M.I.A.

So, I admit I've been missing in action for the past few days, but things have gotten a little crazy for Blondiesaur & company. I've neglected you all, but here is a quick photographic recap of what's been going on:

(10 mlu test, 11DPO)

(1 10mlu, 1 25mlu, 12 DPO)

(1 25mlu, 1 Superdrug test 13DPO)

(Pregnancy Sac, 17DPO or 4w3d)

Yes, I know that looks like a donut, but hey it's my donut :) After POAS I went straight to the doctor to have bloodwork done. So far my betas (or HCG levels) have been 250 at 11DPO and 886 at 14DPO. Doctors look for your betas to double every 36-48 hours, so mine are looking good! I will get my third and final beta results back tomorrow.
I have another scan booked in from a week from today and this is how they will measure that everything is growing as it should be. We are excited, but very cautious. Hopefully third time is the charm!

Just a little bit

Well, after my freak out of this past Tuesday, I'm feeling much better. More like a human. More like myself. I think when I hit these milestones they're just going to be hard for me. I just need to expect that they will be, and not beat myself up about it. Easier typed than done sometimes, let me tell you. But, just a little bit of perspective goes a long way.

It's been 43 days since our miscarriage (not that I'm counting or anything) and I'm ovulating again. Unlike some of the girls here on Pregosaur, I don't chart, use ovulation predictor kits, or anything. I can just tell that I'm ovulating from two indicators: (1) the presence of EWCM and (2) that I feel a lot more frisky than normal.

Yes, I'm more of a laid back, hippy-crunchie type when it comes to getting knocked up. I like to let nature take its course. Plus, I know that if I started charting and all that jazz, the freak in me would start obsessing over every little thing. Not good for my psyche, or my marriage. So, instead, I go all Earth Mamma.

Photo credits.

And the whole hippy-crunchie thing works for us, I guess. Our first pregnancy we were successful after 2 cycles of trying. So, pretty quick in the grand scheme of things, especially since we weren't charting or anything. We just tried to do the baby-dance once every other day. And we certainly managed that just fine, without tiring out at all.

I'm hoping we'll be as successful, as quickly or quicker (!), this coming round of TTC, which will start sometime in mid-to-late-May, depending on when my 2nd post-miscarriage AF makes her appearance. Time can't pass quickly enough these days, let me tell you...

Mr. Legalosaur and I were talking last night as he held me in bed. I told him that I'm surprised to find that I love our new baby already, even though he or she is not yet conceived. Perhaps that is odd, I don't know. But I can't help how I feel. Part of me wondered if with our subsequent pregnancy I would distance myself initially, so that I don't get hurt as much again. When I told Mr. Legalosaur this, he told me I think too much. That I should just feel what I feel, and not try to predict it, rationalize it, explain it, or feel guilty for it.

Maybe I do think too much... just a little bit too much. But, to our as-of-yet-unconceived-baby-bean, I want to shout from the rooftops... I LOVE YOU. And I love you too, my first baby bean that was too beautiful for this earth. I miss you lots too.

TTC After Injury, An Introduction

Photo Credit

The above cartoon is advice I'd like to give you all. BEWARE OF THE GOAT! Read on, you will see why.

I have never been one to be traditional. From high school (performing arts boarding school that was basically crack in high school form), to college (performing arts college in New York City, great fun for my little hillbilly bumpkin self), to my profession (background actor, yeah, I’m the person who just walked past the camera, then did it again and again and hoped you wouldn’t notice I was the same person), and finally my wedding (destination celebration in Negril, Jamaica Woot!) . In fact, it’s tradition for me to be untraditional. A stark contrast to my parents and sibling who by all means are living the stereotypical “American Dream” lifestyles. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! I often envy the stability they all have. It’s just not me. I was the wild child, I guess. Though I pride myself on staying relatively tame and grounded through all my crazy little adventures. But like everything else I’ve ever done, I just couldn’t be normal when it came to child-bearing.

First shocker I decided to toss at my parents was my chosen birth route. I want a home birth. The whole works- midwives, soothing music, butt naked in a birthing pool, “natural” childbirth- everything I learned from watching “The Business of Being Born”.

Photo Credit

I am a very fortunate person. VERY fortunate. When I first told my parents I wanted to go to my high school I got a few blank stares and then, finally, they said “OK honey, if that’s what you want.” I’m sure they thought it was a phase I’d outgrow, but two years later I was graduating from the Perpich Center for Arts Education Arts High School, 4 hours from where I grew up. The same scene played out for college and later when I told my parents I was moving to San Diego. By the time I told them where I wanted to get married I think they were just happy I was planning on wearing clothes at my wedding. So they weren’t shocked at all when I told them about the home birth idea. In fact my Dad, who in recent years has become the most hippie Republican you’ll ever meet, thought it was the best idea I’ve come up with yet! They fully supported me 100%.

I fell into a few natural birth communities before we even started TTC and it’s been an amazing journey into a world I never knew existed. There’s a fair amount of granola crunching, tree hugginess involved with home birth (as you’d notice if you ever read “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth”), but there are valid mental and physical advantages to home birth that I think “fit” with me. Not to mention that fact that I am a granola crunching, tree huggy person. :) The availability of resources and communities astonished me. Honestly, until a co-worker encouraged me to watch “The Business of Being Born”, saying only that it changed his opinion of childbirth but went no further, I had never even thought home birth was legal/possible anymore! It continues to shock me as I bring it up more and more how popular this method of birth really is. I’ve since met several people in my own social circle who have either had a home birth, planned one but ended up with a hospital birth, or attended a home birth of a friend/family member. It no longer seemed that “out there” to me, and more of a serious possibility.

Photo Credit

So now onto our TTC journey. We half-heartedly started around November of 2008 after 7 months of marital bliss. But then fate decided to throw it’s ugly little head into our well-laid plans. Because of recent strikes in my industry I’ve taken on a second job at an animal center. On February 17th I was cleaning out a goat pen when one of the sneaky little bugger decided to make a break for it. In my desire to contain the situation quickly I decided to wrangle him back in on my own. The result- I fell on my butt in a giant pile of mud and did something my body was never meant to do- the splits. I also fell backwards on a locked arm and threw out my shoulder. The mobility in my right arm has been limited ever since (the other injuries have all since healed). I think it was a blessing in disguise that our attempts in Nov-Jan were not successful because my injury was painful, and my recovery has been extremely slow going and has put me out of work since February. We obviously put things on hold after the accident.

FINALLY, in the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling confident enough with my body and recovery progress to once again TTC. But, not *quite* yet. I have an appointment with a specialist on May 28th to review my MRI scans (all the both of them) and it will be decided if I need surgery to regain use of my arm then. Obviously if a surgery is needed we will hold off a bit longer. But in the meantime, I will continue to prepare myself mentally and physically for becoming a Mother. I've got a nice little check list I've been working on that I'll post about next time.

Until then, it's nice to meet you all!

Back on track

Ready for a daily dose of TMI from yours truly? If not, please skip this post!

Well, seems the spotting has subsided, thank goodness and even better, the CBEFM gave me a High reading today! First of this cycle. I was starting to get worried, because I hadn't seen on yet. Last cycle I had like 10 in a row! Of course that was its maiden cycle and since then it has gotten to know me a little better. Amazing really. And so encouraging.

Mr. Divasaur also patched things up and clarified our expectations during TTC. He acknowledged my dedication to improving my lifestyle and health for the sake of creating the best environment for baby-to-be and appreciates the fact that I have changed my eating, have been working out regularly, dropped weight and cut out many of my favorite things, including daily coffee and weekly wine. He agreed to not drink during the week I am ovulating as well as to taking a men's formula vitamin. Whew! What a relief. I didn't want out miscommunication from the other night to develop into something more heavy.

That said, we stuck with our EOD plan despite waves of crimson. It was fine. I am glad he was open to it and afterwards he said it felt no different (I knew it wouldn't) and that he didn't know why he was so opposed to it all of these years. Luckily by the time we were getting down to business last night the spotting had really lightened up back to faint, traces of pink.

Aside from DH getting his red wings, we also FWP with doggie style. Until now, all baby-making sex has been missionary. But I wanted to mix it up and DH gladly obliged. Afterwards I used an Instead SoftCup, which I kept in until this morning. Overall, what I thought was a dreadful day yesterday ended up better than expected. For that, I am grateful. Here's hoping all of that spotting is behind me and O is just around the corner.

Where has the time gone?!

I received my BFP sometime back in September . . . completely freaked me out, but May seemed like it was eons away. I was vaguely aware of my changing body; hated the fact that I was packing on the pounds like it was nobody's business; until around 6 weeks ago when I hit the big 3-0 (weeks that is, not years). Suddenly my little "bump" was not so little anymore, and none of my clothes seemed to be long enough to cover.

I'll be 36 weeks on Thursday, but today is particularly important because I have exactly ONE.MONTH until little shopasaur's expected date of arrival. Granted, babies come when they like, but it seems so huge to me, to see it on a calendar, that we at most have a month left.

All of my pregnancy related emails (babycenter, fitpregnancy, whattoexpect) are sending me emails about packing my hospital bag, preparing for labor, being able to distinguish between Braxton Hicks and real contractions--- scary!!!

Not wanting to be completely unprepared, I just started putting things away in my "hospital bag."

Here are some lists you may find helpful:
1
2
3
4

Generally, they all list the same things, but some include/exclude little items that may be helpful (I wouldn't personally know yet!). It seems to depend on what type of delivery you have (C-section versus natural) and if you have any specifications on your birth plan (water birth, etc).

9 months (or 10, if you divide 40 weeks by 4) is a LONG time. I was aware that we were getting closer once we started shopping around for different pediatricians, once Mr. Shopasaur tackled putting the carseat into his truck, after 2 baby showers ...

but packing the hospital bag just makes it that much more REAL. Yikes. In fact, in 4 short days I will begin weekly appointments with my doctor, at which point she will begin doing internal exams to see how dilated/effaced I am (yuck, not looking forward to THAT).

Will update then . . .

Today...

Today I should be going to our "big" ultrasound, which I had to cancel.

Today, armed with the knowledge of what I should have been doing this afternoon, my heart is heavy and tears are ready to drop onto my keyboard a moment's notice.

Today, I wonder... will it ever get any easier? Will this sharp pain of loss and longing be carried with me for the rest of my days? Everytime I pass a milestone, will I feel this way? And, can a new baby replace this one, the one that was supposed to be our child in September?

And today, I must remind myself, that I've had a good week. And that for the most part I've felt happy and hopeful for the future. And that while there are always hard times, there are always good ones too.

Today, I am sad. I hurt. I want to curl up in a ball and cry, but instead I'm at work. Trying not to cry in my office. Tomorrow, maybe the sunshine will come out and warm my heart.

What Not To Say

I recently heard about someone who "came out" about their IF on Facebook because of National Infertility Awareness Week. Someone sent them a message saying "the world is already overpopulated anyway." Obviously, this statement was mean and insensitive.

However, sometimes even the most well intentioned statements can be extremely hurtful. If you have a friend dealing with IF who decides to confide in you and share their struggles with you, just be aware of what you should and should not say to them.

IF is very painful and it's impossible to know what it feels like unless you have gone through it yourself. Some say that dealing with IF is similar to grieving over the loss of a loved one, except it happens again and again, every month. It doesn't matter how much you tell yourself not to get your hopes up, inevitably a glimmer of hope builds inside you that maybe this month is "the one." Those who have been TTC for even a few months may begin to understand how this feels. However, infertiles know that there is a medical reason (though sometimes undiagnosed) that is making it difficult for them to conceive. They are not sure if they will ever conceive. About two-thirds of infertiles will go on to conceive a child... but what if they are part of the one-third statistic that does not?

IF treatments take a toll on the couple, physically, emotionally, and financially. The hormones can cause extreme moodiness, bloat, bruises, etc. You're always waiting for the next doctor's appointment, and your sex life is no longer spontaneous. You are told when to have intercourse, or if you're further along in your treatments, you no longer try to conceive your child in the bedroom. Your child is conceived in the doctor's office. Of course none of this is free. Most insurance companies will not cover IF treatments. These can cost anywhere from $300 to tens of thousands of dollars per treatment cycle.

Most people want to be supportive, but don't always know what to say. Here's a guide on what not to say to a couple dealing with IF, taken from Resolve.org:

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

Image Source

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.

IVF is Expensive with Low Odds

One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing

Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues

Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor

Image Source

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:

* Blocked fallopian tubes
* Cysts
* Endometriosis
* Low hormone levels
* Low "normal form" sperm count
* Low progesterone level
* Low sperm count
* Low sperm motility
* Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude

Image Source
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Image Source
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Image Source
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Second thoughts

I have decided against taking the baby aspirin even though my doctor has put it in the "might help, won't hurt" category for me. I have tons of spider veins and it has been recommended in the past but I never did it since they don't hurt and are more of a cosmetic concern than anything else. That said, I don't want to just play chemistry with my body. So I bought some, but have decided not to take it. And now I am not sure about the pineapple either.

I feel like I should just do what I always have done and see if we can get pg that way. DH and I actually had our first TTC spat because I have asked him not to consume alcohol the week I am ovulating and TTC. He flat out refused, told me I was asking for too much and then offered me a glass of wine so I would relax. Needless to say, I was pissed. His argument? Plenty of people have had a little wine (and worse) and gotten KU, no problem. Yeah, he's correct, but then again, it still makes me angry that I am making huge lifestyle changes for TTC and he cannot even do one little thing like lay off the wine and beer the week I am ovulating? We pretty much avoided each other the rest of the evening after that. I went to bed early (so I could actually get 8 hours of sleep) and he stayed up late studying for his final exams. We're going to have to broach the subject again today and hopefully discuss this like two, rational adults.

On another note, in 25 years of having my period I have never had one, then a week later, start bleeding again. This is a first and I am really not sure what is going on. AF started 2 weeks ago and lasted it's normal 5 days. I had some spotting on day CD6, also fairly normal for me. Then on CD9 we BD and I had some spotting afterwards. Just light pink on the TP and one small tinge of red in my CM the next day. Then nothing. CD10 I had some more spotting. Then nothing. CD12 we BD again and I had spotting again. Just traces of pink on the TP. Yesterday, CD13, a little more red. This morning, CD14, more red but not heavy enough to warrant a tampon. And just barely enough to show up pale pink on a pantyliner. WTF? No real cramping like when I have AF and just small tinges/pinching on my lower right side. The only real way I even know I am spotting is when I wipe after going to the bathroom. Could this be mittelschmerz and ovulation bleeding?

I am perplexed and a bit worried. As I have said, this is not normal for me. And it has never happened in the history of my menstrual cycles. I am thinking that body may still be regulating after coming of BCP, even though I was only on them for a year-and-a-half. This is my 4th cycle off.

Now I wonder if I'll even O this cycle. Only time will tell. I also wonder if I should make an appointment with my doctor. This isn't typical for me, but then again I do know that it's not out of the ordinary for women to have mid-cycle bleeding, especially after coming off BCP. So I am going to wait and see, which seems to be the running theme with all things TTC.



Edited to add: Later this morning, there were some very small clots and more red blood warranting a tampon. Now I am little more worried and this definitely throws off our FWP EOD this week since DH is not into having sex when I am bleeding. If it doesn't subside tomorrow or the next day I am calling the doctor. Although according to much of what I have read, most doctors don't get too worried about something like this unless it lasts for weeks on end or occurs cycle after cycle.

Assisting the process

image source

Now that we’ve firmly established that I am totally Type A I have been thinking about all the ways I can help myself get KU. The obvious aside (timed sex around O, charting, OPKs and CBEFM) here are steps I have already taken:

1) Cut out all caffeine, except for 1.5 cups of Green Tea before O. (It’s supposed to help with EWCM.)
2) Radically overhauled my way of eating. No added salt, sugar or fat. By sticking to 5-6 minimeals/day made up of lean protein, low fat dairy, fresh veggies and fruit and high fiber carbs (like quinoa and brown rice), drinking lots of water (2-3 liters/day) I have dropped 22 lbs. I would like to lose more and plan to do so until I get a BFP. But I am doing it slowly so I don’t freak my body out into being annovulatory.
3) Cut out all alcohol. Well I did imbibe during my last AF, but hey! I was on vacation! And I limited myself to 2 drinks/day if at all.
4) Walking 1.5-3 miles/day and resistance training.
5) Taking vitamins everyday. PNV plus Flax Seed, calcium, magnesium and B complex.
6) Getting more sleep. Aiming for at least 8 hours/day.

This cycle I have been thinking…what if I can conceive but it is implantation that may be impeded. The first step is getting the sperm to meet the egg. But then it has to implant. And if it doesn’t then you’re not KU. So I have been researching some TTC supplementation that aides in implantation:

image source

1) Baby Asprin- Take only one (1) per day. a/k/a Children’s Aspirin - 81 mg Start at any time of cycle. Aspirin is known to suppress natural killer cells in the uterus, so it is used for those with immune problems. Because Aspirin thins your blood, it also improves blood flow to the ovaries, improving follicle development, and improves blood flow to the uterus, improving the quality of the uterine lining. This increases the odds that implantation will be successful. Also, during pregnancy, it will help prevent miscarriage in those prone to blood clots. Having blood clots form in the placenta and/or umbilical cord is the cause of many of these pregnancy losses.

image source

2) Pineapple Core- cut into 5 equal pieces, eat from 1-5DPO. Supposed to aid in implantation. Make sure it is the core only.

I also read on many blogs and sites about women using the Instead SoftCup after sex to help keep the semen close to the cervix. I have used Instead before for its intended use during my period, but this “off label” use has intrigued me. Basically, you put it in after intercourse and leave it in for 6-8 hours. It supposedly holds the sperm closer to the cervix so they have a better chance of making their way to the egg. Sounds logical to me and surely beats trying to prop my legs up after sex to keep the swimmers in place!

So I picked up a 7 pack from Walgreen’s this weekend. Seems like an easy, relatively inexpensive, low-tech way to help things along. At least it cannot hurt the process. Instead is made from medical grade silicone and is sperm friendly. So I will be sure to pick up some Baby Aspirin today and some fresh pineapple later in the week. The core is tough and bitter, so I will be blending it into a smoothie along with some strawberries.

image source

Finally, I have been practicing positive thinking and guided meditation specifically on getting pregnant, enhanced fertility and having a healthy body and baby. It’s been a great way to relax and just remind myself that no matter how hard we try. It will happen when it’s supposed to happen. All we can do is be as prepared as possible for that moment to arrive.

It's time to get busy

Before you go any further: I'm going to be oversharing a bit in this post, so if you don't want to read about my sex life, now's the time to step away.

Still here?

OK. You've been warned.

This is it. The week. O-week. I'm moseying along right on schedule to hit the big O sometime in the next seven days, probably on Friday. Which means this week is going to be rather busy.

Yup! That kind of busy.

Mr Bibliosaur and I have decided to go all out this week, getting busy once a day for the entire seven days surrounding my estimated ovulation date. Which might not seem like a lot to some people, but pretty much doubles our weekly average, practically making this a nookie marathon.

But the thing is - we really want a baby. While getting it on for a solid week won't guarantee that, we're doing everything we can to maximize our chances.

And OK - maybe it won't quite be like the covers of all those romance novels. I don't want to use the word "chore," but let's be honest - sometimes the prospect non-spontaneous baby-making sex isn't always the most exciting thing in the world. Sometimes you're tired. Sometimes you're cranky. Sometimes you're just flat out not in the mood, and you have to decide whether or not you'd rather sleep or try to get knocked up this cycle.

All of this said, we're going to try to keep things as fun and pressure free as possible, and hopefully won't be too exhausted by the end of the week. Wish us luck!

P.S. I find it simultaneously hilarious and awesome that Harlequin has a set of romance novels that revolve around getting pregnant. I never realized there was a market for that.

Infertility Awareness

Today marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week (April 25 - May 2) - a movement to raise awareness about the disease of infertility which affects 7.3 million Americans. For those who are trying to come to terms with this diagnosis, there is help. Resolve.org is a community for men and women with IF that provides information and support.

I'll be highlighting some really great articles from Resolve.org during this week. I hope that those dealing with IF will find help from them, but more importantly, that those who are fertile will begin to gain a greater understanding of what infertiles are going through.

The following is information taken from Resolve.org:

Myths of Infertility

Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.

Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.

Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Fact: More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!

Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.

Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!

Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!

Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected. It is, however, still possible to adopt the healthy baby of your dreams. There are also many older children and children with special needs available for adoption.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!

Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.

Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!

Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.

Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!

Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.

Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.

Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.

A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.

Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.

Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.

Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!

Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.

If you like to POAS...

Get a CBEFM. Seriously...you get to POAS everyday for 10+ days. I am CD9 and my handy little machine asked for a stick and I happily obliged. Somehow POAS to track O is way more fun than POAS and getting a BFN. So for the next week or so I will do it each morning until I get my two Peak readings, which I expect this time next week to ten days. Also, Mr. Divasaur and I plan to FWP every other day for the next two weeks. May seem excessive, but that's how badly we want to get KU.

I think last month we should have had at least two more BD sessions after my first Peak reading since you never really know when you exactly O. I had a temp shift on CD17 and another one on CD19 and depending upon whether or not I included the OPK+ on CD16 my crosshairs moved on FF. So, this time we'll go past O a couple of days for good measure. At least we're having fun trying. Then maybe I'll get to POAS on one of those other ClearBlue Easy sticks and see my BFP! Here's hoping!

10DPO

...and the possible phantom symptoms are as follows:

• fatigue: I am ridiculously tired and have been all week. My boss sent me home early today because I looked so tired. Granted I did catch have to catch a 7:45am train to go to an out of town meeting this am.

• sore abs: I woke up Wednesday morning and honest to blog it felt like I'd done 100 sit-ups the night before. I can guarantee you I did nothing to exercise my abs in the slightest.

• lack of appetite: I have eaten very little today. I couldn't even begin to finish my lunch or my dinner. That being said I feel like my pizza's sauce was too sweet.

• frequent urination: I think I'm peeing more? I'm honestly not too sure.

• bruises: I'm 99.9% sure these have nothing to do with anything, but I have to share that I have bruises all over my legs that won't go away including one the size of a large dessert spoon. Bruises aren't supposed to last 4 days, right?

• and of course the previously mentioned pizza face.

I think just about everyone of these could be just random and not cycle related in the slightest, but who knows. It doesn't hurt to share my delusions, especially when I try so hard to discredit each one!

Useless Pregnacy Points Check-in:

Public service announcement

When you are hormonal, waiting for AF to arrive, very likely PMS-ing, dissatisfied with your life in general and looking to change up something, anything...

DO NOT SCHEDULE A HAIRCUT.

Image credits.

'Nuff said. You're welcome.

(And yes, my hair has been fixed now, but not without some serious sleeplessness and HYSTERIC CRYING FITS! Thank goodness that AF came out of all the kerfuffle!)

Pregnancy shenanigans

I wish I could blog about one topic -- but my mind is just filled with randomness. In fact, I wrote an entire blog the other day and went to edit it and somehow ended up deleting it. I blame it on the 'pregnancy brain.'

Update on the name game:
Nope, Mr. Shopasaur & I are still unsuccessful in naming our little one. But since I've been debating names for so long I have accumulated my favorite name resources and they are as follow:
Nameberry: Wonderful, wonderful site + blog. They also have a great book, "Cool Names for Babies," which I found pretty helpful.
Baby Name Wizard: I also own this book, which has been an invaluable resource. My favorite part of the book is that they suggest names that match your 'naming style.'
---Name Voyager : Allows you to explore name trends (very helpful)
Nymbler: Suggests other names you might like based on what you provide
The Bump: Not the greatest name site, but the ladies on the baby names board are brutally honest [caution: & sometimes rather snarky]
You Can't Call It "It" : Baby name blog
Appellation Mountain: Baby name blog
Much Ado About Naming: Baby name blog
SSA Baby Names: Quite possibly the most helpful website-- allows you to see which names are most popular in the state you live. Of course, the 'newest' list won't come out until May, which might be too late for us.
*One other option to find out which names are being used in the area you live is to look up hospitals in your city-- some of them include pictures/names of recent births*

Mid to late third trimester symptoms:
1. Swollen fingers / feet
I had to finally take off my precious engagement ring. All of a sudden my fingers/feet feel incredibly swollen and uncomfortable. I'm terribly sad about it (I didn't think I would need to give up my rings!), but don't want to panic like I did when my ring wouldn't come off!

2. Backache
This symptom has been plaguing me from mid to late 2nd tri., but seems amplified now. I think it's due to massive weight gain & my huge belly.

3. Acid reflux/heartburn
From what I've read, this is due to the baby/belly pushing stomach acids back up into the esophagus. It's extremely unpleasant, but Tums provides an easy fix.

4. Frequent urination
This seems to be most annoying for me at night. It seems ironic that in the last few weeks you want to savor sleep and relaxation, and yet you're unable to b/c you're constantly getting up to pee!

Starting around 28-30ish weeks I started seeing my doctor every two weeks. Initially I was looking forward to bi-weekly appointments because waiting to hear baby's heartbeat for a month seemed so long! However . . . these bi-weekly appointments are becoming a PITA. It doesn't help that my doctor's office is in town and I live around 30 minutes (without traffic) from town. Starting next week [36 weeks], I will see my doctor every week. It is also the week that my doctor starts doing an internal exam to see how dilated I am! I am both scared and excited that the end is approaching! Excited to meet our little one-- & scared for the entire idea of delivery (possible tearing--- eeep! and just pain in general). I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that in 5 weeks or less I will be pushing a baby out of my body. . . :

Comments from others:
I previously mentioned that pregnancy seems to take away the social filter that people NORMALLY have. Here are some new comments I've received:
You look like you're going to give birth tomorrow!
You really should think about buying new clothes ... the ones you're wearing now are getting really tight! (Gee, thanks ... )
You're getting REALLY big . . . I think you're going to give birth early. (Because everyone is an expert in pregnancy)
Gosh, how much weight have you gained? You got huge all of a sudden.

Ugh. That's all I have to say. The belly-touching doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would, but the comments continue to baffle me. The last thing a pregnant woman wants to hear is how HUGE she looks. I already feel unsexy, unattractive and just plain uncomfortable. Since when was it EVER okay to ask a woman how much she's gained?!

The end of my rant.

Passing Time

image source

Until now, passing through life a week at a time has been somewhat regular… isn’t just about everyone working for the weekend? Aren’t we all waiting to say TGIF? Before I settled into non-Bohemian lifestyle that is probably considered “the norm” I remember getting through life one month at a time, when I’d count the days until I’d get to return home again. Of course, there are those situations when I’ve had to live one day at a time and just do my best to get through the next 24 hours. That said, never in my life have I agonizingly passed the time in two week increments, except perhaps, between paydays back in college. You remember? The time between depositing your check and hoping the account isn’t overdrawn? But, now that I am TTC this two week interval is difficult to forget: the two weeks before O and the two weeks after it (waiting for a BFP or more often than not, for AF to arrive).

They say you should never wish away time and that you should always seize the day never guaranteed a tomorrow. And yet, now that I am TTC, I definitely find myself wanting time to move faster. Lately, it really just seems to drag. It's as if I have waited my whole life to finally want kids and be in a place to be able to go there and after 30+ years of avoiding it all, I want to be pregnant yesterday! Never in a million years could I ever have guessed I'd feel this way.

Obviously I have been going about life all the wrong way! Being intelligent is not as beneficial as being patient! (image source)

So, I hope to approach this cycle differently. I don’t want to dwell on the passing days until I O or until I can test. So much can happen in 14 days! A coup d’etat. A sprouting seedling. A life-changing vacation. An entire opera production (been there done that!). Or maybe, just maybe, the start of life for a very special baby. That’s what I hope the next two weeks will bring. But in order to get through the days and weeks, I am just hoping I can distract myself from that miraculous thought. And enjoy each day as it comes. This is definitely a lesson in patience and I find that I must practice if I hope to improve this area of my life. I have never been a patient person and I am definitely not one to wait for anything! I will try my best to be in “the now” and embrace this “in-between” time. And when all else fails, I will remind myself that good things do come to those who wait. Who knows what the next two weeks will bring?

Pizza face

At 8DPO, I've officially entered into the worst part of the 2ww, the final week. Where you begin to over analyze every little symptom and thing that goes on with your body. Even more frustrating is when FF gives or takes away "pregnancy points" based on these symptoms.

Honestly, pregnancy points are a load of crap. Basically, FF compares your chart and symptoms to past BFP charts. As we all know, everybody is different, so they really mean nothing. That doesn't make it any better FF takes them away though!

As for me, well I might be peeing more than normal, I'm not sure. I definitely have been super hungry yesterday and today, but again might just be in my head. The one thing I can concretely say is happening, is that my face is exploding.

Normally a "break out" for me is one spot/zit. Today I have a grand total of three, including a mighty sore subterranean, throbbing red lump on my chin. Over the past few days it seemed just as I got rid of one spot, another appeared. Now they've decided to hang out together, great. Even when I was in HS my skin wasn't like this.

Now is that a symptom? FF doesn't think so and for my sanity I'm going to try my best to avoid all the random phantom symptoms that may crop up in the next week.

Surfing the crimson wave!

Image credits.

You know how women who live in a close quarters end up getting their menstrual cycles to sync?

Well, I gotta wonder if the hormones can cross the blogosphere and cause the same phenomenon. Because, just like Bibiliosaur and Divasaur, I'm just finishing up surfing the crimson wave.

Like Bibiliosaur, this is my first AF after our miscarriage in mid-March.

And YES, it was crampy and PAINFUL. Ibuprofen was my very, very close friend for about 3 full days. I coulda stretched it to 4 days, but I figured I should stop whining and toughen up a little.

For those who are reading this post/blog to get an idea of when they might expect their very own AF after their miscarriage, mine arrived 29 days after I naturally passed the placenta, but I only had just over 2 weeks of spotting-free time.

Incidentally, I've read somewhere that if you don't have 20 days of spotting-free time before getting your AF, then your AF doesn't count as a "true" AF. I don't know where I picked this up, to be honest. Anyone heard of this before, or am I truly losing my sanity?

That being said, I'm not concerned because we're not going to be TTC at this point. We're waiting to start TTC again until after my next AF, so we're waiting two full cycles. Which should put us in mid-to-end-of-May, when we're going on vacation (perfect timing!).

I have to admit, it's nice of AF to show up now and not later. Who would have thought that I could be so happy about AF rearing her ugly head!!? Topsy turvy, I know, but I don't think I could have handled the wait if she was going to stay away for months. For all of you ladies out there who are still waiting for her to show up, I'm sending lots of AF-inducing thoughts your way!

Armed and ready

I'm currently revving up for the 1.5 week wait. Not the infamous 2WW before taking a pregnancy test, but the wait after Aunt Flo leaves town and I ovulate. I've even stocked up on supplies!

This is probably silly, but I bought the same brands as when I got my first positive OPK and HPT. I'm not particularly superstitious and don't really believe in luck, but hey, I'll take any help I can get (although I suppose you could also take them as BAD omens since I miscarried the first time around).


I really like the digital ovulation test, so I stocked up with a new test holder and seven strips.

I hate how ambiguous OPK lines can be, so I really appreciate the clear little smiley face that tells you if you're likely to ovulate soon.


I didn't go digital for the HPT because I've heard that they're less sensitive than the traditional sticks; I have no idea if this is accurate or just hearsay.

Plus the regular ole test was very clear for me last time (a nice solid, dark second line), so I'm sticking with it. I'm unadventurous like that.

I am totally ready. Bring it on.

Just for fun

Who wants to play a game?! Visit Channel4.com to check out The Great Sperm Race! You control a single sperm that has to race through the vagina, navigate the cervix, make it through the uterus and all the way up the fallopian tubes to fertilize an egg.

Below is the only screenshot I got - the rest of the time I was too busy shrieking at my stupid sperm to turn around/why are you going that way/move faster/don't run into the white blood cell. Because it might just be my lame gaming skills, but this game was hard!

But after 30 solid minutes of playing, I triumphed! No idea if I made a boy or a girl (you have to select chromosomes as part of the game) because at that stage I was racing too fast to pay attention.

Have fun!

TIP: after about 10 minutes of frantically pounding the keys, I realized that the down arrow does nothing. NOTHING! It won't back you up or turn you around. Only use the up, left and right arrows. Oh, and up means forward, not up (i.e., if your sperm is facing the bottom of your screen, pressing the up arrow will make him go further toward the bottom, not up toward the top of the screen).

P.S. I sent the link to Mr Bibliosaur, who beat it in 5 minutes. Maybe less. Obviously I need to leave this kind of thing to the pros.

Am I the only one...

...who is sometimes terrified at the thought of being a mother? I know we're all talking about how much we want a baby and I do want one. I want to be a mom. It's something I've always known I wanted. But the closer it comes to being reality, the more frightening it becomes. Part of me still wants to be a kid and have no cares in the world.

Last night I started to stress out about how messy our house is and how I never have time to do all the things I need to do. My to-do list is always neverending. I already feel so overwhelmed with the responsibilities that come with being an adult and a homeowner and I am exhausted all the time as it is. I just sometimes wonder how I'll ever have the energy to raise a child.

I hear from so many people that you just do it. You make do with the little sleep you can get and you just dig down and do what you gotta do. But I just don't function well with little sleep. I could get by with a few hours in my early twenties. In fact, that was the norm for me in college. It doesn't work for me anymore. I end up being lazy and not at all productive.

I read this article today about an episode of Oprah where moms open up about motherhood and how difficult it really is. They talk about the things no one wants to talk about - the feelings of inadequacy, the loneliness, the exhaustion. I'm not sure if it made me feel better or worse to read about these things. In a way, it just reinforced my fears. But it also let me know that the things I'm afraid I'm going to feel are not uncommon. It's good to know that women are starting to open up about the difficulties of motherhood so that when we get to that stage, we'll know we're not alone.

Phew!

I met with my Doctor on March 30th to discuss where to go next after what was technically my 2nd m/c. She and I decided I should be referred on to gynaecology for further testing to figure out what is going on. She advised this could take anywhere up to 8 weeks unless I had private insurance and could go private (all health care is public and free here).

8 weeks is a long time to a Blondiesaur; actually anything more than a week is a long time to me! Luckily I have private insurance, but when I called I was disappointed to hear that you needed 3 m/c for them to cover it. I told the insurance handler, thanks but I'd rather he not send me out the paperwork just in case as I'm hoping not to have a 3rd.

So I waited to get a letter through the mail for my referral and waited and then waited some more until this Wednesday when I decided to call and check up. My Doctor's office said they send the referral on April 3rd (why wait 4 days?) and to call Gyno. So I called Gyno and the woman was very nice but told me she had no record of my appointment and on further inspection no record of my referral, but she had re-requested it from my Doctor.

This put me into panic mode. Does this mean I would now have to wait 8 weeks from now or 8 weeks for the 1st missing referral? So I made sure to call back on Thursday and make sure the referral has arrived.

I call Gyno, who says they actually aren't the right department and they forward me to the Pre-Pregnancy Clinic who are amazing! Not only do I have an appointment for April 30th, but I could have had one on Tuesday if I didn't have work commitments.

April 30th is actually perfect because I will be 17DPO and will know one way or the other what has happened with this cycle. Phew! One less thing to stress about in the 2ww!

If you like Piña Coladas...

Today my frenemy FF gave me crosshairs, which while it wasn't surprising is still nice to see. I started eating pineapple core on Tuesday just in case, so at least I'm not eating the chewiest, most tasteless part of a normally delicious fruit for nothing.

You might be thinking to yourself: pineapple core? Yes, pineapple core. There are many quirky things you can do while TTC that may or may not affect your success and eating pineapple core from the first day past ovulation to the 5th is one of them.

Supposedly pineapple is a great source of Bromelain, most of which is concentrated in the core. Bromelain is mainly known as an anti-inflammatory and digestion aide, but it's been suggested it can alter the uterine lining and also prevent clotting and therefore help implantation.

I have no idea if it works, but I know it can't hurt. While it's certainly not my most favorite way to enjoy pineapple, I'm willing to give anything a try. Cheers and let the 2ww begin!