Ask yourself, where is your ujjayi breath?

I went to yoga this weekend for the first time since our miscarriage in March.

It was nice to get back into it, but I'm not going to lie. It was HARD! I know that for about a month, I've done nothing physical except for walk the dogs (and cry - can't this be considered an ab workout, sometimes?). Oh, and drag my butt to work.

Had I been thinking a little harder, perhaps I should have taken a gentler class instead of my regular Ashtanga class. Obviously, I wasn't. So, on about the 50th sun salutation, I caved and curled into child's pose for a much needed rest.

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I just didn't realize how difficult a miscarriage would be on my body. Granted, I didn't miscarry until my 13th week of pregnancy, but our baby was only 8 weeks along (we found out at 12 weeks that he had stopped growing around week 8).

Nastily, mother nature decided that my hormones would stay elevated, so I still had pregnancy symptoms. Although most of them were mild, the fatigue was not. I felt like I was dragging my butt around up until the 12th week when we found out the awful news. And then I was dragging my butt around for a different reason, because fatigue can be a symptom of grief.

Aside from the fatigue, my lower back is killing me. I don't know if this is normal or not. I'm going to ask my doctor next time I see her. All I know is that when I walk for any extended period of time, my lower back ends up radiating pain. And my uterus starts cramping up too, because apparently it takes about 6 weeks to return back to its normal pre-pregnancy size. Now that I think about it, the back pain might be related to the uterus shrinking... Hmmmmmmm...

Miscarriage, like pregnancy, is different for everyone. So what I feel, you may not feel. Or you may feel something completely different. How helpful is that?

All I know, is we should take care of ourselves. Listen to your body. If it hurts or you're feeling like you need a break, slip into child's pose and take a break. Hey, this works if you're at the office too. And it's okay to shed a tear while you're at it.

Solid Crosshairs

Yay! I was worried because I had to temp 30 minutes earlier than my normal time because our menace of a cat decided to wake me up. And taking temps earlier or later than your normal time can screw up your chart. I just entered today's temperature on Fertility Friend and even though there's an open circle indicating that the time was not inline with my "normal" time, I still got nice solid, red crosshairs confirming what I really felt was O day, CD17.

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I don't know if it's because this is cycle three of charting and I am starting to really be in tune with my body and get the hang of it or if my ovulation this time around was just way more obvious, but I swear, I actually felt the moment the egg was released. It was like a deep, twisting pinch, low on my ride side, in the triangle between my hip bone, pubic bone and belly button. I was at my desk and it took my breath away for a moment. That was at a little before 3:00 p.m. on Tuesday and by 4:30 p.m. DH and I were down to business!

What's great about today is that I am pretty confident that I am at DPO3. This means that our FWP timing was as ideal as it can get, with sessions on each of the two days preceding O, twice on O day and once on the day after. There is a rule of thought that you should skip DPO2 and be sure to do it one more time on DPO3, so that's what we'll do. Not sure if this is more psychological or what, but it's what I have read on the sperm meets egg plan.

So I continue to wait with a better picture of what the next 10-12 days will be. In the past my temps have dropped considerably by DPO11, signaling that AF was on the way. If my temps stay up closer to next weekend, I will feel hopeful and test on Easter morning. Now all I can do is pray that there's a little zygote on its way to becoming baby Divasaur.

Random thoughts from a KU lady. . .

• Generally speaking, I am extremely easy-going and laid back. Recently though, I have turned into the mad b!tch from hell. Seriously, I have been feeling random flashes of irritation and frustration that my poor Mr. Shopasaur simply has to endure. I know that moodiness is part of the pregnancy territory, but I honestly never thought it would happen to me. All of a sudden, I will start to feel angry and irritated at the smallest of things - - and the rational, logical side of me knows that I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I just can't help it! I sincerely hope for Mr. Shopasaur's sanity (& my own) that this is a passing phase. . .

Mr. Angry (for those who don't know)

• Weight gain. Let's face the facts: once you become PG, you're going to gain weight. In the past, women were told to "eat for two"-- a myth that my doctor quickly dispelled when I had my first appointment after finding out I was KU. In fact, you only need to eat 300 or so calories extra a day . . . which is approximately equal to a tuna sandwhich, or if you are a junk food addict like me, a small bag of Famous Amous cookies. But seriously ... this is hard to do! I mean, can we (or I) help it if my baby craves cookies, ice cream and candy? Even though I have been indulging myself every night with some form of dessert, it continues to shock me when I go to the doctor & the numbers on the scale continue to steadily increase (Who me?! Snacking too much?! It can't be-- the baby must be growing too quickly!) At the rate I am going, I will have no problem hitting and possibly surpassing the suggested 25-35 weight gain guide. In fact, I'm 99% sure I've already passed 25 pounds. What can I say ... we Shopasaur's strive for the best (or the highest). We're "overachievers."
  

• I mentioned my little name dilemna that we are experiencing. And for all you curious cats, we still cannot come up with a name for this little one. Looks like she'll be one of those babies that will be named once she's out of my belly. I sure hope inspiration hits us (and preferably sooner rather than later)!

[The latest update regarding the name game is that Mr. Shopasaur and I wrote down ALL possible names that we might like on separate sheets. We then compared our lists and crossed off names that we didn't care for. We narrowed the names down AGAIN and came up with Brooke, Addison, Harlow, Skylar, Reagan and Teagan. Feel free to share your opinions!]

Here's my lowdown on our names thus far:
Brooke : Mr. Shopasaur's favorite name. I liked it for awhile, but for some reason, the more time passes, it's starting to lose it's initial appeal. Not a good sign.

Addison: Love the name, but we are hesitant that it will become overly trendy and popular... especially with how popular Madison was. We don't want it to become the next Jaden/Aaden/Kayden/Brayden name.

Harlow: I.love.this.name. However, our last name begins with H and I'm not sure how I feel about the H.H. alliteration. Any thoughts?

Reagan: Pretty name, a little too presidential, but my main issue with Reagan is that it's very masculine sounding.

Teagan: It's Welsh (or Irish, depending on where you search) and it means beautiful or attractive. It's very unique though... possibly TOO unique? (i.e. unheard of and she will be teased for having such a weird name?)

Skylar: This is a relatively new name on our list-- we love it so far. We'll see how long it lasts. :)

• The PG body is capable of miraculous things. I also previously mentioned that I was trying to be grateful for all pregnancy-related symptoms, but here are some I am struggling with.

The Linea Negra.
This 'symptom' is not bothersome to me in any way, shape or form, but seriously, what is it? And why must it be so ugly?

My boobs have started leaking. I realize this is a completely normal phenomenon, but ... my boobs are leaking. This is not fun.

And the rest of my "fun list of symptoms" include the normal-- backache, acid reflux/heartburn (Tums is quite possibly the greatest thing invented) and general uncomfortable-ness. I am rather aware that my state of uncomfortable-ness will only get worse as the weeks go by & so I am extremely thankful that it is tolerable right now.

One last thing--- I am running out of clothes to wear!!! I decided early on I would buy the least amount of clothes necessary to get me through these 9 months. Well, with two months left to go, it seems ridiculous to be buying new tops or pants (I'll never use them again, right?)-- but nothing fits! My tops -- and even t-shirts -- are now too short or too tight around the belly and my pants ... well, they simply don't fit any longer. Luckily Mr. Shopasaur convinced me to buy 2-3 pairs of pants to get me through the next 8 weeks. Ughhhn.

The joys of pregnancy!

Am I Pregnant?

This is the constant, nagging question turned over and over again in one's mind during the 2ww. And now, my chart is not exactly sure when I O'd. Depending upon which interpretation method I use it is saying O was CD15 or CD18. If it was CD15 then I am 4DPO. And I think I am having early pg symptoms, but also know that the mind is a powerful thing and that many women who TTC experience early pregnancy symptoms during the 2ww even though they are not KU. Then again some are (and have listed their early symptoms here for those of us who are questioning ourselves).

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That said, I personally just don't feel right. I actually came home early from work today. I have felt nauseous all day and extremely tired and spacey. I have an awful metallic taste in my mouth. As soon as I got home, I crashed hard for 3 hours even though I got a full night's sleep last night. Also, I feel hot (especially my bewbies) but I am not running a temperature. I am gassy and have to pee more frequently than usual (even though I am used to drinking 2-3 liters of water daily). Oh and I have heartburn.

None of this is normal for me. Especially the nausea. My mouth tastes very metallic and my sense of smell is heightened (someone was making lunch at work today and it hit me like a ton of bricks and not in a good way)! So...either I have a very active imagination and powerful mind or maybe I am KU. Maybe it's twins and hitting me hard early? I dunno. I am a strong candidate for twinning since I am one myself and fit the profile (genetics, age, height, weight, etc.)...something like a 35% chance. Of course according to all experts I only have a 20% chance of being KU right now!

Anyway, I cannot POAS for at least 10-12 days unless I am willing to try for an early HPT+ around DPO10 and risk riding an emotional roller coaster with the likeliness of seeing several BFNs. A few women see lines by then and most don't. I did buy a 3-pack of FRERs today so that I have them on hand when the time comes. I hope to wait until Easter to test.

For now, I am trying to assume that perhaps I have picked up some weird flu bug. I am already scheduled to have tomorrow off from work and will have a nice three day weekend to sleep and hopefully feel better. I will continue to chart my temps since they can give a strong indication of being KU or not. Now, I need to find something to distract myself from obsessing over the lingering question: am I pregnant?

Letting go is hard to do

Today I called to cancel our 19-week ultrasound. THE BIG ONE. Where we would have found out if our baby was a boy or a girl, if we wanted to… It was supposed to be the first time we would actually see our baby, and I was already counting down the days.

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The ultrasound was booked for April 28th. At first, I didn't quite believe that our baby was actually gone, so I held on to the appointment in the hopes I might need it anyways. And then it just became the last thing I needed to take care of, the thing that I really didn't want to face because it meant that our miscarriage is REAL and FINAL. For the most part I've been feeling pretty positive about life in the past few days (ladies, there is hope!), but just knowing I had this little task lined up made me irritable and emotional. Just one of those things I really didn't want to deal with, ya know?

So, I had set myself a deadline to cancel this appointment by April 1st, which - in my mind - was as long as acceptable to drag my feet. Today was my deadline. I'm all about the deadlines.

To prepare, I mentally pumped myself up to make the phone call (I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry), shut my office door, and dialed the number. Only to be told that it had already been cancelled by somebody else, but there was no note as to who did it.

How cruel is that? Do they not know that I've been agonizing over phoning to cancel it? Do they not know how many times I've thought about it, only to tell myself it's okay and I can call later? Do they not know that the afternoon of April 28th is already booked off work, and written in PEN in my organizer? Is this some sort of April Fool's joke?

Now I'm thinking I might take the afternoon of the 28th off anyways, and go treat myself to a pedicure or something. But that almost seems shallow, or superficial, or something. I mean, I was supposed to be meeting our baby for the first time that afternoon. I was going to get little pictures to bring home and put on the fridge, and share those pictures with family and friends. And instead I'm thinking about getting my heels pumiced?

Maybe I'll just go home and sleep instead. Bleugh.

Classes, classes, which classes to take?

I'm about 18 weeks along now, so I've started to think about which childbirth classes we need to sign up for. And, honestly, it's a little overwhelming! I mean, oh boy, the choices!

So, to narrow down the choices, I have devised three simple questions that should help:

(Note, the questions may be simple, but the answers are not! So, for those of you who are TTC, start thinking about these basic things now so that you'll be ahead of the game when you get to this point!)

(1) The first thing to decide is where to deliver... Hopsital? Birthing center? At home? There is an endless array of options. And where you decide to deliver will impact who your doctor is as well as what kind of education you need to prepare for birth. (This might also be a good time to think about whether you'll want a doula, but that could really be another post altogether!)

OR

The pregnancy books all say that if it's your first child, then you are better off at the hospital. Then, once you know what you are in for, or know that you won't have complications, you can consider options like delivering at your home or having a water birth.

I also know that my good friend who just gave birth in January toiled for 40+ hours because she wanted to deliver naturally at a birthing center, but wasn't progressing. Then her water broke and she had to be taken to the hospital and deliver by an emergency c-section. Oy vey!

My birth plan?

It's simple: Get the baby out alive - and fast! That's it. Really, what more is there to say?

In my case, I chose my doctor first. It's actually a practice of several doctors. And they deliver at a hospital, so we pretty much just decided to go the easy route and deliver at the hospital.

Most hospitals offer a wide array of choices for you in terms of classes that you can take. Birthing centers also offer classes. So depending on where you deliver, that should be the first place you look when deciding which classes to take.

We settled on a Childbirth Preparation Class offered at our hospital by a nurse who works with my doctor's practice. Her classes are smaller than the regular hospital ones. In that class, we'll get to tour the maternity ward of the hospital, and learn other things, such as signs and symptoms of labor, medications during labor, relaxation and distraction techniques, stages of labor, vaginal delivery, vacuum, forceps and c-section details, newborn care, infant feeding, etc. Cost is $180 for the 5-hour class.

Whew! Done. Signed up for the July 12th class! I'll report back on how it goes...

2. The second decision that you need to consider: Will you be attempting a natural delivery, i.e., no drugs and baby will come out vaginally? Or, will you be accepting an epidural to dull the pain, and is a c-section an option or preference?

Again, many pregnancy books say that it's easier to deliver naturally for your 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc., child because by then your body is used to it and you also know what you're in for.

But for your first? Take the drugs. Be prepared for anything, including a c-section, if it's deemed medically necessary. At least that's what I plan to do. Refer back to my birth plan.

That said, some women really want to do it naturally, and that's fine. More power to them. These women would be better off investing in classes that would help them achieve that result, such as The Bradley Method, and getting a doctor that supports their decision. If you don't care so much, then you don't really need to spend the money ($400 for Bradley Method classes) or time (we're talking months) to master a method that will help you deliver naturally. Capish?

In our case, I don't think that a time-intensive and expensive class like the Bradley Method was right for us. But I did want to take some class that teaches relaxation techniques, so I am considering signing us up for a Lamaze class ($75 for two full Sundays of instruction).

3. The third question to consider really could wait a while. No need to decide this one right away. You have time. But, basically, it's this: Do you plan to breastfeed?

If you do, there are classes that you can take to prepare for that. Because word is that it's not as easy as you would think. You'll want to check with your hospital, birthing center, etc., to see if there will be any lactatian consultants available for you after you deliver. You might want to hire one ahead of time who can come to your room after you deliver and give you some help.

As for me, I have decided that I will try it. I don't know if it'll work or if I'll stick with it for very long. But I will give it a go. There is a nonprofit Breastfeeding Center in my city that offers FREE breastfeeding classes! I have been talking to another woman in my prenatal yoga class about going to a class in July or August together.

Whew! That sums up a lot! I may need to revisit parts of this post as I progress. But with classes filling up very early, I needed to make these decisions and reserve my space ASAP! Hopefully this post will help others figure out how to navigate the overwhelming array of birthing choices out there!

Let the 2WW begin

In my last post, I was waiting to O. Well, it happened! And Mr. Divasaur and I took FULL advantage. It's funny, we sort of feel like when we were first dating and getting it on all the time. We actually got home from work yesterday and jumped right into bed! It's been YEARS since we've done that! My CBEFM gave a peak yesterday and today and according to FF today is O. So we'll seal the deal again today and tomorrow and then the waiting to test date begins which would be right around Easter for an early BFP. How cool would that be?

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Not to put all of my eggs in one basket, but we have done everything we could do to make it happen. So now we wait. I hope it goes fast...I really want this cycle to be THE ONE! I know it can take time to get PG and will try to be patient. Patience has never been a gift of mine, so perhaps this TTC process will make me grow in that area? They always says that having kids changes you, well, I think that starts with making them.