You were my child, very real to me

You were my Child
Written by Michelle after her third miscarriage.
June 19, 1986

Although I did not see your face
nor hold you in my arms
Son or daughter, I did not know
you were my child, very real to me.
So tiny and fragile within my womb
you struggled to survive.
Still slowly you tore away from me.
You were my child, and you died.
Though few understand, my grief is real.
Although you were not born into this world,
you were a life just the same.
You were my child, you did exist.
You were not a illness
or a malfunctioning part.
You were a child created of love.
You were my child, now you are gone.
Written on another day
My heart is full of sadness,
My arms long to hold you
My lips to gently kiss you,
But it will never be.
You've gone to Heaven my child,
but you live in my heart,
and in my thoughts,
and someday we will be
together again.

Somebody very special emailed me this poem yesterday. My eyes welled up with tears when I read it, because it's just so ... right. It expresses what so many women feel when they go through a miscarriage, I think. It's definitely all that I felt.

Miscarriage is, of course, an intensely personal and subjective thing. How one person reacts may not at all be how another person would react. Some people just cannot understand how you can have such intense feelings for someone you never saw, touched or felt. Not being a religious person, I sincerely hope I don't offend anyone by my next statement. But I think the love you feel for your tiny little fetus is much like that a lot of the world feels towards a God. You cannot see God, you cannot touch Him, you cannot feel Him in a physical sense. But you still love Him.

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For some people, it is important to memorialize their baby. Not forget that they ever existed, or pretend a miscarriage didn't happen, but to celebrate the life that you carried inside of you for however brief a time. I am one of these people.

Mr. Legalosaur and I named our baby. Some people think this is strange, but this is what felt right to us. We both felt our baby was a boy (just this strong sense we had, although it will never be confirmed or denied) and so that is the gender we have given him and his name matches his gender. Some people choose unisex names, and that's okay too. It's your choice, so do what feels right to you. If you don't want to name your baby, that's okay too.

We are also in the process of finding the perfect decorative stone, and once we buy that stone we are going to have it engraved with our baby's name and an inscription that means something to us. We are going to place the engraved stone under a very special tree that we have picked out for our baby, which we will be planting shortly.

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When I first became pregnant, in fact just shortly before we started trying, I started writing a journal to our little bean. I wrote about how we found out about our positive test, our emotions, my symptoms, doctor's appointments, stages of development, etc. My first instinct after finding out about our miscarriage was to rip the journal to shreds. (Anger!) But I didn't. And I'm glad I didn't, because I am going to bury that journal in the roots of our baby's tree. That journal is proof that he was very much loved and that he existed.

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When I feel sad, and on the anniversary of our son's due date and death, I will sit under our baby's tree and I will cry there. As strange as it sounds, I am looking forward to having a place that is just his, made especially for him. Where his spirit will live on.

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So, if you're thinking about memorializing your baby but haven't broached the subject yet, start talking to your husband about your need. Who cares if he thinks you're nutty. This was your child, who was very real to you. Do what feels right for you. Your husband might even surprise you, like mine, who said that exactly what I had been thinking was what he had been thinking too.