I've never loved babies. Never even liked them. I'm the person who would rather run a mile in tight shoes than hold a baby. I've never cooed over them, never asked to hold one, never burbled about how adorable they are. Because frankly, I don't like babies. Sticky, smelly, screamy babies.
My mother has never understood this side of me - she's the exact opposite, a dedicated baby lover, so charmed by the little rugrats that she will walk up to complete strangers in the grocery store and ask if she can smell their newborn. (I'm informed that newborn babies smell like milk. I wouldn't know.) She told me time and time again that she wished her three children had stayed babies forever. Whenever I would refuse to babysit for a neighbor, she'd cry, "But why? You LOVE babies!" Um - no. That's you. I'm the hater, remember?So what happened?
For a long time, I assumed that eventually I would grow to adopt my mother's feelings - that biology would wreak havoc on my brain and I'd suddenly turn into a baby-crazed nutter who wanted to cuddle everything in sight. That didn't happen. I still hate babies. And yet somehow the sneaky biological imperative DID manage to slip one by me - because although I still hate everyone else's, I want one of my own.
And I can't exactly explain why. In fact, when it very first crossed my mind, I was shocked. Me? Want a baby? I'm not one of those women! Mr. Bibliosaur and I started discussing it, and decided to wait for a while and see if the feeling stuck around (he's always loved kids, but understood that there was a good chance I'd never want them). Several months later, it was still the same: I wanted a baby. Right now. I still don't want to hold or care for anyone else's, but I very much want one of my own - all the best parts of my husband and I, all our love made tangible in this little bundle. I want to see Mr. Bibliosaur as a father, and myself as a mother.
I'm a little bit terrified - this is uncharted territory for me, after all. But I'm also excited about it - me, the babyhater! Who'd have thought?
This post makes me feel validated, I don't even know what to do. I'm the exact. same. way. One day: BAM! I'd like to have a baby--and we're doing the same thing. Waiting for a while to make sure it's not some phase but yeah, I just feel so validated. :)
ReplyDeleteI commend you for being so honest! My mom was the same way, wanted nothing to do with them. She loved her children but frankley wasent a good mom. I beg you if you dont like children dont have them. Some people are good parents and some arent, and not liking babies isnt a good sign. Children deserve to have parents that not only love them but love being parents.I am still dealing with the trama of not feeling loved because she didnt know how or didnt want to figure out how to be a good mom. Why not put your time into starting a new business, or training for a 10K somthing like that. Natural affection for a child isnt somthing you can make happen just because you want it to be there.
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