Last week, we sat down to watch the season final of The Office. I was feeling a bit low on that particular day, discouraged about TTC and just looking forward to laughing a bit. And then IT happened. Jim had taken Pam to the hospital to get a sprained ankle checked out, and then there is a period of silence where you can see them through a window but not hear what's being said. Jim and Pam starts beaming while the doctor talks, then Jim briefly panics, and then a lot more beaming and some happy tears, like so:
And although it's not confirmed - nothing like a cliffhanger to reel you into the next season, eh? - it's pretty obvious that Pam is pregnant.My first reaction was a flash of happiness (they're so freaking cute together, I don't care if they're just TV actors), followed by sadness (does everyone have to be pregnant?) followed by...jealousy.
Yes. Jealousy. I was - OK fine, I am - jealous of a fictional character in a TV sitcom. I think this is quite possibly as low as I can go in terms of irrational feelings about pregnancy. I am jealous of a made up person in a comedy show. And I totally don't blame you if you're doing this right now:
I know I'm being totally irrational right now. Even I'm reading this and going, "WTF Bibliosaur? Have you completely lost your grip on reality?"Trying to conceive is always an emotional experience - all the more so if you've encountered difficulties such as infertility or a miscarriage. Sometimes it feels like every single person on the planet (including TV characters) is either knocked up or already has a baby, and you're just this loser that can't seem to make or keep a baby of your own.
There's so much frustration - why is it SO easy for so many people? How does this happen by accident? Why isn't it happening for me? I know that realistically, we haven't been trying that long - we're under the six month mark - but it's still difficult to deal with sometimes. It didn't much help that last week I also accidentally stumbled across a reminder of how far along I'd be now (into the second trimester!) if I hadn't miscarried. That didn't feel particularly great.
People have commented on several of my previous posts (like this one) at what a great attitude I have about events that seem like failures - BFNs, whackadoo things on my chart, etc. And the truth is...I do have a positive outlook. I have to. Because honestly, if I didn't look for the silver lining, I'd be a very depressed TTCer, and I don't know how I would cope with that. But there are still times when I feel discouraged and upset, times when a TV show can make me cry for all the wrong reasons. And that's OK too - as long as I start looking for that silver lining again right away.
Last week, The Office made me cry. Today, I'm excited because I get to start using my OPKs again tomorrow (I'm determined to catch that surge this time), and y'all know how much fun it is to pee on a stick!
Silver lining = found...again.
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