Without more, that first line seems a little funny, doesn’t it? I guess what I forgot to mention is the next part... that we had sex for the first time after our miscarriage.
Ah, that makes a world of difference, those three little italicized words do.
Miscarriage. How I have learned to hate the word. Like I did something wrong, like I failed to carry our baby properly somehow. Sadly, miscarriage is often nobody’s fault, and often it’s impossible to tell why you miscarried at all. But it happens so very often, it’s actually amazing that more women don’t talk about it.
After getting our BFP, we were elated. And after only a month of trying! How LUCKY we were. I had the usual symptoms, like nausea, fatigue, backache, round ligament pain... one symptom that really surprised me was thirst. I could not believe how thirsty I was!
It was all too simple, or too easy, or something. Of course, like most women, I worried. I worried about our baby and whether everything was okay. If the symptoms went away for an hour, I waited on tenterhooks until they returned. Who knew you could be so happy about nausea?
I had discussed the chance of miscarriage with our doctor. She had told me that approximately 20% of first pregnancies end up in miscarriage. Of course, she stressed that 80% of the time, everything is fine. I tried to focus on the 80%. My husband and I whispered to one another, “How many of those 20% are like us, people who want their baby and do everything right?” We convinced ourselves everything would be okay.
As we neared 12 weeks, we got more and more excited. We fell deeper and deeper in love with our baby. We stopped worrying and started enjoying the idea of 10 fingers and 10 perfect little toes. I even went onesie shopping.
And then our world crashed in around us. I started spotting lightly the day after going onesie shopping. Three days later, it hadn’t stopped. I got worried. So I made an appointment with my doctor.
She couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat with the Doppler, but she wasn’t surprised since my uterus was so retroverted. She told me my uterus felt like an appropriate size, and that the type of spotting I was having was very normal. Despite my doctor assuring me everything was likely okay, I somehow just knew somewhere inside of me that it wasn’t.
To ease my fears, she sent us for an ultrasound. March 5, 2009. The most confusing and painful day of my life. The day we found out that our baby died.
And so, yesterday, my husband and I had sex for the first time after our miscarriage. And while it was perfect and beautiful, my body shook with sobs after the deed was done. I was overcome with so many emotions, it’s practically impossible to put them all into words.
As he has done so often this month, my husband held me while I cried, and told me that he loved me. It’s all he can do right now.
This brought me to tears. I had my d & c on 3/23 and I dread having sex for the first time again. I can't even think about it. Just like drinking alcohol for the first time again felt so wrong, like I was neglecting my baby. I also hate the work miscarriage. It is such a hurtful word. I hope things look up for you!
ReplyDeleteThis made me tear up too - I had the same reaction after our first time a couple of days ago too. It was great and I was completely fine, and then I burst into tears when it was done. I was just so full of conflicting emotions...you feel happy that things are returning to normal, and sad because of the reminder of what you've lost...thank you so much for writing this.
ReplyDeleteI'm dreading that first time too, I know I will lose it. Yet, I miss it terribly, I miss that closeness with my husband. he's been wonderful since we lost our son, he takes good care of me, but I know we're both hurting in ways we can't yet express to each other, and since we don't know how to say it all, we don't know how to help each other, either.
ReplyDeleteI hope things get easier for ALL of us who've had to go through this.
Good luck to you!!
(Jamers615 from The Bump)