Living in a Fertile World

I definitely think that there are different levels of infertility (IF). A couple that has undergone years upon years of treatments is going to have a more intense heartache than a couple that is successful after a few medicated cycles. Still, all IF couples share a common ground and will know a pain that others will never know. There are just some things in life that you cannot fully understand until you've gone through it yourself. IF is one of those things. However, my hope is that during this past week, people have become more aware of how common IF is, gained a little bit more perspective about it, and will be more sensitive about the issue.

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When you are dealing with IF, suddenly the whole world around you looks different. Of course, nothing around you has changed, but your reality has changed. You are an infertile living in a fertile world. Suddenly it seems like everyone around you is pregnant or has kids. You can't go anywhere or do anything without being reminded of your struggles. Sure, some days are better than others and life seems to go on without any salt being rubbed in your wounds, but other days are not so good.

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Pregnancy announcements can be quite difficult. You're so happy for your friend, but at the same time you can't help but ask yourself, "Why wasn't it me? Why is it never me? Why is everyone able to get pregnant but me?" Then there's the guilt. The guilt that you can't just be happy for your friend and leave it at that. Why can't good news just be good news? You feel horrible that this news has to be met with mixed emotions.

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Sometimes the pain gets to be too much and you can't just hide it anymore. There are a lot of young couples and families at the church we attend. I remember going to church one day and looking around me. There were babies and young children everywhere. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. The pain of IF... why couldn't we be one of those families? I almost broke down in tears just sitting there in church! It took everything within me to hold back the tears. This is why those with IF will sometimes politely decline an invitation to a baby shower. It's a shame that sometimes people judge us for making these types of decisions, calling us selfish. It's not because we're not happy for the mom-to-be or don't want to help her celebrate her pregnancy. It's just that sometimes, at different points in our IF journey, it gets to be too much. How embarrassing would it be to break down in tears inexplicably during the middle of another woman's shower? It's not that we can't try to muster up the strength to put our struggles on the back burner long enough to help celebrate a joyous occasion with friends... it's that sometimes, despite our best efforts, we don't have enough strength to be in that type of situation without breaking down. So please try to understand this.

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I'm hoping that as National Infertility Awareness Week comes to a close, I've helped shed some light on this matter. I also wanted to share with you "Tears and Hope: the infertility awareness project," a very special slideshow created by another woman with IF that touched my heart. I hope that you will watch it and gain just a little more understanding of what it is like to be an infertile living in a fertile world.

Click here to watch Empty Arms

As National Infertility Awareness Week ends, and you've been following my posts, you may be asking yourself "What can I do for my friend who is dealing with IF?" The answer is simple: be supportive. I know that I can only begin to imagine the pain a woman must go through when she has a miscarriage. It's a pain that only another woman who has suffered the same loss can understand. That does not prevent me, however, from being supportive of that woman. In the same way, I think it is difficult for any fertile person to truly understand what an infertile is going through. That doesn't mean we wouldn't appreciate your support, though. I think often, people don't know what to say to someone suffering from IF. I have many friends who "came out of the closet" and announced their IF on Facebook this week, in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week. Most were shocked that they did not receive many comments, questions, or messages about it. The messages they did receive were from fellow women who also suffered from IF. Our conclusion is that people just aren't sure what to say in response to something like this. Oftentimes, a lot doesn't need to be said. A simple "I'm sorry for what you're going through. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help" means the world to us. As you can see from my previous post, you can sometimes unintentionally say something that is more hurtful than helpful. Just be cognizant of the fact that we are sensitive about certain things, and let us know that you are thinking of us, support us, and wish the best for us.

That's all that we can ask for...