Five thoughts I wanted to share...

Instead of doing up 5 separate posts, you're going to get all that is rattling around in my head in one super-duper post!

RANDOM RAMBLING #1:

• I belong to a message board. It's not a public one, it's one that you have to pay a one time membership fee and then you're a member for life. For the most part, I used to love that message board, but there's some sad reminders on it.
  
• There is one girl who was a week behind me in her pregnancy, so we used to private message each other back and forth quite a bit. And since we live in the same town, we even got together for lunches to discuss our babies.
  
• Now that I'm no longer pregnant, I'm having a REALLY hard time reading her posts. Yesterday she posted that she felt the baby move for the first time. That post completely put me in a downward spin - I was an emotional wreck. I was consumed with the yearning to still be pregnant after reading her post. I couldn't help but shout in my head: THAT SHOULD BE ME.
  
• Thankfully, I feel better today. I have amazing friends and an even more amazing husband. I am truly very lucky.
  
• Oh, and I've logged out of the message board and have resolved not to check until the weekend. If I can hold out, I will not check until next week!

RANDOM RAMBLING #2:

• I am feeling a bit ruthless these days. I'm starting to realize that there are people in life that are "there" for you during good times and bad, and others that are dead weight.
  
• I have resolved today to cull the dead weight. It makes no sense to waste any energy on those who are dead weight, I should concentrate that energy on those who count.
  
• By the way, my sister-in-law is dead weight. I am going to tie a sack of bricks to her ankles and throw her over the edge of my life raft. (You have no idea how good it feels to write these words for the world to read!)

RANDOM RAMBLING #3:

• I am becoming a champion of women who have lost pregnancies. Somebody needs to stand up for these ladies, and explain to others that what they are going through is devastating to them.
  
• I had an argument with a friend the other day. Her close friend, Sally, lost a baby in her third trimester about 6 months ago. Sally is pregnant again. My friend thinks that Sally should stop being sad and angry about the loss of her first pregnancy, and just enjoy her new pregnancy. I completely disagree.
  
• Please, if you know someone who has lost a pregnancy, remember this is a loss they will carry with them for life. A new child does not replace the one lost. A new pregnancy is scary, because of the associations you carry from the loss of your previous pregnancy. Give the woman time, let her speak, do not judge. You do not understand until you have walked a mile in her shoes.

RANDOM RAMBLING #4:

• I am terrified to get pregnant again. Simply terrified, because I do not think I will survive another devastation like this. I would be emotionally and irreparably broken. Forever.

RANDOM RAMBLING #5:

• I've been spotting a bit lately. And feeling a bit crampy. I wonder if this is the beginnings of AF.
  
• This Friday marks 30 days (where did the time go?) from when I passed the last of the placenta.
  
• I have been doing some reading/internet-snooping, and most women seem to get their AF between 20-30 days post-miscarriage. But some have to wait a long, long time (like months!) before they body starts up again.
  
• I am eager for AF to return, because that means only one more cycle and then we can start trying again.
  
• Yes, we're waiting for 2 full cycles before trying again, because that's what my doctor recommended and from what I've been reading/internet-snooping, that seems to be the safest course of action. Sometimes, if you get pregnant too soon, you can have a higher chance of miscarrying because your uterine lining is not built up enough to successfully support a pregnancy. I want to do everything I can to minimize the chances of it happening to us again.
  
• Wait a minute, didn't I just post in #4 above that I am terrified of getting pregnant again? Yes, I am. But I am also equally desperate to be a mommy. And, unfortunately, I have to go through pregnancy to get that. Unless I can convince my husband that adoption is a really, really good idea. Any ideas on how to do that?
  
• Just to share because I like to get things off my chest, I did have a scary thought last night. What if I'm pregnant again? What if we weren't careful enough? If AF hasn't come by Monday, I might just do a test to calm my nerves a little.
  
• Shopasaur is soooooooo right. This whole fertility thing is all about hurry up and WAIT!