What not to say

I mentioned in my last post that one of the reasons I wish miscarriage was more openly discussed is so that people would understand the wrong - and right - things to say. So I'm going to write a little list of things that would be better left unsaid, and things that are a good idea.

Oh, and I'd also like to add a disclaimer: I don't think most people intend to be cruel when they say these things - I blame it on lack of experience with the topic, feeling like they don't have anything adequate to say and simply being uncomfortable. I think very few people would say these things maliciously.


"Now you can [insert non-baby friendly activity here]."
Look - we KNOW that now we can drink/smoke/go scuba diving/whatever. I'm all for looking for the silver lining, but no matter how fun those things are, they are not compensation for a baby.

"At least now you know you can conceive."
This is a bit like letting a starving man lick a steak, then saying, "At least now you know you can taste." Sure, it's a positive thing, but is it really something you'd want to hear?


"You need to get over it/move on."
The healing process takes time - longer than a day, a week, a month, maybe even a year for some people. There is no standard grieving period. I'm sure this statement is meant as encouragement, but it feels more like criticism, and that's the last thing you want when you're grieving something beyond your control.

"You can always have another baby."
We know that. But we wanted THIS baby. They're not interchangeable.


"When will you start trying again?"
Oh, in about noneofyourdamnbusiness. Most of the couples I know want to try again, and usually fairly soon. But like "you should start moving on," there's no standard time frame. And besides, since when is my sex life your business?

"There must have been something wrong."
Really? You think so? That never would have crossed my mind! I would never have stayed up crying all night and thinking of all the things I might have done wrong, all the things that might have gone wrong and could go wrong again the next time. Trust me, we've come up with this one on our own - we don't need your insight. (The same thing goes for any comments regarding things we did while pregnant - no need to say "You shouldn't have exercised so much" or "You need to be less stressed.")

"Everything happens for a reason."
I'm sure it does. But what was the reason I lost a baby? Was it because I did something wrong (see above)? Don't mention this one unless you can actually back it up (which you never can) or you know for a certainty the woman would find it comforting.

"At least it happened early - you didn't lose a REAL baby."
Excuse me? My baby might have been the size of an appleseed, but it was every bit as real to me as one I could hold in my arms. I talked to it every day, made plans for its future, did everything I could for it. Don't you dare tell me that I shouldn't be feeling this way because my baby wasn't "real."


"I know how you feel."
This is a tricky one. Don't say this unless you've gone through a miscarriage yourself, and are willing to share that information to validate your statement. Otherwise it just seems trite.

"God has a plan."
Another tricky one. Not suitable unless the woman is a believer - to a non-believer, it might backfire, emphasizing how random and undirected life is instead.

That's the end of my What Not To Say list (can any of you ladies think of any I missed? let me know in the comments)...now for the things you SHOULD say.

Ready? Here you go:

"I'm sorry for your loss."

That's it.

Really.

If you're feeling chatty, you can add on, "I know this must be a difficult time - please let me know if I can do anything for you" or a simple "I'm here for you."

The women I've talked to who are dealing with miscarriage primarily want one thing: emotional support. They want to know that you care, to know that you recognize the pain they're feeling and understand that it's genuine, to have their baby's importance acknowledged. That's as simple as telling them that you're sorry for what they've lost - I know it might feel inadequate, but that's all you need to say. And we'll be grateful - really and truly.