Anxiety and OCD... sure.

So... things have been good. The time if just flying by. My brain hurts. I have realized over the past week or so that I have been experiencing anxiety and when I got to thinking about this new feeling I realized that I have been obsessing. And then obvi I looked it up because I have been doing things or rather hesitating and obsessing things, that I have never done before. And bam, Postpartum OCD and Anxiety. The first link had 5 symptoms that I agreed with which is crazy. It seems to be getting worse and thats why I think I am noticing it more. I have also been obsessing about things more and staying awake when I know it's time for bed. Its weird to see something change right before your eyes. At least its so clear to me. I go back to the doctor in a few weeks so I will be sure to let her know that something is up.

I do have to say the OCD has come with some positives, the house is clean, my dinner menus are created, I have a nice to-do list, I have thrown so much crap out, and I want to do more. There are times at the end of the day I wish I could just turn it off but I am going to talk to the doctor about it.

This is what I found online:

Hormones are released as part of this general alarm call. These hormones produce the following changes:

• the mind is more alert Very much so, I have commented that my brain just won't stop.
• heart rate increases and blood pressure rises (there may be a sensation of the heart pounding and a tightness in the chest) I have noticed my heart racing at times
• sweating increases to help cool the body Yep, noticed I have been using more deodorant throughout the day
• blood is diverted to the muscles to help prepare for action (this may lead to a light-headed feeling as well as a tingling in the hands) Definitely had the light-headed-ness
• digestion slows down (this may lead to a heavy feeling like a "lump" in the stomach, as well as nausea)
• saliva production decreases (which leads to a dry mouth and a choking sensation) Yep, been drinking tons more water
• breathing rate increases (which may feel like shortness of breath)
• liver releases sugar to provide quick energy (which may feel like a "rush")
• sphincter muscles contract to close the opening of the bowel and bladder
• immune response decreases (useful in the short term to let the body respond to a threat, but over time harmful to our health)
• thinking speeds up Most definitely, I am thinking about the next task before I can even finish the first one
• there is a sensation of fear, a desire to move or take action, and an inability to sit still

So all in all, I am pretty confident that I am suffering from anxiety, its not too bad its just crazy that I have noticed this change. 

Baby girl is three months old already. Wow. 

Stinky feet!

I had an appointment on Monday and all was well. We heard the heartbeat again and you could hear the baby kicking the uterus, which was pretty cool. Today I'm 14w2d. Second trimester, yes! I'm right on track with symptoms. When the WTE book says something new could happen in the next week, sure enough it does! This week was round ligament pain. Ouch! I have wonky hips, so I'm not surprised that I'm already feeling some pain in them. I imagine it's only going to get worse. One symptom I never expected was stinky feet! Yesterday my feet were uber sweaty and, this is gross, I could smell them while sitting at my desk. And now, sitting here blogging I could smell them again. I said to my husband, it this a pregnancy symptom!?? And sure enough, it is! Gross!

My next appointment is the end of March, I need to go in to have the blood drawn for my quad screen, then 2 weeks later I'll have my 20 week scan. I declined the first trimester screening, so I haven't had a scan since 6 weeks. I'm really looking forward to another one!

Breasfeeding - at home - at work

So this is my third full week back to work and I am somewhat struggling with keeping my supply. I don't have a huge supply to begin with, we have been supplementing since day one. As she grows she obviously wants more, I am not making more but I want to at least keep giving her what I have since the beginning.

At nighttime she was exclusively breast-feeding until about a week ago, when she would get up at 3 (which was new) and was hungry. Well I just had fed her an hour or two before so I didn't have much more to give. And then a few nights later I realized I was not leaking at all, which during the night feedings I would leak from the other breast. So it seems like my supply is diminishing. I feel like I have not perfected the pumping and that may have something to do with it. Its slightly frustrating but I keep remembering what my pediatrician said, that any breast-milk is better than none. She has had my milk every day of her life.

Other than that, I am really getting into the swing of things and it feels good. I am working from home two days and drive to the office the remaining three. I am really grateful to have that flexibility because the nights I come home from the office she is already asleep so I do not get quality time. The days I am home we get to bond and play and smile. I am very thankful.

The hubs and I also started weight watchers (I have yet to wear non-maternity pants) last week, with success! I am down two and he is down 5! We are both heading in the right direction. Our weigh in day is Saturday and this week I had to go all by myself, well me and the baby. I had a full day packed for the two of us. It was different running errands with her. My mind gets a little full trying to remember my things and her things. We weighed in, went to the bank, went home to get the dog and then to the vet. I do not envy those with two children. By the time we got to the vet the baby was sleeping and our dog Stella was excited. By the end of her visit, I was sweating and ready to go home. I did come out of the morning feeling quite accomplished though. I like being a mom.

The vet also said Stella needed to lose 20 pounds so now its a whole family affair!

I also feel like I am having pediatrician withdrawal, I mean I saw the lady what 15 times in the first month. Its been three weeks or something since her last checkup. Weird. She had a little cold a week ago which has cleared up nicely. Poor thing had snot all over and I had baby boogers all over. I didn't mind. It was such a mom thing.

Developmentally its amazing to watch her learn, she loves to watch the ceiling fan and smiles when you sing or talk to her. I just want to eat her up! She also slept all night in her own room last night. She is getting a little big and squirmy to stay in our bed after I feed her so when she woke last night, I got up went to her room, scooped her up, fed her and put her back in her own crib. It was a milestone night.

This mom thing is pretty cool and very tiring. Very very tiring.

Post Partum Body

Of all the things you read about pregnancy, I don't know how much people talk about the after. Or at least I haven't been on the look out for it. The first few weeks after her birth I could not believe my body. I have been amazed by it the whole time, its simply amazing. It still is amazing its just so different. My stomach was deflated and my skin was red with stretchmarks and towards the end I got so big my skin started stretching left to right.

Two months later my stomach has gone down further, its very soft and the stretchmarks are softening but still quite noticeable. My whole life I haven't been the kindest to myself about body image and this makes it hard for me to think and feel good. I felt the most beautiful when I had the biggest belly circumference, and now I don't feel pretty at all. My hair has been so thick and it starting to fall out. I just noticed a few days ago more and more strands were coming out.

My hubs has been wonderful, not in any way making me not feel beautiful. I do it all myself. I just have a significantly different body than I ever have. Its not just weight gain or a slow progressive change at that. This is one day you have a rock hard belly that's really kind of cute to an over-deflated balloon tummy and skin that hangs.

 A girl friend of mine was saying that I just have to remember its still me and that I can look like I did before the whole 'trying to have a baby' game started. The hubs and I are starting weight watchers on Saturday and to be honest I am really excited. I can use some accountability and want to feel pretty again. I am still in maternity clothes, partially because I am afraid to try pants with a button just yet, but I am ready to be healthy and be the best me.

I also have to remember that I just had a baby two months ago and to not be so hard on myself. My body is amazing and I just made a baby. 

Two months - back on track

Wow so its been two months already. That went really quickly. I seriously did not wake up from a crazy haze for at least a month after she was born. That said its been another month already! We went to the doctor today for her two month check up and the dreaded shots! She took them great, it was sad for both of us. Right now she is sleeping it off, I asked the doctor about Tylenol and she said if needed. My poor baby girl was good for a few hours then all of a sudden gave me the saddest cry, I knew right away it was pain because the boobie juice wasn't even helping.

Last week was my first full week back at work and I am so exhausted. I am really trying, we have made dinner every night. Ok not a 4 course meal but a meal none-the-less. I am ready to get the weight off and work and be a great mom and wife. That's a lot of responsibilities. But I am a women right?! We are in a league of their own, I am a mom now, I just have to get it all done.

I am working really hard at maintaining a schedule, a know this little baby of mine needs some structure and I need to make it all work. Of course I had to come down with some sort of snotty, sneezing cold thing and I am not taking any medicine because I would surely love for this yucky snot to dry up I am really working hard at making more milk so I don't want to chance my milk supply. Suffering thru it. Let see how this week goes, my first paycheck back from maternity leave comes this week. WAHOO! I am a little excited about that. And tomorrows Valentines Day, I was not shy about requesting a box of chocolate. Good thing I am starting Weight Watchers this Saturday.

Well hoping to have an equally amazing week and getting more smiles!

2 month old smile

First real appt with OB

I registered with the OB (well, re-registered since I went to her 5 years ago for gyno appts) two weeks ago. That was really just a paperwork thing, so today I had my first real appointment. I was picky about the time, so ended up seeing the PA instead of the OB. She's really lovely, so it was a nice visit. I knew I wouldn't have an ultrasound today, but they said we'd listen for the heartbeat, so DH came along. It took a little bit, but sure enough, we heard that sweet sound. I had some minor spotting last night, so having this scheduled appointment was a blessing. Of course the spotting was normal, but it was nice to be reassured by someone other than the internet. So far everything is going well. I'm 9w3d today, feeling pretty good, and really only craving red meat and fruit. My next appointment with them isn't for 4 weeks. They also gave me information for the trisomy 13, etc. testing that I need to have done with the perinatologist in the next few weeks. Seeing that I'll be 37 on Sunday (gulp!) I wasn't surprised that I need this testing, but when she said 34 is considered 'advanced maternal age' I was really surprised!

Back to Work

I head back to work on Wednesday, I have been trying to mentally prepare for the last week. So far so good. I have kept up on the laundry and house keeping. I am going to be working from home Tuesday and Thursdays so I have been practicing getting things done and working. I am ready to go back, I am just starting to have the mixed feelings that come with doing different things and leaving her. I know that this is just the next step we have to take and there is a part of me that really is ready. Its just so real that Wednesday we start our new routine. I am dropping off at daycare and hubs is picking up. Hubs will be alone with the baby for an hour to an hour and a half before I get home. This will be an adjustment for all.

My wrist is still killing me, I tried not to wear the brace for a day and that was so wrong. Some days are better than others but I still need the support. Its my carpel tunnel nerve and it hurts! I am still having issues with my left foot as well, some parts are numb and there is a ligament/tendon something that goes across my foot that must be out of whack. The more I talk to people about these left side ailments they mention that it may be epidural related. I am not sure and don't know how to really find out but that very well could be the case. There are reports of people having side effects lasting for months.

I go back to the OBgyn for Mirena in April, if it is still acting up then I have to go to a specialist. My incision is good, still red and has some indentations from the steri strips still but its healing. Some times it will get very itchy but thats the healing process.

Oh the crazy things being pregnant does to your body. At least now the stress and pressure of trying to conceive is gone. It has been such a strain for years and now we can just enjoy our baby and our little family.

6 Week Post-partum check up

I had my check up yesterday and am healing quite nicely. My incision is healed, it is still red but the doctor said that will go away with time. I have had a few issues that have popped up so I asked about them: my wrist, about two weeks before she was born my wrist started to bug me, nothing major, really dull ache. I know it was my carpel tunnel nerve and I heard it can act up during pregnancy. Well no one told me it would get much worse AFTER. Hmm. I am now wearing a brace on my left hand and its hard to pick up the baby with my left hand. Awesome.

I have also been experiencing some nerve issues with my foot. When I bend my left foot to the right I get a shooting pain starting from my third toe to my ankle. It is a very specific area and I noticed a few days ago that I have been itching the bottom of that toe often without really realizing.

The doctor said these types of things will get worse before they get better but that I will need to see my primary care dr. if they don't go away in another month.

I also have a completely new body and it took a little getting used to. I didn't really get a good look at all my new stretch marks until a week after birth. I cried. Yep. Being pregnant I was the most confident I have been in my body in years. From the start of our journey and with each miscarriage I gained, some hormonal and some emotional eating attributed to that and the depression cherry on top probably didn't help. So when I was really pregnant and stuck out like crazy I embraced it and showed it off. I wore tops that accentuated the positive, now I am left with a deflated balloon that was over-inflated. My skin sags, it hangs, my stretch marks are deep and dark and ALL over. I remember seeing the first one, and towards the end anything under my belly button was unseen so I didn't even know! My baby was almost ten pounds and my body stretched bad. I know I have to embrace it because its worth having her. Plus my husband is super supportive. I haven't even tried pre-maternity pants yet and I am just plain not ready. I still like that the panel hides the majority of my stretch marks and it holds the extra skin I have. The doctor said it will be a good six months of healing, its all part of the journey that I prayed and wished so hard for.

So for now, I will wear my muumuus (yes I own them and they are great), maternity pants and work on being the best mom I can be.

Our little babe, Addison. 

Troubles with Sleep

My baby seems to be a lot like everyone elses baby when it comes to sleep. I have been doing some reading (in my spare time) in regards to newborns sleeping. I have to teach my baby how to sleep because when she is tired she won't sleep and then wails. This is not good for either of us. But I have read some helpful articles and have been trying some new techniques to help both of us. I was starting to get a little overwhelmed with the fact that my baby didn't sleep and I needed to hold her all the time. So once we conquer this mountain I will have a little more sanity.

I have been doing all that I wrote about before but really sticking to it. We woke up this morning and she was bright eyed so we played and then she wanted to eat so I nursed and then I noticed her little eyes getting heavy. I made a bee-line for her bedroom and started the swing and the music and nursed her some more. So far we have been in her room for 45 minutes I put her down once and ten minutes later she cried - after I nursed and held for 20ish minutes. So I picked her up and nursed a little then just held her for another 15 minutes and she was in REM sleep and I put her in the swing. Now I just wait to see how long I get! She seems to be doing good and I don't think she has moved much.
It really is amazing how her brain is wired and why babies do what they do. From what I have read you really just need to get into routines and habits so they learn. I am literally teaching her how to sleep.

Hopefully though getting her to nap during the day will result in a happier baby and a happier mommy..


We also went to the doctor for her one month check up and she weighed in at 9 lbs 1 oz, thats 13oz smaller than her birth weight so we are supplementing more with formula and are going back next week for another weight check. The dr is not super concerned over her weight but we are still keeping an eye on it. 

Yay!

There's a heartbeat! :)

Everything looked good, my beta level was over 57,000 and my progesterone was still good enough that I don't need supplements. I've graduated from the clinic and need to find a regular OB. There was a girl leaving as I arrived who also is moving on to an OB, so it was a happy day for the clinic!

Breastfeeding woes

I have a feeling this week is going to be a good one, first off my little babe and I have finally come to an agreement on the breastfeeding front. My milk is in! It took FOREVER it seems like and we were supplementing with formula. I was behind the 8 ball already because of the c-section, pain meds and a stubborn baby. Needless to say the last few weeks were really trying, she has been in my arms constantly, my nipples were raw. I felt like a feeding machine.

The past few days have been much better, I have been able to put her down for more than ten minutes. I can also hear her gulping and she will have drops of milk on the corner of her mouth at times. I am glad I stuck with it. Its the one thing I have been determined to do, beyond the health benefits I wanted that bond with her.

Each day has been getting better since my milk has been satisfying her. She is more alert and playful, I can't believe its almost been a month!

First time ever!

I'm pregnant.

Holy crap!

Let me back up.

About 2.5 weeks ago we had a follow-up appointment with the urologist. All of DH's bloodwork came back good - hormone levels good, no CF. However, DH's volume was still quite low and once I told him that we don't have insurance for IVF, but do have it for IUI, we decided a plan of attack for increasing his volume. He said it was a possibility that DH has retrograde semen, when some goes back into the bladder. So, DH had another SA, which involved urine tests to see if there was sperm in the urine as well. We were waiting for those results, plus with the holidays we knew nothing would happen until after the first of the year.

In the meantime, my period was due right around Christmas. I had all my regular PMS symptoms - a wee bit of brown spotting, headaches, and cramps. But, my period never came. Since I'm charting, I knew that my longest cycle was 33 days. I decided I would wait until 34 days before I tested. No sense wasting a test since it was sure to come! Wednesday morning I took a test and in no time it was two lines. Two lines. I never got two lines before! I woke up DH and stuck the test in his face. He assumed it was negative, which was fair enough, until I pointed out that no, it's two lines. Pregnant. I called the clinic when I got into work and told her I got my first ever positive pregnancy test and I didn't know what to do since that's never happened to me before! Ha! She laughed and booked me in for a blood test on Thursday morning.

My HCG level was around 6,300 and my progesterone was high enough that I didn't need to go on that, thank goodness. I haven't heard very nice things about it. Today I am 5w2d. I haven't had very many symptoms which makes me really nervous. I've googled the crap out of that and had reassurance. I try to be really zen about things, thinking that I have no reason to believe that things aren't going okay, so I need to be at peace with that. I'm actually feeling really good physically! We don't have our ultrasound until 1/9, so I'll be on pins and needles until that happens. The only person we've told (okay, I told) was my parents. I told DH that I needed to tell my mom to switch up her prayer of increasing volume to a prayer that there's a heartbeat! Plus, I was dying to tell someone and now that I have I don't feel the need to open my front door and shout it to the world. He wants to wait to tell his parents until after the ultrasound.

This truly feels like a miracle to us. We were staring down the IVF barrel, stressed about how we could afford it. We are certainly not out of any woods just yet, but just the idea that we were able to do this on our own with his MFI is unbelievable. The scary thing is that it took 2.5 years for this to happen and if something goes wrong, how long would it take for it to happen again?

I would appreciate any prayers or positive thoughts that we have a heartbeat on the 9th. :)