The post I've been trying to write for awhile.

It has been about month since my last post. I swear every day I think about posting and sharing what is going on with us, with you, but I can't seem to get the words in just the right order. I can't seem to find the energy to try and explain where we stand. So, it is now that I'll attempt to do just that and I hope you'll understand if things are out of order or don't make sense.

I went and saw my Ob/Gyn. She is fantastic and I am so blessed to have a wonderful Dr. We sat and chatted about what was going on. I told her about my cycles and how they've changed. I know over time cycles change but what I noticed wasn't something I thought was good... lots of clotting during my period, intense backache and cramps. We decided to go ahead and do some blood work and set up an appointment for an internal ultrasound and an appointment afterward to discuss the results.

Day 3 blood work came back good. My day 21 blood work came back good as well. My ultrasound showed that I had a cyst on the right ovary. I have a history of cysts so this wasn't out of the ordinary. There was fluid around my uterus that the doctor believed to have some blood in it. This made my doctor do some thinking. After some more discussion about what was going on we determined that endometriosis is the culprit.

From what I understand, the only way to get a true diagnosis of endometriosis is to go in by ways of laparoscopy and biopsy the uterus to look at the tissues. This is not something we'll be doing just yet.

My doctor has put me on progesterone suppositories (yuck!). I start using them once I've ovulated and wait until when I would get my period to test. I know when I get my period because I've become pretty regular, and I chart my cycles. I'll go through the progesterone for about 3 or 4 cycles and then we'll go from there. I've heard good stories about this working for women and I am hopeful that it will work for us.

I don't want to think about surgery and medicine that I would have to take after that would make it so we had to wait 6 months before we could continue trying. I don't want to think about any of this. I hate how I am constantly reminded that everyone around me can get pregnant and I can't. It makes me feel... I can't even find words to tell you how it makes me feel. I hate this. I wouldn't wish upon anyone. We've only been going through this for not even a year yet... I can't imagine what it would be like to be years into this process. I don't know how those of you going through the infertility battle do it. I really don't.

My husband has been amazing and I am so thankful to have him by my side. I just wish I didn't have to feel so guilty for not giving him the baby he deserves.

I have been looking at Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) as a natural way to help with some of my "ailments" from body aches & pains, migraines, and infertility. I came across a local practitioner in Cary, NC and have been talking to her about things to help without ever having met her. I plan on starting a Arvigo/Maya Abdominal Therapy Massage session with her in March.

This massage technique is to restore blood-flow to the womb and I've also read that it may help if I have any scarring in my tubes, I know I have in my uterus. AT this point any natural techniques I can use to not spend thousands on exploratory surgery is my goal.

In the mean time she suggested this anti-inflammatory diet for me in order to cleanse my body of toxins and to figure out what my triggers are. She sent it along with a list of food to eat, not to eat, and those that cause inflammation, and decrease inflammation.

I have made a transition to this diet and over the past two weeks I have felt AMAZING!! Since I can't get my hands on any free-range and/or grass-fed meats right now I'm going mostly vegan with an occasional 3oz of reg grilled chicken.... and I have my one mug of coffee a day.. hey.. a girl has to have her coffee!!! I splurged over the weekend going to Carolina Ale House to watch UFC, and I really felt a difference the next few days, so I'm really trying to stick by it.

Bonus: I've lost 5 lbs since I started it 12 days ago :)

My Body is a Temple...

I've been working really hard lately to make sure that I eat healthy, drink lots of water, take my many vitamins and get some exercise. I make sure to get plenty of sleep and to do things that make me happy so that my mind stays occupied.

I am fine when I don't think about how long we've been trying. I am fine when I don't have to listen to people talk about their children. However, I have this nagging feeling that something is going on with my lady parts despite my treating my body like a temple. So, I have made an appointment with my OB/GYN. I am going to go in and tell her about my concerns and we'll go from there. I'll keep you posted!

Babies, babies everywhere!

I've always been someone who takes a peak at babies when they pass or enjoys watching shows about babies. It really seems that in this past month I've become hypersensitive to babies being EVERYWHERE! Pregnant celebrities are coming out of the woodwork. Even characters on my favorite sitcoms are talking about having their (fake) babies! Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that some of my very good friends are pregnant or have had their babies. It's the Face.book acquaintances constantly jabbering on about their pregnancies or all the random women I see when I'm out in town that either annoy me (the FB ones) or make me feel sad (the randomers). Then of course there are the days that I have to walk past the maternity hospital and I see expectant moms standing outside having their last smoke before they go in for their appointment. Disgusting.

I think these feelings all come from the fact that I was feeling very hopeful this past month. The month before that? Not so much. We were traveling separately and the timing was off by the time we were together again. But this past cycle? I'll admit I got my hopes up. I was hoping for a Christmas miracle baby. To see DH's disappointment when I told him this cycle didn't work broke off a piece of my heart. Here is my chart:

Looks pretty perfect to me! Boo!

We had agreed that if it didn't happen during this cycle, DH would go to have some testing done. He has an appointment for next week, but it falls on day 16 of my current cycle (I typically ovulate between days 14 and 16) and since we'd have to abstain for 3-5 days prior I'm thinking about pushing it back a few days. Otherwise this cycle will be a total bust.

Well, AF showed up

It has been about two weeks since I last posted and AF did indeed rear her ugly head! She continues to visit me even though her arrival is not welcome and her stay is not fun! I've had terrible cramps and a heavy flow. I am ready for it to be done so we can go head and start up again.

The week I get AF is the worst. I probably could have cried when I started it, but for some reason I didn't. I actually haven't cried in a long while about our situation. I don't know if this is a good thing or if at some point I will just lose it. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Anyway, when AF comes I am in a terrible mood. I don't want to talk to anyone. I am angry at my body and just want to punch something. So, you could say, that going to work is quite difficult when you're expected to be smiley and happy.

I am typically very open about personal things in my life. I don't mind talking about sex, or my period or my body, or anything of that nature with my good friends. Lately, though, I can't even seem to talk about what we are going through and how hard it is because the truth of the matter is that unless you've gone through this, you DON'T know what we are going through. You don't know HOW I FEEL. End of story. I don't want to see you turn your head to the side and "feel sorry" for me. I don't want to hear you say "it will happen". I don't want any of that so I just don't talk about it. Which is fine for most people but some people want to know what is going on and so, I'll start to open up and then I get one of things I just mentioned and I'll be so annoyed I even started sharing.

Well, here we go with cycle #10.

Announcements, Baby Showers, and the 2WW

So lately I find myself getting phone calls, text messages, or announcements on facebook from someone telling me they are expecting. I am certainly excited for their new journey to parenthood but I find that I can't muster up any truly excited congratulatory voice in which to respond. It is quite frustrating when there is something you want so badly but have no control over and everyone else around you seems to be achieving just that.

I'm feeling annoyed at my body. I don't understand what is going on, what is preventing me from getting pregnant, and how to fix it. I plan on seeing my OB soon because I have a past history of cysts... who knows what role that might be playing in this unsolvable equation. I have been working really hard to stay positive and maintain hope. Some days it is just really hard.

There are a few baby showers coming up and I don't want to go them. Period. Of course, I feel terrible because I feel selfish and I want to celebrate with the mom-to-be, but there is no way I can sit there and feel joyous about the numerous cute outfits or bibs for a baby that takes the same amount to cook as it is taking us to try to get pregnant. Would I be a horrible person if I don't go? I would plan to give a gift regardless.

Here is a blurry picture of my current chart. I am only 6dpo. Fingers are crossed. Toes are crossed. Eyes are crossed and so are my butt-cheeks.... if that is possible. :-)

Happy New Year!

Well, here we are in 2011. It is hard to believe that 2010 is done already because the year just seemed to fly by. Don't you think?

We are in the midst of a 2 week wait and man this one is going to be a long one... I can just feel it. I am so hopeful that this is THE cycle. I don't want to be that hopeful because I know what it feels like to get AF instead of a pink line on the pee stick, but I just can't help but feel like it has to work out for us!

To all of you trying for a baby, the first, the second or the third, I wish you the best and may you get the baby you hope for!