Pressing the Panic Button

I'm currently at 39 weeks and starting to feel the anxiety kicking in. My hormones haven't been too bad, but lately they seem to be changing and kicking into high gear. I feel scared about the birth now, and felt so comfortable about it before! I am constantly worrying about how my decisions are going to affect others rather than focusing on how I am feeling, and I know that it's not helping or healthy. I'm trying to stop by actually telling the people I'm having trouble with what is going on with me.

Since my last post (two weeks ago, I believe) I have had three appointments. The first was a great consultation at my house to make sure that if I were to want to stay home to deliver I could. Everything on that front is just fine. Our rental house will be suitable and my midwife would like to discuss inducing if I go later than ten days which is right at the end of the month (May 1) anyway. We will labour at home for as long as possible and then decide when the time comes whether to head to the hospital or stay at home. I would LOVE to stay at home, but this is where the thinking of others plays in. I know that I can list probably at least five people that will actually be angry at us if we were to make that decision. I should not have to think about that, but yet it occupies much of my thoughts.

My next appointment was interesting as I surprised myself by agreeing to an internal when I thought I would say no unless absolutely necessary. It was a positive experience. My midwife was incredibly gentle and even though my cervix is posterior she managed to do what she needed to without any pain. She said that the baby's head is down so low that it was almost difficult to get past it to even reach my cervix! I obviously googled posterior cervix to make sure I understood what she was explaining about it, and it's both common and nothing to worry about. Apparently, the cervix can move about with ease and tends to come forward during active labour.

Then at my most recent appointment I surprised myself yet again and agreed to strip my membranes. I am concerned that this will be a big baby and from what I could research about stripping the membranes it can help bring on labour if you are close already and doesn't seem to be unhealthy with a pregnancy that is progressing normally (such as no placenta previa etc.). Because my cervix is still posterior it was a tad more difficult to accomplish, and interestingly it didn't actually hurt, but there was alot of pressure in my tummy at the front. I bled alot and there was a moment of concern, but as I had just had an ultrasound we knew that my placenta was nowhere near the danger zone. I stopped bleeding fairly soon after, and everything was fine.

Then I had cramps through the night (normal) and woke up to my mucous plug coming out! Wow, I know it's normal, but that was pretty gross... That was yesterday morning so now I'm just waiting to see what will happen next :)

In the crazy life areas our rental house is being shown now, and it's terribly annoying to have to make sure that I tidy up constantly when I'm EX.HAUST.ED. Especially because I am still working full time (plus some OT) and there is really no time between trying to finish last minute things, working, and both houses...

Our rental house is mainly packed but for what we are still using... the new house is coming along great but as with all renos it could be faster... could always go faster.... I am almost done all the main cleaning but it's so difficult to do when there is still some of our stuff in there! Ryan thinks that the painting should be done this week, so I hope to get our stuff moved by the end of the weekend (the stuff we aren't using) and therefore create less to worry about later...

Physically I feel good once I am up and out of bed in the morning, but nighttimes are getting progressively worse. My pelvis and hips seem to lock up in the night and I can't get out of bed without some serious work. It hurts so badly and it's a sharp breath-taking pain that shocks me pretty badly when I'm half asleep and dying to pee. In some ways I need to have some major discomfort because I'm still comfortable enough at this point to keep the little guy inside for another month or so... I need to start to feel that agonizing get this kid out of me- I'll do anything feeling so that I will ready for labour. Right now I feel like work and the house are too crazy to throw the kid in the mix right now!

Have a good week everyone and I'll update again soon!