Just keep swimming

I was just re-reading my last post and...I'm sorry. All aboard the Pity Party Train! First stop - Bitter Valley! I usually try to keep my posts positive and upbeat. But that's just not the way I was feeling.

I think that part of the legacy of a miscarriage is that a failed cycle is possibly more devastating to us than to someone who hasn't suffered a loss. I know it's difficult and potentially heartbreaking for the first timers as well - it's not all roses and rainbows no matter what your experiences are, so please understand that's not what I'm saying.

But when you miscarry, you forever hold a worry that maybe you're broken. Maybe, somehow, it really was your fault. Maybe it affected you physically in some way that you're not yet aware of and you won't be able to get pregnant again. Every time a cycle passes by without success, these thoughts worm their way down a little further, and another little piece of your hope dies, and you have to fight a little harder to stay optimistic. Some days I win the battle, and some days - like yesterday - I lose.

There's a scene in Finding Nemo that I love. When Dory accidentally drops a scuba mask into the inky darkness of a deep ocean crevice, Marlin is too scared to swim down after it. He knows he needs to, since it's the only clue he has to Nemo's whereabouts, but it's pitch black, he doesn't know where he's going, and he's terrified of what might happen. Dory gently leads him into the darkness, singing cheerfully, "When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do? Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim."

Dory is my own personal philosopher. I'm a lot like Marlin - nervous, neurotic, worried about what might happen. I'm terrified that something will go wrong, and the prospect of failure crushes me.

But ultimately, the important thing is to just keep swimming.