Two years ago today.....

Two years ago today I had my first miscarriage. I was devastated. I thought it wouldn´t or couldn´t happen to me. I had only known I was pregnant for about five days, but I had already carefully planned out how and when to tell my family. I was ecstatic. And then the bleeding started. I was in disbelief, in shock when I wiped and saw the blood. I told myself that some women spot and that it would be ok. Then the cramping came. The cramps that left me doubled up on the bathroom floor and later in bed. I couldn´t bring myself to wake Mr. Lillysaur up and tell him, so I lay beside him and cried silently. In the morning he got up and went to the bathroom where he saw the blood in the toilet. He came back to bed and asked me what this meant. I cried. He began to cry, the realization of it coming to him. I spent all day at home crying and researching this on the internet. The gyno didn´t want to see me until five in the evening. We went together and heard the words I knew were coming, yet didn´t want to hear. "I´m sorry, but it´s over. Your body has dealt with it quickly and efficiently. You shouldn´t bleed much more." She told us to wait three months and try again. This kind of thing happens all the time, but rarely twice. It´s the bodies way of practicing for the big act, she said.

Funny, at the time it seemed sort of comforting. Like hey, you´ve got this behind you and now the baby-making can begin in ernest. Little did I know just how it would all turn out. Now two years later I´m at home all by myself, with a horrible head cold, Mr. Lillysaur will not be home until tomorrow, and my fur baby is off with the dog trainer because I felt too sick to get out of bed this morning. Two years ago I would never have dreamed that I´d be here writing and remembering my little one without the comfort of holding a new little one in my arms.