I am 34 years, 3 months, and 18 days old. For 34 years I was not interested in becoming a mother let alone thinking about ever wanting to be pregnant. The last three months and two weeks have been different. 180 degrees different. I have been around babies and kids over the years. They like me. And most of the time, I like them. But I have never seen myself as someone who would want to have any of my own. I was a free-spirited artist, traveling the world and loving my quasi-Bohemian lifestyle....vissi d'arte, vissi d'amore.
Then, I feel in love and wanted something different. My passion for my art was eclipsed by my love for my man. I married my equally free-spirited, artistic and quasi-Bohemian boyfriend and life got real. And fast. Being apart was unbearable. The financial uncertainty that comes with being professional musicians began to outweigh the unlimited freedom our professions provided us. But, the thought of being "tied down" was not appealing in the least and our furbabies were really our only "tethers" to being in one place on a regular basis.
Then, we nearly lost Mr. Divasaur's mother (two Christmases ago) and it snapped us into reality. We wanted to be closer to her. And we wanted to start a family of our own. We wanted a home with a yard for the furbabies. We wanted regular time off, paid vacations and the security of direct deposit every other week. Until then, all of that stuff made us feel "tied down." It was surreal. Fast forward 6 months and we had packed those furballs into our newly acquired and oh-so-practical mini-SUV (after getting rid of my vintage, two-seat, red convertible) and drove halfway across the country from the beautiful cities and coastline we adored to settle down in the middle of the country where storms tear through grass plains. But, we were closer to mom. And closer to our new dream.
It has been an interesting process...to go from being free-wheeling and fancy-free to making-plans and lining things up methodically. Maybe that comes with being your 30's? I mean, I have always been a planner and very type A, but something happened once I left my somewhat carefree 20's behind me in a cloud of self-discovery and selfishness. All of the sudden is was less about me and more about those I love deeply. And I developed a keener sense of time. And timing.
Which leads me to the point of this post. I think. You see, part of leaving my life as a self-employed musician meant taking a high powered desk job where I am in charge of many, many projects for a pretty major organization. I really like it. It's quite challenging, the pay and benefits are fantastic (including lots of paid time off, a 100% matching 401K and full health coverage, including maternity leave) and unlike any I have had in my life. And I still get to travel. To cities I have never been to but always have wanted to visit. Like Auckland and Prague. But with all of this fabulousity comes major responsibility. Some of which require me to try to plan my first pregnancy around my major work commitments. In 2010 I will be traveling for weeks at a time, every month between July and November. This is why I hope to have a baby in March or April of next year. Which is why we're planning to try to get KU this summer.
And that was the original plan, when we had decided that we'd be "normal" and work regular jobs that let us be in the same place at the same time more often than not. We thought I'd be on the job two years, get through the major travels planned in 2010 and then, once the dust settled a bit, get to making a baby. It certainly might be easier than trying to cram conception into three or four cycles in the summer of 2009. It would give me more time to lose weight (so far I am down 20 lbs., but would I'd like to lose at least 40 more), save more money, let Mr. Divasaur be closer to finishing school. But it would also mean letting more of my fertility possibly slip by untested. Letting 18-22 months go without TTC now that we've decided to do it is scary to me. Like when the clock stikes midnight on my 35th birthday all of my viable eggs might crack and dry up. I know this is not likely to happen, but am I willing to chance it? On the flip side am I willing to jeopardize my position (newly acquired) in my company with the possibility of missing major obligations for my job? And finally, what emotional risk myself and in my marriage by delaying all of this? So many questions. Mr. Divasaur wants to just go for it and then see what happens. I am not as comfortable with that, especially because I am the "breadwinner" for our family and could suffer serious repercussions at work if I just "wing it." Did I mention that my mom thinks I am nuts for even thinking about any of this? "People in our family just get PG with out planning it." "If you want a baby, then have a baby!"
I really don't want TTC to be any more stressful than it already is. I want it to be fun and joyous. I want to feel whimsical and spontaneous in the process. Some of that is taken away when you're actually trying to plan to get KU. Because of the charting and all. But I also hope that it frees it up because you gain a better idea of when you can actually, possibly, conceive in any given cycle. No guarantees, of course, but at least a shot in the dark.
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