Due date

Today is my due date. My due date for our first pregnancy that ended with a miscarriage in March this year.

I've thought about our first baby so much over the past few months. It's so hard not to count how far along I would have been, to imagine my belly full and ready to pop, to remember the love and the innoncence I had in that pregnancy. It's hard to not remember the significance of today...

Today. Today is hard. I actually started writing this blog post soon after I woke up this morning, before speaking to anyone. And I felt okay, actually. Yes, today is our due date, but that pregnancy was not meant to be. That baby was not meant to be held in my arms, to be kissed, to smile and laugh...

But then Mr. Legalosaur called me from work, to ask me how I'm doing. And the tears started flowing. I could hear the pain and sadness in his voice, and that made the tears come faster and harder. And they haven't yet stopped. I actually had to phone my mum and ask her not to come to visit today (she comes every weekday, with food for me and to walk the dogs while I'm on bed rest) because I just want to be alone. Alone with Mr. Legalosaur - who is coming home - and my thoughts.

Image credits.

No new pregnancy will ever replace one that is lost. Babies are not like toys or power tools, they are not replaceable. Each baby is unique. Each baby leaves a stamp on your heart.

I will always treasure the memories I have of our first pregnancy. No pregnancy will ever be the same after the loss that we experienced. Everything in my life will be a different colour because of that experience. I gained an exclusive membership to a club of women that I never knew existed, that I never wanted to be a part of. Life has a funny way of giving you things you don't want, I guess...

To the little one we lost in March, I want you to know you are loved by your Mummy and Daddy very much. We have never forgotten you, we never will. Each year, on the 21st day of September, we will think of you and how old you should have been that year. Our hearts will ache as we think of the first tooth you should have cut, but didn't. The first steps you should have taken, but didn't. The first day of school you should have attended, but didn't. So many firsts, that you will never experience. I wish it could have turned out differently.

People tell us, "It wasn't meant to be". These words used to hurt, a lot. It doesn't hurt as much now, because I've come to acceptance and I know it wasn't meant to be. But that knowledge doesn't stop the love that a mother feels for her child. And it certainly doesn't stop the tears from coming today, on the day you should have been born.

I love you, little one.