Trying to plan for the future

I think about all of the things I'd love, and want, to do... you know places to visit, things to try, people to see. I find it hard to continue living life like we aren't trying to bring another life into the world. What I mean by that is that in my mind I keep holding back from making any big plans "just in case" I'm pregnant.

However, I know I can't keep sitting on the sidelines as I watch everyone else live their life but it is hard. The hope and desire I have in my heart that surrounds pregnancy and babies overrides any common sense I have about living my life and doing the things I want to do. I will make plans to go to a concert or spend the weekend with friends while secretly hoping I won't be able to drink at either event. I think about summer camping and what that would be like with a belly.

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Every month I think about why this would be the "perfect" month for us to get a positive test result. I think about how far 12 weeks out is and when we'd be sharing news with family and friends... will it be Thanksgiving? Christmas? Valentine's Day? How about Easter? I do this every. single. month. I can't help it. I like to think about the possibilities and I am glad that I do because I feel like this keeps me going. But, honestly, I am tired of it. I am tired of the let down and the constant cycle we go through of the baby dance, hoping, waiting, and then complete disappointment and sadness... It's completely exhausting.

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The Two Week Wait

The two week wait is probably the longest two weeks ever. It must be how children feel it takes for Christmas to come again each year. I try to be patient as I wait to be 10 DPO (days past ovulation) because that is when I could test, if I wanted to. The excitement of getting the test out, feeling ready, and then waiting for that second pink line to appear. When it doesn't show I just feel a sinking in my stomach. During the past few months I have tried to wait to test because the disappointment is just too great but the hope inside me takes over and I find myself peeing on a stick again.



This morning my temperature dropped and I started spotting. I am 13 DPO. I felt sad all day long. However, if this is the end of this cycle I'd like to get another started so we can get to the good part. I just wish I knew exactly what it was I should be doing in order to make this happen.

Hope

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I am scared to hope for a BFP. I'm afraid to jinx it. It is like if I really believe I could be pregnant, then I won't be. How superstitious is that?

I'm 11 DPO today and I just did an HPT. It was BFN. It could be too early still. I think I will try again on Sunday with FMU.

I go to the fertility specialist again on Monday morning. I will get my blood beta-HCG test done on Monday or Tuesday. I will know for sure then.

It was only our first cycle on Clomid. I didn't really feel much of a difference while I was taking the drug. Lately, I have had some twinges in my abdomen and sore nipples. I have noticed an odd metallic taste in my mouth for the last few days. These could be PMS, drug effects or pregnancy symptoms. Sigh, I will just have to wait to find out for sure.

No sign of AF yet which is good news.

I know that the chances are greater that I'm not pregnant.

But a part of me is still not ready to give up hope.


Hope is the thing with feathers,
that perches in the soul,
and sings the tune without the words,
and never stops at all.

- Emily Dickinson

The Waiting Game

Where did the month go!??!

AF did show up just a couple of days after I last posted, putting my cycles about 30 days long....if I stay 'regular' this month.

So where does that leave us??

Smack dab in the middle of the TWW.

And thankfully, I've been able to stay busy most of the last two weeks, so it hasn't been on my mind much.

Until yesterday...It's constantly on my mind.

Did we BD enough? Did I get my fertile days right? Was there anything else I could do?

Makes me want to scream!! :0)

Spot, Spot.... Who's there?

Could it be you, Aunt Flo?

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Today is CD47 and I've had a little bit of spotting. I am actually hoping that AF is finally on her way. My cycles have been all over the place since my miscarriage in July. Cycle 4 has been the longest one so far and I'm losing patience!

I saw my family doctor this past Monday to review the results of my physical in November. I'm glad I made the appointment to see her as the lab hadn't entered by blood work in the computer. My doctor called the lab right away and had them fax over the results. My hormone levels were normal then. The only concern was my iron was on the low side. I had stopped taking the prenatal vitamins for a while and just continued with folic acid supplements. I have since resumed taking the prenatal vitamins and I hope my iron level is back up.

My doctor ordered a blood beta-HCG test and gave me a prescription for Provera to start my period. Since my doctor was going away on Tuesday, she told me to see the doctor who was covering for her on Friday evening.

I must admit, I have taken a few HPTs this cycle to see if I could possibly be pregnant. They were all BFN so I was pretty sure that the blood test would be negative as well. I did see the doctor last night and the blood test was negative.

This doctor recommended waiting for 3 months without a period before taking the Provera. As we are actively TTC, she was concerned that if I conceived recently, the Provera would be harmful to the pregnancy. Mr. Pharmasaur and I were concerned about this too. The doctor recommended that I go to see a gynecologist soon as time is of the essence at our age. So, it is back to waiting for AF again.

Luckily, I do have an appointment with a gynecologist for February 9th. I have heard lots of positive feedback about her which I find encouraging. I hope she can help us too! I was out today with a friend for coffee whom I remembered had seen the same gynecologist a while back. I asked my friend about the doctor and it turns out she was very impressed by her. And she has an appointment with her on the same day that I do, one hour before mine! So, we are going to meet up for lunch and support each other after our appointments. Strange how some things just seem meant to be, isn't it?

I am hopeful that AF is really on her way and that we can start to TTC again soon. I am still waiting to use the new Clearblue Fertility Monitor that we got last month. I was hoping I would get a BFP this month so I haven't even opened the package yet. I thought it would be easier to sell a sealed unit! I will open it up and pore over the instruction booklet as soon as AF officially arrives.

I also think I will have to stop being so stubborn and start charting my BBT. I have heard so many women sharing about how helpful it is. I keep resisting the thought of setting my alarm for 5:45 a.m. on the weekends!

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But, sometimes the process of TTC involves making some tough decisions and sacrifices. The results will be worth it!

Cycle 4 - CD38 and counting....

My irregular periods are continuing this cycle. I am currently on CD38 and no AF yet. I did an HPT yesterday and got another BFN. I guess I didn't ovulate around CD9 or 10 like I originally thought. I have been having PMS symptoms that could have been pregnancy symptoms for about 2 weeks now. Sigh. Nothing to do but keep waiting for AF to arrive so we can get back to TTC.

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I have a doctor's appointment coming up this Monday. I am going to tell her about my very irregular cycles and see if there were any unusual hormone levels from my physical in November. I also have a gynecologist appointment booked for February. Perhaps she will be able to investigate further.

I am looking forward to 2010. I am not going to miss 2009 at all. It has been a tough year.

Happy New Year to everyone! Wishing you Happiness & Health in 2010.

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I Don't Like This Game...

... the waiting game, that is. Today is my due date and there are still no promising signs of labor on the horizon. I've had contractions for the last 3 weeks. Earlier in my pregnancy, I had asked another pregnant mom how she was able to differentiate Braxton Hicks contractions from real contractions (I've been having BH contractions since week 20). She said that real contractions sort of take your breath away and the pain is very similar to bad cramping during your period. My uterus gets so hard and tight with the BH contractions I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to discern the difference, but once I started having real contractions, I definitely knew what they were.

One evening a few weeks ago I started having contractions 15 minutes apart for an hour, then 10 minutes apart for an hour, and then they just stopped. I swore after that happened that I was going to see the doctor at 37 weeks and she would tell me that I was dilated and ready to deliver this baby soon! Alas, I was not.

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Then there was another evening when I had contractions every 5 minutes for an hour. They say to call if you have contractions every 5 minutes lasting for over an hour, or if your water breaks, so I thought surely I was going into labor. Silly me, because as soon as the one hour mark hit, the contractions stopped! Still, with all those contractions I thought I would definitely be at least a little dilated at my next appointment at 39 weeks but all the doctor could tell me was that my cervix was starting to soften.

I just went in again yesterday at 39 weeks and 6 days and I'm apparently making some progress. Not much, but a little....today I was "a fingertip dilated" and my cervix is softer than it was previously. The baby has dropped a little further and my doctor said she could easily break my water at this point if she wanted to. She also said she could feel my pelvis "opening up." So, the baby could come at any time now, or she could take her sweet little time.

At this point, I am so ready for this baby to be here. I can hardly walk anywhere without getting winded (though I'm trying to walk a lot to induce labor) and I just cannot get comfortable enough at night to get some decent sleep. I toss and turn, and once I am finally able to fall asleep, I am woken up by the urge to pee again. I've heard lots of moms say that this is common and it's nature's way of getting you used to all the sleepless nights that come with taking care of a newborn. That's probably true, but that doesn't change the fact that I would love to get a good night's sleep right now!

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Only 5% of all babies are actually born on their due date - most are born somewhere between 38-42 weeks. I can't reliably wait on my water to break as an indication of the start of labor, as only 8% of pregnant women have their water break before they go into labor. So for now, I just get to hang around, over-analyzing every contraction and wondering when this baby will come.

We've decided to schedule an induction for next Monday if the baby doesn't come on her own sooner. I will be 40 weeks and 5 days at that point. It's my understanding that some doctors won't even induce labor until after 41 weeks, but my doctor said that she doesn't like to let her patients go beyond 41 weeks because the baby's risk of meconium aspiration are much higher then. We had originally discussed inducing as early as tomorrow, but have decided to give the baby some more time to come out on her own.

If you do some research or ask around, you'll find all sort of methods out there that are supposed to induce labor. Shopasaur blogged about it here. I'm not entirely sure that I believe in any of them, but we're going to give some of those methods a shot (can't really hurt, right? Except for the castor oil - blech!). We'd really prefer for this baby to come in her own time, but if it's better for her to be induced next week then that's what we'll do. Either way, you should be hearing an announcement from us any day now...

Third Trimester Woes

I had many other moms and pregnant women tell me to enjoy the second trimester because that's when the fatigue is gone, you get a second wind, and the morning sickness is gone. It's a great period because you finally feel like your old, non-pregnant self again. I really did not truly appreciate this until I was well into my third trimester.

Your bump starts to look less like you had a big meal and turns into a really belly, and you start to feel like you are carrying around a huge melon strapped to your body. I haven't had really bad back pain, but getting around is much harder now and I am definitely waddling. There's a lot more pressure down there, and as another pregnant woman so accurately described it to me, you feel a soreness between your legs when you are walking that feels like you just went horseback riding!

The baby's movements have started to become more and more pronounced, which can be fun and exciting, but often times she'll also push so hard that it's uncomfortable. They told me at the last ultrasound that she was already head down and that the odds of her changing positions from that point were slim, but if it I didn't know otherwise, sometimes I would think that she is standing on top of my cervix, stopping her feet down on it like she is throwing a temper tantrum! Before I got pregnant I would always wonder how a woman would know that the baby was pushing on her cervix... well, I hate to say it, but you "just know" because it hurts down there!

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It also starts to become increasingly difficult to fall alseep at night. Not only are you trying to get comfortable with a huge belly, but the baby is most active at night. Sometimes I swear she's doing yoga or trying to stretch out my uterus to make more room for herself in there, as she's pushing so hard in so many different directions!


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To make things worse, during week 34 I started to develop heartburn whenever I would lay down to go to sleep. Furthermore, despite consuming tons and tons of water, my hands and feet started to swell as well. I had to take off my wedding and engagement rings, for fear that my fingers would swell to the point where I would not be able to remove them (it was already really hard to wriggle them off!). I did, however, find that compression hosiery helped quite a bit with the swelling. If you're pregnant and interested in trying out some compression hosiery, make sure you enter the Pregosaur Giveaway that ends this Sunday! As a side note, if you plan to take maternity pictures, I would recommend doing them between 32-34 weeks. By then, your bump is big enough for pictures, but you aren't so uncomfortable and more importantly, your face isn't swelling yet.

I hear so many women say that they miss being pregnant. I am confident that what they miss is not all the discomfort that comes with the end of the third trimester. I will surely miss feeling my little one move and kick inside me - I think that's my favorite part of pregnancy. Of course I could do without and won't miss all the swelling, trouble sleeping, heartburn, soreness, etc. For now, I'm trying to keep in mind that the longer she stays in there, the more developed and better off she'll be. I am so grateful to even be pregnant in the first place and I try to keep in mind what a blessing it is to be having this baby, but honestly sometimes I'm so miserable I really wish she would just come out already...

Still waiting...

I went to take another hpt last Friday, and for some reason, I couldn't pee! I had to go so bad, and couldn't muster up a good pee for my hpt.

I went back to sleep, and debated about taking another test. But chose not to.

I don't think I could take another negative...

We went away for the weekend and I left the hpt at home and brought the tampons.

Mr. Joggersaur has been in a funky mood, causing me to be in a funky mood.

We've gone through a lot of changes in the seven months we've been married and I think it finally all hit him. Not only that, but it's been raining for weeks here.

Being away did us some good. We got to talk about things a little more, we took in some fresh air, and we released some major adrenaline by going four wheeling.

And as of today, AF is 9 days late, which is odd, since I have had a very normal cycle for the last 10-12 months. And still no symptoms.

If she doesn't show up by the weekend, I will be making an appointment with my doctor.

Until then, I will be (trying) to eat healthy and exercise... but I would really like to take a nap instead. :)

Keeping Myself Busy

Last week, I posted a funny list of things to do during your 2WW. But now, I'm going to post what I've actually been doing during my 2WW.

• Cleaned the entire house top to bottom.
• Ate an entire pineapple.
• Bought 2 new workout dvds.
• Done one of my new workout dvds every day.
• Took long walks.
• Baked some fabulous pumpkin bread, one of my specialties.
• Made a batch of sugar cookies.
• Made and decorated my nephew's birthday cake.
• Did my best to draw a picture of a robot for my nephew's birthday.
• Wrapped birthday presents.
• Bought a few small Christmas presents.
• Searched for the best Chicken Pot Pie recipe.
• Made Mr. Joggersaur all his favorite meals.
• Taken my pre-natal vitamin almost every day.
• Tried to sleep, but I can't.
• Had a weird pain in my butt... litterally.
• Enrolled my hubby and I in new health care benefits.
• Created our office Christmas Party invites.
• Started putting together a cookie exchange for our office.
• Carved a pumpkin.
• Created a Facebook page for Mr. Joggersaur's new business.
• Caught up on all my favorite shows on hulu.
• BD because we wanted to... in the middle of the day.
• Drew house plans for our dream house... in excel.
• Tried not to analyze every little twinge in my body.
• Fixed my hair different ways.
• Spent a day on a pallet watching movies with Mr. Joggersaur.
• Painted my nails orange.
• Made goodie bags for my nephew's birthday party.

What do you do to keep yourself busy during your 2WW??

Frustrations

Still here, still waiting. I'm 23 weeks and 1 day (woooo!) and it's officially 3 weeks since my water broke.

We are fighting hard. The neonatologist told us the absolute earliest they would intervene and try to save our baby is if (a) they are 23.5 weeks or more when born, and (b) they weigh 500g or more.

So we're almost there with the 23.5 week threshold (although I'd REALLY prefer for this baby not to be born before 28 weeks, but definitely NOT in October!!).

Sadly, I have no idea how much this baby weighs, so that's a bit of a wild card. Even though the "weekly development" calendar at BabyCenter says this baby weighs over a pound (which is GOOD), I know it really can vary so much at this stage. So, I'm just trying to eat lots of fruit and sweet things along with my healthy food, because I know that babies of diabetic tend to be a little bigger because of the increased blood sugars. Nobody coached me on this, it is just something I came up with on my own. I just hope I don't make myself diabetic from doing this...

Despite fighting hard and trying to keep positive, it has not been easy. Over the past week, I have been in tears numerous times. Mostly because I feel like the perinatology (high-risk) clinic at our local hospital has been giving me the run around (they were!), which completely frustrated me. And a decrease of movement by the babe over the Thanksgiving long weekend really had me worried too.

Luckily, I have found a lifeline. There's a nurse practitioner ("NP") at the high-risk clinic who ended up getting in contact with me this past week and she's been AMAZING so far, even in such a short period of time. We talked for a long while, as I've been very frustrated dealing with all the different doctors and specialists. It seems like each has a differing opinion, and I'm not sure who to listen to. It seems like all I'm doing is spinning my wheels at appointments with subsequent doctors, who pooh-pooh the advice given by the previous one. And then no concrete plan of action can be made. Some are so harsh about our baby's chances at life, that they are very dismissive of any of our concerns and questions. The rage and helplessness I feel at times is unreal. The NP was able to clarify many of the discrepancies, give Mr. Legalosaur and I some really good information, and we're now much more comfortable that our concerns are being addressed.

The NP also asked me to come in on Thursday for a check-up just to assess the slow down in the baby's activity. Luckily, all seems fine, baby is just moving in a different way now than before. He/she was kicking the doppler wand, which is a good sign, and the NP even felt him/her kick from the outside. She said anytime we want to hear our baby's heartbeat or have any concern at all, just give her a call and drop by. Having this lifeline is such a relief, you have no idea - I am starting to realize more and more than my ob-gyn is complete rubbish.

Unfortunately, I did have some contractions on Wednesday night, starting around 9:30 pm and going until about 4:00 am. Just one strong one every half hour or so, enough to wake me from my sleep, and a constant low backache. It was very scary. They seem to have disappeared when I awoke on Thursday morning, which had us breathing one HUGE sigh of relief. Let's hope they stay away. We need to keep this baby baking MUCH longer!!

Finally, we have something to look forward to... I have an ultrasound and a fetal echo appointment scheduled at the perinatal (high-risk) clinic for October 28th. And we'll be having a nurse come to our house daily starting in my 24th week, to do vitals monitoring and a fetal non-stress test. So, finally, we won't just be sitting around and waiting anymore. We'll be getting some medical monitoring as well, which will help me put my mind at ease a little more.

So, we're back to playing the waiting game. I'm sorry if my thoughts in this post are jumbled, but I kindof feel like my life is all a jumble as well.

2WW - Cycle #1

We have officially made it through our first cycle's ovulation period!!

While BD was exciting because of the possibility of making a baby, at times it felt like we HAD to BD. Neither of us really liked that feeling.

And now, we wait.

While I don't expect us to get a BFP on our first try... I do hope we did everything we could. We both ate healthy, got pleanty of rest, BD many times, used Pre-Seed, and I took a pre-natal vitamin.

The rest is up to powers beyond my control.

But while I wait... I found this list, and can see myself doing many of these things.

50 Things To Do In The 2WW
You have done everything trying to get pregnant. You made love regularly, enough and at the right time. But now you are facing the dreaded 2ww. The 2ww stands for "the 2 weeks wait", the time between ovulation and your menstrual period. Hopefully your menstrual period won't come and you will be rewarded with a positive pregnancy test.

But what are you going to do while you wait these 14 days before you know if you have succeeded in getting pregnant?

Here are 50 things to do in the 2ww:
Take your daily prenatal vitamins including folic acid
Write a daily journal
Update your facebook page
Don't smoke
Don't drink alcohol
Set some goals and write them down
Make a new budget
Write down babynames
Make your home green
Organize your home
Treat yourself to facials and bubble baths
Eat healthy - leafy vegetables contain a lot of folic acid
Go out and have good food - Once you are pregnant you may not geel like it
Drink pineapple juice or fresh pineapple slices - contains selenium which aids with implantation
Eat walnuts
Use loose clothes : nothing that fits too tight
Don't lift anything too heavy
Exercise - but in moderation
Take long walks
Hydrate well - Drink 1 or 2 liters of water each day
Enjoy making love - at this point it's for pure fun not baby making
If you have to, drink coffee but limit it to 2 cups a day
Go out
Try to stay busy so you do not obsess too much
Find a good obstetrician
Investigate good hospitals
Calculate the exact day when your pregnancy test should be positive
Watch one dvd a day
Send your husband a love letter each day
Clean up the refrigerator
Get rid of toxic chemicals in your house
Take a regular nap - Naps are God's gift to the impatient.
Meditate - Do Yoga
Spend more time talking to your husband
Go out with a girlfriend for some tea
Ask your husband to do the vacuuming, dishwasher, laundry, and garbage disposal
Practice peeing on a stick - with a Q tip
Investigate life insurance
Paint your rooms - During pregnancy the smells may drive you crazy
Reorganize the kitchen
Do some gardening
Repot your plants
Take the dog for long walks
Check the medicine cabinet and throw out old medications
Wash the dog
Go to a museum - each day a different one
Cut coupons
Watch for maternity clothes sales
Read a good book, or two, or three..
Reorganize your closets

Hanging on...

Thank you to everyone for your comments on my last post. As you may remember, Mr. Legalosaur and I made the decision not to terminate our pregnancy and instead we will "wait and see".

And here we are, two weeks after my membranes rupturing. We are still waiting. We are trying to be as strong as we can right now. It still feels like a miracle every time I hear the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler, or feel a particularly strong kick. But I am still leaking amniotic fluid - I feel like every little bit of fluid this baby makes I am letting leak out of me, and it kills me to know this. Tears spring to my eyes so easily these days - tears of relief, fear, happiness and overwhelming emotion.

It is a miracle that we have made it this far. I was terrified of going into labour within a week of my membranes rupturing, as so many women do. I am so grateful and thankful to make it this far. But, I am still only in my 22nd week of pregnancy. We need to make it to at least 24 weeks before the doctors will intervene and give this baby the best chance at life that it can get. While I am desperate to make it to 24 weeks, I'm even more desperate to make it to 28 weeks to give this baby the best chance at life as possible.

So, while I try to take it day-by-day (to make the mountain of time in front of me seem less like an insurmountable mountain) two weeks more to wait does feel like an eternity. Taking it day-by-day makes it easier on me. If I don't let myself think about numbers and statistics and weeks, it is easier to cope.

This weekend is Thanksgiving in Canada. There are moments where I feel extremely bitter and think that I have nothing to be thankful for. However, I know that is not true. Our baby is still alive. Infection has stayed away this far. We have made it to two week post-PPROM. We have the support of so many wonderful family and friends, and even strangers on the internet. These are all things to be thankful for.

Today, as my family brings over Thanksgiving dinner to our house (because I am still on strict bedrest and cannot go anywhere except doctor's appointments), I will try to focus on what I have to be thankful for today, and bury my fears for the future until tomorrow.

The beginning of the end...

This past Sunday my water broke – at 20 weeks and 1 day – and we ended up at Labour & Delivery until Monday evening. What I happened to us is called PPROM, or preterm premature rupture of membranes.

I cannot even begin to describe how difficult, painful and confusing the past few days have been. Everything has been completely out of our comfort zone, and we are terrified about what the future holds for us and our baby. I'm not even sure where to start with all of this, so bear with me. This post is going to be so long. . .

I started experiencing contractions on Sunday, and gradually throughout the day they were getting worse. I had spoken to my doctor, and we were preparing to go to the hospital when my water broke. It was while I was sitting on the toilet for one last pee before heading out to the car. My contractions completely stopped after my water broke.

The good news is that our baby is still alive. The bad news is that there is absolutely NO amniotic fluid left inside of me anymore. Every time I stand up to go pee, what little fluid has replenished itself leaks out again.

We met with a perinatologist at the high-risk clinic on Monday. While they tried to be as sympathetic as possible, the news is not good. Basically, chances are "slim to none" of having a live, relatively healthy baby after all of this. Upon prodding to put a number to such a fluffy proclamation, they told us less than 10%.

We were given one of two options by the perinatologist: (1) terminate this pregnancy by inducing labour now or soon-ish; or (2) waiting and seeing what the future brings, which will likely bring either death or significant disability. Debating the options was agonizing. Not only did I want to make a decision that sat well with me personally, but I wanted to make sure that Mr. Legalosaur's wishes were also taken into consideration. I was so devastated and sleep-deprived that what the doctor was saying to me didn't make much sense. I must have sounded like a complete idiot, but I had to get him to repeat things over and over again because I couldn't keep anything straight in my head.

Here's what I now understand from our appointment with the perinatologist. . . Right now, I could go into labour at any moment. Labour before 24 weeks means certain death for our baby, as they will not intervene or resuscitate. Even if we can hold on until 24 weeks and 1 day (most women go into labour within 1 week of their membranes rupturing, although it is not unusual for women to hold on for 4-6 weeks after rupture at 20 weeks, it is not common), the first thing they will do is weigh the baby. If the baby weighs less than 500g, they will not intervene or resuscitate. If the baby is between 500g and 750g, they will make an evaluative decision based on the baby's responsiveness.

Best is if we can hang on to 25 weeks, and have a baby that weighs over 750g. But even if we make it to this benchmark, there is pretty much a 70% probability that this baby will die soon after birth due to pulmonary issues that are caused by a lack of fluid. Fluid is necessary for the baby to breathe in to help mature the lungs. Without fluid, the lungs are tiny and hard and will not be able to expand and fill with air. So, while other babies born at 25 weeks may be able to breathe after getting steroid shots, ours might not because he or she would have spent 5 crucial weeks of development without the benefit of fluid.

We also need to be concerned for infection. Fluid is crucial to protect the baby from infection. Not only can infection be fatal to the baby, but because it can also be very dangerous to me.

And, finally, if we are so lucky to fit in the small number of babies that survive after birth, there was a laundry list of disabilities that were listed off to us as likely or probable: club feet and hands, deformities to the head, brain damage and mental retardation, cerebral palsy, blindness, deafness, etc.

After much discussion and soul-searching, Mr. Legalosaur and I have decided to wait and see. This baby has been such a fighter throughout this whole pregnancy. To induce labour now and sign this baby's death certificate does not sit right with us personally. We were told over and over again by the doctors that we need to make the right decision for us, and not to worry about what other people would think or would do. We also need to make sure that if we do want to wait and see, and the baby survives, that we think about the lifetime of medical appointments and disabilities that we would have to deal with. Are we ready as a couple to care for a child with demanding medical needs? I don't know – this is not something you seriously consider when you look at each other and decide to start a family. What I do know is that I could never live with myself if I let this little fighter go. Luckily, Mr. Legalosaur feels the same way.

I am not ready to say good-bye to this little one, not yet.

A couple of things that completely threw me for a loop. First, apparently PPROM is quite common where a woman has had continuous bleeding in a pregnancy. I had no idea. Secondly, if this baby dies in utero and is born still before 25 weeks, it is possible that they will not be able to tell us whether the baby is a boy or a girl. What happens, I guess, is that the baby's body gets dehydrated and babies look very similar at this stage. We had chosen not to find out the gender of the baby because we wanted a surprise. Unfortunately, if you tell the ultrasound tech you do not want to know the gender, they do not even look for it in your scan, and they take no pictures of the baby's sex organs. So, despite my desperately wanting to know NOW what this baby is, there is no way for us to find out. We will just have to hope that if he or she is born still that we will be able to see the gender. It breaks me apart to think that we may have lost our chance to know whether this is our son or our daughter.

We will meet with a neonatologist next week to discuss in more detail what types of preemie issues we might be dealing with, in addition to the specific issues that will arise from the lack of fluid.

If you have made it this far, thank you. I may sound fairly coherent in this post, but the reality is that I am broken and I can never be repaired. I have cried buckets full of tears. On the one hand I am trying to cling to some hope that we will beat the odds and be one of the success stories. On the other hand, the realist in me is preparing for the death of our child and we are exploring burial options. And yet another side of me is trying to research as much possible so I understand the disabilities that we may be facing if this baby proves to be the fighter that he or she has been throughout this whole pregnancy. We are scrambling to buy some micro preemie outfits, because even if our baby is born dead or dies soon thereafter, I do not want him or her to be naked.

This all just feels like a bad dream that I cannot wake up from. Mostly I ask myself "why me, why us, why our baby?" I feel like I'm being punished for something, but I'm not sure what. I am so angry at my body for failing this baby. Unfortunately, I don't think there are any answers or any comfort that I can find in this situation.

I'll keep you updated as and when I can, but I don't know how often that will be. Pray for us, we need all the help we can get.

Waiting....

Unfortunately, I am not a patient person. I always want to know what is going to happen and when it is going to happen. This is impossible when trying to conceive.

I am almost at the end of the 2WW. Aunt Flo is due on Tuesday. I am trying desperately not to test early. Even during my first pregnancy this May , I didn't get a positive test result until a week after I thought my period was due. I am pretty sure that testing early will only result in a BFN, or multiple BFNs. So, I'm hanging in there. I have one test in the back of the cupboard in the bathroom. It is "hiding" from me.

I'm not even sure if I ovulated this past cycle. We were on a European holiday when we were actively trying and I didn't notice my body's usual signals. Normally, I can detect some ovulation pain and a change in cervical mucus so I know for sure that I've ovulated. I didn't get any clear signals this time. Maybe because of the time difference? Maybe because I was in a different environment? Or there is the possibility that I really didn't ovulate.

We are taking a relaxed, keep it simple attitude towards TTC. No charting, no BBT recording, no CM monitoring. If, after several cycles, we do not conceive, I may want to consider charting. We are both almost 40 and we really don't have much time to lose. I worry that I may get stressed out with all of the details of charting and actually harm my chances of achieving that BFP.

After my miscarriage, I am not sure what to expect anymore. I am excited about getting pregnant again yet there is a part of me that is worried. I am trying not to listen to that part. I believe that positive thinking can influence the outcome of our TTC process.

So, here I am. Waiting. I'm really hoping for this to happen again:



Yet, I am afraid to get my hopes up, only to be disappointed. I am really trying to be patient. At this point, it is really important for me to take it one day at a time. And to hold onto positive thoughts !

In No Man's Land

That is where I am. I am in that cycle where you don't exactly know if you ovulated or not or if you are waiting for Aunt Flow to show up in a couple of days. So I figure there is really nothing I can do about it so I should just go about my business. I am one of those people who believe everything will happen when it is supposed to. So I go on with my life. Yesterday I took the train in the city with a friend. We checked out Navy Pier and walked over to the Field Museum and saw the pirate exhibit. It was great. But the whole time when we were walking all I saw were pregnant women and mom's pushing strollers or wearing their babies. I realized once you start TTC a little part of you changes and I don't think I can go back.

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I used to be one of those people who didn't notice kids or pregnant women. I would just walk about in my merry little world able to look past that stuff. Now things are different because I long to be one of those pregnant women. Life was simpler before TTC. Now I worry about is it the right time of the month, should we have sex more this week or did we spend all of our energy on the wrong week. Babies are starting to consume my mind. It doesn't help when I read other baby blogs but I enjoy them and hearing the different pregnancy stories and learning how mom's change after the baby comes. I try not to read them as often because when I don't read I find it is easier to distact myself. I am just glad we are keeping it a secret from most of the people I know and love so they can't ask me a million times if I am knocked up yet. I know my day will come that is not what is bothering me what is bothering me is that my mind wont let me go back to my simple oblivious self.

The Waiting Game

Wouldn't it be great if pregnancy were as easy as it is on t.v. or the movies. You know you want to have a baby so it happens no waiting no anything just poof and your pregnant. Its not, its frustrating. I know that I am only in my second cycle but this is a little harder than I imagined. I am a lot more patient this month because last month I got a postive OPK and I had to wait and wait. This month that hasn't happened and I am confusing the heck out of fertility friend. The chart thought my ovulation happened last Tuesday but then it took that away because my temps are not cooperating so now the site isn't sure ovulation has happened yet.

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I have no idea if I have ovulated or if I am in my 2WW. So I am just hanging out waiting to see what pops up. All I know is that I am tired and I am not sure that I have the energy to the baby dance all this week because now my CM is really watery so maybe we have to start the baby dance all over again this week but it might be too late for us this month.




BTW I was searching for photos and this kept coming up how creepy is this!

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It's like the 2WW all over again. Arg.

Pregnancy really is all about waiting. Seriously, in the beginning you are waiting to get it on at the right time... Waiting each morning for your thermometer to read your temp. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting until enough days have passed where you can test. WAITING.

Then once you get a BFP, there is more waiting. Waiting to get it confirmed by the doctor. Waiting to hear the heartbeat. Waiting to see if you'll make it out of the 1st Trimester. Waiting to tell people. Waiting to show. Waiting to buy maternity clothes. Waiting for it to be real.

Then you finally can tell the world and shout it out from the rooftops! You are 13-15 weeks along and things have started to be real. But now... Now, you are waiting to feel the baby move. Waiting to find out the gender. Waiting for the Amnio or other tests to make sure everything is OK.

I have to say, end of the 2nd Trimester really is the best. There is the least waiting. You know the gender. You know your baby is doing good. You can feel him or her kicking up a storm in there. You have started to show and are now sporting a cute little bump. You have finally started to wear your maternity clothes, and boy are they cute! You are probably not having to wait to get it on either... And you have energy!

Then comes the end. And, once more, you are WAITING! Waiting for your appointments to be every other week, then weekly, waiting to hear how dilated you are. Waiting to fall asleep. Waiting for the crib to arrive. Waiting for baby to arrive. Waiting. Wondering. Is it cramps or am I about to have a blessed bowel movement? Will I know when labor starts? Will it happen today? Tomorrow? Will this backache ever go away? Will my ankles return? Will this belly ever turn into a real live cuddly baby?

So anyway. Pull up a chair. And a pillow. And prepare for the waiting that is pregnancy.

Btw, still nothing on my front. But I am now not sleeping very well. Tossing all night. Had a backache all day yesterday. Menstrual cramps on and off. Noticed on Saturday that my ankles have disappeared. My bump has moved beyond the "cute" phase and into the OMG YOU ARE HUGE phase. I get alarmed panic-stricken looks when people ask "When are you due?" And I respond blankly: "Wednesday." Yup. This Wednesday. In two days.............

As you were. I'll just go back to waiting................

In just 14 short days...

I can do it. I can wait just 14 more days until my first ultrasound. I really can.

However, I think the waiting might just kill me.

Okay, okay, so I'm being a bit dramatic. But a 6w0d (woooooooo!) pregnant woman is allowed to be a bit diva-esque from time-to-time, don't you think?

I'm totally thrilled that after phoning twice a day for a little less than 2 weeks, I was able to snag a cancellation and move my ultrasound date from July 21st to July 7th. SCORE!

The only problem? Mr. Legalosaur cannot make the appointment on July 7th. ARGH!! So now I've been phoning twice a day again for almost a week, to see if they can fit me in any other day in the first 14 days of July.

So far, no luck. They're booking into the end of August, people. It's insane.

And I'm getting sick of whispering "obstetrical ultrasound" into my phone at work over and over. It's only a matter of time before I get caught or overheard!

Being the proactive girl that I am, I have already booked our 18 week ultrasound, which is scheduled for mid-September. I then let Mr. Legalosaur know with PLENTY of advance notice, so I don't have to play this stupid phone game again. It's annoying.

So, just 14 more days (give or take a few days, depending if I can score a re-schedule) and we'll hopefully have some confirmation that all is well! *fingers crossed*

I am impatient. I hope they really, truly are 14 short days.

More Waiting...

Before we started our first medicated cycle, I had already mapped out how I thought things would proceed over the next few months. According to my calculations, if we were unsuccessful the first time, then we would have to sit it out the next cycle due to a vacation we had already planned. After all the waiting we had been through, the last thing I wanted to do was sit through a break cycle. So I prayed and prayed that my 2ww would end with good news.



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In a way, it did, just not how I imagined. The femara seemed to have regulated my cycle pretty well, because instead of the usual 35+ day cycles that I typically have, AF showed up and I ended up with a 29 day cycle. Even though I had tried to mentally prepare myself for this, as with every cycle, I could not help but feel extreme disappointment that yet again we were without a baby. The good news was that between getting AF really late the last time, combined with the fact that I had a shorter 29 day cycle this time, we wouldn't have to sit the next cycle out. We could go on our vacation and do my first follie scan after we got back. I was sad, but at least we could do another medicated cycle immediately without any further waiting.
Getting disheartened of failing cycle after cycle, I asked the doctor about the possibility of doing an IUI (intrauterine insemination) instead of just timed intercourse. Some women have what's called "hostile" CM that kills the majority of the sperm before they get to the uterus. A post-coital test can be done to determine if you have hostile CM, or you can simply do an IUI and have the sperm injected directly into the uterus to bypass the CM. An IUI also allows a higher number of sperm to be in the uterus, whereas with TI only the best and strongest swimmers make it through. The doctor said that all things being equal, doing an IUI would increase our chances of conception by 6% with each cycle. With the procedure costing about $300-400 and us having to pay OOP (out of pocket) for fertility treatments, we opted to try one or two more TI cycles before moving on to IUIs.

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Before starting our next cycle, the doctor had me come in for a baseline ultrasound to check for cysts that may have developed during the previous cycle. This is typically done on CD3, but due to my schedule I came in on CD2. A lot of women wonder what it's going to be like getting a transvaginal ultrasound during your period. Thankfully, it's all in a day's work for the doctors, so it's more awkward for you than anyone else. It's like getting your first pap smear - the doctor doesn't even think twice about it, but for you, you're nervous/anxious and aren't sure what to expect. Rest assured that no one (except you) is even thinking twice about the fact that you are bleeding. The nurse puts an absorbent sheet under you before the doctor comes in, so you don't have to worry about bleeding on anything. I had already talked to some other women who had been through this, so I knew what to expect. The ultrasound took all of one minute, but all I could think about was whether I was leaking onto the pad and what the ultrasound wand would look like when she pulled it out. She was so quick about it, though, that I didn't even really get a chance to see the probe cover before she threw it away. The good news was that all looked normal on my scan and I did not have any cysts. So we had a green light to move forward with the cycle and start meds.



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We ended up having a great vacation, which helped take my mind off the wait until my next ultrasound. I was supposed to go in on CD12, but did not get back from my trip until CD13. I felt pretty good going into this appointment because I knew I had responded fairly well the last time. The only change I was hoping for was a few more follies. Last time, I only had one mature follie, and if we could stimulate two or three to develop, I figured I might have a better chance of conceiving this time. The five minutes I spent waiting in the exam room for the doctor to come in seemed like an eternity. When she finally came in, I so anxious to find out what was "brewing" inside me! She scanned my ovaries and again I had just one lonely follie developing. The big shocker this time, though, was the fact that my follie was already 24mm! I was surprised I hadn't already ovulated on my own (though if I had, we would have been ok because we starting BD'ing during our trip just in case). My lining was a nice, thick 13mm so the stage was set and perfect for implantation. Without any scheduling conflicts this go around, the doctor went ahead and gave me an injection of Novarel (hCG) to trigger ovulation. 95% of women will ovulate when given this injection, usually between 24-36 hours after the injection (though some women ovulate earlier and some a little later). The doctor said that she normally instructs her patients to BD every other night after the trigger, but I had such a nice, large follie that she wanted us to BD every night for the next 3 nights. We diligently followed doctor's orders, but just to be on the safe side, we BD'ed for the next 4 nights instead of just 3. In all our months TTC, I had never ever felt myself ovulate before, but this time I swore I felt a mildly painful twinge in the area of my ovary two days after the trigger. Was that really ovulation? I'm not entirely sure. What I was sure about was how torturous this 2ww, like all the previous ones, was going to be...


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