Holiday Blues

For many years, the holidays have been a difficult time for me. I have bittersweet memories from when I was a kid. I associate the holidays with family and this time of year reminds me of my parents' separation and eventual divorce. Feelings of sadness and loss often come up for me at this time of the year.

This year I am grieving a different kind of loss. I can't help but thinking of the baby that we lost in July. If the pregnancy had progressed, I would have been 32 weeks pregnant on Christmas Day. In the month that I knew that I was pregnant, I did dare think ahead to Christmas. I wondered what it would be like to celebrate the holidays while carrying our newest family member. Lately, I have been feeling the loss quite acutely. It is really hard for me to let go of those hopes and dreams.

So I need to focus on today instead. It is CD26. I thought I ovulated around CD 9 or 10 this month. I got a little bit hopeful and did a couple of tests over the past week. They are BFN. So I don't think we conceived this cycle. I know it isn't over until AF shows but I don't feel pregnant. I am glad that we bought the ClearBlue Fertilty monitor. As soon as AF shows, I intend to pore over the instruction booklet. Then I need to move forward into a new cycle of TTC.

Soon, it will be a new year and I am glad. This past year has been very difficult - a rollercoaster of high and lows. I can't say I'm sorry to leave this year behind.

All the best to you and your families this holiday season. I wish you all much health, happiness and joy in the coming year.