Waiting . . .

It seems that everything PG-related involves waiting. Although Mr. Shopasaur and I did not TTC, from what I've read, you have to get off of BC, then begin charting. Once you begin charting you wait to ovulate. After ovulation and FWP (hehe), you then have a 2WW (2 week wait for those who are TTC-stupid like me!) to find out if you have a BFP.

Once you get your BFP (if you do get one), you typically wait 8-12 weeks before seeing a doctor. Most doctors don't see a PG lady until they are about 8-12 weeks along. After confirming the pregnancy and finding out if the little one is viable and healthy, you wait again for the "big" ultrasound-- at about 20 weeks.

After 20 weeks, you wait. And wait. And wait. Until your little one is ready to pop out. Actually, there are little milestones within the 40 weeks of pregnancy. After 20 weeks, you wait for 24 weeks, which is "V-day" on thebump, or viability day-- the day that your little one's chance of viability outside of the womb increases dramatically. (This doesn't say anything about the actual quality of life your little one will have, but the chances of them surviving goes up drastically.)

At around 28-32 weeks (depending on your doctor), you go to bi-weekly appointments and at around 36 weeks, weekly appointments.

Well. I'll be at 34 weeks soon and I am not a patient person. Waiting is not fun. Preparing for a baby, yes, is fun. [The clothes are just TOO cute!] But being huge and uncomfortable and knowing that I still have 6 weeks ahead of me is not the most exciting thought. I read somewhere that pregnancy actually lasts 8 months and 2 years because the last month is so long and just seems to draaaaaaag on to no avail.

While I am futless and uncomfortable, I would like to make it clear that I would like my little one to cook inside of me as long as she needs to so that once she's out she is happy and healthy. Afterall . . . if I've gone 34 weeks with her cooking, what's 6 more, right? RIGHT??

Back in the saddle

Well, Mr Bibliosaur and I are back from our vacation, and I have to say it was exactly what we needed. Time for ourselves, time to relax, time away from everything - all the stresses, all the emotions, time to heal. It was also a pressure-free chance to get...reacquainted...with each other.

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Legalosaur wrote a post last month about having sex for the first time after a miscarriage. For me, it was simultaneously one of the best and worst moments during this healing time. Best because it reaffirmed our bond, that closeness and trust you feel with someone you love. Worst because I was so full of conflicting emotions - it drove home the knowledge of what we had lost. I was fine up until about 2 seconds after we finished, and then I burst into tears; I'm glad that first time was when we were still at home, in familiar surroundings - while getting away was great, sometimes home is better.

T0 make matters more complicated, when you have sex after a miscarriage, you need to use birth control. This is for a variety of reasons, from preventing infection (the cervix and uterus are more susceptible than usual) to preventing immediate pregnancy; not only will your body probably not be ready for a baby again so soon, but if the pregnancy sticks it can also make initial dating difficult since there won't be a clear cycle to count from. Condoms are the obvious method of control, since you want to avoid anything hormone-based if you plan on trying again in the near future.

You might laugh, but buying condoms was salt in the wound for me. Since I used one of the most effective birth control methods around, we didn't need them to prevent pregnancy and never worried about a backup method, meaning that it's literally been years since either of us purchased them. I didn't even know what brand to buy. I just stood there in the store, staring at the selection and making passerby think I was weird. So obviously, using them has taken some adjustment as well.

I'm happy to say that since that first time, things have smoothed out. Just like every other part of dealing with a miscarriage, you just have to take it day by day, and eventually things get better. I'm not going to lie - it was difficult at first, and I'll be glad when we can ditch the condoms, but for now I just feel happy to experience the closeness of that bond with my husband again and enjoy the intimacy.

On to the next cycle...

The good thing about charting is that you can tell when your period is coming. The bad thing about charting is that you can tell your period is coming.

My temps dropped on DPO11 & 12 so I figured AF was on it's way. I wasn't all that surprised since I didn't have any pregnancy symptoms, but I was still disappointed. We only BDed the day FF says I ovulated, which isn't ideal. We missed the three days prior and the two after. It was CD30 so we were kinda burnt out from "trying" so much earlier in my cycle. I didn't think I would O that late. Since it was my first real cycle off BCP (because I didn't get AF when I was supposed with my last pack of pills), I had no idea how long it would be. Now I know. Maybe. My cycles have always been irregular. They were always 5-6 weeks before I started BCP and it seems they've reverted back to that now that I'm off the pill.

I know it's only been a couple months since we started TTC, but I've always been afraid that I'd have fertility problems since my cycles have always been irregular. I'm trying not to stress about it, but for peace of mind I bought the new First Response Fertility Test. It's supposed to test your FSH on the 3rd day of your menstrual cycle to determine your fertility potential. According to the website, "If your ovarian reserve (eggs) is low in quantity or quality, your pituitary will produce higher than normal FSH levels early in the cycle, trying to stimulate your ovaries to produce a mature egg. In other words, when your quantity or quality of eggs (fertility potential) is low, your FSH level may be high." If my test ends up being abnormal, at least I know early on and can see my doctor for further testing.

Anyone else try this test? Thoughts?

The wait continues...

Today I POAS and got two BFNs. One on a Dollar Tree test and the other on a FRER. But hope it not lost, my temps are up. In fact, I was burning up last night. It was crazy! My "symptoms" continue and I am tracking them at Countdown to Pregnancy. The fatigue is overwhelming. I am napping 2-3 hours each afternoon. And that's after getting a normal night of sleep. The blue veins are so obvious, especially at night. Oh and my "pregnancy points" are at 99 today on FF. I have read on the boards at The Bump that those have little to do with reality. I dunno though. At this point, we're coming down the stretch. At DPO12 either AF will show her ugly face in a few days or I'll get a BFP. Let's hope it's the latter. All signs and my intuition says the latter, but it ain't over until I see those two pink lines! I am also encouraged by the stat at Betabase which archives the Beta scores by DPO. When I narrow the results for my age, it's really more realistic to expect a BFP after DPO15-16. So I cling to that as well. Even though the Easter Bunny didn't bring me my BFP, I am still hopeful that Santa might bring me a baby.

How long to take off work?

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A lot of women ask themselves how long they should take off work after a miscarriage, whether they lost their baby at 6 weeks or 20 weeks. I think it's a valid topic, and one I really wanted to touch upon.

A lot of your decision will be based on the culture of your workplace, the nature of your job, the willingness of your doctor to give you a "sick note" and the pressures you put on yourself. Some women prefer to busy their minds and just go back as soon as possible. Others - like me - want to hide away for a while, so they don't have to face the real world too soon.

When to return to work is a personal choice, so I cannot tell you what to do. That being said, I can tell you what I chose to do, and why.

First of all, I chose to have a natural miscarriage (and I will explain the reasons why in another post, on another day). It was VERY important to me NOT to be at work when my miscarriage started progressing. The last thing I wanted to do was to be running out of a bathroom stall, in pain, with blood running down my legs. Oh, and hoofing it 3 blocks to where my car is parked. So, strike one to returning to work straight away.

Secondly, I'm a lawyer and my job is an intense one that requires you to sit at your desk and THINK, THINK, THINK. After a miscarriage, your mind is clouded with so many emotions. I personally found it very hard to mentally focus on anything. There is no way I was in a state fit to be practising law. Helloooooooooo negligence lawsuit. Also, did I want to be sitting at my desk crying my eyes out, especially when nobody knew that we were expecting in the first place? So, strike two to returning to work straight away.

Finally, I really wanted time to come to terms with our loss. I know a thing or two about grief and psychological trauma. I know that if you don't address your emotions now, and just bury it all somewhere in your brain, it will pop up later and haunt you. Usually at the most inopportune time, when you're consumed with stress about something else. Going back to work would mean that I would have to try to bury all those feelings during the day. And by the time I would get home, I'd be too exhausted to really work through my grief, because I'd just fall into bed. So, strike three to returning to work straight away.

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Luckily, my workplace is a progressive one where no questions were asked and I was able to tap into short-term disability. Luckily, someone else was able to step in and deal with all the fires burning on my desk (although some of my clients were pissed). Luckily, my doctor fully supported me staying at home for emotional reasons. Luckily, I was able to get over my guilt and type-A-ed-ness, and accept the fact that I was going to take some time off work.

All in all, I took three weeks off work. Yah, I know, a long time. But, I am so glad I did, for so many reasons.

During my three weeks off, I was battling insomnia at night and felt exhausted all the time. The grief didn't help with the exhaustion either. My miscarriage occurred physically over the course of two consecutive nights, which means I got barely any sleep at all for a 48h period while I was in pain and delivering our little baby. I was able to easily make all my medical and lab appointments, without figuring out excuses for my leaving the office. But, most importantly, I was able to cry all my emotions out and confront all 5 stages of grief without worrying if someone might walk in on me in my office.

Don't forget either, that your hormones are plummeting as you miscarry, and you really do get a form of the "baby blues", where you are easily overwhelmed and emotionally volatile.

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So, if you're trying to decide how much time you need/want to take off, I would suggest you take more than a couple days if you can swing it. Definitely aim to take a week off. I think two weeks is probably ideal, because that gives you some time to get over the initial shock of finding out that your baby is gone.

And, if you're extremely lucky, take that third week and take care of yourself. Get back into the routine of cooking and cleaning up the house. Get out there and go for a walk. Take care of your marriage. And, most importantly, start to feel the hope that things will get better and you will get through this. You will never, ever forget your baby, but you will learn to accept what has happened if you allow yourself the time to work through your grief.

Running with my baby in my belly!

Sunday was a beautiful day in Washington, D.C. The sun was out, the cherry blossoms were abloom. It was a perfect day for a long walk (er, jog) around the city!

So with my 19-week-old babe safely packed away in my now-very-snug yoga pants, I donned my cutest Lululemon gear and took off for the National Mall for the annual Cherry Blossom Ten Mile race.

I met a friend at the start and we took off at 8 a.m., running what my Garmin watch said was a solid 10:50 minutes-per-mile pace.

To put that in perspective, that pace is slower than my personal best 9:36 min/mile pace that I set in last year's Army Ten-Miler. It's also slower than the 10:08 min/mile pace that I set on my first Cherry Blossom Ten Miler in 2007.

Still, I wasn't shooting for a 10:50 min/mile finish. So, after two miles, I told my friend to go on without me. I was going to take it slower. She surged on ahead and ended up making her goal of maintaining at 10:30 min/mile pace and finishing under two hours!

Not me. Not this year. I was not running for time. I was running to enjoy the day and introduce the babe in my belly the joys of running. I have heard that babies fall asleep to the rhythmetic motion of your gate and that the movement can be soothing to them.

Of course, I checked with my doctor before running. She said that as long as I was a runner before I became pregnant, I could safely continue. She warned that my joints might be looser and I might get to a point when it would be too uncomfortable for me to run. But until then, it's healthy for me and the baby to get regular exercise.

If you want to know more about running while pregnant, here are several articles that I would recommend: This one from Runner's World, this one about Running and Pregnancy, this one from BabyFit.com and this one from BabyCenter.com.

And as you can see from the photos above and below, I'm not the only one who runs while pregnant!

Back to the race at hand.

I knew that runners had 2 hours and 20 minutes to finish the race. That means that as long as maintained a pace better than 14 minutes a mile, I'd be golden. Walking usually takes about 15-16 minutes per mile, so I knew that I couldn't walk the whole thing. But I could run very, very slowly and take frequent breaks and still finish before the cut-off.

And if I didn't feel like finishing? Well, I had $20 in my pocket to pay for a cab. And I carried my cell phone with me too (at DH's request).

So I took my time and plodded along. I stopped at all the water stops to make sure I was properly hydrated. I even stopped around Mile 7 to dart into a porta potty! I walked some. I jogged some. I found myself "running" with a back-of-the-pack crew that I don't usually see in races.

In the end, I finished the race in 2:04:31 with an average pace of 12:28 minutes/mile. I met up with my friends afterward and one of them teased me that I had not even broken a sweat! It was true. I was running so slowly that my cheeks weren't even red!

I am looking forward to running this race again next year, or maybe doing another marathon. (I ran my first marathon, the Marine Corps Marathon, last October before TTCing.)

I hope that running will help me get back into shape after baby bean arrives. I especially can't wait to get a jogging stroller so I can take Bean along with me on training runs!

The race reminded me that, as with everything, having a baby changes things.

As I ran, I saw two little kids along the route holding up a homemade sign that said "Run Mommy Run." I couldn't help smiling. I hope someday that my child will look forward to coming out to cheer me on.

I also saw a woman running with her young daughter. It reminded me of the eight-mile Great Aloha Run in Honolulu that my dad took me on when I was seven and eight years old. As I ran past them, I smiled to myself wondering if my baby will one day run a race with me.

Because in the end, running a race, like life, is more about the experience along the way than the finish line. I hope my baby can someday enjoy and appreciate both!

Waiting it out...online

So, my 2ww continues...I am nearly done with day six. My "symptoms" continue, so much so that I actually told Mr. Divasaur that if I don't get a BFP, I will be shocked. It turns out that I have Friday off from work for the holiday and will POAS that morning (DPO10) and then on Sunday if I still don't have a BFP. And every other day after that until I get one or AF arrives. Only time will tell...

Until then, I have been researching my symptoms online. Like the road map of very noticeable blue veins that have appeared across my chest! They are so pronounced that MH (my husband) was alarmed this morning when he saw them this morning while I was getting ready for my shower. So I know I am not seeing things. Today I also had deep, dull cramps really low and yellow, creamy CM. The frequent urination continues and I afraid that my coworkers may be getting suspicious of the number of trips I am taking to the restroom. I work with ALL women and they are very intuitive. Also, I continue to be as tired as ever and took a 1.5 hour nap today after work. Oh yeah, and a waltz on Dancing With The Stars made me cry, which is NOT normal for me.

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Some sites that I have come across are this free, Healthy Pregnancy Guide and Countdown to Pregnancy site. Both have helped me with just being okay with what I am feeling. And if this is "all in my head" then I have a very powerful mind and need to learn to put it to great use.

Curious? Obsessed? Clicky:

Some of the TTC boards can be less than supportive of any woman in her 2ww with "symptoms" and I have to say that it irritates me when "women's intuition" is dismissed as being "all in your head." Especially by other women. Speaking of which, Oprah had an interesting show today about motherhood called The Secret Lives of Moms, and it include what "they" never tell you about childbirth and childrearing including just how competitive and divisive women can be, especially when it comes to mothering. It kind of scared me. But after hearing what they said about women making judgments about other women's choices (from the birthing process to feeding, parenting, etc.) I would say that this attitude also extends to just trying to become a mother too. I am trying not to let it bug me because I know that I am just extra sensitive right now. So, for now, I am keeping busy, sticking to sites that are very supportive in the 2ww, taking good care of myself and trying not to stress too much.