Monday, June 8, 2009

waiting, waiting

TTC is nothing but an endless circle of waiting, waiting and waiting some more. Waiting to O, then waiting to see if AF shows or not, and then waiting some more. At 9dpo I´m more than halfway "there" where ever there may be. My luteal phase is usually 14/15 days long. My O temp is either 36.1 or 36.2. My temp rarely goes above 36.7, and I frequently have a dip somewhere in my luteal phase. Does that huge dip at 5 dpo mean anything? Is it too early for an implantatin dip, or did I O two days earlier like the doctor thought? But what about those positive OPKs that I got on CD 14 and 15? Questions, unkowns, the 2ww.

On Sunday I had a meltdown. Mr. Lillysaur doesn´t fully comprehend TTC. He understands that it is hard on me, but he does not understand why I don´t always get excited about other people´s pregnancies or have just really crappy weepy days. Mr. Lillysaur is very optimistic that things will work out for us. I would like to be optimistic, but after so many disappointments it´s hard to be optimistic. On the one hand I will be "disappointed" if this cycle doesn´t work out for us, and on the other hand I will be a nervous wreck worrying if it will work out or not. Sometimes I think maybe I should start meditating or doing acupuncture. Mr. Lillysaur swears that acupuncture is very relaxing, I on the other hand can only think of the fact that it´s all out of pocket on my current policy. Which brings me to my next point.

On Saturday Mr. Lillysaur had our insurance agent come out to discuss increasing my insurance coverage. I have good coverage, just no bells and whistles. It doesn´t cover acupuncture or other alternative medicine, but it will cover any maternity things, some fertility drugs, etc. It does not cover a private room in the hospital, hardcore fertility treatments, or______? I have no idea anymore. The long and the short of it is that a new policy which would have all the bells and whistles would cost 100 a month more and have a higher deductable. I´m not convinced it´s worth it. I know that if we needed advanced fertility treatments it would be, but at the moment I´m not even a good candidate for IVF because I can get pregnant on my own, but I can´t stay pregnant. Decisions decisions, and all of this on top of the two week wait.

So does that big dip mean anything?

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