Shaken up

The last 24 hours have been eventful - and not in a good way. Yesterday, as the workday was winding down, I went to the bathroom and there it was: blood. I froze. It wasn't a lot - just a tiny smear caught up in some mucus - but it was there. I was spotting. Oh god. Oh no. Oh please, please no. Not again. Please, please not again.

I rushed out of the bathroom and sent a message to my supervisor, who is also a friend and knows about my previous miscarriage and current pregnancy: "I'm spotting. It's only a little bit but I'm freaking out. I'm so scared." Her reply was one word: "GO." I ran to grab my things and asked her to call my husband to tell him that we had to leave (he and I work at the same company and carpool together). Two minutes later, I was in the car and bawling, pleading over and over, "Please no. Please no. Please, please, please no."

As scared as I was, I knew there probably wasn't much point in going to the ER; it had only been one tiny bit of spotting, without any cramping or any other signs of miscarriage - and even though I was close to panic, a small amount of occasional spotting is fairly common in the first trimester. We drove home and Mr Bibliosaur called my doctor - I was too much of a wreck to talk on the phone - who said to keep an eye on the spotting. If I saw any more blood or had any cramping, she wanted me to go to the hospital. If I was miscarrying at 8 1/2 weeks, there wouldn't be much they could do to stop it, but they could at least monitor me. I went to lie down, not knowing if it would help, but wanting to do whatever I could to relax my body.

As I laid in bed, shaking and crying and whispering to our precious twins and begging the universe not to take them, I thought about the problems Legalosaur has been facing with her constant spotting and even occasional full bleeding. I don't know how she handles it. I honestly don't. I was falling apart over one small bit of spotting - she's obviously an incredibly strong and brave woman.

I stayed in bed for the rest of the day yesterday and most of today, and every time I've gone to the bathroom in the last 24 hours, I've had to force myself to look at the tissue. So far there hasn't been any more spotting, and no cramping beyond the occasional twinge that I normally have from things stretching and growing. I'm not completely relaxed again yet, but I am feeling much calmer. I'm still on self-imposed rest - even though my doctor didn't recommend it, it can't hurt and it makes me feel like I'm doing something (rather ironic, considering I'm actually doing nothing, eh?).

After this long, I think everything is probably fine, and that the spotting was just a random event. I still have no idea what caused the spotting, or if it will come back - the one thing I do know is that I love these babies more than ever.