Cycle #3 - Update 1

Firstly, my apologies for not blogging for so long. I have been struggling with negativity and frustration over my TTC process. I didn't feel that I had much to contribute to this blog.

Cycle #2 (since my miscarriage) was a difficult one for me. It was 32 days long as opposed to 27 days for Cycle #1. I had about 5 days of spotting at the end of the cycle before AF finally decided to arrive. Then I had a few days of heavy to moderate flow and AF was gone. A few days later, I had more spotting for a couple of days. Even today, CD13, I had a bit of spotting. I am pretty confused by all of the strange things happening with my body right now.

I have started using the OPKs I got off the Internet. I have the strips for home use and the midstream tests for use at work. I am testing at 2 p.m. and 8 p.m. daily. I started testing on CD10 as recommended by the instructions for the tests. So far, I have only had very faint LH lines. I am waiting to see if I can detect a surge this cycle. I am not even sure if I am ovulating.

I am still dealing with my grief over my miscarriage. I gave my seat on the subway to a pregnant woman the other day. I had to fight back tears while I was standing there - wishing it was me who was pregnant. It was amazing how many people sitting closer to her did not offer their seat.

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I am reading a few books about recovery after miscarriage which I find helpful. They remind me that I am not alone with these painful feelings. After the tears flow, I usually experience some healing. I am trying my best to focus on the future while still honoring the past without dwelling on it.

During my last two cycles, I was very hopeful that I would conceive again. This cycle I feel differently. I am trying not to get my hopes up. I don't want to be disappointed again. I know we haven't been trying for very long - since May 2009. The fact that we conceived on our first try is probably contributing to my impatience now. Part of me wonders if that was our only chance. Mr. Pharmasaur turned 40 this weekend and in 2 weeks, I will also be 40. I can't shake the feeling that time is running out.

I have a book about meditation during conception to birth and beyond. I think this will help me to relax and improve my chances of conception. It is definitely worth a try!

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I will continue using the OPKs in hopes of detecting an LH surge. Mr. Pharmasaur and I are still doing the "baby-dance" regularly in case the tests are incorrect or miss my surge. The result of our efforts is now up to a power beyond ourselves.