Announcements, Baby Showers, and the 2WW

So lately I find myself getting phone calls, text messages, or announcements on facebook from someone telling me they are expecting. I am certainly excited for their new journey to parenthood but I find that I can't muster up any truly excited congratulatory voice in which to respond. It is quite frustrating when there is something you want so badly but have no control over and everyone else around you seems to be achieving just that.

I'm feeling annoyed at my body. I don't understand what is going on, what is preventing me from getting pregnant, and how to fix it. I plan on seeing my OB soon because I have a past history of cysts... who knows what role that might be playing in this unsolvable equation. I have been working really hard to stay positive and maintain hope. Some days it is just really hard.

There are a few baby showers coming up and I don't want to go them. Period. Of course, I feel terrible because I feel selfish and I want to celebrate with the mom-to-be, but there is no way I can sit there and feel joyous about the numerous cute outfits or bibs for a baby that takes the same amount to cook as it is taking us to try to get pregnant. Would I be a horrible person if I don't go? I would plan to give a gift regardless.

Here is a blurry picture of my current chart. I am only 6dpo. Fingers are crossed. Toes are crossed. Eyes are crossed and so are my butt-cheeks.... if that is possible. :-)

Happy New Year!

Well, here we are in 2011. It is hard to believe that 2010 is done already because the year just seemed to fly by. Don't you think?

We are in the midst of a 2 week wait and man this one is going to be a long one... I can just feel it. I am so hopeful that this is THE cycle. I don't want to be that hopeful because I know what it feels like to get AF instead of a pink line on the pee stick, but I just can't help but feel like it has to work out for us!

To all of you trying for a baby, the first, the second or the third, I wish you the best and may you get the baby you hope for!

The 2ww is over....

and my body is totally rubbing my face in it! It's throwing every single PMS symptom my way: headache for 2 days, cramps, hot one minute, cold the next, nausea and diarrhea. Those last two are not common for me, so I'm not sure what's going on there. It could be slight food poisoning, but my husband hasn't felt unwell at all. I had a HUGE temperature spike yesterday morning (1 whole degree C) which was really unusual. My thermometer even beeped at me funny. I tossed and turned and I was awake most of the night, so it's probably not the most accurate reading. This morning it dropped slightly (but still not below the baseline) and FF reset me to a new cycle. My husband was away last night (thankfully allowing me to toss and turn to my heart's content), and I was trying to hold out taking a pregnancy test until he was back. But, the nausea was driving me insane and I just had to know. It was negative, of course, and my flow started in earnest today.

It's disappointing since we did everything right this cycle. I guess it's on to the next one! Now if I just had an apple to relieve this craving....

The dreaded 2WW!

So, I'm halfway through the 2ww, so there's nothing really interesting to report. According to FF we timed everything perfectly, so we shall see.

One thing interesting happened this weekend was when I was chatting with a friend. She was a nurse practitioner in women's health at a major university hospital in the US. I told her what I was doing and she said to save my money on the OPKs. Since I'm temping and have an idea when I ovulate (usually CD14, but anytime from CD13 to CD17) that we should have sex every other day between CD10 through CD20. This was the advice they would give to the women that would come to their clinic. I figure we'll give this a go if this 2ww results in a negative!

what a crazy week!!

I feel like I belong in Alice in Wonderland.. "we're all a little mad here.."

I have had strange little lines pop up on IC tests since 8 dpo, but nothing I'm positive about.

FRERs and Answer Earlys do not agree with the ICs.

Fertility Friend keeps moving my O date so I'm 9dpo/10 dpo/9dpo/11dpo... **sigh**

I have officially banned myself from testing until I agree with FF that I am 13 dpo. and even then, only with an IC. If I agree with the line I MIGHT dip the FRER... MAYBE.. I might wait another day even then.

I think my mental facilities have had it with this week. I had a breakdown today and cried in my coffee. This is my 10th cycle TTC, and though I know that is short compared to what some people go through, it is almost more than I can handle.

I hope the rollercoaster is over soon......

The Waiting Game

Where did the month go!??!

AF did show up just a couple of days after I last posted, putting my cycles about 30 days long....if I stay 'regular' this month.

So where does that leave us??

Smack dab in the middle of the TWW.

And thankfully, I've been able to stay busy most of the last two weeks, so it hasn't been on my mind much.

Until yesterday...It's constantly on my mind.

Did we BD enough? Did I get my fertile days right? Was there anything else I could do?

Makes me want to scream!! :0)

2 week wait and on vacation

I am officially in the two week wait now. FF says I can test on March 4th at 18 DPO. I'm not sure I can wait that long. I was thinking of maybe testing on March 1st at 15 DPO. I started to have swollen, tender breasts yesterday and today. I'm trying not to get too excited as this has happened before and been part of my PMS leading to the visit of AF. I am not spotting yet, and for that I am very grateful - I have had 7 days of spotting before AF for the last 2 cycles. I will not miss the spotting at all!

Starting today, Mr. Pharmasaur and I are on a one week vacation. We leave for Mexico early tomorrow morning! I think fun on the beach and sightseeing will help the 2WW pass much quicker. I really hope that AF stays away at least for the week we're away. I didn't invite her along on our trip! Of course, I'd love it if AF stays away much, much longer than that!

I've got to run and get packed for the trip. I will post an update soon after I get back. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

2WW, already?!

This morning when I turned on my monitor on CD16 it didn´t ask me for a test stick, but told me my fertility level was high. I was just about to reach for another stick when I realized that I wont be needing any more of them this cycle!! I made it through my first CBEFM cycle using only one set of ten sticks!! This is very exciting news because those test sticks aren´t exactly cheap. I paid 13 pounds for a box of 20 and it´s nice to know that I have enough for another cycle. I was afraid I´d have to run out to the pharmacy here and pay 30€ for a box of 20 to use next cycle. Hopefully there wont be a next cycle, but I´m a realist and know that the chance of getting KU in any given cycle is only about 25%. I digress. Anyway, I had read online that many women use 20 test sticks their first cycle using the CBEFM, so I am very happy to be getting off a bit cheaper this time.

As for the high reading, I suppose since I just had two peak readings, it stands to reason that there is a chance I´m still fertile. I guess that means yet another night of BDing....I think Mr. Lillysaur and I are getting pretty tired after six straight days, but hey, if it brings me my BFP, then I´m ready to roll.

A Change of Name?

So I am thinking of changing my name from Relaxasaur to Worryasaur. I have no clue what is happening this cycle. First off I ovulated extremely early this cycle. I thought I had ovulated last Tuesday and I thought well if I am wrong Mr. Relaxasaur had some fun and practice for later this month. This past week I had been feeling pains and twinges near my left ovary and I thought I was one week in to my 2WW. Then this morning I woke up and there was blood on the toilet paper when I wiped. It wasn't fresh it was more brown so I am thinking my period is starting, which is weird because I didn't see or feel any signs. But, maybe I was too preoccupied with wondering if I had ovulated. If this is my period it may mean I ovulated two weeks ago because my leutal phase is 14 days it would have been around cycle day 15. This whole process is so new and frustrating. I thought I could be one of those people who can just try and see what happens with out a lot of worrying but it turns out not to so much. So now I wait to see if my period develops.

****UPDATE****

As the day went on I developed cramps and when I got home tonight I got fresh blood so it is my period. I am over being upset about it and on to looking foward to starting a fresh cycle. I am not sure what next cycle brings because I went from 63 days to 28 days. So I think on cycle day 6 I will start testing using my OPK's since I still have a crap load of them. Also, the hubby and I decided to have sex every other day as soon as lovely Aunt Flo leaves.

I think I might document my OPK journey and take a picture each day to see how the tests look when it leads up to a positive because they were so weird this cycle with always having two lines on them for the last week or so. I will post the picts after each week. Did anyone else have crazy cycles after coming off birth control? Today marks 9 months off the ring.

I've Been A Bad, Bad 'saur!

Image Source

I am SO sorry! I have been a horrible, horrible 'saur! I can't believe it's been two months since my last update... I should be sent to the Time Out Chair.

Honestly, I think the big reason is that I have nothing to update you on! I am still recovering from my operation and we can't BD until my March cycle at the earliest, but I think we're going to wait until my April cycle. I'm actually going away this summer... TO CAMP! Haha, I figured if I can't have a kid I may as well become one. I don't mind being PG while there, but I'd rather not be that far along when I have to head out there in May. Yes, I am driving from California to Minnesota! I'm crazy, I know!

However, just because we're not trying to have a baby doesn't mean we can't have a little fun and have some fun, fun fertility drama, right?

I am the blond with the green tank top in the back row. And if you can't tell I am about to poo myself. This was taken on the Tower of Terror at California Adventures the weekend before Thanksgiving. I was actually ovulating that day and I swear I was a HUGE emotional wreck, moreso then I usually am. :) So while standing in line waiting to get on this ride my mind just started messing with me and I got sooooo terrified! My sister-in-law (sitting to my right) and my husband (guy in the red shirt in the middle) made me go on. And I proceeded to practically have a heart attack. But it was fun... until I got off the ride and realized I was shaking so hard my teeth were vibrating and I had to go lie down!

And it just so happens that my mother-in-law gave DH and I a hotel room for the night as our Christmas gift. After my extremely stressed out day at C.A. he decided to relax me with a nice massage and foot rub and.... yeah. You know how that story ends, right? Well here's a twist... we had a CONDOM BREAK! Aaaaahh!!! I seriously didn't think condoms really broke, but it did. But here's the real kicker- DH didn't tell me right away.

Flash forward to about 5 days later we are chatting and he mentions this. I honestly didn't think much of it at the time because I forgot I'd been ovulating that weekend. But then CD11 came and went. That's when AF usually starts now-a-days. Then 12DPO came and went. 13DPO, 14DPO, and 15DPO did the same. At this point I was CD33 and suddenly realized "Ah!! I'm late!!!"

Of course I tested. Once a pee-on-a-stick maniac, always a POAS maniac! It was negative. I was both relieved and disappointed. I know having a baby at this point in my recovery would probably lead to a m/c, but there was that little hope in me that if I was pregnant maybe it would be OK! I wouldn't be able to go to camp, but that was the last thing I cared about at the time.

The next days (16DPO and CD34) AF finally came. I didn't bother going to the doctor because I figured this was the result of my operation messing with my cycles, so I don't really know what caused AF to delay her visit to me. It does give me hope that maybe my LPD has self-corrected, but only time will tell.

The only other thing that has changes is I finally admitted that I have infertility issues. Until now I just referred to them as "obstacles", but when I realized in October that we have been TTC for a year I finally started thinking of our "obstacles" as "infertility". When you make this realization it sort of changes the game a bit. Suddenly the books you read, the doctors you speak to, and the way you view conception changes. It's hard to explain, but it just makes things different. I'm hoping this realization will help us when we get to BD again in March/April, but, again, only time will tell.

I have been meaning to read some pregnancy books and write a review of them, but I've kind of been trying to get TTC off of my mind. Though I imagine that will be difficult when I spend all of next weekend babysitting my 2 month old nephew. Stay tuned... I'm sure I'll have some tales to share from that! And I promise to not be a bad 'saur ever again!!!

Six week wait??!?!

It looks like I will have six week wait!

Yes, six weeks.

What the mess? I'm usually a regular gal, well, I have been for about the last year.

I don't know why AF has yet to show...Well, I didn't until this weekend.

Last week, I was completely under the weather. I mean, complete and total exhaustion set in every other day. I was having tons of EWCM and crazy dreams every night since around the 30th of October. I thought for sure, I must be. I even had cramps for four weeks. Little sporadic ones, something was going on down there. I was TWO WEEKS LATE and everything.

So, I tested Saturday morning.

BIG. FAT. NEGATIVE.

I went to my parent's house that day to help get ready for an upcoming family get together, and cramps kicked in full swing.

This is so weird. So Mr. Joggersaur wouldn't let me lift anything, "just in case".

Later that day, it happened.

No, not AF, a change in my CM... FINALLY! It was finally that cloudy gunky stuff, instead of the EWCM.

The only charting I have been doing was my CM, moods, etc. And this was the first time I had a change since my last period in September. And then none Sunday or Monday, which means, I probably ovulated this weekend.

I told Mr. Joggersaur, and he was like, "So we have to wait TWO MORE WEEKS?!!?"

I went back over the last month, and tried to figure out what could have tied things up...
A flu shot just a couple of days before I was supposed to "O".
A cold I got after a race the weekend before I was supposed to "O".
I had horrible mood swings due to stress at work, causing the Mr and I to argue.
Being overly anxious about TTC.

Really, it all seems pretty petty in comparison to other things going on... but at least now I know.

Thinking of Legalosaur and her little one!!

Still waiting...

I went to take another hpt last Friday, and for some reason, I couldn't pee! I had to go so bad, and couldn't muster up a good pee for my hpt.

I went back to sleep, and debated about taking another test. But chose not to.

I don't think I could take another negative...

We went away for the weekend and I left the hpt at home and brought the tampons.

Mr. Joggersaur has been in a funky mood, causing me to be in a funky mood.

We've gone through a lot of changes in the seven months we've been married and I think it finally all hit him. Not only that, but it's been raining for weeks here.

Being away did us some good. We got to talk about things a little more, we took in some fresh air, and we released some major adrenaline by going four wheeling.

And as of today, AF is 9 days late, which is odd, since I have had a very normal cycle for the last 10-12 months. And still no symptoms.

If she doesn't show up by the weekend, I will be making an appointment with my doctor.

Until then, I will be (trying) to eat healthy and exercise... but I would really like to take a nap instead. :)

Frustrated

AF was due to arrive Oct 24th - Oct 25th. She usually fluctuates a day.

So, overly eager to test, waiting two weeks has been so stinking hard, I tested after work.

BIG. FAT. NEGATIVE.

Granted, I hadn't planned to test until Halloween, and it could be because I tested in the afternoon and I drink tons of water all day long...

But I am frustrated.

Not with the fact it was negative, I didn't expect to get a BFP the first month we tried, but with the fact AF hasn't come yet.

Nor have I had ANY regular symptoms of her arrival.

No sore breasts, no mood swings, no cravings... but I have had very low backpain (almost like a pain in the butt), TONS of EWCM, sporadic light cramps for the past week and a half, and acne, which I haven't had in ages!

I haven't had anything going on that should alter her arrival (that I know of!)... grrrr!

WHAT IS GOING ON??!?!?

I haven't done a test with the FMU yet, because Mr. Joggersaur and I are on different schedules, and I would hate to wake him up with good news to have to dart out the door, because I know him, and he'll want to enjoy the moment for awhile, and then call his parents. I am off work Friday morning, and will test again if she hasn't shown up.

Advice? Thoughts? Suggestions?

Cycle #2 - Last update this cycle?

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It has been a difficult week for me. My PMS has been pretty extreme. I've been experiencing some wild mood swings; irritability, anger and tearfulness. The physical symptoms have been frustrating - bloating, cramping, backache and swollen, tender breasts. This two week wait is seeming longer and longer each month. I was feeling really down on Wednesday so I decided to try to focus on the positive. I vowed to let go of thinking about my impending AF and to do my best to enjoy the rest of the day. I wouldn't obsess over each PMS symptom and hope it really meant that a BFP was coming my way. The evening started to get better and I started to feel more optimistic.

Then we watched a show which had pregnancy and miscarriage as major themes in the episode. That led to a bit of a meltdown for me. I went to bed feeling a bit better after getting the emotions out.

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I got a voice mail message on Thursday during my lunch hour that started the waterworks again. The Midwives Clinic was calling to see if my partner and I were coming in to the home birthing session next Wednesday. That really hurt. I had left a voice mail message for the clinic telling them about my miscarriage but I hadn't thought of cancelling that reservation. I reached out and called my Mom for support. It really does help to talk about it. I felt like fate was conspiring against my new resolve to stay positive and let go of the results of our TTC this cycle.

This Saturday was the three month mark since the miscarriage. I thought about it and tried not to dwell on the past too much. I fought jealousy as I saw other women getting BFPs on another web board. It was really time for me to let go.

I bought some place mats this weekend for my kitchen table. They have important messages for me.



Tomorrow is CD25 - the day AF is due. I will try to keep the faith, experience the joy in my life, hold onto hope, strive for patience, reach out for serenity and believe that anything is possible. Who knew a place mat could be so helpful?

Breezing through the 2WW

I cannot belive that I am already halfway through the 2WW today! Wow, how did that happen? This is how it happened:


We got a dog! I´ve spent most of my adult life and all of my childhood wanting a dog, and now I convinced Mr. Lillysaur to adopt one. I´ve been working on him for the last two years, so this was a big thing. The little guy came home with us last Friday after we signed the adoption papers at the shelter. He´s about six months old, so truly my baby. We spend lots of time going on walks (I´ve already lost some weight!!!) and playing or just hanging out together. Between the dog and the acupuncture I feel so utterly relaxed and happy that the 2WW didn´t really hit me until I decided to look at FF, which I´ve neglected the past couple of days. I suppose I´ll return to temping eventually, like maybe Wed., but I´m in no rush for now. I have my fur baby to keep me company and distract me. I think he´ll make a great family dog when the time comes, but till then I´m enjoying him.

Keeping Myself Busy

Last week, I posted a funny list of things to do during your 2WW. But now, I'm going to post what I've actually been doing during my 2WW.

• Cleaned the entire house top to bottom.
• Ate an entire pineapple.
• Bought 2 new workout dvds.
• Done one of my new workout dvds every day.
• Took long walks.
• Baked some fabulous pumpkin bread, one of my specialties.
• Made a batch of sugar cookies.
• Made and decorated my nephew's birthday cake.
• Did my best to draw a picture of a robot for my nephew's birthday.
• Wrapped birthday presents.
• Bought a few small Christmas presents.
• Searched for the best Chicken Pot Pie recipe.
• Made Mr. Joggersaur all his favorite meals.
• Taken my pre-natal vitamin almost every day.
• Tried to sleep, but I can't.
• Had a weird pain in my butt... litterally.
• Enrolled my hubby and I in new health care benefits.
• Created our office Christmas Party invites.
• Started putting together a cookie exchange for our office.
• Carved a pumpkin.
• Created a Facebook page for Mr. Joggersaur's new business.
• Caught up on all my favorite shows on hulu.
• BD because we wanted to... in the middle of the day.
• Drew house plans for our dream house... in excel.
• Tried not to analyze every little twinge in my body.
• Fixed my hair different ways.
• Spent a day on a pallet watching movies with Mr. Joggersaur.
• Painted my nails orange.
• Made goodie bags for my nephew's birthday party.

What do you do to keep yourself busy during your 2WW??

Update and Planning for a Future

If I was right, I ovulated last Tuesday and that would put me in the middle of my two week wait. For the last week I have been feeling bloated and my boobs have been tender but I try not to analyze because this is my second cycle ovulating. This is only my second time ovulating in 7 years because of B.C. I am trying not to get my hopes up. While I have been wavering with my emotions about TTC my husband has completely jumped on the baby wagon. I know that he has always wanted children but now he is on overdrive and I think part of it is because we just found out his best friend is expecting.

Source

I do want a child I know that much, but I also want to go back to graduate school. Since it is too late for this year its going to be next fall which gives me enough time to research colleges and prepare to take the GRE again (I did terrible the first time I took it). Then I started thinking about what it would be like to have a child while getting my Masters degree. I know I don't have to make any decisions right now but I am a planner and I am questioning if we should continue TTC after the new year. If we do get pregnant before then GREAT, but if not then I should ovulate one more time this year if my body continues these long cycles. I am questioning stopping TTC after the new year so I can go back to school with out worries. Its not just the going back with a child that concerns me, it is because I want to become a TA (teachers assistant) because my end goal is to become a professor and having that experience would be so beneficial for me. I know that I am rambling does anyone have any advice for me or gone through something like this before?

Hey, Hey Jealousy

I admit... I've been bit by the green eyed monster.

Jealousy.

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Last Friday, my friend S had her baby. On Sunday, we found out another couple friend of ours is expecting. And another friend is due any day now. All of which the women 'weren't trying' or 'weren't ready' or the 'timing was off' when they found out their news.

And here I am waiting to find out if we will get a BFP, or be visited by AF.

Trying not to be jealous of their little miracles... or secretly hate my friends for getting pregnant before me.

Here we are with open minds and hearts waiting for our little miracle.

We don't care if the timing is right, or how ready we are.

My head wants to believe that it will happen when the time is right, but my heart is yearning to be a mommy... to make my husband a daddy.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this!!!

2WW - Cycle #1

We have officially made it through our first cycle's ovulation period!!

While BD was exciting because of the possibility of making a baby, at times it felt like we HAD to BD. Neither of us really liked that feeling.

And now, we wait.

While I don't expect us to get a BFP on our first try... I do hope we did everything we could. We both ate healthy, got pleanty of rest, BD many times, used Pre-Seed, and I took a pre-natal vitamin.

The rest is up to powers beyond my control.

But while I wait... I found this list, and can see myself doing many of these things.

50 Things To Do In The 2WW
You have done everything trying to get pregnant. You made love regularly, enough and at the right time. But now you are facing the dreaded 2ww. The 2ww stands for "the 2 weeks wait", the time between ovulation and your menstrual period. Hopefully your menstrual period won't come and you will be rewarded with a positive pregnancy test.

But what are you going to do while you wait these 14 days before you know if you have succeeded in getting pregnant?

Here are 50 things to do in the 2ww:
Take your daily prenatal vitamins including folic acid
Write a daily journal
Update your facebook page
Don't smoke
Don't drink alcohol
Set some goals and write them down
Make a new budget
Write down babynames
Make your home green
Organize your home
Treat yourself to facials and bubble baths
Eat healthy - leafy vegetables contain a lot of folic acid
Go out and have good food - Once you are pregnant you may not geel like it
Drink pineapple juice or fresh pineapple slices - contains selenium which aids with implantation
Eat walnuts
Use loose clothes : nothing that fits too tight
Don't lift anything too heavy
Exercise - but in moderation
Take long walks
Hydrate well - Drink 1 or 2 liters of water each day
Enjoy making love - at this point it's for pure fun not baby making
If you have to, drink coffee but limit it to 2 cups a day
Go out
Try to stay busy so you do not obsess too much
Find a good obstetrician
Investigate good hospitals
Calculate the exact day when your pregnancy test should be positive
Watch one dvd a day
Send your husband a love letter each day
Clean up the refrigerator
Get rid of toxic chemicals in your house
Take a regular nap - Naps are God's gift to the impatient.
Meditate - Do Yoga
Spend more time talking to your husband
Go out with a girlfriend for some tea
Ask your husband to do the vacuuming, dishwasher, laundry, and garbage disposal
Practice peeing on a stick - with a Q tip
Investigate life insurance
Paint your rooms - During pregnancy the smells may drive you crazy
Reorganize the kitchen
Do some gardening
Repot your plants
Take the dog for long walks
Check the medicine cabinet and throw out old medications
Wash the dog
Go to a museum - each day a different one
Cut coupons
Watch for maternity clothes sales
Read a good book, or two, or three..
Reorganize your closets

Waiting....

Unfortunately, I am not a patient person. I always want to know what is going to happen and when it is going to happen. This is impossible when trying to conceive.

I am almost at the end of the 2WW. Aunt Flo is due on Tuesday. I am trying desperately not to test early. Even during my first pregnancy this May , I didn't get a positive test result until a week after I thought my period was due. I am pretty sure that testing early will only result in a BFN, or multiple BFNs. So, I'm hanging in there. I have one test in the back of the cupboard in the bathroom. It is "hiding" from me.

I'm not even sure if I ovulated this past cycle. We were on a European holiday when we were actively trying and I didn't notice my body's usual signals. Normally, I can detect some ovulation pain and a change in cervical mucus so I know for sure that I've ovulated. I didn't get any clear signals this time. Maybe because of the time difference? Maybe because I was in a different environment? Or there is the possibility that I really didn't ovulate.

We are taking a relaxed, keep it simple attitude towards TTC. No charting, no BBT recording, no CM monitoring. If, after several cycles, we do not conceive, I may want to consider charting. We are both almost 40 and we really don't have much time to lose. I worry that I may get stressed out with all of the details of charting and actually harm my chances of achieving that BFP.

After my miscarriage, I am not sure what to expect anymore. I am excited about getting pregnant again yet there is a part of me that is worried. I am trying not to listen to that part. I believe that positive thinking can influence the outcome of our TTC process.

So, here I am. Waiting. I'm really hoping for this to happen again:



Yet, I am afraid to get my hopes up, only to be disappointed. I am really trying to be patient. At this point, it is really important for me to take it one day at a time. And to hold onto positive thoughts !