I got a +HPT!!!!!

I have to catch you all up since I haven't posted in a few months.

Back in May I had a HSG test done......boy was that just about the most uncomfortable thing!!!! It's a quick procedure and after it was done I only had minor cramps & just a bit of spotting. But as that dye was shot into and moving through my tubes & uterus, I can't say exactly that it was painful just extremely uncomfortable. The doctor, an Endocrinologist, said that everything looked great, that there were no blockages in my tubes and my uterus was shaped fine. Knowing I should be happy that there's nothing wrong with me, it was and is frustrating to not have answers when I keep losing my babies.

I got the green light from my OB to start trying again when I was ready. After my D&C in March he had given me a 3 month perscription for birth control which I decided to finish out. I decided I needed to take care of me before I trying again. By working out & eating better, I ended up "The Biggest Loser" in our weight loss contest at work, losing 9lbs in 5 weeks!!!! During the rest of May, June and July I just watched what I ate and pretty much stayed on my workout regime, losing another 5lbs. Pat on my back!

July 10th is my CD1. Between CD12-15 I had spotted lightly (ovulation?). Mr. Hungrysaur and I BD on CDs 8, 10 and 15. On CD18 I had light bleeding when I wiped (implantation spotting?). My period should have started August 6th, that date had come and gone without event. So finally about a week and a half later I took a HPT and it came up positive!!!!

This next week I will go to the Dr to do a pregnancy test to make it all official so I can schedule my 1st doctor visit. I'll be 7 weeks tomorrow. I feel great!!!! I'm super tired and my tatas are sore but other than that I feel fabulous!!! I feel like I did when I carried my son so I'm crossing all my body parts that that's a good sign. The last 3 pregnancies when I miscarried it seemed like there was something wrong almost right from the beginning. Even one of my buddies told me the other day that I look healthier this time around than I did the other times. Hoping & praying.

Now that I've caught up I promise to keep in touch & give regular updates (even if things go bad.) Thanks everyone for staying with me. I know there are others like me out there who keep miscarrying when all the tests show we're "normal". Hang in there ladies. Hopefully we all get our happily ever afters soon.

Getting active while waiting......

No news from the doctor. So no news is good news? In a day or two I'll give them a call to see what's what. I'm on week two of being on the pill. When my period starts (CD1) I'm supposed to call the fertility specialist to schedule my HSG testing. It's day 29 since my D&C, I've been crampy the last couple of days but that could be from the birth control.

Yesterday I entered my work's 5-week Biggest Loser contest. I'm starting out at 168lbs. Oy! That's the heaviest I've EVER been. Since I'm doing tests, & not supposed to get preggers the next 2 cycles or so I've decided its "Let's get healthy time!" Plus its starting to get hot in Texas & sweat marks in the chub rolls just isn't cute! I'm a sweater. Not the wool, cashmere, pullover, cardigans type! I'm the drip, drip, sweat rolling down my back, totally icky sweaty ew ew type! I could be painting my nails & sweat is glistening on my brow. Hot & humid weather is not attractive on me. My goal is to lose 10lbs in the next 5-weeks and hope this will also help in my miscarriage issues. I also hope to make my workouts & healthier eating habits a lifestyle change.

One last thing......just counting myself once, even though I've been pregnant 3 times this school year, there have been 10 pregnant ladies at my work. Everyday I see new baby pics, pregnant stories, pregnant co-workers, baby room plans......its hard...it hard everyday to see how happy (or miserable) they are. I WANT WHAT THEY HAVE! I WANT ANOTHER BABY! Then I remember & feel bad that I feel this way. I have a son! A really great and amazing son! Why can't I just be satisfied with the gift I've already been given?

Introducing.......HUNGRYSAUR!!!!!

Hi y'all! So I'm really excited to be a 'Saur. I started reading 'Saur stories after my 1st miscarriage in July '10 and just really connected with some of you through them. Now, after my 3rd miscarriage I wanted to see if I could become a 'Saur to share MY story with y'all and hopefully connect with someone going through a tough time.

I've decided to write both a short and long intro. In the short I'll hit just the high points so if you want just a general idea of what happened and skip to today you're set. The long intro will go a bit more into detail and my emotions through it all.

Short Intro:

- 33 years old, Mr Hungrysaur is 39

- Been married almost 9 years

- We have one son who is almost 10

- Discovered I have PCOS when TTC for Baby #2 in Dec. '06

- Did provera/clomid for 5 cycles w/no luck from Feb-June '07

- Took a break from actively TTC, just letting things happen if they happen

- Beginning of 2009 saw an infertility specialist. Started clomid again from Jan-May '09. No luck again.

- July 7, 2010: (CD19) went to the doctor because of severe stomach pains and spotting. They ran a pregnancy test, just in case, and found out I was indeed pregnant and sent me to the ER (worried about ectopic pregnancy). I was about 2 1/2 weeks pregnant and had an UTI. They gave me meds for the UTI and told me to take it easy. 4 days later I ended up having a spontaneous miscarriage. Boo.

- I waited one cycle then TTC again

- Oct 7, 2010: Positive HPT!!!

- Oct 13, 2010: Spontaneous miscarriage (AGAIN!!!!!)

- Waited one cycle, got all clear from the doc to TTC

- Jan 27, 2011: positive pregnancy test from doctor's office

- Feb 17, 2011: 1st dr appointment (8 weeks pg). Had an ultrasound done and it showed the yolk sac and just the beginnings of the fetal pole which meant I'd be around the 6 week mark instead. Maybe my dates were off so I got rescheduled for another ultrasound for 2 weeks later.

- March 2, 2011: 2nd ultrasound showed no further development and no heartbeat.

- March 14, 2011: D&C to remove missed miscarriage

- March 28, 2011: Follow up appointment. Now that I have miscarried 3 times in a row they will run some tests now to try to figure out why I am miscarrying. They took blood to run some general tests, diabetes, thyroid and others. If those all come back normal then on to Phase 2, the HSG test. Then if that comes back normal then Phase 3 which is a chromosome test for Mr. Hungrysaur and myself.

Long Intro:

We had no problems getting pregnant with our son. I was 22, in great shape, and at that time we weren't trying to get pregnant. My periods had always been irregular so it wasn't uncommon for me to go months at a time without a period. Even though it had been 4 months since my last cycle, it never even dawned on me that I might be pregnant. Mr. Hungrysaur suggested I take a pregnancy test "just in case" before we went out for my birthday in Jan 01 and what do you know......I was pregnant.

Now, trying to figure out how far along I was, was interesting. At first we went by my LPM, which put my due date in early June '01. Then I had an internal exam which bumped my date to early July. But, after my 1st ultrasound my "final" due date estimation ended up being Aug. 8, 2001. I had a GREAT pregnancy! I never once got sick, never had heartburn, and ate whatever I wanted. I was going to school and working, the only real pregnancy symptom I had was fatigue but other than that, I LOVED BEING PREGNANT!!!! Everything was going great until June 21st (I was 33 weeks pregnant) when I started going into labor. At the hospital I was 2-3cm dilated but near 100% effaced. They tried stopping my labor but to no avail, BabyBoy was determined to come that day. BabyBoy was born June 21, 2001 at 10:47pm. With a little bit of jaundice, reflux, and eating apneas, he had a 4 week stay in the NICU and after that we really haven't any health problems with him (knock on wood.)

When BabyBoy turned 4 when we began our current TTC journey. During that year I only had 4 periods so obviously there was something wrong WITH ME. After visiting the doctor, having bloodwork done, and Mr. Hungrysaur had his swimmers tested we discovered I had PCOS. SO I AM THE PROBLEM AFTER ALL!!!! The OB prescribed Provera to jump start my cycle and Clomid to help me ovulate. I started at 50mg on the Clomid, didn't ovulate, then went to 100mg where I did ovulate. YAY!!! However after 3 rounds at 100mg, we still didn't get pregnant. The Mr. and I decided to take a break from "enhancing" our chances at getting pregnant, to just let nature take its course.

A few years later we decided to see an infertility specialist and started up on the Clomid again. They started me out at 100mg since that's where I had ovulation success the last time we tried. When I didn't get pregnant on the 1st round of 100mg they prescribed me to 150mg. I had some good follicles but I never managed to get pregnant during the 5 rounds of Clomid this time either.

Our marriage hit a rough spot and Mr. Hungrysaur and I had some things to work through before trying for Baby #2 again. We were able to work things out and keep our marriage together!!!! Instead of putting a whole bunch of stress on ourselves we decided to "not try" to get pregnant and just enjoy ourselves and each other. If we were meant to have another baby then God will make it happen like he did with Baby #1.

Beginning of July '10 I started spotting the day after Mr. Hungrysaur and I BD. Normally when this happens it means that my period is coming within a day or two, which isn't big deal except that I was only on CD13 at this point. Hmmm???? A few days later I started getting really bad stomach cramps and the spotting turned really bright red but faded throughout the day. By July 7th the stomach cramps had gotten so bad I just couldn't take it anymore. I made a same day appointment at the clinic. After being checked out by a doctor it looked like I could've had appendicitis, an UTI, or if I was pregnant an ectopic pregnancy. Counting my days there was really NO WAY I could've been pregnant! We had only BD once since the end of my period and that was on CD13, and I had NEVER ovulated that early.....EVER. Plus, all the times we had been trying to get pregnant and all the dancing we did around ovulation and NEVER getting pregnant even on meds......my odds were minute that I was pregnant. But the doctor insisted on doing a pregnancy test just in case before ordering a CT scan to look at my appendix. Wouldn't you know that sucker came back positive!?! So on to the ER we went since I was bleeding and cramping in the early days of my pregnancy. At the ER they did a blood pregnancy test that came back positive and found out I was only 2 1/2 weeks pregnant. They did an ultrasound to make sure I wasn't ectopic but since it was so early in my pregnancy we didn't see anything. I got sent home with meds for an UTI and orders to take it easy for the next few days. Two days later I went to a follow up appointment and my numbers had more than doubled since the 7th making the pregnancy viable and the stomach pains were nearly gone. Two days later from the follow up appointment (CD23) I had a ton of bleeding, period like cramps and passing clots/tissue. I didn't go back to the ER but I knew I lost my baby. I just didn't feel pregnant anymore. However, I did call a high school buddy who is a PA and I explained how I had just been in the ER and really didn't want to go back especially when I was pretty sure I knew what was going on. I was bleeding a lot but I wasn't bleeding a pad or more an hour, so I just toughed it out and made an appointment with an OB which wasn't for another week. I stopped bleeding all together about 4 days later. At my appointment they took blood to check my numbers and they had indeed dropped, confirming a spontaneous miscarriage. The OB wanted me to wait 3 cycles before trying again I waited one. There was no way I was going on the pill to prevent something I wanted to happen especially since it took me 5 years to get pregnant. Mr. Hungrysaur and I started "not trying" again and in October I took a HPT and got a BFP!!!! Yay!!! Three days later the hubby and I celebrated our good news and during our BD I started bleeding. ARG!!! We went to the ER, by the time I got checked out I had stopped bleeding and everything was fine. Mr. Hungrysaur and I got instructions to abstain from sex until the 2nd trimester and I was to just take it easy. Three days later I'm back in the ER, bleeding, cramping, and passing tissue once again. They did an ultrasound and couldn't see anything, did a HCG test and my numbers were low indicating another spontaneous miscarriage. I was devastated, hollowed out. Is it worse not being able to get pregnant month after month, year after year? Or to finally get your BFP only to lose your baby almost as soon as you find out you're carrying? I changed OB doctors, got the all clear to try again after I got my 1st cycle after the miscarriage. I didn't want to. I wasn't ready yet. As much as I wanted another child I didn't know if I could handle another loss.

The holidays came and went, my birthday (Jan 13th) rolled around and I had a feeling that I may be pregnant. I waited another couple weeks before I did an HPT.......positive. We were excited but unfortunately both Mr. Hungrysaur and I were wondering how long this pregnancy would last. We were not optimistic. I went to the doctor's office and they ran a pregnancy test which also came back positive. Then I was given an appointment for 2 weeks later which at that time I would be 8 weeks pregnant. This pregnancy was very different than my last two where I had miscarried. I actually FELT pregnant. I was nauseated, I was exhausted, my boobs were sore and huge and to top it all off my belly was pooching out!!! YES!!! I was getting more and more optimistic everyday!!!

At my 1st appointment the NP did my ultrasound first thing because she knew how anxious I'd be in finally being able to see something in an ultrasound. I got to see my yolk sac and the beginnings of my fetal pole but no heart beat. Unfortunately that meant I either wasn't as far along as I thought or my baby wasn't developing as it should. Two weeks later I was back in for my followup ultrasound to see if there was any change. There wasn't. No growth, no heart beat. I lost this baby too but this time it was a missed miscarriage. My OB figured I would miscarry naturally since I've already done so twice but my body never figured it out. It still thought the baby was doing fine, I still had all the symptoms. Spring Break was coming in a couple of weeks so we figured if I didn't miscarry by then I would have a D&C done. The Friday before Spring Break I started spotting but nothing more than that happened so on March 14th I had the D&C.

Since this is my 3rd miscarriage in a row, I am now labeled having recurrent miscarriages and can have tests done to hopefully find out why. I've already had blood work done and if all that comes back normal then I'll have a HSG test done. Then after that funness is chromosome testing for Mr. Hungrysaur and myself.

My intro is finally done. Sorry it was so long but thanks for sticking through it. I hope you'll continue to follow my story and I promise future posts will not be as long. ;)

Goodbye

Sadly, this will be my last post on Pregosaur. I had an ultrasound yesterday and there is no heartbeat. I had a beta HCG level drawn and it is declining. I repeated the ultrasound today at another lab for a second opinion. Unfortunately, the results are the same. It looks like our baby stopped growing at about 6w5d. This is the way my first pregnancy ended last July. Mr. Pharmasaur and I are devastated again.

We do not know if we will TTC again or not. We cannot contemplate that decision right now. First, we need to get through the physical and emotional healing from this impending miscarriage.

Thank you all for bearing witness to my TTC and short pregnancy journey here on Pregosaur. Good luck with your TTC endeavours, your pregnancies and/or your adventures with your little ones. I wish you all the best.

Pharmasaur

I Had A Miscarriage

DH and I are not currently actively trying to conceive because of my surgery. But since we were kind of told that if we were to get pregnant, it would probably be OK we stopped using condoms (latex allergy... I wasn't having fun with those!). But we were still trying to TTA through keeping an eye on my ovulation signs and going off of my regular cycle. In my regular cycle I ovulate on CD16.

Only this month I ovulated on CD14. Whoops! I still didn't think much of it because we are being very careful and DH is... uh... in control of himself. :) But when AF didn't come on schedule I started wondering that I *might* be pregnant!

As the days went by and AF still didn't come, but my boobs swelled up to over a cup size larger and I started getting dizzy all the time I thought for sure I was pregnant! I even took two pregnancy tests, but of which had the world's lightest line EVER on them!



I just happened to have a doctor's appointment scheduled for Friday so I decided to ask for a blood test to be done while there. But about an hour before going in I started having really bad cramps. I figured that was AF coming late, but I asked for the test anyway. My doctor came back and carefully told me that the test was positive, but I should go see my gyno. Because I was worried about the late period and weird symptoms so close to my operation I had already scheduled an appointment with her, and she squeezed me in Saturday morning at 8:15. About half an hour after I got home I started bleeding really heavily.

The next morning I went in and had a test done and my gyno informed me that my Beta was 7.9. 7.9 on CD17 means an early miscarriage. If I were still pregnant the numbers should have been in the hundreds. My bleeding had continued through the night and into the day so I pretty much already knew all of this.

I don't really feel too sad about this, though. It happened so early I never really had a chance to think about myself as being pregnant so I don't really feel that I lost anything. Plus it was so early that if I hadn't thought to take the HPTs I probably would have just thought this was a late, heavy, painful period. So... yeah!

My doctor doesn't seem to think the miscarriage has anything to do with the surgery. She said it probably would have happened even without the surgery, so I shouldn't beat myself up, which is something I had been doing. But I've decided we are going to be even more careful from now on REALLY TTA until the recommended recovery period is over! So in March I will be good to go again... unfortunately DH and I will not be together for my March cycle, so April it is!!!

Holiday Blues

For many years, the holidays have been a difficult time for me. I have bittersweet memories from when I was a kid. I associate the holidays with family and this time of year reminds me of my parents' separation and eventual divorce. Feelings of sadness and loss often come up for me at this time of the year.

This year I am grieving a different kind of loss. I can't help but thinking of the baby that we lost in July. If the pregnancy had progressed, I would have been 32 weeks pregnant on Christmas Day. In the month that I knew that I was pregnant, I did dare think ahead to Christmas. I wondered what it would be like to celebrate the holidays while carrying our newest family member. Lately, I have been feeling the loss quite acutely. It is really hard for me to let go of those hopes and dreams.

So I need to focus on today instead. It is CD26. I thought I ovulated around CD 9 or 10 this month. I got a little bit hopeful and did a couple of tests over the past week. They are BFN. So I don't think we conceived this cycle. I know it isn't over until AF shows but I don't feel pregnant. I am glad that we bought the ClearBlue Fertilty monitor. As soon as AF shows, I intend to pore over the instruction booklet. Then I need to move forward into a new cycle of TTC.

Soon, it will be a new year and I am glad. This past year has been very difficult - a rollercoaster of high and lows. I can't say I'm sorry to leave this year behind.

All the best to you and your families this holiday season. I wish you all much health, happiness and joy in the coming year.

Grief

Grief is really an odd thing, because just when you think you´re past it, it comes back to haunt you. I´ve been rocking along so well since we got the dog. I have not felt the need to cry for weeks now, but today is different. Today the tears just keep coming and coming and coming. A year ago today I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified, excited, nervous and everything else when I saw the faint, faint pink line show up on my el cheapo test. I peed on two more el cheapo tests before running to the drugstore to pick up "a good one" and try it out. They all came back positive. I plotted how to tell my DH who was out of town. I went to the bookstore and found a pregnancy book especially for daddys and got it for him. When he came home on the sixth of December I put it in his shoe for Nikolaus. We hugged and cried, hoping and praying that this would be our sticky baby. Alas, this was not to be.

And so here I sit a whole year later. No new pregnancy, no new baby to hold, but a heart suddenly heavy again with grief. Mourning what could have been. I was sure our baby would be a girl. "Her" due date was August 15th. I planned and plotted in my head that maybe she would come early and be born on my birthday, or maybe a bit later and be born on Mr. Lillysaur´s birthday. I prayed that she would not be born on my mother-in-law´s birthday.....Our joy was short-lived. A week before Christmas I started to bleed. The doctor gave me progesterone to try and help it, if possible. But Christmas Eve the inevitable happened and we lost our baby.

This Christmas season is full of those memories and of our empty nest. I know Ralphie would love to have a little Lillysaur to herd and watch out for, but for now he will have to put up with just me.

Cycle #4 - Already!

AF surprised me by showing up this past Tuesday! That means that cycle #3 was only 21 days long. I found this to be depressing and frustrating. My last 3 cycles (since the miscarriage) have been 27, 32 and 21 days long. Not very regular, I'm afraid. Mr. Pharmasaur and I took a little trip on Tuesday night which helped me to feel a bit better.

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This ice cream store is pretty new in my area so it was quite a novelty to go there. I had a great big Rocky Road cone which was one of the best things I have ever tasted!

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I was feeling pretty low and wondering how we would ever conceive with wacky cycles like this. Mr. Pharmasaur was great and told me that he is sure we will conceive when the time is right. He seems pretty convinced of this despite my doubts.

Tuesday also marked the 4 month mark since my miscarriage. Mr. Pharmasaur has been an absolute God-send throughout my grieving process. No one has ever held me and encouraged me to cry before. He just listens and is there for me. I have really needed that support lately and I'm so grateful. Actually, I'm not sure how I would cope with all of these emotions if I was pregnant again. I think I've needed these past few months to deal with my feelings.

I mentioned in a previous post about trying meditation. I haven't really started it yet. I keep putting it off until later. I have been thinking about "The Plan" for cycle #4. My motto is "Keep It Simple and Relax." I will not be using OPKs this cycle. I am going to try to tune into how my body feels and we are going to have sex when we want to. I don't want to keep pressuring myself to conceive. I want it to happen when (and if) it is meant to be. Therefore, there is no plan for this cycle.

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Cycle #3 - Update 2

Today is CD17 and I have not yet detected an LH surge. If my cycle is long, like the last one, then it is entirely possible that it is still coming. I'm not feeling like I'm ovulating or about to ovulate though. I used to be able to tell from ovulation cramping and cervical mucus. Now, I have no idea. Perhaps my body is still adjusting after my miscarriage in July. I am committed to using the OPKs until at least CD20. Hopefully by then, my body will give me some clues about what is happening.

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I just got back from my new family doctor's office. I had my yearly physical and I was surprised at my reaction today. When I saw the examining table and paper gown, I wanted to burst into tears. Then I realized the last time I was on an examining table, in a paper gown, I was going through my miscarriage and follow up appointment. I guess these emotional flashbacks will continue for some time.

However, today was different. I liked this new doctor and I felt comfortable with her. I felt that she really listened to me and took time to explain what she was doing. This support is a big contrast to how I felt with my previous cold, impersonal family doctor. I am really glad that I made the switch.

I expressed concern about my irregular cycles. She did some testing for thyroid hormones, FSH, LH and Prolactin. She also did the pap test and tests for chlamydia and gonorrhea. When I expressed my concerns about pelvic inflammatory disease (due to my previous use of an IUD), she assured me that I would have symptoms with that infection. That eased my mind a bit. She also encouraged me to continue with my regular dental appointments and eye examinations, which I am going to follow-up with soon. I feel like she really cares about my health.

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My new family doctor is going to gather all the test results and then refer me to a gynecologist. The gynecologist can further investigate to determine if there are any medical reasons for my irregular cycles. In addition, she can also look for any possible barriers to conception.

All of these tests and doctors visits leads me to gratitude that my health care is covered (for the most part) here in Ontario. I hope that this path leads to our goal of a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.

Cycle #3 - Update 1

Firstly, my apologies for not blogging for so long. I have been struggling with negativity and frustration over my TTC process. I didn't feel that I had much to contribute to this blog.

Cycle #2 (since my miscarriage) was a difficult one for me. It was 32 days long as opposed to 27 days for Cycle #1. I had about 5 days of spotting at the end of the cycle before AF finally decided to arrive. Then I had a few days of heavy to moderate flow and AF was gone. A few days later, I had more spotting for a couple of days. Even today, CD13, I had a bit of spotting. I am pretty confused by all of the strange things happening with my body right now.

I have started using the OPKs I got off the Internet. I have the strips for home use and the midstream tests for use at work. I am testing at 2 p.m. and 8 p.m. daily. I started testing on CD10 as recommended by the instructions for the tests. So far, I have only had very faint LH lines. I am waiting to see if I can detect a surge this cycle. I am not even sure if I am ovulating.

I am still dealing with my grief over my miscarriage. I gave my seat on the subway to a pregnant woman the other day. I had to fight back tears while I was standing there - wishing it was me who was pregnant. It was amazing how many people sitting closer to her did not offer their seat.

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I am reading a few books about recovery after miscarriage which I find helpful. They remind me that I am not alone with these painful feelings. After the tears flow, I usually experience some healing. I am trying my best to focus on the future while still honoring the past without dwelling on it.

During my last two cycles, I was very hopeful that I would conceive again. This cycle I feel differently. I am trying not to get my hopes up. I don't want to be disappointed again. I know we haven't been trying for very long - since May 2009. The fact that we conceived on our first try is probably contributing to my impatience now. Part of me wonders if that was our only chance. Mr. Pharmasaur turned 40 this weekend and in 2 weeks, I will also be 40. I can't shake the feeling that time is running out.

I have a book about meditation during conception to birth and beyond. I think this will help me to relax and improve my chances of conception. It is definitely worth a try!

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I will continue using the OPKs in hopes of detecting an LH surge. Mr. Pharmasaur and I are still doing the "baby-dance" regularly in case the tests are incorrect or miss my surge. The result of our efforts is now up to a power beyond ourselves.

Two years ago today.....

Two years ago today I had my first miscarriage. I was devastated. I thought it wouldn´t or couldn´t happen to me. I had only known I was pregnant for about five days, but I had already carefully planned out how and when to tell my family. I was ecstatic. And then the bleeding started. I was in disbelief, in shock when I wiped and saw the blood. I told myself that some women spot and that it would be ok. Then the cramping came. The cramps that left me doubled up on the bathroom floor and later in bed. I couldn´t bring myself to wake Mr. Lillysaur up and tell him, so I lay beside him and cried silently. In the morning he got up and went to the bathroom where he saw the blood in the toilet. He came back to bed and asked me what this meant. I cried. He began to cry, the realization of it coming to him. I spent all day at home crying and researching this on the internet. The gyno didn´t want to see me until five in the evening. We went together and heard the words I knew were coming, yet didn´t want to hear. "I´m sorry, but it´s over. Your body has dealt with it quickly and efficiently. You shouldn´t bleed much more." She told us to wait three months and try again. This kind of thing happens all the time, but rarely twice. It´s the bodies way of practicing for the big act, she said.

Funny, at the time it seemed sort of comforting. Like hey, you´ve got this behind you and now the baby-making can begin in ernest. Little did I know just how it would all turn out. Now two years later I´m at home all by myself, with a horrible head cold, Mr. Lillysaur will not be home until tomorrow, and my fur baby is off with the dog trainer because I felt too sick to get out of bed this morning. Two years ago I would never have dreamed that I´d be here writing and remembering my little one without the comfort of holding a new little one in my arms.

D-Day

Today was my original due date.

It's a strange feeling, in a way - to be pregnant but not that pregnant. To not have to wonder when I'd go into labor (now? how about now?) or when our baby would come (today? tomorrow? last week?). To not have a nursery finished, not have felt any kicks, not have picked a name, not have planned and prepared to the best of my ability for our baby's imminent arrival. It is a surreal feeling to know that I could have already given birth to and held that first baby lovingly in my arms.

None of this makes me any less grateful for the startling, stunning, terrifyingly wonderful miracle that we have now, with our two beautiful children on the way. But I still feel a sadness when I think about my first pregnancy, and I will never, ever forget what that baby meant in our lives - you are always and forever in my heart, my little one. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is October 15th - it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I am going to light a candle tonight at 7 p.m. to remember all of the babies that have been lost. Rest in peace, little angels.

No more testing for this cycle

Aunt Flow returned yesterday. Unfortunately, for the last 10 days or so, her friend PMS was visiting.

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This is my second period since my miscarriage. And the PMS has been the longest and most uncomfortable that I have ever experienced. The physical and emotional symptoms have been more severe. I am wondering if this will settle down eventually to what my PMS used to be like. I hope so.

So, obviously I don't need to do any more testing this cycle. I have 2 HPTs hiding in my bathroom cupboard for future use.

This is now the beginning of cycle #2 of trying since the miscarriage. I didn't really think we would be successful this time. We did get a BFP the first cycle we tried in May 2009. The chances of that happening again were so very slim but I still had a little bit of hope when AF was a few days late. We were travelling during this cycle and then I ended up with a nasty cold at the end of it. Better luck this time, I hope!

I realized today that 4 months have passed since we decided to TTC. I can't believe it. The time has flown by and so much has happened. But since Mr. Pharmasaur and I both turn 40 in November, I thought we should try something to speed up our conception process. So, we bought some helpers today.

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I have never used OPKs before so I got the ones that looked the easiest to use. They are a bit pricey, but hey, if they work, then it will be worth it. So, in about a week or so, I'll be looking for smiley faces to tell me when my LH surge is. And then, let the fun begin!

My miscarriage

Two months ago today, I had a miscarriage. A "missed miscarriage" actually. Our baby stopped growing at five weeks and I miscarried at ten weeks. I never realized before how devastating this experience was to a woman, to her partner and to their relationship.

At our nine week ultrasound, Mr. Pharmasaur and I were looking forward to seeing our baby for the first time. Instead, I was alone in a small, cramped examining room with an ultrasound tech who wouldn't say anything. Just that she needed to schedule another ultrasound in two weeks. I told Mr. Pharmasaur on the way to the car what had happened. How could we possibly wait two weeks to find out?

We went back to the clinic and asked to see my family doctor. After a short wait, she told us that the ultrasound technician hadn't seen a heartbeat and it was just a waiting game now. She gave me a requisition for a HCG test which we got done right away. What a horrible weekend that was. The waiting was agonizing. Not knowing if I was carrying a live fetus or not was so heartbreaking and stressful. I think we started our grieving that weekend.

The next week of waiting was no easier for us. I saw my family doctor again, plus had a Midwifery information session and two appointments with the Ob-Gyn. I had two more HCG levels done. On the Wednesday, I knew that the levels were falling and that this pregnancy would not continue for much longer. At that point I was waiting to miscarry.

In the space of one week, I had a total of five ultrasounds. Three were abdominal and two were vaginal. I felt so violated and devastated.

The only place where I received some support was at the Midwifery Clinic. Even though it was the first time I had seen them, they gave me their on call numbers. They told me to call anytime if I had any questions or concerns. They encouraged me to call if I was miscarrying and needed to talk with someone.

I started to miscarry on the Thursday night and it was completed in the Ob-Gyn's office the next morning. Our baby was gone. I was in shock. I still remember driving to the Indigo bookstore afterward, looking for some information or comfort in books about miscarriage. I was numb with disbelief.

Mr. Pharmasaur and I handled the grief differently. He wanted to get busy and not think about it too much. I wanted to commemorate our baby's short life, grieve and cry. We did hold a memorial service, just the two of us, about a week after the miscarriage. I think Mr. Pharmasaur was reluctant to do this at first. I hope it helped with his healing process as I know it helped me with mine.

We were just on a European vacation for two weeks and I brought along some books to read. In one of the books, a character has an ultrasound and sees an image of her baby on the screen. This triggered tears and grief for me again. It also triggers anger - why did this happen to us? We thought we were so lucky to be able to conceive so quickly. Then it turned out we were not lucky at all.

Goodbye again, our sweet angel. You will not be forgotten.

Due date

Today is my due date. My due date for our first pregnancy that ended with a miscarriage in March this year.

I've thought about our first baby so much over the past few months. It's so hard not to count how far along I would have been, to imagine my belly full and ready to pop, to remember the love and the innoncence I had in that pregnancy. It's hard to not remember the significance of today...

Today. Today is hard. I actually started writing this blog post soon after I woke up this morning, before speaking to anyone. And I felt okay, actually. Yes, today is our due date, but that pregnancy was not meant to be. That baby was not meant to be held in my arms, to be kissed, to smile and laugh...

But then Mr. Legalosaur called me from work, to ask me how I'm doing. And the tears started flowing. I could hear the pain and sadness in his voice, and that made the tears come faster and harder. And they haven't yet stopped. I actually had to phone my mum and ask her not to come to visit today (she comes every weekday, with food for me and to walk the dogs while I'm on bed rest) because I just want to be alone. Alone with Mr. Legalosaur - who is coming home - and my thoughts.

Image credits.

No new pregnancy will ever replace one that is lost. Babies are not like toys or power tools, they are not replaceable. Each baby is unique. Each baby leaves a stamp on your heart.

I will always treasure the memories I have of our first pregnancy. No pregnancy will ever be the same after the loss that we experienced. Everything in my life will be a different colour because of that experience. I gained an exclusive membership to a club of women that I never knew existed, that I never wanted to be a part of. Life has a funny way of giving you things you don't want, I guess...

To the little one we lost in March, I want you to know you are loved by your Mummy and Daddy very much. We have never forgotten you, we never will. Each year, on the 21st day of September, we will think of you and how old you should have been that year. Our hearts will ache as we think of the first tooth you should have cut, but didn't. The first steps you should have taken, but didn't. The first day of school you should have attended, but didn't. So many firsts, that you will never experience. I wish it could have turned out differently.

People tell us, "It wasn't meant to be". These words used to hurt, a lot. It doesn't hurt as much now, because I've come to acceptance and I know it wasn't meant to be. But that knowledge doesn't stop the love that a mother feels for her child. And it certainly doesn't stop the tears from coming today, on the day you should have been born.

I love you, little one.

Introducing Pharmasaur!

I am happy to be joining the Pregosaur blog. I am the new 'saur on the block - Pharmasaur.

Mr. Pharmasaur and I live in Canada, in a suburb of the city of Toronto, Ontario. We are fast approaching 40 years old this November and we have just recently started our TTC journey.

I married Mr. Pharmasaur in September of 2006. We are what you could call "late-bloomers." We were both almost 37 when we tied the knot. For a while, we were not sure if we wanted kids. Then last summer, we had a serious TTC discussion. Since we had recently moved into our first house together, we decided that the time was not yet right for us to TTC. We wanted to get settled in first.

Shortly after we got married, I had an IUD inserted. That was our method of contraception for the next 30 months. At the removal appointment, the Ob-Gyn said that we could try to conceive at anytime. This was in May 2009 and Mr. Pharmasaur and I were again discussing the possibility of trying to have a baby. Two days after the IUD removal I finally realized that I really DID want to TTC. I wasn't sure if Mr. Pharmasaur was on the same page so I was feeling a little nervous about telling him my thoughts. When he arrived home from work that day, he told me he wanted to TTC before I even brought up the topic. The right time had finally arrived!

We were concerned about the fact that we are both 39 and how that would impact our ability to conceive. I started on prenatal vitamins right away. The IUD was removed on the first day of my period so we started trying that cycle. I went to see my family doctor and she did some blood tests. I had asked her how long we should try to conceive before asking for help and she said not to wait. She put in a referral for a fertility specialist.

We kept our TTC experience very simple. We did the "baby-dance" every other day for about a week in the middle of my cycle. I also remained lying down with my hips elevated for about 20 minutes after sex. I'm not convinced that really helps but it made sense to us. I did not take my BBT. I paid attention to my cervical mucous but didn't formally chart.

Imagine our surprise, joy and shock when we got a BFP on June 15! I went back to my family doctor and had it confirmed. I really was pregnant! I was pretty nervous, amazed and overjoyed. I religiously took my prenatal vitamins, improved my diet dramatically and tried to avoid any potentially toxic foods, chemicals and skin care products. The fertility specialist called and I happily cancelled it. My doctor referred me to an Ob-Gyn in case I was unable to find a spot at a Midwifery clinic. I did finally get an appointment for an information session with a Midwife. But things were about to change for us.

On July17, Mr. Pharmasaur and I went to our first ultrasound. I should have been 9 weeks along at that point. Unfortunately, a heartbeat was not detected and another ultrasound was scheduled for 2 weeks later. The doctor explained I could have ovulated later than I thought or it could be a missed miscarriage or a blighted ovum.

A week later, on July 24, I did miscarry. The baby had stopped developing at 5 weeks and I miscarried at 10 weeks. Mr. Pharmasaur and I were devastated and in shock. It was a roller coaster of emotions for several weeks. I went through grief, anger, shock, disbelief, guilt, fear - a full gamut of emotions.

We are now ready to try again. I got my period back 6 weeks after the miscarriage. We have just returned from a European vacation and we started to TTC again on our trip. I am glad to be here to share the next phase of our journey with you.

Like a fat kid in front of a donut...

Today, I am excited. Yup, I'm like a fat kid in front of a donut, just waiting for the green light to eat it.

Image source.

Okay, okay, so maybe my analogy doesn't really work all that well, but it's all that's popping into my head at the moment.

You see, today is my much awaited for OBGYN appointment. I'm still bleeding, and I'm totally anxious for some answers. In fact, I've bled pretty much every day of this 4th month of pregnancy... and some women enjoy not getting their period while pregnant... BAH!

I had stress dreams all night about this OBGYN appointment. I don't know if I'm going to get any answers (like, can they confirm that I do indeed have placenta previa), or if I'm going to be sorely disappointed and not get any comfort. Will I stay on bed rest, or will it be back to work for me? Will she be nice, or will she be pretty much like every other medical professional I've seen (with the exception of my family doctor) who will utter the dreaded words... "miscarriage"?

I'm 17 weeks pregnant on Saturday people. The most pregnant I have ever been. I love this baby. Mr. Legalosaur loves this baby. If I have to hear the word "miscarriage" one more time flippantly flying out of a doctor's mouth without a second thought, I will SCREAM.

I don't know how today's appointment will go, but I will find out in two hours. And I think I'll procure my-bed-rested-self a donut afterward, somehow, because I've never met a donut that I didn't really enjoy. Donuts make everything better.

The rollercoaster that is my life

Well, it's been 10 days since the very happy and celebratory post where I finally let my guard down and allowed myself to say "We're having a baby".

And so the gods decided to smack me back on my ass and make me pay for those 4 little words. After three blissful days of finally enjoying this pregnancy and believing that everything is going to be okay, I awoke to pink spotting and major cramps on Sunday morning.

I read my trusty Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, which said any spotting that continued for 24h or more in the 13th week is cause for concern. In fact, any duration of spotting accompanied by cramps was cause for concern. And so I was concerned.

My doctor was able to squeeze me in on Monday afternoon, just so we could hear the heartbeat and put myself at ease. However, it didn't work out that way. She pulled out the Doppler and searched and searched for the heartbeat, but was unsuccessful. Being that I had heard it at her office not even a week earlier, I was really expecting to hear it.

I walked out of the office numb, to be honest. I had flashbacks to our miscarriage all over again, but rather than let myself freak out I just went numb. The silver lining is that the doctor's office was able to phone and pull some strings (or perhaps it was just pure luck on the timing of the call), and get me an ultrasound for the next afternoon, on the Tuesday. Being that ultrasounds are extremely difficult to get where I live, I was so thankful that I didn't have to wait that long to know what was going on.

The 24 hour wait for my ultrasound was difficult. I really only cried once, when I spoke to Mr. Legalosaur on the phone to explain what was going on. I don't think he appreciates how I feel when I explain to him how I feel like a failure when I contemplate the fact that we might be facing a miscarriage again, but he is wonderful and supportive. And I need him for this, and couldn't ask for more.

I showed up at the ultrasound place with a knot in my stomach. Mr. Legalosaur was there to be my chauffeur and hold my hand. When my name was called, I was whisked away to the back, while he had to wait out in the front. I was told to change into a gown and then wait in a second waiting room. Finally the tech came and got me, and we went into the ultrasound suite.

After explaining my history, especially emphasizing the miscarriage, she took a quick peek and immediately told me that there was a healthy heartbeat. I was so relieved. I wanted to rush out and tell Mr. Legalosaur that everything was okay, because I didn't want him sitting out there worrying for any longer than necessary. But the tech took her sweet time getting all the measurements. She said that the baby was extremely active so it was making it hard for her to get all the measurements she needed.

Finally, after a grand total of about 30 minutes after being taken to the back, the tech went and got Mr. Legalosaur from the waiting area. I knew from how long he had been waiting out there, that he would think the worst because he had to wait similarly long for the ultrasound confirming out miscarriage. When he came in, I could see the worry on his face. I told him immediately that the baby was okay.

The tech gave us a peek of our babe, and here he/she is:



It's amazing what our baby was doing. The babe was kicking, jerking like it had the hiccups, moving its arms around, and even sucking a thumb at one point. The ultrasound report said the baby is actually measuring ahead by about 4 days, looking to be at 14 weeks at that point.

What a sigh of relief. Because my placenta is anterior, it's actually very easy for the baby to hide from the Doppler, which is why we were not able to find the heartbeat at the doctor's office. Although the doctor couldn't find a source of the bleeding, it's still a relief to know that it was "normal" pregnancy bleeding, and there's nothing to worry about.

My spotting continued for about 4 days, at which point it began to decrease and then disappear altogether. Let's hope that it stays away, but I don't like seeing the blood, not at all!!

In other news, I'm 14 weeks, 2 days today (although, the babe is growing a bit bigger than that) and I'm showing. My bump is obvious now to strangers and friends alike. I'm loving sporting the bump, although I'm not loving all the stretching pain that is accompanied with this growth. Or the wicked heartburn that has been rearing its ugly head today. UGH. But, I figure since I'm petite, there's nowhere for the baby to go but out, so that's why I'm sporting the bump so soon.

And after this marathon of a post, I'm ready to sign off. And take a nap. Because I can!

We're having a baby.

I went to the doctor's office yesterday. I was 12 weeks and 5 days. And... it looks like we're having ... A BABY!!!

She was able to find the heartbeat with the Doppler pretty much right away. Our lil bean was pretty active in there, and was moving out of the way as soon as we found the heartbeat.

I cried tears of relief after leaving the office. I was, in fact, a blubbering idiot even when I phoned Mr. Legalosaur to tell him the good news. He thought something had gone wrong I was crying so hard.

When I saw him later in the day, I played him a sound recording I took of our baby's heartbeat. He grinned so wide, I thought he might break his face.

Ladies, for those of you who have gone (or are going) through a miscarriage, the emotional and physical aftermath is not easy. The subsequent TTC journey is not easy. The subsequent pregnancy is not easy. None of it is easy, because you cannot help but worry and wonder if it's going to happen to you again. But, chances are, a successful pregnancy will happen for you. There is hope. And really, after such a devastating loss, all you can hang on to is that hope.