get started with my first medicated cycle. Looking at the calendar, however, I could tell that it could get very tricky. Depending on how I responded to the meds, it looked like I might end up O'ing while DH was out of town. I talked to my doctor about this and we decided to just push forward and see what happens. If nothing else, we could see how I respond to the meds.

Due to some scheduling conflicts, I ended up going in for my first follie scan on CD 11 instead of of CD12. That morning I was so excited and nervous at the same time. DH was slated to go out of town from CD15-17, so I was really hoping my follies were already mature and we could trigger O and BD before he left for his trip (the trigger usually induces O 36 hours later). Ideally, the meds should stimulate the develop of 2-3 follies, but in my case I only had one. It only takes one, though, right? That's what I kept trying to remind myself. My follie was measuring at 15mm, not quite mature yet, and my lining was 8mm. I was disappointed that I hadn't responded better to the meds, but I was at least glad to see that my lining was already 1mm thicker on CD11 than it had been on CD20 the last cycle. At least it was looking like implantation would be more favorable this time.

So then I was scheduled to come back for another follie check on CD14. I had my fingers crossed that my follie had continued to develop over the last few days. I was even hoping that I had already spontaneously O'd since we had BD'd the day before just in case. The u/s showed that my follie had grown from 15mm to 18mm in 3 days. This is about average, as follies tend to grow 1-2mm/day. At 18mm, the odds of that follie containing a mature egg were high, and the doctor said she would have given me the trigger shot to induce O if it weren't for the fact that DH was going out of town. So instead we were given instructions to BD that day and then as soon as he got back from his trip, hoping that I would either O that day (CD14), or that my body would wait until CD17 when DH returned. The good news was that my lining was nice and thick. It had gone from 8mm to a whopping 12.5mm, perfect for implantation!

So, I found myself with mixed emotions going in the 2ww. I was thrilled that my lining responded very well to the meds, but a little disappointed that my body only produced one follie this time. Add to that the fact that we had less than ideal timing due to DH having to go out of town for interviews. We probably ended up with one or two BD sessions within my fertile window, so the odds of conceiving during this cycle were just "ok." We were only beginning the 2ww and I had already started to think about the next cycle and how the timing might or might not work out around our previously planned vacation. I was hoping that we'd get PG this cycle (could we be so lucky as to get PG on our first medicated cycle?!) but deep down I just didn't have a good feeling about it, so I tried to mentally prepare myself for the "failure" and plan for the next cycle. And so the dreaded 2ww began...

Image Source

Living in a Fertile World

I definitely think that there are different levels of infertility (IF). A couple that has undergone years upon years of treatments is going to have a more intense heartache than a couple that is successful after a few medicated cycles. Still, all IF couples share a common ground and will know a pain that others will never know. There are just some things in life that you cannot fully understand until you've gone through it yourself. IF is one of those things. However, my hope is that during this past week, people have become more aware of how common IF is, gained a little bit more perspective about it, and will be more sensitive about the issue.

Image Source
When you are dealing with IF, suddenly the whole world around you looks different. Of course, nothing around you has changed, but your reality has changed. You are an infertile living in a fertile world. Suddenly it seems like everyone around you is pregnant or has kids. You can't go anywhere or do anything without being reminded of your struggles. Sure, some days are better than others and life seems to go on without any salt being rubbed in your wounds, but other days are not so good.

Image Source
Pregnancy announcements can be quite difficult. You're so happy for your friend, but at the same time you can't help but ask yourself, "Why wasn't it me? Why is it never me? Why is everyone able to get pregnant but me?" Then there's the guilt. The guilt that you can't just be happy for your friend and leave it at that. Why can't good news just be good news? You feel horrible that this news has to be met with mixed emotions.

Image Source
Sometimes the pain gets to be too much and you can't just hide it anymore. There are a lot of young couples and families at the church we attend. I remember going to church one day and looking around me. There were babies and young children everywhere. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. The pain of IF... why couldn't we be one of those families? I almost broke down in tears just sitting there in church! It took everything within me to hold back the tears. This is why those with IF will sometimes politely decline an invitation to a baby shower. It's a shame that sometimes people judge us for making these types of decisions, calling us selfish. It's not because we're not happy for the mom-to-be or don't want to help her celebrate her pregnancy. It's just that sometimes, at different points in our IF journey, it gets to be too much. How embarrassing would it be to break down in tears inexplicably during the middle of another woman's shower? It's not that we can't try to muster up the strength to put our struggles on the back burner long enough to help celebrate a joyous occasion with friends... it's that sometimes, despite our best efforts, we don't have enough strength to be in that type of situation without breaking down. So please try to understand this.

Image Source
I'm hoping that as National Infertility Awareness Week comes to a close, I've helped shed some light on this matter. I also wanted to share with you "Tears and Hope: the infertility awareness project," a very special slideshow created by another woman with IF that touched my heart. I hope that you will watch it and gain just a little more understanding of what it is like to be an infertile living in a fertile world.

Click here to watch Empty Arms

As National Infertility Awareness Week ends, and you've been following my posts, you may be asking yourself "What can I do for my friend who is dealing with IF?" The answer is simple: be supportive. I know that I can only begin to imagine the pain a woman must go through when she has a miscarriage. It's a pain that only another woman who has suffered the same loss can understand. That does not prevent me, however, from being supportive of that woman. In the same way, I think it is difficult for any fertile person to truly understand what an infertile is going through. That doesn't mean we wouldn't appreciate your support, though. I think often, people don't know what to say to someone suffering from IF. I have many friends who "came out of the closet" and announced their IF on Facebook this week, in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week. Most were shocked that they did not receive many comments, questions, or messages about it. The messages they did receive were from fellow women who also suffered from IF. Our conclusion is that people just aren't sure what to say in response to something like this. Oftentimes, a lot doesn't need to be said. A simple "I'm sorry for what you're going through. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help" means the world to us. As you can see from my previous post, you can sometimes unintentionally say something that is more hurtful than helpful. Just be cognizant of the fact that we are sensitive about certain things, and let us know that you are thinking of us, support us, and wish the best for us.

That's all that we can ask for...