Meltdown

Well. In the crapfest that was yesterday, where do I begin?

It was a really, really hard day.

I started spotting late yesterday morning - just a bit of bright red on the tissue, but enough to toll the death knell for my hopes this time around. I thought this cycle was SO promising, and I was crushed. You always try not to get your hopes too high, but I admit I did that this time. They were high. They were sky high.

So not only was there the glaring obviousness of another failed cycle (how can anyone have that much sex and nothing to show for it?), but I was also reeling from the discovery that two of the most shockingly irresponsible people I know are having a baby...and she's due the same week I was before I miscarried.

Honestly, I'm still wallowing in bitterness over this - frankly, it's difficult to stay positive and optomistic and not feel punished when you do everything right and still can't succeed, while other, shall we say, less well suited individuals are out there spawning like blowflies. I know life isn't fair, but...you know what I mean.

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And that's when I fell apart. I was so emotional and totally unable to cope that I ended up leaving work at lunchtime; luckily my supervisor is a friend who knows what's going on, so she was understanding when I started bawling on her shoulder. Yup, bawling. I didn't lie in the post title, I really did have a meltdown.

The spotting continued throughout the day, but steadily lessened - in fact, it had pretty much disappeared by the evening so I decided to do the Q-Tip test*; it was pink, so I figured that was that. I had a vodka martini - at that point, why not? - and went to bed.

So far today, there hasn't been any spotting and when I tried the Q-Tip test again this morning, it only had a very small amount of brown - i.e., old - blood on it. I thought that maybe the spotting was a fluke, so I took a HPT this morning. Totally negative. I'm definitely not knocked up, and Aunt Flo is screwing with me. (I'd like to think that the spotting was from implantation, but that's really just a last ditch effort to cling to hope - I know it probably wasn't.)

As you all know, I decided not to temp the second week of the 2WW to save myself stress. And right about now, I am reeeeeeally wishing I had some temps to go by. It would be great to see a big ole drop on my chart to confirm Aunt Flo is on her way. It would also be great to have my body stop being a big tease and making me wish there's still a chance when there isn't.

Ugh.


* The Q-Tip test: if you think AF might be on her way, but you're not actually spotting, you can slip a Q-Tip up your hoohaw (sounds bizarre, but think of it as a weensy tampon) - if the Q-Tip comes out pink, Aunt Flo is on her way (i.e., "failing" the test). If it comes out clear, she's not going to show just yet.