She has arrived!

Yes, our beautiful baby GIRL (it's a girl!!!) arrived this past weekend. We couldn't be more in love with her if we tried.

I cannot believe it's been a month since I last posted on Pregosaur. I'm sorry for my silence, ladies, but the bed rest was getting to me and I really didn't feel like I had much to add to the blog. Mentally, I was just exhausted from thinking about all the medical information being thrown our way, and did not feel like writing about it...

Long story short, I started getting ultrasound monitoring (which still showed zero amniotic fluid, but growth on target), a fetal echo test, and daily home visits from ante-natal nurses (they did non-stress tests) starting in my 24th week. The nurses were optimistic and told me to hang in there. The doctors were mostly doom and gloom, preparing us for the worst.

We had a couple of labour scares, but we were able to complete a round of steroids in my 25th week.

And then the BIG EVENT happened on Sunday, November 8, 2009. Our daughter was born after 26 weeks, 1 day gestation.

My labour was pretty quick, which I understand is normal for pre-term babies. The evening before she was born, I started getting lots of pelvic pressure and I felt like the baby had dropped. I had talked to the nurse about it, but because I was not exhibiting any other symptoms of labour, she was unconcerned. I went to bed at my usual time, around 10:00 pm, and I slept well.

At 3:00 am, I woke up to pee and started feeling a backache and menstrual type cramps that were coming and going. After lying there for about 45 minutes, I woke up Mr. Legalosaur and got him to help me time them. We timed them for another 45 minutes or so, when it became obvious that they were coming and going every 4 minutes very predictably. Despite the fact that I was not having any contractions in the front pelvic region, we thought it best to go to the hospital to get assessed.

So we hopped in the car and made our way to the hospital. When I got there, the nurse hooked me up to the non-stress machine and walked away. The pains were now coming and going every 3 minutes. But there were no contractions showing up on the monitoring strip. I am no medical expert, but I had seen enough monitor strips over the few weeks previous that I could tell that the baby's heartrate was dipping every time I had one of my labour pains. Yet, they just let me sit there and wait.

I could tell the nurse did not believe I was truly in labour and thought that I was being a big baby. They had me sit on the monitor for almost an hour before the resident finally came in to see me. And that was only after I started vomiting that the nurse started to take me seriously and went to go get the resident.

A quick speculum check showed that I was already at 6 cm. (Turns out I had back labour only, which means no contractions showing up on the monitor!) The resident said, "I can see lots of black hair."

And that's when chaos broke out in my little assessment room. Suddenly there was a flurry of activity. Four nurses swooped in and started putting in my IV, filling out paperwork, adjusting my bed for transport, etc. I was very scared at that point, and in pain, so I don't really remember much of this point. I know I asked if I could get something for the pain, and they answered that I could...

They did another check of my cervix just 10 minutes later, and at that point I was at 9 cm. And they freaked out that I had progressed so quickly. The NICU team was called down stat, and I was wheeled away to the delivery room in the OR.

As I was being wheeled to the OR, I asked again about pain medication. I was told no, there was no time, we needed to get this baby out now. While I am not averse to the idea of a natural labour, I had intended to have some idea of how to breathe and focus, how to push, what to do... But I didn't have a clue. I wasn't ready. I was reeling from the idea that we were having our baby NOW and I wasn't ready for it. I really, truly thought we'd make it to at least 28 weeks.

In the OR suite, Mr. Legalosaur met with me after changing into scrubs and a fancy hairnet-shower-cap thingy. They put my legs into the air, and then I was told to push. And so push I did. It was painful, but not as painful as it could have been given my baby's tiny size. Really, the worst part was the resident pulling and stretching open my perineum so that there was lots of room for the baby to come out with minimal trauma. I think it took about 5 "episodes" of pushing (you push three or four quickly successive times when a contraction comes), about 15 minutes total, and our child was born.

They quickly cut her cord and rushed her over to the waiting NICU team. I heard one weak cry, and that was it. They didn't even tell me if I had a son or a daughter. I had to ask the ob-gyn to go check and let me know. She came back and told us it's a girl... and I remember thinking "A daughter! Our daughter." but mostly I was dying to see or hear her. And I was worried to death that she didn't survive the birth or was not going to live before I could feel her and touch her.

Sadly, the whole thing was such a whirlwind and we forgot our camera in the car. By the time we remembered and wanted to run down and get it, there was no time because baby was coming NOW. So all we have of our daughter's first hours of life are a couple of cell phone pictures on Mr. Legalosaur's blackberry. We had discussed previously that he should accompany her to the NICU, being that I would have to spend some time in recovery. If she did end up passing away, I didn't want her to pass on without a parent there. Luckily, he felt the same way.

I had to stay in the OR to deliver the placenta and to monitor my bleeding. I was there for almost an hour after the birth until I was finally put into a wheelchair and wheeled to my room on the recovery ward. Then they had to do vital monitoring, go through aftercare, and the nurse wanted me to go to bathroom with her watching to make sure that all was well down there. And then they forced me to eat breakfast before they would wheel me to the NICU, so I ate my food in record time and paged the nurse to take me up to see my baby girl.

The first time I saw her was almost two hours after she was born. I dissolved into tears at how tiny and fragile she looked. The neonatologist told me a bunch of stuff about her lungs and condition, but I don't really remember what she said now...

Turns out the likely reason for my early labour (aside from the premature rupture of my membranes) was infection. My placenta had areas of pus and infection on it.

Today, our little baby girl is doing amazingly well considering her prematurity (*knock on wood*). She is tiny, but feisty. She's proven to be the fighter I always knew she was, all throughout the pregnancy. When she grips my finger in the NICU, I cannot help but think that she would not be here if we had decided to terminate our pregnancy when my water broke at 20 weeks. I am soooo glad that we made the decision to wait and see what the future would bring. She is our miracle, the light of our lives. I treasure and cherish every moment I get to spend with her, and wouldn't trade them for the world.

And with that, this will be my last post on Pregosaur. I have decided that I have too much on my plate to go on and post on Littlesaur, as much as I would like to share my experience as a NICU parent. But I know I need to focus all my attention and energy on our daughter, and so that's what I'm going to do.

Thank you to all the readers for your thoughts, support and encouragement throughout my pregnancy. I will check back and see how the rest of the Pregosaurs are doing from time to time, and cheer you all on from the sidelines. Good luck to you all!

Frustrations

Still here, still waiting. I'm 23 weeks and 1 day (woooo!) and it's officially 3 weeks since my water broke.

We are fighting hard. The neonatologist told us the absolute earliest they would intervene and try to save our baby is if (a) they are 23.5 weeks or more when born, and (b) they weigh 500g or more.

So we're almost there with the 23.5 week threshold (although I'd REALLY prefer for this baby not to be born before 28 weeks, but definitely NOT in October!!).

Sadly, I have no idea how much this baby weighs, so that's a bit of a wild card. Even though the "weekly development" calendar at BabyCenter says this baby weighs over a pound (which is GOOD), I know it really can vary so much at this stage. So, I'm just trying to eat lots of fruit and sweet things along with my healthy food, because I know that babies of diabetic tend to be a little bigger because of the increased blood sugars. Nobody coached me on this, it is just something I came up with on my own. I just hope I don't make myself diabetic from doing this...

Despite fighting hard and trying to keep positive, it has not been easy. Over the past week, I have been in tears numerous times. Mostly because I feel like the perinatology (high-risk) clinic at our local hospital has been giving me the run around (they were!), which completely frustrated me. And a decrease of movement by the babe over the Thanksgiving long weekend really had me worried too.

Luckily, I have found a lifeline. There's a nurse practitioner ("NP") at the high-risk clinic who ended up getting in contact with me this past week and she's been AMAZING so far, even in such a short period of time. We talked for a long while, as I've been very frustrated dealing with all the different doctors and specialists. It seems like each has a differing opinion, and I'm not sure who to listen to. It seems like all I'm doing is spinning my wheels at appointments with subsequent doctors, who pooh-pooh the advice given by the previous one. And then no concrete plan of action can be made. Some are so harsh about our baby's chances at life, that they are very dismissive of any of our concerns and questions. The rage and helplessness I feel at times is unreal. The NP was able to clarify many of the discrepancies, give Mr. Legalosaur and I some really good information, and we're now much more comfortable that our concerns are being addressed.

The NP also asked me to come in on Thursday for a check-up just to assess the slow down in the baby's activity. Luckily, all seems fine, baby is just moving in a different way now than before. He/she was kicking the doppler wand, which is a good sign, and the NP even felt him/her kick from the outside. She said anytime we want to hear our baby's heartbeat or have any concern at all, just give her a call and drop by. Having this lifeline is such a relief, you have no idea - I am starting to realize more and more than my ob-gyn is complete rubbish.

Unfortunately, I did have some contractions on Wednesday night, starting around 9:30 pm and going until about 4:00 am. Just one strong one every half hour or so, enough to wake me from my sleep, and a constant low backache. It was very scary. They seem to have disappeared when I awoke on Thursday morning, which had us breathing one HUGE sigh of relief. Let's hope they stay away. We need to keep this baby baking MUCH longer!!

Finally, we have something to look forward to... I have an ultrasound and a fetal echo appointment scheduled at the perinatal (high-risk) clinic for October 28th. And we'll be having a nurse come to our house daily starting in my 24th week, to do vitals monitoring and a fetal non-stress test. So, finally, we won't just be sitting around and waiting anymore. We'll be getting some medical monitoring as well, which will help me put my mind at ease a little more.

So, we're back to playing the waiting game. I'm sorry if my thoughts in this post are jumbled, but I kindof feel like my life is all a jumble as well.

Hanging on...

Thank you to everyone for your comments on my last post. As you may remember, Mr. Legalosaur and I made the decision not to terminate our pregnancy and instead we will "wait and see".

And here we are, two weeks after my membranes rupturing. We are still waiting. We are trying to be as strong as we can right now. It still feels like a miracle every time I hear the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler, or feel a particularly strong kick. But I am still leaking amniotic fluid - I feel like every little bit of fluid this baby makes I am letting leak out of me, and it kills me to know this. Tears spring to my eyes so easily these days - tears of relief, fear, happiness and overwhelming emotion.

It is a miracle that we have made it this far. I was terrified of going into labour within a week of my membranes rupturing, as so many women do. I am so grateful and thankful to make it this far. But, I am still only in my 22nd week of pregnancy. We need to make it to at least 24 weeks before the doctors will intervene and give this baby the best chance at life that it can get. While I am desperate to make it to 24 weeks, I'm even more desperate to make it to 28 weeks to give this baby the best chance at life as possible.

So, while I try to take it day-by-day (to make the mountain of time in front of me seem less like an insurmountable mountain) two weeks more to wait does feel like an eternity. Taking it day-by-day makes it easier on me. If I don't let myself think about numbers and statistics and weeks, it is easier to cope.

This weekend is Thanksgiving in Canada. There are moments where I feel extremely bitter and think that I have nothing to be thankful for. However, I know that is not true. Our baby is still alive. Infection has stayed away this far. We have made it to two week post-PPROM. We have the support of so many wonderful family and friends, and even strangers on the internet. These are all things to be thankful for.

Today, as my family brings over Thanksgiving dinner to our house (because I am still on strict bedrest and cannot go anywhere except doctor's appointments), I will try to focus on what I have to be thankful for today, and bury my fears for the future until tomorrow.

The beginning of the end...

This past Sunday my water broke – at 20 weeks and 1 day – and we ended up at Labour & Delivery until Monday evening. What I happened to us is called PPROM, or preterm premature rupture of membranes.

I cannot even begin to describe how difficult, painful and confusing the past few days have been. Everything has been completely out of our comfort zone, and we are terrified about what the future holds for us and our baby. I'm not even sure where to start with all of this, so bear with me. This post is going to be so long. . .

I started experiencing contractions on Sunday, and gradually throughout the day they were getting worse. I had spoken to my doctor, and we were preparing to go to the hospital when my water broke. It was while I was sitting on the toilet for one last pee before heading out to the car. My contractions completely stopped after my water broke.

The good news is that our baby is still alive. The bad news is that there is absolutely NO amniotic fluid left inside of me anymore. Every time I stand up to go pee, what little fluid has replenished itself leaks out again.

We met with a perinatologist at the high-risk clinic on Monday. While they tried to be as sympathetic as possible, the news is not good. Basically, chances are "slim to none" of having a live, relatively healthy baby after all of this. Upon prodding to put a number to such a fluffy proclamation, they told us less than 10%.

We were given one of two options by the perinatologist: (1) terminate this pregnancy by inducing labour now or soon-ish; or (2) waiting and seeing what the future brings, which will likely bring either death or significant disability. Debating the options was agonizing. Not only did I want to make a decision that sat well with me personally, but I wanted to make sure that Mr. Legalosaur's wishes were also taken into consideration. I was so devastated and sleep-deprived that what the doctor was saying to me didn't make much sense. I must have sounded like a complete idiot, but I had to get him to repeat things over and over again because I couldn't keep anything straight in my head.

Here's what I now understand from our appointment with the perinatologist. . . Right now, I could go into labour at any moment. Labour before 24 weeks means certain death for our baby, as they will not intervene or resuscitate. Even if we can hold on until 24 weeks and 1 day (most women go into labour within 1 week of their membranes rupturing, although it is not unusual for women to hold on for 4-6 weeks after rupture at 20 weeks, it is not common), the first thing they will do is weigh the baby. If the baby weighs less than 500g, they will not intervene or resuscitate. If the baby is between 500g and 750g, they will make an evaluative decision based on the baby's responsiveness.

Best is if we can hang on to 25 weeks, and have a baby that weighs over 750g. But even if we make it to this benchmark, there is pretty much a 70% probability that this baby will die soon after birth due to pulmonary issues that are caused by a lack of fluid. Fluid is necessary for the baby to breathe in to help mature the lungs. Without fluid, the lungs are tiny and hard and will not be able to expand and fill with air. So, while other babies born at 25 weeks may be able to breathe after getting steroid shots, ours might not because he or she would have spent 5 crucial weeks of development without the benefit of fluid.

We also need to be concerned for infection. Fluid is crucial to protect the baby from infection. Not only can infection be fatal to the baby, but because it can also be very dangerous to me.

And, finally, if we are so lucky to fit in the small number of babies that survive after birth, there was a laundry list of disabilities that were listed off to us as likely or probable: club feet and hands, deformities to the head, brain damage and mental retardation, cerebral palsy, blindness, deafness, etc.

After much discussion and soul-searching, Mr. Legalosaur and I have decided to wait and see. This baby has been such a fighter throughout this whole pregnancy. To induce labour now and sign this baby's death certificate does not sit right with us personally. We were told over and over again by the doctors that we need to make the right decision for us, and not to worry about what other people would think or would do. We also need to make sure that if we do want to wait and see, and the baby survives, that we think about the lifetime of medical appointments and disabilities that we would have to deal with. Are we ready as a couple to care for a child with demanding medical needs? I don't know – this is not something you seriously consider when you look at each other and decide to start a family. What I do know is that I could never live with myself if I let this little fighter go. Luckily, Mr. Legalosaur feels the same way.

I am not ready to say good-bye to this little one, not yet.

A couple of things that completely threw me for a loop. First, apparently PPROM is quite common where a woman has had continuous bleeding in a pregnancy. I had no idea. Secondly, if this baby dies in utero and is born still before 25 weeks, it is possible that they will not be able to tell us whether the baby is a boy or a girl. What happens, I guess, is that the baby's body gets dehydrated and babies look very similar at this stage. We had chosen not to find out the gender of the baby because we wanted a surprise. Unfortunately, if you tell the ultrasound tech you do not want to know the gender, they do not even look for it in your scan, and they take no pictures of the baby's sex organs. So, despite my desperately wanting to know NOW what this baby is, there is no way for us to find out. We will just have to hope that if he or she is born still that we will be able to see the gender. It breaks me apart to think that we may have lost our chance to know whether this is our son or our daughter.

We will meet with a neonatologist next week to discuss in more detail what types of preemie issues we might be dealing with, in addition to the specific issues that will arise from the lack of fluid.

If you have made it this far, thank you. I may sound fairly coherent in this post, but the reality is that I am broken and I can never be repaired. I have cried buckets full of tears. On the one hand I am trying to cling to some hope that we will beat the odds and be one of the success stories. On the other hand, the realist in me is preparing for the death of our child and we are exploring burial options. And yet another side of me is trying to research as much possible so I understand the disabilities that we may be facing if this baby proves to be the fighter that he or she has been throughout this whole pregnancy. We are scrambling to buy some micro preemie outfits, because even if our baby is born dead or dies soon thereafter, I do not want him or her to be naked.

This all just feels like a bad dream that I cannot wake up from. Mostly I ask myself "why me, why us, why our baby?" I feel like I'm being punished for something, but I'm not sure what. I am so angry at my body for failing this baby. Unfortunately, I don't think there are any answers or any comfort that I can find in this situation.

I'll keep you updated as and when I can, but I don't know how often that will be. Pray for us, we need all the help we can get.

An ultrasound and a bonus...

Last week, I had my "big" ultrasound. I'm not sure why I didn't post about it sooner, but just haven't really felt like it because I've been in a bit of a funk this past week due to my last post.

Anyways, I am back to feeling better about things. Hopeful for the future and all that jazz. The sadness still bubbles up from time to time, but it is not as raw.

So, here's a pic of our lil baby Legalosaur from our big ultrasound, who so obviously has his/her father's profile that it makes me ache.



I mean, DUDE! I am carrying around a miniature of my husband in my ute right now. That just makes me feel weird and yet closer to him, all at once. *lol* The ultrasound tech didn't say much about the baby's anatomy, but mentioned that everything looked normal to her. We didn't find out the gender, we're going for the BIG surprise at delivery.

The bonus I mentioned in the subject line of this blog post? I've started feeling movement. Finally! It started in my 18th week. I was *pretty* sure what I was feeling was movement, but then I kept doubting myself... I mean, I've been convincing myself that what I've been feeling for so long is gas, maybe I'm still feeling gas?

No, it's quite clear to me as I sailed through my 19th week that what I was feeling is definitely little ninja kicks from within. They are not strong enough for Mr. Legalosaur to feel, but there's no mistaking them. Being that my placenta is anterior, I was not really expecting to feel movement until after 20 weeks, probably closer to 23-24 weeks.

And today, I'm at 20 weeks. This is a major milestone for me, like 12 weeks was. There were times I didn't think I'd make it here. I'd talk myself off the ledge by repeating - over and over again - just make it to 20 weeks. Make it to 20 weeks, and everything will be okay.

And here I stand, at 20 weeks. I have arrived. It feels good. I AM HALF-WAY THERE. I can breathe.

My next big milestone date is 27 weeks. Because at 27 weeks, if this baby were to be born early, he or she would have a 90% survival rate. Would there be issues, oh definitely. Likelihood of brain damage and other preemie issues, absolutely. But our baby would be alive. And that gives me comfort.

That's it for me. I'm off to drink some orange juice with my iron pill, and then lie on my side to enjoy some more kicks!

Due date

Today is my due date. My due date for our first pregnancy that ended with a miscarriage in March this year.

I've thought about our first baby so much over the past few months. It's so hard not to count how far along I would have been, to imagine my belly full and ready to pop, to remember the love and the innoncence I had in that pregnancy. It's hard to not remember the significance of today...

Today. Today is hard. I actually started writing this blog post soon after I woke up this morning, before speaking to anyone. And I felt okay, actually. Yes, today is our due date, but that pregnancy was not meant to be. That baby was not meant to be held in my arms, to be kissed, to smile and laugh...

But then Mr. Legalosaur called me from work, to ask me how I'm doing. And the tears started flowing. I could hear the pain and sadness in his voice, and that made the tears come faster and harder. And they haven't yet stopped. I actually had to phone my mum and ask her not to come to visit today (she comes every weekday, with food for me and to walk the dogs while I'm on bed rest) because I just want to be alone. Alone with Mr. Legalosaur - who is coming home - and my thoughts.

Image credits.

No new pregnancy will ever replace one that is lost. Babies are not like toys or power tools, they are not replaceable. Each baby is unique. Each baby leaves a stamp on your heart.

I will always treasure the memories I have of our first pregnancy. No pregnancy will ever be the same after the loss that we experienced. Everything in my life will be a different colour because of that experience. I gained an exclusive membership to a club of women that I never knew existed, that I never wanted to be a part of. Life has a funny way of giving you things you don't want, I guess...

To the little one we lost in March, I want you to know you are loved by your Mummy and Daddy very much. We have never forgotten you, we never will. Each year, on the 21st day of September, we will think of you and how old you should have been that year. Our hearts will ache as we think of the first tooth you should have cut, but didn't. The first steps you should have taken, but didn't. The first day of school you should have attended, but didn't. So many firsts, that you will never experience. I wish it could have turned out differently.

People tell us, "It wasn't meant to be". These words used to hurt, a lot. It doesn't hurt as much now, because I've come to acceptance and I know it wasn't meant to be. But that knowledge doesn't stop the love that a mother feels for her child. And it certainly doesn't stop the tears from coming today, on the day you should have been born.

I love you, little one.

Status quo

I've been meaning to post an update, not that I have much of an update to provide since my last post.

Image source.

I'm still bleeding (more like spotting, but it hasn't let up in about a month and a half now).

I'm still on bed rest.

I outed my pregnancy on my personal blog, finally.

I am 18 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Almost half-way there.

I've been catching up on a lot of reading and watching a lot of tennis on the telly.

I don't miss work at all. Not one bit.

And that's my update. Not very exciting, I know, but I'm just glad that the bleeding is not getting any worse than it is now, my belly is popping, and I *hope* that this baby is still thriving.

This week, I've got an OBGYN appointment on Thursday. Hopefully she'll have the results from my last ultrasound by now...

Aaaaaaaaaaaand, on FRIDAY, we have our "big ultrasound".

Image source.

I'm excited to see our little babe on the ultrasound screen again. See how s/he has grown and how his/her movements are different from our last ultrasound. Mr. Legalosaur and I are fairly certain that we will not be finding out the sex (I think the temptation might be too much for me to bear, because I really want to know, but I also really want the surprise...!).

In other news, how EXCITING is Bibliosaur's news!!?!? Woman, you have no idea how happy I am for you. How excited... How TERRIFIED! You are a beautiful mommy already, in my eyes.

No answers, more waiting...

Well, I had my OBGYN appointment. My first meeting with this doctor, who will take over my prenatal care from this point forward.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand she didn't have a copy of my latest ultrasound report. And for some reason, couldn't get it while I was there. Which means... no answers. And more waiting.

So totally anti-climactic. I was really hoping for some answers. She made me feel a little silly by saying that even if they were able to pinpoint a reason for the bleeding, I wouldn't be treated any differently. The commonly accepted treatment for bleeding is bed rest. Which is what I continue to do.

I dunno, am I silly for wanting to know what's causing this bleeding? Especially the hemorrhage I had that sent me to the Emerg in an ambulance??

The silver lining is that she seemed really nice (if not a little rushed, but I think I was her last appointment before lunch) and she didn't mention the dreaded word "miscarriage", not once. In fact, she seemed quite positive this pregnancy can and will progress normally since the baby has been growing on target to date and his/her heartbeat is nice and strong. I feel so relieved every time I hear our baby's heartbeat on the Doppler...

And so, I wait. For another two weeks until I have to see her again.

Fingers crossed the bleeding stops!!

Like a fat kid in front of a donut...

Today, I am excited. Yup, I'm like a fat kid in front of a donut, just waiting for the green light to eat it.

Image source.

Okay, okay, so maybe my analogy doesn't really work all that well, but it's all that's popping into my head at the moment.

You see, today is my much awaited for OBGYN appointment. I'm still bleeding, and I'm totally anxious for some answers. In fact, I've bled pretty much every day of this 4th month of pregnancy... and some women enjoy not getting their period while pregnant... BAH!

I had stress dreams all night about this OBGYN appointment. I don't know if I'm going to get any answers (like, can they confirm that I do indeed have placenta previa), or if I'm going to be sorely disappointed and not get any comfort. Will I stay on bed rest, or will it be back to work for me? Will she be nice, or will she be pretty much like every other medical professional I've seen (with the exception of my family doctor) who will utter the dreaded words... "miscarriage"?

I'm 17 weeks pregnant on Saturday people. The most pregnant I have ever been. I love this baby. Mr. Legalosaur loves this baby. If I have to hear the word "miscarriage" one more time flippantly flying out of a doctor's mouth without a second thought, I will SCREAM.

I don't know how today's appointment will go, but I will find out in two hours. And I think I'll procure my-bed-rested-self a donut afterward, somehow, because I've never met a donut that I didn't really enjoy. Donuts make everything better.

Things can always get worse, I guess

I have to warn you now, this post is going to be incredibly long and I apologize for that. But so much has happened since I last posted, and I want to get this all down so, hopefully, I don't drown you with the outpouring of words about to follow this precautionary introduction.

This pregnancy has been, quite possibly, the WORST pregnancy one could ever wish on a woman who has been through a miscarriage. It would be difficult for someone who hasn't been through a miscarriage. I feel like I've been going through emotional hell... and it's only getting more difficult as time goes on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to be pregnant. I celebrate that my body has the capacity to create and carry life, for whatever length of time. I celebrate that this baby is such a fighter and is still with me (when you read the story below, you'll know what I mean).

But I feel despondent. I am losing hope. I just don't see how I can continue on this path and have a healthy baby at the end of it all. My body is betraying me and failing my baby. I feel like I am fast approaching my wits end with no answers, and I'm just supposed to put on a brave face and pretend like I'm delighted to be expecting right now... when in reality I'm scared shitless that I'm going to fail this baby, fail my husband, fail my family, and fail myself.

When I last posted on this blog, I was having moderate spotting. Which resolved itself and we had a textbook wonderful ultrasound. And I thought things might be looking up.

Well, on Tuesday last week, quite suddenly and overnight, I started bleeding. Bright red. Quite heavy (soaking through an overnight pad one every two hours). No clots, but definitely enough for me to get back on the emotional rollercoaster of worry, tears, and "why me?'s".

So I went and saw my doctor, she found the heartbeat, sent me for yet another ultrasound (this is u/s #4 of this pregnancy, by the way). I had that u/s on Friday, August 21st. The tech didn't really tell me anything. As far as he was concerned, there was no reason for the bleeding.

Slowly, the bleeding dried up. As of the Saturday, there was only dark brown bleeding when I wiped. I was told by my doctor that being on bed rest really won't accomplish anything at this point, and that bed rest is really only appropriate for women in their 20th week and beyond. I was told that it was nothing I did that caused the bleeding, that I should just live my life but try not to do anything too strenuous.

Okay then. They are doctors, you have to trust them.

So, I had a pretty busy day on that Saturday. I didn't do anything strenuous, but I did walk around a fair bit and was out of the house most of the day. I feel into bed exhausted on Saturday night. But grateful that things were looking up and there was barely any spotting anymore.

And I woke up Sunday morning -- August 23, 2009, a day I will never forget-- to, literally, a geyser of bright red blood and clots gushing out of me down there. It was as if somebody severed one of my arteries and it was literally pumping out of me with the same force of my heart beating. This was no ordinary bleeding, this was a full-on hemorrhage.

I wasn't even really awake at this point, but I jumped out of bed and ran for the bathroom, all the while cupping my hands underneath my underwear to catch the blood as it ran down my legs, through my fingers, and spattered all over our bed linens and carpet.

When I made it into the bathroom, I must have let go of my hands because there was blood everywhere. I sat on the toilet while the blood still gushed. And I screamed for Mr. Legalosaur, who had fallen asleep downstairs on the couch.

I can only imagine the scene that greeted him. I'm sure it was like a bad horror movie. I was hysterically numb, if that makes any sense.... I was just sitting on the toilet with blood all over my legs, my hands, the floor, just repeating over and over again "I don't know what happened, what's happening to me." When I tried to stand up, I saw white and almost passed out. I fell back onto the toilet. Mr. Legalosaur told me not to move and called 911.

The ambulance came. They took me to emergency. Except for one slightly hysterical crying fit, I was remarkably calm. I was quite dizzy and faint. I lost, all told, about 500ml (or more) of blood. (I'm sure it was more after seeing the aftermath...)

All the emergency did was give me an IV since I lost so much blood, run some blood tests to see if my hemoglobin was low (which, amazingly, it's not), did an extremely uncomfortable internal exam (yes, my cervix is still closed) and find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. And that... was... it...

I was told that I'm having a threatened abortion (which means nothing really, because any sort of bleeding during pregnancy is a threatened abortion), to take it easy, and maybe I'll just be one of those women who bleeds throughout her whole pregnancy, or maybe I'll miscarry again. Oh, but don't worry, because miscarriages are common and it's nothing I did wrong. Le sigh.

It took poor DH almost 3 hours to clean our bedroom, hallway and bathroom. The carpets are forever ruined, because the blood dried by the time he was able to get home and scrub and steam-clean them.

I've seen my family doctor twice in the past week - I have low blood pressure and a fast heartrate, due to the blood loss I've had. I was supposed to be in her care until 20 weeks, but being that this pregnancy just got a whole lot more complicated, I'm seeing the OBGYN now in Thursday. I don't know if the OBGYN will be able to give me any more answers, but it will give me some comfort to be in the hands of a specialist. My family doctor is convinced I have placenta previa, because that's the only thing that can cause a hemorrhage of the magnitude that I had on Sunday.

And I had yet another ultrasound this week too (number 5!) just to see if they can figure out what's causing the bleeding. And so far it hasn't told us anything else except that the babe's growth is still very much on target and the heartbeat is nice and strong. I was hoping it would confirm the placenta previa, but so far it hasn't because my family doc hasn't yet gotten the radiologist's report.

Aaaaaand, the kicker, I've been put on bed rest until the end of September, likely longer depending on what's going on. So, no laundry, no vacuuming, no groceries, no walking the dogs... nada. I'm allowed to be up for 15 minutes at a time, but very light activities only and I'm not allowed to break a sweat. It's been one week of bed rest so far, and I'm doing okay. I have a feeling that if I have to stay on bed rest for the rest of this pregnancy, it could get very old, very fast.

I've been terrified to go to sleep at night, because my bleeding always seems to happen when I go to sleep. I was terrified that something like this would happen at work, or while I'm driving, so at least the bed rest is bringing some comfort. How would I deal with all the blood? I didn't know it was possible to bleed as much as I did... And what if I pass out while driving?

Mostly I'm just so worried that I'm depriving our baby and he/she won't make it. Like I said, that fact that he/she is still with us is a testament to what a fighter our baby is... but I wish it could be an easier road for all involved.

After our miscarriage, however, I simply cherish each and every day that this little babe and I get to spend together. It's something special to me, and each day gets us closer to viability. And that's a very good thing.

The rollercoaster that is my life

Well, it's been 10 days since the very happy and celebratory post where I finally let my guard down and allowed myself to say "We're having a baby".

And so the gods decided to smack me back on my ass and make me pay for those 4 little words. After three blissful days of finally enjoying this pregnancy and believing that everything is going to be okay, I awoke to pink spotting and major cramps on Sunday morning.

I read my trusty Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, which said any spotting that continued for 24h or more in the 13th week is cause for concern. In fact, any duration of spotting accompanied by cramps was cause for concern. And so I was concerned.

My doctor was able to squeeze me in on Monday afternoon, just so we could hear the heartbeat and put myself at ease. However, it didn't work out that way. She pulled out the Doppler and searched and searched for the heartbeat, but was unsuccessful. Being that I had heard it at her office not even a week earlier, I was really expecting to hear it.

I walked out of the office numb, to be honest. I had flashbacks to our miscarriage all over again, but rather than let myself freak out I just went numb. The silver lining is that the doctor's office was able to phone and pull some strings (or perhaps it was just pure luck on the timing of the call), and get me an ultrasound for the next afternoon, on the Tuesday. Being that ultrasounds are extremely difficult to get where I live, I was so thankful that I didn't have to wait that long to know what was going on.

The 24 hour wait for my ultrasound was difficult. I really only cried once, when I spoke to Mr. Legalosaur on the phone to explain what was going on. I don't think he appreciates how I feel when I explain to him how I feel like a failure when I contemplate the fact that we might be facing a miscarriage again, but he is wonderful and supportive. And I need him for this, and couldn't ask for more.

I showed up at the ultrasound place with a knot in my stomach. Mr. Legalosaur was there to be my chauffeur and hold my hand. When my name was called, I was whisked away to the back, while he had to wait out in the front. I was told to change into a gown and then wait in a second waiting room. Finally the tech came and got me, and we went into the ultrasound suite.

After explaining my history, especially emphasizing the miscarriage, she took a quick peek and immediately told me that there was a healthy heartbeat. I was so relieved. I wanted to rush out and tell Mr. Legalosaur that everything was okay, because I didn't want him sitting out there worrying for any longer than necessary. But the tech took her sweet time getting all the measurements. She said that the baby was extremely active so it was making it hard for her to get all the measurements she needed.

Finally, after a grand total of about 30 minutes after being taken to the back, the tech went and got Mr. Legalosaur from the waiting area. I knew from how long he had been waiting out there, that he would think the worst because he had to wait similarly long for the ultrasound confirming out miscarriage. When he came in, I could see the worry on his face. I told him immediately that the baby was okay.

The tech gave us a peek of our babe, and here he/she is:



It's amazing what our baby was doing. The babe was kicking, jerking like it had the hiccups, moving its arms around, and even sucking a thumb at one point. The ultrasound report said the baby is actually measuring ahead by about 4 days, looking to be at 14 weeks at that point.

What a sigh of relief. Because my placenta is anterior, it's actually very easy for the baby to hide from the Doppler, which is why we were not able to find the heartbeat at the doctor's office. Although the doctor couldn't find a source of the bleeding, it's still a relief to know that it was "normal" pregnancy bleeding, and there's nothing to worry about.

My spotting continued for about 4 days, at which point it began to decrease and then disappear altogether. Let's hope that it stays away, but I don't like seeing the blood, not at all!!

In other news, I'm 14 weeks, 2 days today (although, the babe is growing a bit bigger than that) and I'm showing. My bump is obvious now to strangers and friends alike. I'm loving sporting the bump, although I'm not loving all the stretching pain that is accompanied with this growth. Or the wicked heartburn that has been rearing its ugly head today. UGH. But, I figure since I'm petite, there's nowhere for the baby to go but out, so that's why I'm sporting the bump so soon.

And after this marathon of a post, I'm ready to sign off. And take a nap. Because I can!

We're having a baby.

I went to the doctor's office yesterday. I was 12 weeks and 5 days. And... it looks like we're having ... A BABY!!!

She was able to find the heartbeat with the Doppler pretty much right away. Our lil bean was pretty active in there, and was moving out of the way as soon as we found the heartbeat.

I cried tears of relief after leaving the office. I was, in fact, a blubbering idiot even when I phoned Mr. Legalosaur to tell him the good news. He thought something had gone wrong I was crying so hard.

When I saw him later in the day, I played him a sound recording I took of our baby's heartbeat. He grinned so wide, I thought he might break his face.

Ladies, for those of you who have gone (or are going) through a miscarriage, the emotional and physical aftermath is not easy. The subsequent TTC journey is not easy. The subsequent pregnancy is not easy. None of it is easy, because you cannot help but worry and wonder if it's going to happen to you again. But, chances are, a successful pregnancy will happen for you. There is hope. And really, after such a devastating loss, all you can hang on to is that hope.

Oink oink

I'm almost out of the first trimester, people!

Today I'm 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I think I'll choose the beginning of the 13th week as my "official" entry into the second trimester.

Aside: There's some debate about when the second trimester actually begins (ranging from the moment you hit 12 weeks, 13 weeks, 13 weeks 3 days, and some even say 14 weeks!). Yes, 13 weeks sounds good to me, which is also when you enter your 4th month of pregnancy.

Here are a few developmental highlights of the 12th week, from Babycenter:

The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder.

Meanwhile, nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in your baby's brain, synapses are forming furiously. His face looks unquestionably human: His eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over 2 inches long (about the size of a lime) and weighs half an ounce.

The size of a lime, eh?

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Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. Even if my boobs are the size of a large, ripe grapefruit... each of them... Yikes.

So, what did I do today to celebrate 12 weeks and 3 days of gestating?

No word of a lie, I ate 3 cupcakes that someone brought and left in our lunchroom to share.

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THREE CUPCAKES! WITHOUT BLINKING. I should be ashamed and embarrassed.

But you know what? I'm not. Actually, I'm still hungry.

Growwwwwwwwwwwwwly

The weirdest thing happened last night. My stomach actually growled so loudly that it woke me up from a deep sleep. At 3:00 am.

Is that not one of the silliest things you've ever heard of? It's almost as bad as tooting so loud in your sleep that you wake yourself up.

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I have noticed that lately I've been more hungry than I was earlier in this pregnancy.

However, the nausea and food aversions are still present, so this makes things tricksy. If I do not have a "second dinner" before I go to sleep, I will wake up at night very hungry and nauseated. I may even puke (yes, I did that on Monday night from this very thing!).

So, I'm thinking I'm just going to have to embrace my inner Hobbit and start forcing myself to have second dinner in addition to my second breakfast.

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Anyone want to help with forklifting me to the hospital at the end of this pregnancy? Because that's where it's headed, people!

A little pampering...

Today, I'm sitting on the couch with a laptop while I have a cleaning service scrubbing, dusting, vacuuming and steam cleaning my house. YAH BABY!

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I actually feel pretty good today, so I'm a little guilty that I'm splurging to pay a cleaning service to give the house a good once over. But I figure I deserve it today. After all, today we're 11 weeks, little baby bean! I hope you're fist pumping and flipping about in my tummy enjoying our down-time.

Reaching the 11th week is both happy and terrifying for me.

I think I'll get into the terrifying bit first, and end on a happier note. This week is terrifying because in the 11th week with our last pregnancy, that's when I started spotting. And that's when we had an ultrasound that gave us the devastating news that our baby had stopped developing and had died. It was a really, really difficult week. Especially when we were so close to our first prenatal appointment, and we were so excited to share our news with everyone. The pain was crushing, although with time it feels more like a distant memory and something I can talk about without crying now.

I have had stabs of fear that this week a similar traumatic event will happen, even though there's really no reason for it. I just try to push these thoughts out of my mind. No point on dwelling on things that are beyond my control. After all, I still have fairly strong all-day-sickness and fatigue. However, things are changing these days which is a new development. Now I have times where I feel completely human again, like my "old self". And that's a little scary for me, because that's how I felt last time (although I never had awful morning sickness last time like I do this time).

However, this week is happy too. I'm super excited about my first prenatal appointment (two days!). I cannot wait to hear our baby's heartbeat on a doppler, it's an experience I've been waiting for. Waiting for a very long time, it feels like. And I'm excited to start showing, which I think it not too far away. I have a pretty swollen belly as it is (bloat!), but I don't think that I'm truly "showing" yet. It's more a factor of my inner organs getting smooshed up to accommodate my growing uterus. But I don't think my uterus has popped out of the pelvic cavity yet, at least I can't feel it. And I'm pretty stoked about feeling better again, being able to eat like a normal, healthy human being (yes, I still have wicked food aversions), and getting my energy back. At least until the third trimester.

Yes, there's a lot to look forward to. But there's still quite a bit that I need to get past first. I think I will start to stop worrying so much about the baby and his/her development once I'm past the 12th week, into the second trimester.

Maybe it's not such a bad thing to pamper myself a little bit, since I'm still not feeling 100% and I have a lot on my mind. In fact, I made a little promise with myself, if we can hear the baby's heartbeat on Monday. I will treat myself to a pedicure, FINALLY. I haven't gotten one yet this summer, and my feet are dying for it.

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I'm not going to lie, though, part of me wants to continue the pampering today and just go get that pedicure NOW! (And no, my feet don't look that bad, PROMISE.) However, I'm a little superstitious and so I think I'll wait.

One quarter of the way there!

Today I am officially 10 weeks. That's right, one quarter of the way there! This is HUGELY exciting for me. Double digits people, I'm pumped.

I'm going based on how far along our ultrasounds said we were, not my due date based on the date of my last menstrual period. If I went with my LMP, I'd still be in the 9th week. But it sounds so much better to me to be in the 10th week, so here I am.

Here's a little excerpt from Babycenter about what the 10th week brings:

Though he's barely the size of a kumquat — a little over an inch or so long, crown to bottom — and weighs less than a quarter of an ounce, your baby has now completed the most critical portion of his development. This is the beginning of the so-called fetal period, a time when the tissues and organs in his body rapidly grow and mature.

He's swallowing fluid and kicking up a storm. Vital organs — including his kidneys, intestines, brain, and liver (now making red blood cells in place of the disappearing yolk sac) — are in place and starting to function, though they'll continue to develop throughout your pregnancy.

If you could take a peek inside your womb, you'd spot minute details, like tiny nails forming on fingers and toes (no more webbing) and peach-fuzz hair beginning to grow on tender skin.

In other developments: Your baby's limbs can bend now. His hands are flexed at the wrist and meet over his heart, and his feet may be long enough to meet in front of his body. The outline of his spine is clearly visible through translucent skin, and spinal nerves are beginning to stretch out from his spinal cord. Your baby's forehead temporarily bulges with his developing brain and sits very high on his head, which measures half the length of his body. From crown to rump, he's about 1 1/4 inches long. In the coming weeks, your baby will again double in size — to nearly 3 inches.

OMG, it feels so surreal to think that there's this little being inside of me, who's dancing and swallowing and has fuzzy hair already!

Overall, I'm feeling fairly good. My pregnancy to this point has not been terribly hard, but it hasn't really been a bed of roses either. Maybe roses with some thorns. *lol*

My all-day sickness (I refuse to call it morning sickness, because it really is with me all frickin' day!) is pretty much constantly present. The only time I don't feel ill is, surprisingly, when I first get up in the morning. I'm able to eat my oatmeal or cereal without any problem, and even down a glass of orange-peach-mango juice (LOVE IT!). But after eating, I feel nauseated and it sticks with me.

The worst time of day for me for my all-day sickness is late afternoon and into the evening. I pretty much cannot eat anything for dinner, because my food aversions make it impossible for me even think about food without gagging or vomiting. So, I just try to eat more of my food earlier in the day, and eat pretty lightly or not at all in the evening. The one thing I seem to be able to have all the time without being sick is ginger ale. But it has to be Canada Dry brand. Schweppes makes me SICK! Odd, huh?

I am finding the fatigue comes and goes now. Some evenings I can stay up until 10 pm with a few yawns. Other days, I am in bed at 8pm and still not ready to get up for work in the morning. But I'm having really fatigued days only about half of the time, compared to every single day a couple of weeks ago.

Since our BFP and especially more after our bleeding scare that ended us up in the ER, Mr. Legalosaur and I have not been interested in having marital relations due to fear that we could cause a miscarriage. Of course, we wanted to several times, but the fear always held us back. However, last night we took the plunge for the first time since getting our BFP and had sex. I have missed that closeness with him. And, so far, there's been no bleeding or spotting and I'm so glad for that. We were very gentle and I think that must have helped. I hope that this will become more regular for the rest of this pregnancy.

And, finally, I have allowed myself to do some SHOPPING for the baby! I figure I held off shopping with our last pregnancy for fear of jinxing it, and that didn't really help since we miscarried anyways. So this time I've been keeping my eyeballs peeled for good deals and I've been taking the plunge. So far I've bought some clothes, a nursing pillow, a sleep sack, a pearl-white knitted blanket, a bathtime baby support, 10 cloth diapers aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand (the biggest purchase and the one I'm most excited about!!) a gently used Phil & Ted's Vibe stroller with the doubles kit for 50% off retail from Kijiji!

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And despite my feeling more upbeat about this pregnancy these days and starting to get excited, I still don't feel like sharing so I haven't told anyone else that we're expecting. My parents and sister still don't know, but I still just don't feel like it's the right time to tell them, not yet...

So, that's it for me and my update! I have a doctors appointment next Monday - it's my first prenatal appointment at 11 weeks and 2 days. Let's hope the Doppler works for us!

Telling people

It is hard to explain, but I'm having trouble telling people about our pregnancy. Granted, we're just a couple of days shy of 9 weeks, but with our last pregnancy at this point I was ready to scream it from the rooftops. But this time, I'm holding on to our little secret for dear life. Clutching it to my chest and not letting go.

It's not that I don't have faith that this pregnancy will be successful, because I do. Sure, I still have my moments of absolute, paralyzing fear that something will go wrong. But I also realize that I cannot live my life in fear. That my past does not dictate my future. That my body is meant to do procreate, dammit, and so it will. I live day by day, one day at a time.

I've only told my two closest "in real life" friends, those two people who were there for me during our miscarriage, that we are pregnant again. And I told my boss after my spotting scare that ended us up in the ER a few weeks ago. I only told my boss because I ran outta work like a bat outta hell, and there was an urgent legal request that needed to be reassigned in case I wasn't back at work the next day. She knew about our miscarriage, and I figured she should know why I was leaving work in such a strop, not knowing when I might return.

But other than those 3 people, nobody else from my "real life" knows besides Mr. Legalosaur, of course. Not my sister, not my parents, not my in-laws, nobody. And for some reason I'm reluctant to share our news with all these other people. It just doesn't feel right. This is my pregnancy, my baby, and I want to keep him or her just for me and Mr. Legalosaur for a little while.

Like most bloggers or other quasi-computer-geeks, I have an online persona too. And a whole shwack of online friends who are not connected to my life in any way except for knowing each other through a blog or a message board. That's not to say that there are not some deep relationships that have arisen out of these acquaintances, because there have been. Some of my best friends are people I have met only once, or maybe not even at all.

And it's easier to share my news with my online friends, for so many reasons. Perhaps because so many of them are mothers themselves. Because they get me, and don't dismiss my concerns and tell me to just relax and enjoy my pregnancy. They're good at empathizing. They freak out when I freak out about the spotting. My anxiety over the next ultrasound is their anxiety. The strange twinges that I'm having in my abdomen, well they get sympathy pains too.

Mr. Legalosaur, on the other hand, he is not a quasi-computer-geek like me, he doesn't have online friends. But he wants to share our happy news with somebody, and so he does. With his "real life" friends. It is, of course, his news to share. Who am I to stop him? I'm glad he's excited about this next step into parenthood. I am glad that he's so happy that he wants to share it with people in his life. I'm just not there yet. I don't know when I will be.

I think part of it is that I'm not ready for congratulations. I don't feel like I've earned them yet. Maybe when we're in our second trimester and I can breathe a little easier, then I'll be ready for them.

I'm also not ready for people to be in my face, asking me all the questions, like how do I feel, whether I'll be returning to work, do we have names picked out, will I breastfeed, etc. To me, I just want to savour these final weeks of the baby being all ours, our little secret, that no one can tarnish with their well-meaning but annoying advice.

Our miscarriage plays a part in these feelings, I'm sure. It's not that I'm less happy about this pregnancy that I was with our first. I'm very happy, and I love my baby just as much as the first time. But I'm more protective, if that makes any sense. Protective even about our baby's existence, I guess.

We'll be 9 weeks this Saturday. In week 11 I have my first prenatal appointment where, hopefully, we can pick up a heartbeat on the Doppler. And hopefully then I'll start feeling like sharing with my family at the very least. But if I don't, I'm not going to beat myself up. Eventually, it will feel right. Or it will become obvious. And then the cat will be outta the bag.

Introducing... my blob

After what feels like the longest wait in the history of the world, Mr. Legalosaur and I finally got to have our ultrasound today. FINALLY.

And while it was slightly anti-climactic after all the nerves and waiting that led up to this much coveted day, I am still so glad that we got to see our little blob once again... with a very healthy heartbeat of 175 bpm!



Even better is that I was able to have this ultrasound abdominally, which greatly pleased me. I do NOT enjoy the dildo-cam. (Although if I'm being honest, I'm a little sad that we couldn't get a better picture of the blob which probably would have resulted from a visit from the dildo-cam.)

Ah, well! I'm just happy to know that today our little bean is alive. I can breathe a big sigh of relief with this knowledge.

Being that our first little bean died around the 8 week mark with our first pregnancy (a missed miscarriage), I was quite nervous about today's ultrasound. Making it past the 8 week mark is my first "scary" point. The second "scary" point is to make it past the 12 week mark. And then I will breathe a lot easier.

I hope the days start passing quicker!

Score!!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaahooooooooooo! Today is a good day.

As per my previous bitching and moaning, I was able to re-schedule the re-scheduled (!!?!??) ultrasound appointment to a date that both Mr. Legalosaur and I can actually attend.

So, in just 4 days -- Monday afternoon -- we'll hopefully get to see our little gummy bear up-close-and-personal. All 8 weeks and 2 days of him or her. I hope we get nothing but good news, especially after all the spotting I've been having (it finally stopped yesterday). And I also hope that we get a good picture of our baby, something to put on the fridge and share with the family, finally.

Also, my doctor's clinic called this morning, just to see how I was doing and assess the spotting after my ER visit. Isn't that awesome? They knew I went to the ER, and they decided to follow up just cos they're nice like that.

So, today is a good day. I'm spotting-free, I have an ultrasound booked for 4 days from now, my doctor's office rocks, and it's ALMOST the weekend. Cannot go wrong with that!!

The Great Sperm Race

There's a really interesting (and entertaining) documentary called The Great Sperm Race which discusses conception and all the challenges that sperm face in order to fertilize the egg! It's quite entertaining because it's "upped" everything to human size, with a person representing each sperm and its race to the egg.

Watching this documentary, I'm simply amazed that anyone is able to get pregnant at all. The sperm have HUGE obstables to overcome in order to finally get to the egg and fertilize it. One thing that I didn't realize is actually how few sperm make it into the fallopian tube. I won't ruin the ending for you, but I think you might be surprised too!

If you missed The Great Sperm Race on television, you can also watch it on the internet!! Go to it, and get your learn (and laugh) on.