Surfacing....

It's been a busy few months around the Eiresaur house. We moved to a new country, I started working, and we finally got health insurance! Woohoo! With all of these new things, unfortunately, one of them is not a pregnancy. With our newly acquired health insurance we were finally able to start fertility treatments in October. Samples of all sorts were given and from the outset the doctor seemed to think we'd be successful doing an IUI. Well...

• The swabs came back positive for a bacterial infection - DH and I were put on antibiotics.
• I had an HSG. - It came back inconclusive because the muscles around my tubes contracted so badly that it didn't show pooling (aka blockage), nor did it go all the way through the end of the tube. - If needed again, I'll be taking stronger drugs!
  
• The blood came back showing I was in grey area for immunity to German Measles. - I was revaccinated and we're currently in the 4 week waiting period.
• DH's semen sample tested positive for E.coli. That's right, E.coli. - DH put on more antibiotics.
• DH's semen analyses (he's had two) are not great. The second was worst than the first. In the second one the volume was so low they wouldn't have done an IUI with it. - Referred to a urologist. - Nurse pronounces that it's okay, because we can still do IVF with ICSI! Dollar signs are swirling around my head while I hear this.
  
• Urologist discovers DH only has one vas deferens and he's missing his left kidney. - Apparently this shouldn't affect his fertility (stuff is actually coming through per semen sample), but it's a little freaky nonetheless.
• Next up is me being retested for the bacterial infection and retested for the German measles immunity. DH had blood drawn at the urologist and he has a follow-up appointment next in 3 weeks. He also needs to do another S/A to be the 'tie-breaker'.
  

My dream is that DH's volume miraculously goes up. Our insurance covers IUI, but not IVF. We'd have to do some serious shifting around to make that happen.

I've been hesitant to post all of this, mainly because this is a blog for pregnant people, not infertiles. Each month I hope that I can actually come on here to announce good news, but who knows if that will ever happen. :(

I feel like a 90 year old

I now have a 7-day pill box.
Never thought I'd need one of these until much later in my life but now I have one!
Why?

Well, because I have so many vitamins I need to to take each day and at the end of the day I can't ever remember if I actually took them or not. So, I figured this would help me out and it has! I'm actually loving it!

So what vitamins am I taking?

• Prenatal
• Vitamin D
  
• B12
• DHA
  
• (You can get prenatal w/DHA- but I like the prenatal I use so I don't want to switch)
• And 2 tums a day for calcium

So that is why I now feel like a 90 year old.

Update...and question!

Sorry to be away for so long!

Well, according to FF, it's been 7 months now since we started trying to conceive. Not too long in the life of a 35 year old! One cycle was a bust because I ended up with some form of intestinal issue. Before all of that, I had decided I was going to have my thyroid checked out. I had been feeling run down and my friends convinced me to go to the GP. At the same time I decided to have my CD3 and CD22 hormones checked out. Everything has come back as normal, so that's good news. Next thing we need to do is have my husband go for a semen analysis. It's not expensive (100 euro), but with the holidays, visa expenses, and a trip to the US we've decided to wait until after the 1st of the year to have it done.

He's been taking Well.man Conception vitamins and I'm still taking my folic acid, EPO, B6, B Complex, and D vitamins. I'm also going to pick up some Pre-Seed while in the US. We've been using the Conceive Plus that is available here (necessary when you're not totally interested in doing it that night!), but I kind of like the idea of the applicator getting it closer to where it needs to be!

This cycle is going to be a timing nightmare due to travel. So annoying.

Here's a question though...

I have a friend who has three 50mg doses of Clomid left over from when she was TTC. It took them 5 years, but they now have two children (one conceived with her first dose of Clomid, the other conceived without drugs). We've talked at length about what they went through, what her cycles were like and how they are similar to mine, etc. Well, she has offered this Clomid to me a couple of times. I'm not going to lie, it's tempting. But, I feel a little weird about taking a prescription drug without it being prescribed by my doctor! She said I should just contact my doctor and let them know I'm going to do it so I can go in and have a blood draw to ensure that I ovulated. Honestly, the way GPs roll here, that's not a far-fetched way of going about it. My husband feels a bit uncomfortable, but I think that's because I told him my first reaction was uncertainty.

So...what would you do??

The TTC Swag

Trying to conceive is expensive.



At least it is if you are a control freak (just a little bit!) like me and must know what is going on at all times. Each month something new has been added to the regime.

The first month was the digital thermometer. I bought this months ago, but I believe it was 12 euro. I’ve joined Fertility Friend to track the temps, but so far I have resisted on splurging for the VIP membership.

Next up was the ovulation predictor kits. I know they have some of the simple strips which are cheaper, but after looking at samples of these online, I have a really hard time reading the lines. In an effort to take the guess work out of it, I buy the digital ones that produce a little smiley face. The amount of joy I get out of seeing that smiley face is ridiculous. I can’t imagine how I’ll feel if I get a positive pregnancy test! Unfortunately, the smiley face comes at a price. A box of 7 is 32 euro. Ouch.

This month we are adding Conceive Plus into the mix. Apparently this is the same thing as Pre-Seed, which is (from what I’ve found) only available online here in Ireland. The nice thing about the Conceive Plus is that it’s just a tube; it’s not separate application packets like the Pre-Seed. It will be nice if we get more than six uses out of the tube. The price is about the same – just under 18 euro. Double ouch.

Then of course are the pregnancy tests. I TRY to hold off as long as I can, but POAS is really addictive! I’ve also discovered that nothing will start your period faster than POAS. Depending on the brand, two tests run about 15 euro.

And of course there are the vitamins. I take EPO (pre-ovulation), B6, B complex, and folic acid. The price of these aren’t TOO bad with the EPO being the most expensive. The pharmacy does a 3 for 2 deal which is great.

All in all, this means I spend on average 50 euro a month on all this stuff. Yikes! It wouldn’t be so bad, but TTC swag isn’t nearly as cute as baby swag. I’d rather be buying baby swag!

Cycle #11 TTC#3 CD9 -OPK

This post title feels like a stock market ticker. Totally unreadable unless you're party of the elite group of stockholders. But since you're at Pregosaur, you are :)

So yep. CD9.Negatove OPK. No shock. I do however have a light line already:

I took 50mg Clomid Cd5-9 this month hoping for a good O with some nice mature follicles. So I'm really hoping that I get a nice strong O on the left side so my lonely tube brings that beautiful eggie to meet it's future.

Come on baby... I'm waiting for you.

what a crazy week!!

I feel like I belong in Alice in Wonderland.. "we're all a little mad here.."

I have had strange little lines pop up on IC tests since 8 dpo, but nothing I'm positive about.

FRERs and Answer Earlys do not agree with the ICs.

Fertility Friend keeps moving my O date so I'm 9dpo/10 dpo/9dpo/11dpo... **sigh**

I have officially banned myself from testing until I agree with FF that I am 13 dpo. and even then, only with an IC. If I agree with the line I MIGHT dip the FRER... MAYBE.. I might wait another day even then.

I think my mental facilities have had it with this week. I had a breakdown today and cried in my coffee. This is my 10th cycle TTC, and though I know that is short compared to what some people go through, it is almost more than I can handle.

I hope the rollercoaster is over soon......

Waiting...........

Today is CD43 and I am still waiting for AF to arrive after my first Clomid cycle. My beta-HCG blood test was negative.

When we saw the fertility specialist on May 17th, she did not recommend continuing with Clomid for the next cycle. I didn't respond very well to it, which is not a surprise as my FSH was 14. The doctor recommended that we try injectable fertility medications. Specifically, Puregon (Follistim in the USA) to stimulate my ovaries, Orgalutran (ganirelix) to hold off my LH surge until the follicle(s) get to the right size and Ovidrel (HCG) to trigger ovulation when the time is right. This past cycle, I had my LH surge too early - at CD8 when my follicle was still quite small. The doctor also suggested that we consider using IUI instead of timed intercourse with the injectable medications.

Mr. Pharmasaur and I had previously said we wouldn't use Clomid. Then we said we wouldn't use injectable drugs. We talked and thought about this decision for several days before we decided to try the injectable drugs. We also agreed that after using the drugs, we would like to increase our conception chances by using IUI. There is nothing wrong with Mr. Pharmasaur's sperm analysis, but the IUI will be effective in by-passing my cervical fluid which has not been very abundant lately.

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I went to the fertility clinic again this past week to get some help in locating my missing AF. My progesterone level was 14 and my endometrial lining was thick which means that AF is on her way soon, I hope! The fertility specialist checked my thyroid hormones again and decided to increase my medication. I hope this gets the levels where they should be and keeps them there. I will get the test repeated in about a month or so to see if it is working.

I have the injectable medications ready to go. Now, all we need is AF and a CD3 blood level of FSH lower than 14 to go ahead. Wish us luck!

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One Year

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May 17, 2009, one year ago today, Mr. Pharmasaur and I decided to try to have a baby. I remember how excited we were while we were on our walk to the drugstore to pick up prenatal vitamins. Of course, we had no idea how our TTC journey would unfold.

We actually started to try on May 22nd, as AF was visiting when we made our decision. I wish I could go back to those first few weeks - the hope, anticipation and excitement we felt was wonderful.

We were also cautious however. We were both 39 years old then and we knew that it could take a long time to conceive, if we could conceive at all.

Mr. Pharmasaur and I were very shocked and excited to get a BFP on June 15, 2009. We felt truly blessed. Sadly, the miscarriage on July 24, 2009 ended our hopes and dreams for that pregnancy.

Originally, Mr. Pharmasaur and I had agreed to TTC for one year. After that time, we agreed that we would let go of our TTC efforts and accept our child-free family as it is. However, the pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage changed these plans. We were not able to actively start TTC again until near the end of September when AF finally returned.

Since we did achieve one pregnancy, we were hopeful that this might happen again. So we tried on our own for several months. Then I started to use digital and then Internet strip OPKs. Then I started to chart my BBT and use Fertility Friend. After that, I got a ClearBlue Easy Fertility monitor. Unfortunately, TTC was not turning out to be easy for us this time.

Then in March 2010, we went to a fertility clinic and a naturopath. I have had problems with my FSH being too high and my thyroid hormones being out of balance. I am now on thyroid medication and have just finished my first Clomid cycle. This is cycle number 9 of TTC since our miscarriage.

Mr. Pharmasaur and I are going to see the fertility specialist today. We will see what she suggests as our next option. Perhaps another cycle or two of Clomid? I am concerned that it is thinning out my endometrial lining which will not bode well for the chances of a pregnancy. I am also going to ask about taking progesterone as both I and my naturopath suspect I may have a deficiency of this hormone. Mr. Pharmasaur and I have agreed we are willing to continue for 2 more cycles of Clomid. We don't really feel comfortable using Femara but we are willing to ask the doctor for her opinion on it's use in fertility medicine. We do not want to go through IVF . We are considering IUI as one of our options.

It looks like, however, that our time of TTC may be coming to a close. We are both 40 now and as time goes on, the likely hood of our conceiving a child keeps plummeting. I think that a lot depends on our fertility doctor appointment today. I am also well aware of the fact that at my age, my chances of a miscarriage are higher than for a live birth.

This week is of great significance in my TTC journey and it is also the 4th Annual Canadian Infertility Awareness Week.

It feels like we may be getting close to letting go of our dream of having our own child.

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Hope

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I am scared to hope for a BFP. I'm afraid to jinx it. It is like if I really believe I could be pregnant, then I won't be. How superstitious is that?

I'm 11 DPO today and I just did an HPT. It was BFN. It could be too early still. I think I will try again on Sunday with FMU.

I go to the fertility specialist again on Monday morning. I will get my blood beta-HCG test done on Monday or Tuesday. I will know for sure then.

It was only our first cycle on Clomid. I didn't really feel much of a difference while I was taking the drug. Lately, I have had some twinges in my abdomen and sore nipples. I have noticed an odd metallic taste in my mouth for the last few days. These could be PMS, drug effects or pregnancy symptoms. Sigh, I will just have to wait to find out for sure.

No sign of AF yet which is good news.

I know that the chances are greater that I'm not pregnant.

But a part of me is still not ready to give up hope.


Hope is the thing with feathers,
that perches in the soul,
and sings the tune without the words,
and never stops at all.

- Emily Dickinson

More surprises....

Last time I posted, I was waiting for the results of my thyroid tests. I was also going in for a sonohysterogram ultrasound the next day. My own fertility doctor performed the ultrasound so I was able to ask about my thyroid tests while I was there. She said my TSH was around 3 and that she was not concerned about it. She was more concerned about my FSH level being 36- she told me that they like to see it below 10 on CD3.

The sonohysterogram was uncomfortable but when it started getting painful, I told my doctor and she stopped. She said that she had enough information and didn't need to continue any further. My uterus and tubes looked fine on the test - good news!

So my next step was to wait for AF to show up again so I could go back for CD3 blood work and ultrasound. I didn't need to wait very long - that cycle was only 20 days long. CD1 was on April 25th. On CD3, I went back into the clinic for my tests. The nurse said I could start Clomid if my FSH levels were below 14. I had my fingers crossed all day! I got another surprise with the results the nurse phoned in to me later that day. My FSH was 14 so I could start the Clomid. Good news! Now, I finally felt like we were doing something.

There was also some bad news - one of my thyroid hormones was a bit low and the doctor was calling in a prescription for levothyroxine for me to start right away. I was disappointed with this. I know it means more blood tests and possibly several dosage adjustments to get my hormone levels balanced. Hypothyroidism can cause infertility and hypothyroidism in pregnancy can cause some serious problems. On the other hand, I am glad I am starting the medication now with the hope that the hypothyroidism will be under control soon. I've been on the medication for a week now and I will need to go back in 4 to 6 weeks for another blood test to check the thyroid hormones.

I took my Clomid this cycle from CD3 to CD7. I didn't really feel any different. I wasn't even sure the Clomid was doing anything. On CD 8, at 8:15 on a Sunday morning, I was back at the clinic for more blood tests and an ultrasound. The clinic was really busy and I was surprised. But in the fertility world, timing is everything!

The blood technicians have been having a hard time getting my blood. A few times they have taken it from the back of my hand which can be quite painful. A friend of ours, who is a fertility clinic veteran with twins, gave us a suggestion. So, this time, I brought my new best friend with me to the clinic:

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Yes, it is a reusable heat pack. I had it on my arm all the while Mr. Pharmasaur was driving us to the clinic. And the tech was able to get my blood without a problem! I was so relieved!

During the ultrasound, the doctor observed one follicle on my left ovary and that my endometrial lining was thin. That wasn't a concern as it was still early in my cycle.

Later on CD8, the nurse from the clinic called me back. This was another surprise. The original plan was for me to do a LH test on Monday morning at home to rule out an early surge, and then go back to the clinic for blood work and ultrasound on Tuesday morning. I was having my LH surge already on CD8 which means that ovulation would most likely follow in 24-36 hours. They told me we should have sex on Sunday and Monday. Then, in two weeks, I should get a blood pregnancy test done. I am now concerned about my thin endometrial lining but I am hoping it will thicken up as my cycle continues. The clinic did not seem to be optimistic about my chances of conception for this cycle. The nurse has given my chart to the fertility doctor for review and to make a plan for next cycle.

I have an appointment to see the fertility doctor on May 17th with Mr. Pharmasaur. I am hoping the results of his sperm analysis will be back by then too. At least we will have more information. I will also get my blood pregnancy test done then. So, I am officially in the 2 week wait now.

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Actually, no, I don't have any patience. I really wish I did though! It would sure come in handy for these next 2 weeks. One of the biggest things I have learned throughout my TTC process is how impatient I am. If anyone has any tips on developing patience, I'm all ears!

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It's time

In case anyone missed me...

I have been on a bit of a hiatus from blogging over the last month. After I threw the thermometer in the drawer I have had many ups and downs. The ups are that I don't think about having another baby every day, more like just a few times a week...which is pretty miraculous for me. The downs being that seeing babies and people having new babies is often very difficult emotionally. I simply try to avoid reading about anything baby related, or focusing too much on anything that has to do with pregnancy and newborns.

I honestly know that I've done the right thing for myself and my family by giving up on ttc. I have had a sense of release. Almost like I've given myself permission to accept that I may only have one child naturally. This is definitely not an easy thing to accept, but it has helped me to not be anxious and pity myself that I haven't had more kids by now.

I say all this to let you know that I think my time on Pregosaur has come to a close. I know I've only been on here for a short time, but I think this is best for me. I figure if I am done ttc & I have a hard time even coming to the site and reading other peoples posts, that I really shouldn't overstay my welcome.

I pray that one day I will get my BFP, but I'm not anxiously counting on it. I really love that I have to count or look at a calendar to figure out what day of my cycle I am on. Maybe some day I'll be one of those people that wakes up suddenly and says "wow, I think my period is late" and I'll take a test and be dumbfounded when I see two lines. I pray that I can be caught off guard by pregnancy. I've always wanted to be one of those women....

So, to all of you in ttc and pregnancy land... thank you for being so supportive of my ttc endeavors.

May God shower you with the blessing of perfect babies.

Joggersaur Family Update

I apologize for my long absence... Things have been a tad crazy in the Joggersaur house.

And since I've been gone so long, I'm going to start from the beginning, but I'll keep it as condensed as possible.

We got married March 2009. We decided to stop using protection after six months of marriage. During those six months, I was super regular, not even a day late.

We hit the six month mark, and I happened to start that day. I thought that worked out perfectly.

Little did I know, that period would be the only period I had until December.

During that time frame, we encountered all kinds of stress (hubby's loss of job, extended stay guest, apartment lease ending, trouble with our downstairs neighbors, and moving in with my in-laws), and my body revolted.

Once I started my period in December, I had no idea how long my next cycle would be.

But due to the move, me being sick for the entire month of January with a sinus infection, followed by a yeast infection, followed by my period. And in that time, my MIL had some serious health problems. So their wasn't much baby dancing going on.

My doctor basically told me I needed to relax and I was making myself sick over and over again.

I got my next visit from Aunt Flo in the beginning of February.

I began to eat differently and exercise consistently. (To date, I've lost 27 lbs.)

My March cycle only took five weeks.

Since then, I've done my best to relax, which is hard while you are in the process of buying land to build a house and living with your inlaws in the smallest bedroom ever, but I am doing my best.

Flo should show up this week or next... And I will be back more often as well!

TTC on hold for now......

Let me start off by apologizing for not blogging in the last little while. A lot has been going on and I've been putting off my blogging duties!

Mr. Pharmasaur and I saw the fertility specialist on March 25th. The doctor came up with a plan for us to start on my next cycle. Mr. Pharmasaur has a requisition for a sperm analysis which he can do anytime (apparently he will be doing that this coming Wednesday.) We both had the standard infectious disease blood tests required by the clinic. I had a progesterone blood level to see if I'd ovulated (it was CD27 and I had not ovulated at that point.) I highly doubt that I ovulated last cycle.

Then the plan was to wait until CD3, come back in for hormone blood levels and an ultrasound and then start Clomid 100 mg for 5 days. The clinic would have me come back in regularly for cycle monitoring and put us on a schedule of "timed intercourse" to help us conceive.

CD3 ended up being last Wednesday so I went to the clinic early in the morning for my blood work and ultrasound. It feels so strange, walking around the clinic, trying not to be embarrassed to be there. I feel like everyone there is trying not to look at each other - kind of a mixture of feeling uncomfortable and giving others their privacy.

I had the blood work and ultrasound done and I was told to wait for a phone call from the clinic before I took the Clomid. I had a small cyst on my left ovary and if it was estrogen dependent, it would be pointless the take the fertility drug as it could interfere with ovulation.

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The clinic did call later that day and told me not to take the Clomid. I was pretty disappointed as I was looking forward to getting some serious help with TTC. My estrogen level was fine at 99. My FSH was high at 32 and my LH (luteinizing hormone) was a bit high at19. They were a little concerned about those numbers. However, they were most concerned with my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) which was 7.13. The high end of the normal range here in Canada is 5. So, I got another requisition to get my thyroid hormones tested again which I got done last Friday. I am still waiting for those results.

So, there will be no cycle monitoring this month. I also have another blood requisition to repeat my CD3 hormone levels in my next cycle. I have a feeling that my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) may be too high to use fertility drugs. I may be heading into perimenopause.

Our biggest concern however, is the possibility of hypothyroidism. If this is indeed the case, I will need to be put on medication to bring my thyroid hormones back into balance. This usually takes blood work and several dose adjustments to achieve. If we go ahead and TTC with untreated hypothyroidism, it could put us at risk of miscarriage and birth defects if we can even conceive at all. At the age of 40, any delays like this can really have an impact on our future chances of conception.

Tomorrow, I am going back to the clinic for a sonohysterogram ultrasound which I am not really looking forward too. However, we are doing this to see if there are any physical problems with my reproductive organs that could be preventing conception. After the thyroid hormone surprise, I really hope that there are no more tomorrow!

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Facing the Baby Stuff

My sister-in-law (who I love and adore) is about 34 weeks pregnant! We are having a shower for her tomorrow and I have been able to be involved with the planning, which is wonderful and hard all at the same time! Planning for a baby shower involves lots of baby-related stuff (obviously), and it isn't always easy to face all the pretty pink and blue things when you are TTC!

I have managed to keep my emotions under control so far but I am concerned about facing all the things that go with a baby shower like the cute little outfits, the other pregnant girls and the family members gushing all over the expectant mom! I sound so selfish right now and it's not that I am not happy for her, because I am and I'm happy for me too! After all, I get to be an aunt again!

I just want to be a Mom again too... is that too much to ask for?! Wish me luck as I face all the baby stuff tomorrow!

Trying to go with the 'Flo

Last night, I burst into tears after watching an episode of Law & Order, SVU. I looked at my husband and said "I guess my period is coming." I've felt teary off and on for a couple of days now. Today at work, I was absent-minded and I was dropping things more frequently. I also feel fatigued and irritable. These are all calling cards of my old "friend" Aunt Flo.

My temperature hasn't dropped yet. I suspect it may do that tomorrow or within a few days. AF will be here the day after the temperature drop. My CBFM has given me low fertility readings everyday so far this cycle. I sometimes cling to the small hope that I may have had a short LH surge and that the machine missed it.

TTC and charting has certainly helped me to get to know my body a lot better. My cycles have been so irregular lately that I'm glad I have these advance warning signals of AF.

Last cycle, I didn't even have a chance to use a HPT before AF showed up. It looks like the same thing may happen again. This is very disappointing, to say the least. However, I would much rather have these shorter cycles (today is CD18) than a long, drawn out 53 day cycle. We are able to start trying again so much sooner with the shorter cycles. I feel like we need all the chances we can get.

One exciting bit of news - I got a Fertility Specialist appointment for next week! They had some cancellations otherwise I would have been waiting a few months. I really hope that the FS can help us to conceive. I am starting to get discouraged that we won't be able to get pregnant again.

My Naturopathic Consultation

Yesterday, I went to a Naturopathic Fertility Clinic for an initial consultation. I had found the clinic by searching on the Internet for somewhere nearby to purchase PreSeed. When I went to buy the PreSeed, I was very impressed by the calm, relaxing atmosphere in the clinic. Since I am waiting to see a Fertility Specialist, I decided to try some naturopathic support in the meantime. Both Mr. Pharmasaur and I prefer to enhance our fertility by natural means before starting drug therapy. This is interesting since we are both the in the pharmaceutical field!

I really liked the Naturopath (ND). She was very warm, friendly, understanding and knowledgeable. I had filled out a 12 page form with all of my pertinent information to bring along with me. The ND asked me questions related to this and did some Chinese medicine work (looking at my tongue and taking the pulses in my wrist.) She asked me about lifestyle choices such as waking, bed and mealtimes. Then the ND made her recommendations.

She encouraged me to try to settle into a routine for waking, bed and mealtimes which will help support my adrenal gland function. This will be tricky with my current work schedule as my hours vary consistently even within the same week.

As for exercise, the Naturopath urged me to continue walking. She said if I could fit in swimming once or twice a week, that would be great. She didn't recommend starting an intense exercise routine as it could disrupt my system even further. I love to swim and I am looking forward to getting back to the pool soon.

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Then the ND made her nutritional recommendations:

Breakfast - protein, fruit, dairy and grain

Lunch - protein and vegetables (at least 50% of the meal!)

Dinner - protein and vegetables (sometimes a grain: limited to brown rice, quinoa or buckwheat)

Snack - fruit and/or vegetable with protein

She also recommended eating raw ground flax and raw pumpkin seeds every day. Raw chia, sunflower and ground sesame seeds are also encouraged occasionally.

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I am supposed to consume 1 to 1.5 L of water each day. Clear, herbal teas can be included in this total.

The ND recommended an herb called vitex agnus castus (or chastetree/berry) to help increase my LH production and thereby increasing progesterone levels. This herb needs to be stopped as soon as I get pregnant.

As for supplements, the ND suggested that I continue with my prenatal vitamin and vitamin D. She recommended zinc, vitamin B6, calcium capsules, co-enzyme Q10 and fish oil supplements.

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By analyzing my history, my current cycle irregularity, my tongue, and my pulses, the ND suspects I am deficient in zinc and progesterone. The chasteberry should help to regulate my cycles. Hopefully, by the time I get in to see the fertility specialist, my body will be more hormonally balanced again.

I am going back to see the ND in one month for a followup visit. The Naturopath wants to try some acupuncture then. She assured me that once I follow the diet and supplement plan that I will feel fantastic. My biggest challenge will be decreasing the sugars that I eat. I know that this new plan is healthy, balanced, sensible and simple. Even if it doesn't help me to conceive (fingers crossed that it will!) , I feel that it will improve my overall health.

I am very glad that I went to the clinic. I have done a lot of research on foods, herbs and supplements for fertility. I have read about many options on the Internet. I wasn't sure which combinations were right for me, so I'm glad that I have a health professional's recommendations and follow up care now.

The girl who knew too much

The first few days after my new niece was born were fairly rough on me. My husband has definitely noticed this in me and instead of our usual plans to BD, we had a heart to heart.

He was pretty worried about me and how I get so emotional about ttc sometimes. Usually it's just before I "find out my fate" each month but I've also been greatly affected by this new baby too.

I told my DH that I just wished there was a way to stop getting so emotional about ttc and thinking about it all the time. I know that it's a matter of me just choosing to stop feeling sorry for myself or worrying about the future or being jealous or whatever it is that is causing my pain. We talked about how everyone has a cross to bear in their lives, and no ones cross is exactly the same as someone elses. We both feel that God is using this situation to help me learn and grow in my relationship with Him.

DH has been feeling like things were becoming too mechanical in our approach to ttc. Honestly, I had been thinking about this for a little while now, and the new baby situation has simply been the catalyst for us to sit down and talk things through. He thinks that ttc is coming between us in our relationship, and that something has to change. That I need to start focusing on the familiy we DO have instead of dreaming about the family that MIGHT be.

He really cut to the heart of the matter...

We decided after our talk that it's time to stop ttc. It's been a year since I started temping my bbt again, and it's been a good thing since it prompted me to go see the doctor and get some answers. Then after that I was on clomid for those 3 months, so I needed to track my bbt and ovulation date etc. But now, we're done with that chapter of our lives and it's time to get back to basics.

I need to feel spontaneous again when it comes to intimacy. No more focusing on timing and the infamous 'fertile window.' I refuse to let that get in the way of the closeness I share with my husband.

It's time to move on and focus on my family 'as is'.

I threw my thermometer in a drawer and was done with it. It was such a relief...a breath of fresh air. Freedom!

A Little Boy's Wish

I've held on to this piece for some time now. I always wanted to use it in my personal blog but never had the courage to post it. I feel this is a better place for this post and hope it gives a little better insight as to why having another child is so important to DH & I.


I feel pretty lucky to be the eldest of five children. Sure there were times growing up that I didn't always feel this way. The time my little bothers decided to drive a remote control car through my hair... not so much! The many times people would ask how old my daughter was... never too excited to answer that question. But now that my siblings are all grown up, (almost anyway), I feel truly blessed to have them in my life. 


It's hard for me to imagine life w/out siblings. My hubby waited twenty years for a little sister... I'd say it was well worth the wait! DH and I had always said that we would wait till DS turned two and then begin trying for a brother or sister for him. God has had different plans for us and at times that wait has been almost unbearable. Still, we hold out hope that one day it will be the right time for us.

A few months ago I read an article in my Parents magazine about a little boy who was wishing for a brother or sister. The parents had been trying for years to conceive a second child and had almost given up hope. The boy had never mentioned that he secretly longed for a sibling and it was only after a PT conference at his school, that they discovered his wish. The parents were asked to look through a group of drawings done by the boy's classmates and himself. They were to find the picture that their son had drawn... the pictures were family portraits. After looking and looking the mother finally picked a picture of a family consisting of a mom & dad, a little boy and a baby. She had picked right.

When the parents asked their son why he had drawn the baby in their family's portrait he told them he was the only child in his class w/out a sibling and that he hoped someday he'd have one too! The boy got his wish and the article went on to tell about an essay the boy had written about his little brother. It was very moving and as I stood in our kitchen in tears, DS looked at me and asked, "what's wrong Mommy, why are you crying?"

The thought of DS growing up alone breaks my heart! We've asked him several times if he'd like to have a baby brother or sister and he always says yes but he's very young and until we had this conversation, I thought it was just an answer.

I watch a little boy a couple times a month. He has been coming to stay with us since he was only 4 weeks old. DS loves spending time with him! A few months ago, DS and I were busy "talking through the animals", as I like to call it... (it's play that involves the both of us pretending to be an animal and saying the things we think they'd say to one another.) DS was a bee and I was a dragonfly. The bee asked the dragonfly if he had a brother, I answered "yes", (for the dragonfly). The dragonfly asked the bee if he had any brothers or sisters, the bee answered, "Yes, I have a little brother. He doesn't sleep at out house but we take care of him and I wish he lived w/ us."

I went on to explain to DS that "baby boy" would miss his Mommy and his Mommy would miss him. He then asked if we could have a baby come live w/ us... I wasn't sure what to say. I told him that Daddy and I would like that very much and we would try really hard to make that happen for our family. And that's what gets me through all of the frustration and heartache that comes w/ TTC!

On to Cycle #7.....

Mr. Pharmasaur and I have returned from Mexico where we had a nice, relaxing holiday.


We didn't invite AF along on our trip, but I was prepared, just in case she decided to join us. A few days into the trip, I had several days of spotting and at first, I was hopeful that it was implantation bleeding. I religiously kept taking my BBT while on vacation. That means I was taking my temp at 4:45 a.m. local time each morning! When I saw my temperature take a nose dive on the Saturday morning, I knew that AF would be visiting on Sunday morning. And she did. We flew home Sunday morning so she wasn't too much of an inconvenience while we were on our trip. Except for the spotting. I was disappointed that I didn't even get to take a HPT this cycle. My CBFM gave me a peak reading for the first time last cycle. FF thought I O'd on CD11 and said our intercourse timing was good. So, I got my hopes up and started to get excited at the possibility of maybe getting pregnant again.

You can take a peek at my FF chart here if you are interested.

So this is now Cycle #7 of TTC since the miscarriage on July 24, 2009. On February 24, we were in Mexico and it was the first time I didn't think of the anniversary date of the miscarriage. I remembered when we got back home and I felt guilty for not thinking of it on the actual date. I was distracted by being on holiday and perhaps I am starting to heal from the loss. But I still get teary and wistful thinking about the precious baby that we lost. And I sometimes still feel angry, frustrated and question "Why us?" I wish no one ever had to go through this devastating experience.

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I had seen a gynecologist on February 9th who was referring me to a fertility specialist. I called the Fertility Clinic today and they have no record of the referral. So, I need to call the gynecologist back and ask them to fax the clinic. I imagine it will take several months to get an appointment with them and I'm not getting any younger!

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I made an appointment for next week with a Naturopath who specializes in fertility issues. I think she will probably make nutrition and lifestyle recommendations. She also uses a lot of acupuncture and homeopathy in her practice. I imagine she will also recommend some supplements for me to take. I am doing everything I can think of now, so Mr. Pharmasaur and I have agreed to take these next steps.

I will continue to use my CBFM, chart on FF including my BBT, and do the BD every other day (at least!) until my O is confirmed by FF.

Any other tips you can share that helped you to conceive would be most welcomed!

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A little reflection & a lot of cramps

I've got the AF blues. Yep, she struck again, and this time has been a doozy! I have cramps like you wouldn't believe & I'm so thankful for extra strength Tylenol. Usually they only last a day, so hopefully I'll be feeling more like myself come tomorrow. The cramps seem much worse this month than normal. I'm not sure if it's because I can usually take a "sick day" and lounge around till they pass, but today I was at church all morning....or if it's one of the effects of being on clomid for the last 3 months that has messed with me.

I'm ready to be done with this medication, that's for sure. My cycles have evened out a bit since the first couple of crazy ones when I started clomid. The meds seem to be hindering me more than helping. My CM is not normal at all, so FF has a hard time registering that I've ovulated. I've never had that problem before I started the meds. I decided awhile ago that clomid was as far as I would go with any medical help in ttc. From now on, I just want to be my normal self, pregnancy or no pregnancy.

I've been going through some different emotions lately when it comes to ttc. I've been reflecting on my life this past week for a couple of reasons. First of all, it's been almost 2 years since my husband returned from Afghanistan. Back then I thought for sure by now we'd have another child...boy was I wrong. We've had 23 months of this roller coaster, and as I'm sure you realize, it doesn't get easier the longer you try. The other aspect of life that I've been reflecting on is that I'm getting ready to turn 30 next month. Thinking back to when my daughter was an infant & toddler, I thought for sure I'd have at least one more child by the time I reached 30. My thoughts about what size our family would be have shifted dramatically since I was 25 years old. It makes me wonder where I'll be at 35, and whether it's worth it to keep up with ttc or if we should focus on life as a family of 3 for the long term. I just don't know...

To top it all off, I'm surrounded by pregnant ladies, babies, and baby stuff regularly...so it's difficult to get this off my mind. It's hard to just not think about it, when that's the stage of life that I'm in. I don't work outside the home, so I don't have anything to distract me from home and family life. Not that I want anything to distract me from my primary job, but thinking of having more children seems to come along with the territory.

I'm hoping & praying for consistent peace in this arena of my life soon. One thing I do know is that it's possible. Lord have mercy on me.