After reading Bibliosaur's last post a couple of days ago, there has been a heavy weight upon my heart. First of all, I am just devastated for her and Mr.Bibliosaur. I hesitated to even write this post because what can I write after that? How can anything I am thinking or feeling be worth taking up the space after her posting those most feared words? I imagine that I am not alone in these thoughts though and wanted to share them here.
When you decide to take that next step and really, really allow yourself to want to start a family, something happens. In that place where selfishness has lived a small break is made. When you decide to be married it is broken open slightly, allowing the love for your spouse to come in and grow. But even in marriage, some selfishness remains. And in the new marriage, although you give of yourself to your spouse you discover that there is more room to give...and that space expands and grows into the desire to be a parent. For one that has been selfish in many ways for most of my life, wanting to be married and now, wanting to be a mother, has been a true marvel and revelation.
And now that I have allowed myself to dare to want a baby it's quite scary. There's so much that is unknown. Will it happen? Will there be complications? Will I be challenged with infertility? Will I miscarry? Will they detect genetic issues? Will there be pre-term labor? Will I have problems with the labor and delivery? Will the baby be born healthy?
And all of this comes up before you ever get to the place where your take your new son or daughter home, which brings up even more fear and anxiety. Will I be a good mother? Will I be able to breastfeed? Will I have to suffer a loss to SIDS? Will this baby strain our relationship? Will we be able to afford it emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially?
I have always been a realistic optimist in that I am fully aware of reality but choose to see the positive side of it as much as humanly possible. In my three-plus decades on this earth I have learned that no matter what negativity comes my way, I can handle it, even if at the time I don't really believe that I can. That said, I am open to challenge and know that it leads to growth, but I don't welcome those moments readily.
When you're TTC it's easy to fall into the worry and fear. At least for me. Maybe it's because I know too much. I have known several women who have struggled to even get pregnant. And another who got her BFP only to find that 8 weeks later, it was a blighted ovum. Or who miscarried for no detectable reason. Or who went into pre-term labor and lost the baby at 20 weeks. Or who made it to 38 weeks only to deliver a stillborn. Or was told that her day old baby had major heart defects and would need life-saving surgeries for most of his childhood. Or who brought home a perfectly healthy infant daughter only to lose her 12 weeks later to SIDS. I know these women personally and I know that there are many, many more with similar stories. It frightens me to think that I may just share their story at some point in my journey to motherhood.
When you decide to take that next step and really, really allow yourself to want to start a family, something happens. In that place where selfishness has lived a small break is made. When you decide to be married it is broken open slightly, allowing the love for your spouse to come in and grow. But even in marriage, some selfishness remains. And in the new marriage, although you give of yourself to your spouse you discover that there is more room to give...and that space expands and grows into the desire to be a parent. For one that has been selfish in many ways for most of my life, wanting to be married and now, wanting to be a mother, has been a true marvel and revelation.
And now that I have allowed myself to dare to want a baby it's quite scary. There's so much that is unknown. Will it happen? Will there be complications? Will I be challenged with infertility? Will I miscarry? Will they detect genetic issues? Will there be pre-term labor? Will I have problems with the labor and delivery? Will the baby be born healthy?
And all of this comes up before you ever get to the place where your take your new son or daughter home, which brings up even more fear and anxiety. Will I be a good mother? Will I be able to breastfeed? Will I have to suffer a loss to SIDS? Will this baby strain our relationship? Will we be able to afford it emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially?
I have always been a realistic optimist in that I am fully aware of reality but choose to see the positive side of it as much as humanly possible. In my three-plus decades on this earth I have learned that no matter what negativity comes my way, I can handle it, even if at the time I don't really believe that I can. That said, I am open to challenge and know that it leads to growth, but I don't welcome those moments readily.
When you're TTC it's easy to fall into the worry and fear. At least for me. Maybe it's because I know too much. I have known several women who have struggled to even get pregnant. And another who got her BFP only to find that 8 weeks later, it was a blighted ovum. Or who miscarried for no detectable reason. Or who went into pre-term labor and lost the baby at 20 weeks. Or who made it to 38 weeks only to deliver a stillborn. Or was told that her day old baby had major heart defects and would need life-saving surgeries for most of his childhood. Or who brought home a perfectly healthy infant daughter only to lose her 12 weeks later to SIDS. I know these women personally and I know that there are many, many more with similar stories. It frightens me to think that I may just share their story at some point in my journey to motherhood.
Wanting to become a mother is not just about being ready to TTC. It's not just about being ready for morning sickness and stretch marks; sleepless nights and dirty diapers. It's about being ready for The Unknown in every way that the world can be unknown. And it's about letting go. Letting go of what is truly beyond my control and holding firmly onto hope. Hope that it will be okay and that, even though there may be challenges, my life until this point has prepared me to find a way to cope. It's scary, but I don't want to be afraid. And so I will take a step into the unknown and try to approach whatever lies before me with an open heart and mind.
Wow, I really like this post. You summed up so well exactly what I have been feeling.
ReplyDeleteI had a break down last week because I am soooo anxious for our next appointment (it's on Wednesday). It'll be FOUR WEEKS since I last heard Lima Bean's heartbeat and I was freaked out that something could be wrong. And then freaked out that something could be wrong at our big ultrasond next month. Then freaked out that I would deliver a healthy baby...
And I realized that it has already started. A mother's worry. It scares me and yet comforts me at the same time to realize what it is.
The biggest, overall lesson I have learned, thus far, in my 19 mths of motherhood:
ReplyDeleteLetting go.
Which you summed up here, towards the end.
It seems parenthood brings to the fore every fear you could possibly harbour.
It cracks you right open and lays you before the world in the most vulnerable state a human can ever be.
It makes you doubt every move you make and feel guilty over the decisions you do make ie. she didn't get enough sleep today/am I letting her watch too much tv and will it slow down her imagination/I wasn't able to get much food into her today, she's such a fussy eater/I need to go to work but I hate that I have to leave her
(oh that list goes on...)
You approach parenting your new, first child by scanning the parenting books/forums/listening to your maternal health nurse and then you try to to mould your baby and you around all this new info. Often, your baby doesn't 'take' to these new ideas/routines. You get frustrated.
Then a realization hits.
Let go.
If there's one thing parenthood taught me is that I can't control everything. All you can do is be the best mum you can be, once your child is here and, above all, love him/her.