What a Terrible Week....

This has been the worst week of my life.

I will preface the details with the knowledge that I am very lucky in comparison to many in terms of other terrible experiences they have been through. I do believe, however, that grief and loss is relative and what is devastating for one may be less significant to another. Also, this won't seem very related to pregnancy at first, but I think everything in my life is kind of related to pregnancy in some way or another.

On Sunday morning, my husband and I came home to find my beloved cat extremely sick. He was having a lot of trouble breathing and was peeing blood. I tried to contact our vet, but of course because it was a Sunday (Valentine's day no less) I had to resort to the on call emergency vet. I was frantic, but trying to stay calm for the Mister (Mister Monster is his pet name). We drove straight to the animal hospital, and after a routine check the more specific tests were performed. Mister has always had a heart murmur, but we only found out a few years ago, and he's only five. I have never thought it would be a problem. Mister's breathing was the most important problem and the vet thought x-rays would be best. We agreed, and I told my husband, "He'll be fine, he's always fine." The vet came back minutes later, and Mister was still obviously in distress, but the news was not as I had thought.

The vet said that my precious little guy was in the middle of heart failure. Everything after that happened too fast. I burst into uncontrollable tears. It was awful... we explored his options and at the advice of the vet we decided to have him put to sleep. I was by his side the entire time petting him and trying to keep him calm as he continuously struggled to breathe, and his little head was in my hands. The sedative didn't work because his circulation was so bad and the vet had to put the second needle in while he was still awake. It was the most excruciating experience. I wanted to remember him peaceful and sleeping, but when he died all the sickness that was caught in his lungs came out through his nose and mouth, and I can't stop thinking about it.

The worst part is that my husband is so distraught over it all that he keeps looking it up on the internet to see what we could have done or if the emerg vet could have been wrong. I know it's part of his healing process, but it tears me apart, and now I have begun to question it myself. I even resorted to calling our vet (the one we love) and asking for her to take a second look at the x-ray to give us her opinion. I know that it won't solve anything, and it's totally irrational, but I couldn't help myself. I miss the little guy all the time and I keep thinking I hear him or will reach over to pet him without thinking.

I feel so awful that we weren't home the night before it happened and couldn't even spend his last night with him when I would give anything to have that night now. It makes me question everything to do with becoming a mother and making decisions for a child that will be as helpless and without a voice as my cat at first.

My house feels dead, completely void of life, and it's been a week and I just can't stop crying.

On top of all of that the house deal went through so we begin renovations (tearing things down anyway) tomorrow. I should be excited or at least interested and I have no energy for it.

Also, my mother in law is usually amazing, but I can't STAND talking to her about anything baby related. We were there for dinner the other night and I thought I was going to explode with anger. She covered "You are huge!", "That baby is going to be gigantic!", and a story about how I need an OB because I'm "obviously" going to need a c-section since the baby is still breech... I tried to be reasonable and count to ten, but honestly this needs to stop. I finally said something along the lines of I don't think I can talk to you about this anymore because it feels like you are trying to scare me and I still have EIGHT weeks to turn the baby... There are many natural methods that I am using and I feel very confident that I will not have to resort to a c-section. And she wonders why I'm not going to her hospital (she is a mother and babes nurse in a hospital with a super high c-section rate) and that I don't want her in the room! I mean please! She is stressing me out big time right now, and I'm worried about my blood pressure with the way I have been feeling lately. I am really trying to go as natural as possible and I don't think it's fair to have to validate my position on these things especially to someone who is supposed to care about me and the baby. I mean using what I consider "scare tactics" is kind of a low blow if she's actually trying to help. It's incredibly frustrating, and I really hope my midwife can ease my mind about these things. I kind of feel like my birth experience is rapidly being taken out of my hands and I need to start feeling more safe and comfortable with it. I want what will be best for the baby, but I can't help thinking that our bodies were designed to do things, and all these interventions are going to be forced on me in a critical moment of weakness.

I have my appointment on Tuesday, and I'm thankful that my husband will get to come this time, as he hasn't even met my midwife. I am hoping to go over my concerns about interventions and try to work something out with her so that I can remain at home for as long as possible before heading to the hospital when the time comes. I still can't believe it's this close now. One girl I know mildly well had her baby at 33 weeks and I just can't fathom the thought at this point! I am only now getting used to feeling the baby move fairly often.

I am still having intense trouble with my pelvis and it's impossible for me to turn over in bed or even get out of bed in the night without help.... this makes life a bit difficult for my husband....

Sorry for the garbled post, but thank you to anyone who reads and can understand where I am coming from. I feel a bit alone about all of it. It feels good to get it down in black and white to truly understand the overwhelming emotion that I haven't really been able to put into words until now. So, thank you. I hope everyone has a good week, and next week maybe I will be able to stop crying long enough to write about my appointment and maybe some positive things. I hate being such a negative writer.