The dark side

I was very interested to read this comment from CryBabyInk on my last post - she mentioned that she's glad I'm continuing to blog, because 'pregnancy is more than ribbons and rainbows, there's the "reality" of it too...m/c, infertility and all sorts of other issues are the dark side.'

The reason this came to my attention was because of a conversation I recently had with other women going through the same thing - the discussion was about whether or not we would discuss our miscarriages openly, after the initial rawness had passed. My first instinct was, "yes - of course." I found it strange that anyone would even ask that...until I started thinking about it.

[all charms from here]

I had no idea how many women I knew had suffered a miscarriage until now. It's not discussed. And I can understand why - it's agonizing. Every time you tell someone, you're ripping open the wound again. But at the same time - I had no idea how many women I knew had suffered a miscarriage. I was shocked at how many women in my personal circle came forward to say, "I've been there." In some cases, not only did I not know at the time, but I didn't even know months or years after it happened - I didn't find out until it happened to me.

I had no idea.
Although our society has become far more open about sex, pregnancy and childbirth, there is still a kind of dense fog surrounding miscarriage. For something that happens to one out of every five pregnancies, there is a deadly amount of silence surrounding it.
There seems to be an underlying sense of shame and secrecy about it. It's almost as though it's a disease, as though there's a kind of karmic reasoning that you must not have deserved a baby for some reason; as a society, I think we have a difficult time accepting that things happen without a reason, especially regarding tragedies - that life simply isn't fair. Sadly, the silence makes it seem as though somehow we are to blame. And this is horrible, because trust me, we don't need any help blaming ourselves: was it something I ate? Something I didn't eat? Too much exercise? Too much fat? When a baby is growing inside your body, you feel responsible even if there was nothing you could have - or shouldn't have - done.
Right now, if I could single-handedly change one thing about the world, this would be it. I want people to understand how common miscarriage is. I want people to understand that most of the time, it's not anyone's fault - it just happens. I want it to be accepted and discussed so people understand the right thing to say when they find out (more on that in another post). I want women going through this to understand that they're not alone right from the start, that there is a massive sisterhood of support available.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm continuing to post because I want to be open about this. I want people to realize that it happens all the time to women all around them, and they may not even know. I want people to understand the rage and pain and sorrow and frustration that we feel inside. I don't want to be secretive, because that makes it feel shameful, like I did something wrong. The things I talk about might not be pretty or always happy, but they will be honest - hopefully I can help bring miscarriage out into the light a little more, even if it's just in my own tiny world.