Coming out of hiding

I'm not one of those people who keep their mouth shut and their opinions to themselves. In fact I've been known to share my thoughts and views whether they are asked for or not. I'm that girl who if you bump into me on the street, I will look you in the eye and say "Excuse you!" I'm also the same girl who will stop and ask a confused looking old lady if she is lost or needs help. I don't shy away from interactions with other people; in fact I'm more than happy to chat to people on public transportation and share my story. I don't care what people think of me or worry about what they'll say, I am who I am.

Yet today, as I road the bus into work I found myself using the bit of paper I had as a bookmark as a sort of book cover. I didn't want people to see I was reading "Miscarriage: What every Woman Should Know." Okay, so no one I know in person, besides my best friend, knows we are TTC, let alone about the miscarriage and subsequent chemical pregnancy-ugh don't you hate that term "chemical pregnancy,” makes it sound like your body had tricked you; I'll rant about that another time- but I don’t know anyone who ride the 41 bus the mile from my house to my office. In fact I rarely even see the same people day to day.

Yet I didn’t want people around me to look at me and feel pity or anything for that matter. It’s my body; I don’t want anyone else knowing what has happened. We’ve been TTC since early November and I was surprised to find out I was pregnant in late January. We’d traveled transatlantically and I thought I’d gotten my period, but after my jet lag wouldn’t go away once I got home and I had other strange symptoms I took a test and was cautiously excited to be 6 weeks pregnant.

I still don’t know if I was 6 weeks or when I miscarried. Not even a week after the first positive test, I got a negative test. I went to my doctor and a blood test confirmed that my Hcg levels were not high enough for a continuing pregnancy. The best I can figure is that I miscarried about a week before I got my first positive test, which was only positive from residual Hcg, but that is all speculation.

It was hard, but I had already gone into the situation cautiously and had only thought I was pregnant for a week. Unfortunately this last cycle I had a “chemical pregnancy.” I really hate that term; luckily here they call it an early miscarriage. I just feel the term chemical pregnancy makes it seem like your body tricked you into thinking you were pregnant and you never were, when in reality it just means the egg implanted enough to release some Hcg, but didn’t develop any further.

So that’s my story so far. It’s not just my story though, it’s lots of women’s stories. I think knowing I’m not the only one and then trying to learn as much as possible about it is what helps me the most. I’m waiting for an appointment for further tests to see why this keeps happening and in the meantime we are still trying and reading as many books as I can get my hands on.

Not the most upbeat post you’ll ever read, but I promise I’m normally pretty perky. It’s just my TTC, like so many other women’s stories just hasn’t had the perkiest start.