18 weeks? No way!

Every week that goes by, this pregnancy thing becomes more and more incredible to me. For years, I have dreamed about being pregnant - and it's simultaneously better than and nothing like what I thought it would be!

I am very blessed to be having a fairly easy pregnancy, so far. No spotting, no morning sickness (except that one episode around 6 or 7 weeks), no major problems thus far. I am so very grateful for this. I have plenty of other stuff going on in my life, so it's a huge relief not to be dealing with pregnancy-related issues on top of that. What I have been dealing with so far are the very normal pregnancy side effects - having trouble finding a comfortable sleeping position, getting up at least twice a night to pee, and a relatively new symptom that popped up within the last week - heartburn! Tums used to make me gag, but they're already becoming my friend.

The other big issue I've been dealing with is emotions and mood swings. I'm trying my best to keep it under control, but I know Mr. Citysaur has been putting up with a lot more than normal lately. I was in the middle of a rant a couple of days ago, and he interrupted me (kindly) and asked (sweetly) if this was my crazy hormones talking. I proceeded to tell him that yes, it was, but I just couldn't help it! I was already an emotional person before becoming pregnant - I've always worn my emotions on my sleeve - so between that, the pregnancy hormones, and the emotional baggage I've got right now - I'm kind of a mess. I'm very lucky that my wonderful husband is so understanding of this. He has been my rock during this whole process. I don't know where I'd be without him by my side.

And lastly, I'm trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the impending death of my father. He told us last Friday that he's ready to go - and though I knew he was probably feeling that way, it was still a blow to hear him say it. And it looks like he's developing pneumonia and an infection - which will likely speed up the end of his life. But I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be to face it and get on with the grieving process. I love my father dearly, but I know he doesn't want to live like this, and I respect the fact that he is ready to move on. I'm going over to my parents' house tonight to spend some time with him, and in the mean time, I keep my cell phone next to me at all times, just waiting for the inevitable phone call from my mom.

However, I just can't end a post that way...so I have to pull it back around to the positive. Five more days until our big ultrasound! And three more days until my birthday! It should be a fun day of celebrating - an official scavenger hunt sponsored by our local downtown business group in the afternoon, a late dinner with friends, followed by an improv comedy show. I'll try to remember to take pictures and post about it after. And of course there will be a follow-up post on Monday's big ultrasound!

Focus on the Positive

Focus on the positive. That's my new mantra. I've had too much bad news recently (all related to my father, who is dying of lung cancer) - and I decided that the only way I could go through all this and keep my sanity was to focus on the positive.

The latest bad news came about a week ago. My mom called while Mr. Citysaur was in class for the evening, and told me that my father is now officially bedridden. He had been rapidly losing strength, and he finally just didn't have it in him to get out of bed anymore. This news came as a shock to me, since I had just been over there the previous weekend, and I was able to wheel him into the living room without much difficulty. The next day, hospice ordered a hospital bed for his room, and that's where he's been ever since. I don't know why this news hit me so hard, but it did. I broke down that night and cried my eyes out. My dogs comforted me, and I got over the worst of it, but I was still a mess the next day at work.

Mr. Citysaur and I spent the day at my parents house last weekend, and though it was good to see my family, I didn't spend much time with my father, because we had other relatives in from out of town, and I wanted to give them a chance to visit. It was the first time where he really looked like a cancer patient to me. I can tell his body is starting to give out, and though he swears he wants to hang on until March to "meet our baby", as he said on Saturday, I must admit I have my doubts.

But as I said, I've been focusing on the positive. So ever since I got over the emotional shock of the latest news, I haven't been crying. I've been excited, and happy, and reveling in the fact that I'm having a great time in my second trimester.

Tomorrow, I'm taking the day off work and spending it with my mom. We're going to the Just Between Friends sale in the town where my parents live. Thank you, Divasaur, for telling me about JBF! After that, we're going home to check on my father, then out to lunch. My mom never gets to go out to eat anymore, and since I'm saving my pennies for baby Citysaur, neither do I - so we're both pretty excited about it! And if we're up for it, we're going to catch an afternoon showing of Where the Wild Things Are. This has special meaning, as my mom used to read it to me when I was a little girl. I'm excited to share the experience with her.

Oh, and as if that's not enough to look forward to...my birthday is in 9 days, and our big ultrasound is in 11 days!! Focusing on the positive sure is easier when you have so many positives to focus on!

A Happy Day

It's been a bit of a rough week. For starters, I've just been completely and totally exhausted - an exhaustion like I have never known before. I'm not sleeping well at night - tossing and turning, vivid dreams and nightmares, the whole lot. So I've felt behind on my sleep all week. Add to that the emotional fallout from last Sunday, which I blogged about in my last entry, and a husband who's been on my case to tell the whole world we're pregnant, and it's been a rather rough past few days.

Today, however, has been a fabulous day. I'm so happy my face hurts from smiling so much. Why am I so happy? It's an accumulation of good things that've been building up to the phone call I received from my father today. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start with Monday, and the beautiful flowers that were delivered to me at work from a good friend who knew I was upset. Funnily enough, she doesn't even know we're pregnant yet!

Tuesday, we got a card in the mail from my best friend, congratulating us on our pregnancy - with our first baby gift inside! She sent us a $25 gift card to Babies R Us, which we're already itching to spend.

Today was the cherry on top of my happiness sundae. It began with a team celebration at work, a Fun Day we have once a year to get the 14 of us out of the office to promote team bonding. This year, we went to a local dive bar for drinks and lots of fried foods and then across the street to another bar with a collection of vintage arcade games. Only one coworker knows so far, and I was rather proud of myself. When the waitress came to take our drink orders, I whispered to her to get me a vodka/cranberry without the liquor, and told her that my coworkers "didn't know I'm not drinking yet." That and a wink definitely conveyed my message, and it felt kinda cool being conspiratorial like that. So that was a nice feeling.

But the piece de resistance was the phone call I received from my father this evening, a few minutes after I got home from the bar. He's been keeping a journal to record his thoughts on his cancer journey, and he wanted to read us the entry from Sunday. It was the most beautiful and comforting thing I've ever heard.


He wrote about how his initial reaction was one of overwhelming sadness...finally feeling the world whizzing past him and seeing real evidence of what he'll be missing out on. But after he gathered his thoughts, he realized what a wonderful gift this new baby will be. He told me that seeing my mom bounce off the walls and buzz with excitement this week has been fabulous. She's already talking about needing another new sewing machine for all the embroidery she'll have to do for the baby (as if the two top-of-the-line machines she already has aren't enough!). My father said this was the best gift we could've possibly given her. He finally feels completely at peace knowing that she has something to look forward to, something to keep her from feeling lonely after he's gone. And he's so excited about experiencing the pregnancy with us.

What a wonderful, incredible feeling of happiness I have in my heart now. This baby, our baby, is already doing amazing things, and he or she is barely an embryo yet.
Edited to add: I just had to put a tag on about how wonderful Mr. Citysaur has been through all this. Yes, he's itching to tell the world we're pregnant, but only because he's So Incredibly Excited that we're expecting. Last night, I went out with a friend to see her husband in a musical...and Mr. Citysaur stayed home and cleaned the house, did the dishes, and did my laundry, among other things. He's just been amazing to me, and he's another very good reason why this week has made a turn for the better. I feel very blessed right now!

Telling the parents...

If I have learned anything about my husband and myself in the week since we found out we were pregnant, it is that neither of us is very good at keeping secrets!

Realizing full well how early it is, Mr. Citysaur and I decided to go ahead and tell both sets of parents this weekend. Since his parents are five hours away, we had to do that reveal over the phone. It ended up being an elaborate set up that he cooked up with his sister and she carried out with the help of her three-year-old daughter. The two of them went over to my in-laws' house, and DH planned it out so that he called just after they showed up. After both parents were on the line, DH's sister gave her daughter the signal, and she told her grandparents "I'm gonna be a cousin!" My mother-in-law's first reaction was "What? You're going to do what with the carseat?" After saying it a second time, we got a "Congrats, guys!" from DH's dad, and a "Who's pregnant?" from DH's mom. THEN she caught on! To be fair, DH's brother-in-law has other siblings, so it could've been a cousin on her other side...and I just don't think she was expecting a pregnancy announcement from us just yet. So we definitely surprised them.

For my parents, since they're in town, we decided to do the big reveal in person. I browsed CafePress and ordered them each a button, which I then put inside a card for them.

The package from CafePress barely made it to me in time...in fact, it took our mailman an extra trip to the package center and a special delivery to me to get it in my hands in time. Two thumbs up to the USPS in this case!

So I had it all planned out. We arrived at their house super early to catch the first showing of Harry Potter with them. I wanted to wait until after, so we could have plenty of time to talk. After turned out to be almost 2 PM, once we were all finished with lunch at their house. The waiting was torture! I was nervous all morning, all during the movie, and even while eating lunch. Poor Mr. Citysaur didn't help either. My mom noticed a change in his behavior almost as soon as we got to their house, and even called him out on it on the way to the movie! We tried to play it off, but she never bought it, not really.

So I finally handed her the card, and her very first reaction was "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!" Then I got a huge hug and she said "My baby's having a baby!" She is thrilled for her first grandchild, and wanted to wear the button to work tomorrow! I asked her to hold off for a while, until we're ready to announce it to the world, and she reluctantly agreed.

Things were a little different with my father. I know in my heart of hearts that he is thrilled for us. But I think it was difficult for him to share in this happy announcement with us, not knowing whether he will actually get to meet our baby or not. After listening to us talk for a while, he went to his room and napped for a bit. Before we left, he made sure and told me that he's really, really happy for us, even if it didn't seem like it. I know he's telling the truth.

It is such a strange mix of emotions - the highest highs and the lowest lows. The joy of a new life mixed in with the last months of another. At times, I wonder what I've gotten myself into. I'm already seeing that I'm now not only going to lose my father soon, but I'm going to be doing it with the crazy hormones of a pregnant woman. I ended up leaving my parents' house in kind of a funk, and it's been a down day since then. I know that's just the life of someone affected by cancer...and the raging hormones certainly don't help.

The good news is that Mr. Citysaur has been absolutely beyond amazing through all of this. If I could've imagined exactly what I wanted in a husband/father of my children - even that wouldn't have come close to him. I know it sounds cheesy, but he has shown his true colors through all of this, and I know he will be my rock, no matter what happens. For now, I'm just going to try to revel in the still-new fact that we are PREGNANT! and not dwell too much on the other things.

An introduction of sorts

Hello there! I'm Citysaur, the newest 'saur on the blo(g)ck. I'm called Citysaur 'cuz that's what I like...living in the city! Not the City...that's New York, of course, and we're not there yet. But we do live in a downtown apartment in a major Southern city, and love it! One of the things my husband and I first bonded about was raising kids in the city...so we're super excited to finally be nearing that phase of our lives!

Speaking of our TTC journey, I suppose you might like to know our background. Mr. Citysaur and I have been married a mere 6 months. We knew all along, however, that we wanted to start trying within the first year of our marriage. I've had major baby fever for a while now, and DH was born to be a daddy. Kids gravitate to him, and vice versa. I suspect it's because they share the same maturity level. ;-) I kid, I kid!

So, shortly after getting settled in as newlyweds, Mr. Citysaur and I began to talk about when we'd like to start a family. Originally, we decided we'd wait until the fall, for various reasons. I went off BCP in late March, and we decided to TTA for about 6 months. All of that changed - and indeed, my whole world turned upside down - a month and a half ago. That was when we received the devastating news that my father has terminal lung cancer. The doctor estimates he has somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 months to a year to live.

So in the midst of all of the emotional turmoil, we're forging ahead and decided to move up our TTC date. I'm currently in the midst of my very first two week wait and it's driving me absolutely bonkers!

A bit of a long intro post, but wanted to set out all the facts first! I really look forward to contributing and being a part of the Pregosaur family!