Grief

Grief is really an odd thing, because just when you think you´re past it, it comes back to haunt you. I´ve been rocking along so well since we got the dog. I have not felt the need to cry for weeks now, but today is different. Today the tears just keep coming and coming and coming. A year ago today I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified, excited, nervous and everything else when I saw the faint, faint pink line show up on my el cheapo test. I peed on two more el cheapo tests before running to the drugstore to pick up "a good one" and try it out. They all came back positive. I plotted how to tell my DH who was out of town. I went to the bookstore and found a pregnancy book especially for daddys and got it for him. When he came home on the sixth of December I put it in his shoe for Nikolaus. We hugged and cried, hoping and praying that this would be our sticky baby. Alas, this was not to be.

And so here I sit a whole year later. No new pregnancy, no new baby to hold, but a heart suddenly heavy again with grief. Mourning what could have been. I was sure our baby would be a girl. "Her" due date was August 15th. I planned and plotted in my head that maybe she would come early and be born on my birthday, or maybe a bit later and be born on Mr. Lillysaur´s birthday. I prayed that she would not be born on my mother-in-law´s birthday.....Our joy was short-lived. A week before Christmas I started to bleed. The doctor gave me progesterone to try and help it, if possible. But Christmas Eve the inevitable happened and we lost our baby.

This Christmas season is full of those memories and of our empty nest. I know Ralphie would love to have a little Lillysaur to herd and watch out for, but for now he will have to put up with just me.