Things can always get worse, I guess

I have to warn you now, this post is going to be incredibly long and I apologize for that. But so much has happened since I last posted, and I want to get this all down so, hopefully, I don't drown you with the outpouring of words about to follow this precautionary introduction.

This pregnancy has been, quite possibly, the WORST pregnancy one could ever wish on a woman who has been through a miscarriage. It would be difficult for someone who hasn't been through a miscarriage. I feel like I've been going through emotional hell... and it's only getting more difficult as time goes on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to be pregnant. I celebrate that my body has the capacity to create and carry life, for whatever length of time. I celebrate that this baby is such a fighter and is still with me (when you read the story below, you'll know what I mean).

But I feel despondent. I am losing hope. I just don't see how I can continue on this path and have a healthy baby at the end of it all. My body is betraying me and failing my baby. I feel like I am fast approaching my wits end with no answers, and I'm just supposed to put on a brave face and pretend like I'm delighted to be expecting right now... when in reality I'm scared shitless that I'm going to fail this baby, fail my husband, fail my family, and fail myself.

When I last posted on this blog, I was having moderate spotting. Which resolved itself and we had a textbook wonderful ultrasound. And I thought things might be looking up.

Well, on Tuesday last week, quite suddenly and overnight, I started bleeding. Bright red. Quite heavy (soaking through an overnight pad one every two hours). No clots, but definitely enough for me to get back on the emotional rollercoaster of worry, tears, and "why me?'s".

So I went and saw my doctor, she found the heartbeat, sent me for yet another ultrasound (this is u/s #4 of this pregnancy, by the way). I had that u/s on Friday, August 21st. The tech didn't really tell me anything. As far as he was concerned, there was no reason for the bleeding.

Slowly, the bleeding dried up. As of the Saturday, there was only dark brown bleeding when I wiped. I was told by my doctor that being on bed rest really won't accomplish anything at this point, and that bed rest is really only appropriate for women in their 20th week and beyond. I was told that it was nothing I did that caused the bleeding, that I should just live my life but try not to do anything too strenuous.

Okay then. They are doctors, you have to trust them.

So, I had a pretty busy day on that Saturday. I didn't do anything strenuous, but I did walk around a fair bit and was out of the house most of the day. I feel into bed exhausted on Saturday night. But grateful that things were looking up and there was barely any spotting anymore.

And I woke up Sunday morning -- August 23, 2009, a day I will never forget-- to, literally, a geyser of bright red blood and clots gushing out of me down there. It was as if somebody severed one of my arteries and it was literally pumping out of me with the same force of my heart beating. This was no ordinary bleeding, this was a full-on hemorrhage.

I wasn't even really awake at this point, but I jumped out of bed and ran for the bathroom, all the while cupping my hands underneath my underwear to catch the blood as it ran down my legs, through my fingers, and spattered all over our bed linens and carpet.

When I made it into the bathroom, I must have let go of my hands because there was blood everywhere. I sat on the toilet while the blood still gushed. And I screamed for Mr. Legalosaur, who had fallen asleep downstairs on the couch.

I can only imagine the scene that greeted him. I'm sure it was like a bad horror movie. I was hysterically numb, if that makes any sense.... I was just sitting on the toilet with blood all over my legs, my hands, the floor, just repeating over and over again "I don't know what happened, what's happening to me." When I tried to stand up, I saw white and almost passed out. I fell back onto the toilet. Mr. Legalosaur told me not to move and called 911.

The ambulance came. They took me to emergency. Except for one slightly hysterical crying fit, I was remarkably calm. I was quite dizzy and faint. I lost, all told, about 500ml (or more) of blood. (I'm sure it was more after seeing the aftermath...)

All the emergency did was give me an IV since I lost so much blood, run some blood tests to see if my hemoglobin was low (which, amazingly, it's not), did an extremely uncomfortable internal exam (yes, my cervix is still closed) and find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. And that... was... it...

I was told that I'm having a threatened abortion (which means nothing really, because any sort of bleeding during pregnancy is a threatened abortion), to take it easy, and maybe I'll just be one of those women who bleeds throughout her whole pregnancy, or maybe I'll miscarry again. Oh, but don't worry, because miscarriages are common and it's nothing I did wrong. Le sigh.

It took poor DH almost 3 hours to clean our bedroom, hallway and bathroom. The carpets are forever ruined, because the blood dried by the time he was able to get home and scrub and steam-clean them.

I've seen my family doctor twice in the past week - I have low blood pressure and a fast heartrate, due to the blood loss I've had. I was supposed to be in her care until 20 weeks, but being that this pregnancy just got a whole lot more complicated, I'm seeing the OBGYN now in Thursday. I don't know if the OBGYN will be able to give me any more answers, but it will give me some comfort to be in the hands of a specialist. My family doctor is convinced I have placenta previa, because that's the only thing that can cause a hemorrhage of the magnitude that I had on Sunday.

And I had yet another ultrasound this week too (number 5!) just to see if they can figure out what's causing the bleeding. And so far it hasn't told us anything else except that the babe's growth is still very much on target and the heartbeat is nice and strong. I was hoping it would confirm the placenta previa, but so far it hasn't because my family doc hasn't yet gotten the radiologist's report.

Aaaaaand, the kicker, I've been put on bed rest until the end of September, likely longer depending on what's going on. So, no laundry, no vacuuming, no groceries, no walking the dogs... nada. I'm allowed to be up for 15 minutes at a time, but very light activities only and I'm not allowed to break a sweat. It's been one week of bed rest so far, and I'm doing okay. I have a feeling that if I have to stay on bed rest for the rest of this pregnancy, it could get very old, very fast.

I've been terrified to go to sleep at night, because my bleeding always seems to happen when I go to sleep. I was terrified that something like this would happen at work, or while I'm driving, so at least the bed rest is bringing some comfort. How would I deal with all the blood? I didn't know it was possible to bleed as much as I did... And what if I pass out while driving?

Mostly I'm just so worried that I'm depriving our baby and he/she won't make it. Like I said, that fact that he/she is still with us is a testament to what a fighter our baby is... but I wish it could be an easier road for all involved.

After our miscarriage, however, I simply cherish each and every day that this little babe and I get to spend together. It's something special to me, and each day gets us closer to viability. And that's a very good thing.