When is enough enough?

I´ve been having lots of deep thoughts lately, but this weekend in particular. Yesterday I watched the latest episode of 16 and Pregant on MTV´s website. It´s the episode with Catelynn and Tyler who decide to give their daughter up for adoption. It made me cry. Not in a bad way, but in a good way. If you haven´t seen it, it´s actually a really good episode. For once I didn´t feel like screaming or shaking anyone. It struck a chord with me.

Adoption is something I´ve been thinking about off and on lately. My husband brought it up a few months ago when I was in dispair that it might never happen for us. I sort of blew him off but mentioned what he´d said, to my therapist. She actually told me she thought it could be something for me to hold onto kind of like a parachute for a fighter pilot. You hope you don´t have to use it, but it´s there for you if you need it. That´s not exactly how she put it, but that´s how I summarized it. As she said I´m not there yet, but maybe checking it out, researching it online might put me at ease. I ignored that suggestion, but kept thinking about it off and on again. It´s a thought that just wont go away.

I´ve been thinking a lot about when I´ll get to that point of having had "enough". When do you call it quits, and when has it been enough? Dr. Leslie Regan says in her book on miscarriage that you will know when you have had enough and are ready to quit. I haven´t had enough yet, but I´m almost there I think. I don´t know if this will be my last try, or if I would be willing to try just one more time. But I have reached that point where I know that I´ve almost had enough. I´m not quite ready to leave this game and I really hope that my next pregnancy works out, but if it doesn´t then I´m one step closer to reaching enough.

Yesterday evening Mr. Lillysaur and I went to the video store and I picked up "Then She Found Me" with Helen Hunt, Colin Firth, Bette Midler, and Matthew Broderick. I didn´t really read the synopsis on the jacket, just looked at the cover and said that´s the movie I want to watch. We brought it home, popped it in the DVD player and began watching. It seemed silly enough in the beginning, but about 15-20 min in I knew it was actually a pretty deep movie. When Helen´s character April longs for a baby, can´t seem to get pregnant but refuses to adopt she says some things that really hit home. When her character then goes on to experience a missed miscarriage I realized this movie was about me in some ways. In the end she accepts her situation....

If it doesn´t work out for me it will be very disappointing, but it wont be the end. I´m not saying that it will be easy. I´m not that naivè. But maybe, just maybe there is a child waiting out there to be adopted. It´s a thought that darts across my mind now and then.