Anxiety and OCD... sure.

So... things have been good. The time if just flying by. My brain hurts. I have realized over the past week or so that I have been experiencing anxiety and when I got to thinking about this new feeling I realized that I have been obsessing. And then obvi I looked it up because I have been doing things or rather hesitating and obsessing things, that I have never done before. And bam, Postpartum OCD and Anxiety. The first link had 5 symptoms that I agreed with which is crazy. It seems to be getting worse and thats why I think I am noticing it more. I have also been obsessing about things more and staying awake when I know it's time for bed. Its weird to see something change right before your eyes. At least its so clear to me. I go back to the doctor in a few weeks so I will be sure to let her know that something is up.

I do have to say the OCD has come with some positives, the house is clean, my dinner menus are created, I have a nice to-do list, I have thrown so much crap out, and I want to do more. There are times at the end of the day I wish I could just turn it off but I am going to talk to the doctor about it.

This is what I found online:

Hormones are released as part of this general alarm call. These hormones produce the following changes:

• the mind is more alert Very much so, I have commented that my brain just won't stop.
• heart rate increases and blood pressure rises (there may be a sensation of the heart pounding and a tightness in the chest) I have noticed my heart racing at times
• sweating increases to help cool the body Yep, noticed I have been using more deodorant throughout the day
• blood is diverted to the muscles to help prepare for action (this may lead to a light-headed feeling as well as a tingling in the hands) Definitely had the light-headed-ness
• digestion slows down (this may lead to a heavy feeling like a "lump" in the stomach, as well as nausea)
• saliva production decreases (which leads to a dry mouth and a choking sensation) Yep, been drinking tons more water
• breathing rate increases (which may feel like shortness of breath)
• liver releases sugar to provide quick energy (which may feel like a "rush")
• sphincter muscles contract to close the opening of the bowel and bladder
• immune response decreases (useful in the short term to let the body respond to a threat, but over time harmful to our health)
• thinking speeds up Most definitely, I am thinking about the next task before I can even finish the first one
• there is a sensation of fear, a desire to move or take action, and an inability to sit still

So all in all, I am pretty confident that I am suffering from anxiety, its not too bad its just crazy that I have noticed this change. 

Baby girl is three months old already. Wow. 

Stinky feet!

I had an appointment on Monday and all was well. We heard the heartbeat again and you could hear the baby kicking the uterus, which was pretty cool. Today I'm 14w2d. Second trimester, yes! I'm right on track with symptoms. When the WTE book says something new could happen in the next week, sure enough it does! This week was round ligament pain. Ouch! I have wonky hips, so I'm not surprised that I'm already feeling some pain in them. I imagine it's only going to get worse. One symptom I never expected was stinky feet! Yesterday my feet were uber sweaty and, this is gross, I could smell them while sitting at my desk. And now, sitting here blogging I could smell them again. I said to my husband, it this a pregnancy symptom!?? And sure enough, it is! Gross!

My next appointment is the end of March, I need to go in to have the blood drawn for my quad screen, then 2 weeks later I'll have my 20 week scan. I declined the first trimester screening, so I haven't had a scan since 6 weeks. I'm really looking forward to another one!

Breasfeeding - at home - at work

So this is my third full week back to work and I am somewhat struggling with keeping my supply. I don't have a huge supply to begin with, we have been supplementing since day one. As she grows she obviously wants more, I am not making more but I want to at least keep giving her what I have since the beginning.

At nighttime she was exclusively breast-feeding until about a week ago, when she would get up at 3 (which was new) and was hungry. Well I just had fed her an hour or two before so I didn't have much more to give. And then a few nights later I realized I was not leaking at all, which during the night feedings I would leak from the other breast. So it seems like my supply is diminishing. I feel like I have not perfected the pumping and that may have something to do with it. Its slightly frustrating but I keep remembering what my pediatrician said, that any breast-milk is better than none. She has had my milk every day of her life.

Other than that, I am really getting into the swing of things and it feels good. I am working from home two days and drive to the office the remaining three. I am really grateful to have that flexibility because the nights I come home from the office she is already asleep so I do not get quality time. The days I am home we get to bond and play and smile. I am very thankful.

The hubs and I also started weight watchers (I have yet to wear non-maternity pants) last week, with success! I am down two and he is down 5! We are both heading in the right direction. Our weigh in day is Saturday and this week I had to go all by myself, well me and the baby. I had a full day packed for the two of us. It was different running errands with her. My mind gets a little full trying to remember my things and her things. We weighed in, went to the bank, went home to get the dog and then to the vet. I do not envy those with two children. By the time we got to the vet the baby was sleeping and our dog Stella was excited. By the end of her visit, I was sweating and ready to go home. I did come out of the morning feeling quite accomplished though. I like being a mom.

The vet also said Stella needed to lose 20 pounds so now its a whole family affair!

I also feel like I am having pediatrician withdrawal, I mean I saw the lady what 15 times in the first month. Its been three weeks or something since her last checkup. Weird. She had a little cold a week ago which has cleared up nicely. Poor thing had snot all over and I had baby boogers all over. I didn't mind. It was such a mom thing.

Developmentally its amazing to watch her learn, she loves to watch the ceiling fan and smiles when you sing or talk to her. I just want to eat her up! She also slept all night in her own room last night. She is getting a little big and squirmy to stay in our bed after I feed her so when she woke last night, I got up went to her room, scooped her up, fed her and put her back in her own crib. It was a milestone night.

This mom thing is pretty cool and very tiring. Very very tiring.

Post Partum Body

Of all the things you read about pregnancy, I don't know how much people talk about the after. Or at least I haven't been on the look out for it. The first few weeks after her birth I could not believe my body. I have been amazed by it the whole time, its simply amazing. It still is amazing its just so different. My stomach was deflated and my skin was red with stretchmarks and towards the end I got so big my skin started stretching left to right.

Two months later my stomach has gone down further, its very soft and the stretchmarks are softening but still quite noticeable. My whole life I haven't been the kindest to myself about body image and this makes it hard for me to think and feel good. I felt the most beautiful when I had the biggest belly circumference, and now I don't feel pretty at all. My hair has been so thick and it starting to fall out. I just noticed a few days ago more and more strands were coming out.

My hubs has been wonderful, not in any way making me not feel beautiful. I do it all myself. I just have a significantly different body than I ever have. Its not just weight gain or a slow progressive change at that. This is one day you have a rock hard belly that's really kind of cute to an over-deflated balloon tummy and skin that hangs.

 A girl friend of mine was saying that I just have to remember its still me and that I can look like I did before the whole 'trying to have a baby' game started. The hubs and I are starting weight watchers on Saturday and to be honest I am really excited. I can use some accountability and want to feel pretty again. I am still in maternity clothes, partially because I am afraid to try pants with a button just yet, but I am ready to be healthy and be the best me.

I also have to remember that I just had a baby two months ago and to not be so hard on myself. My body is amazing and I just made a baby. 

Two months - back on track

Wow so its been two months already. That went really quickly. I seriously did not wake up from a crazy haze for at least a month after she was born. That said its been another month already! We went to the doctor today for her two month check up and the dreaded shots! She took them great, it was sad for both of us. Right now she is sleeping it off, I asked the doctor about Tylenol and she said if needed. My poor baby girl was good for a few hours then all of a sudden gave me the saddest cry, I knew right away it was pain because the boobie juice wasn't even helping.

Last week was my first full week back at work and I am so exhausted. I am really trying, we have made dinner every night. Ok not a 4 course meal but a meal none-the-less. I am ready to get the weight off and work and be a great mom and wife. That's a lot of responsibilities. But I am a women right?! We are in a league of their own, I am a mom now, I just have to get it all done.

I am working really hard at maintaining a schedule, a know this little baby of mine needs some structure and I need to make it all work. Of course I had to come down with some sort of snotty, sneezing cold thing and I am not taking any medicine because I would surely love for this yucky snot to dry up I am really working hard at making more milk so I don't want to chance my milk supply. Suffering thru it. Let see how this week goes, my first paycheck back from maternity leave comes this week. WAHOO! I am a little excited about that. And tomorrows Valentines Day, I was not shy about requesting a box of chocolate. Good thing I am starting Weight Watchers this Saturday.

Well hoping to have an equally amazing week and getting more smiles!

2 month old smile

First real appt with OB

I registered with the OB (well, re-registered since I went to her 5 years ago for gyno appts) two weeks ago. That was really just a paperwork thing, so today I had my first real appointment. I was picky about the time, so ended up seeing the PA instead of the OB. She's really lovely, so it was a nice visit. I knew I wouldn't have an ultrasound today, but they said we'd listen for the heartbeat, so DH came along. It took a little bit, but sure enough, we heard that sweet sound. I had some minor spotting last night, so having this scheduled appointment was a blessing. Of course the spotting was normal, but it was nice to be reassured by someone other than the internet. So far everything is going well. I'm 9w3d today, feeling pretty good, and really only craving red meat and fruit. My next appointment with them isn't for 4 weeks. They also gave me information for the trisomy 13, etc. testing that I need to have done with the perinatologist in the next few weeks. Seeing that I'll be 37 on Sunday (gulp!) I wasn't surprised that I need this testing, but when she said 34 is considered 'advanced maternal age' I was really surprised!

Back to Work

I head back to work on Wednesday, I have been trying to mentally prepare for the last week. So far so good. I have kept up on the laundry and house keeping. I am going to be working from home Tuesday and Thursdays so I have been practicing getting things done and working. I am ready to go back, I am just starting to have the mixed feelings that come with doing different things and leaving her. I know that this is just the next step we have to take and there is a part of me that really is ready. Its just so real that Wednesday we start our new routine. I am dropping off at daycare and hubs is picking up. Hubs will be alone with the baby for an hour to an hour and a half before I get home. This will be an adjustment for all.

My wrist is still killing me, I tried not to wear the brace for a day and that was so wrong. Some days are better than others but I still need the support. Its my carpel tunnel nerve and it hurts! I am still having issues with my left foot as well, some parts are numb and there is a ligament/tendon something that goes across my foot that must be out of whack. The more I talk to people about these left side ailments they mention that it may be epidural related. I am not sure and don't know how to really find out but that very well could be the case. There are reports of people having side effects lasting for months.

I go back to the OBgyn for Mirena in April, if it is still acting up then I have to go to a specialist. My incision is good, still red and has some indentations from the steri strips still but its healing. Some times it will get very itchy but thats the healing process.

Oh the crazy things being pregnant does to your body. At least now the stress and pressure of trying to conceive is gone. It has been such a strain for years and now we can just enjoy our baby and our little family.