How long to take off work?

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A lot of women ask themselves how long they should take off work after a miscarriage, whether they lost their baby at 6 weeks or 20 weeks. I think it's a valid topic, and one I really wanted to touch upon.

A lot of your decision will be based on the culture of your workplace, the nature of your job, the willingness of your doctor to give you a "sick note" and the pressures you put on yourself. Some women prefer to busy their minds and just go back as soon as possible. Others - like me - want to hide away for a while, so they don't have to face the real world too soon.

When to return to work is a personal choice, so I cannot tell you what to do. That being said, I can tell you what I chose to do, and why.

First of all, I chose to have a natural miscarriage (and I will explain the reasons why in another post, on another day). It was VERY important to me NOT to be at work when my miscarriage started progressing. The last thing I wanted to do was to be running out of a bathroom stall, in pain, with blood running down my legs. Oh, and hoofing it 3 blocks to where my car is parked. So, strike one to returning to work straight away.

Secondly, I'm a lawyer and my job is an intense one that requires you to sit at your desk and THINK, THINK, THINK. After a miscarriage, your mind is clouded with so many emotions. I personally found it very hard to mentally focus on anything. There is no way I was in a state fit to be practising law. Helloooooooooo negligence lawsuit. Also, did I want to be sitting at my desk crying my eyes out, especially when nobody knew that we were expecting in the first place? So, strike two to returning to work straight away.

Finally, I really wanted time to come to terms with our loss. I know a thing or two about grief and psychological trauma. I know that if you don't address your emotions now, and just bury it all somewhere in your brain, it will pop up later and haunt you. Usually at the most inopportune time, when you're consumed with stress about something else. Going back to work would mean that I would have to try to bury all those feelings during the day. And by the time I would get home, I'd be too exhausted to really work through my grief, because I'd just fall into bed. So, strike three to returning to work straight away.

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Luckily, my workplace is a progressive one where no questions were asked and I was able to tap into short-term disability. Luckily, someone else was able to step in and deal with all the fires burning on my desk (although some of my clients were pissed). Luckily, my doctor fully supported me staying at home for emotional reasons. Luckily, I was able to get over my guilt and type-A-ed-ness, and accept the fact that I was going to take some time off work.

All in all, I took three weeks off work. Yah, I know, a long time. But, I am so glad I did, for so many reasons.

During my three weeks off, I was battling insomnia at night and felt exhausted all the time. The grief didn't help with the exhaustion either. My miscarriage occurred physically over the course of two consecutive nights, which means I got barely any sleep at all for a 48h period while I was in pain and delivering our little baby. I was able to easily make all my medical and lab appointments, without figuring out excuses for my leaving the office. But, most importantly, I was able to cry all my emotions out and confront all 5 stages of grief without worrying if someone might walk in on me in my office.

Don't forget either, that your hormones are plummeting as you miscarry, and you really do get a form of the "baby blues", where you are easily overwhelmed and emotionally volatile.

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So, if you're trying to decide how much time you need/want to take off, I would suggest you take more than a couple days if you can swing it. Definitely aim to take a week off. I think two weeks is probably ideal, because that gives you some time to get over the initial shock of finding out that your baby is gone.

And, if you're extremely lucky, take that third week and take care of yourself. Get back into the routine of cooking and cleaning up the house. Get out there and go for a walk. Take care of your marriage. And, most importantly, start to feel the hope that things will get better and you will get through this. You will never, ever forget your baby, but you will learn to accept what has happened if you allow yourself the time to work through your grief.