Saturday, January 22, 2011

My Body is a Temple...

I've been working really hard lately to make sure that I eat healthy, drink lots of water, take my many vitamins and get some exercise. I make sure to get plenty of sleep and to do things that make me happy so that my mind stays occupied.

I am fine when I don't think about how long we've been trying. I am fine when I don't have to listen to people talk about their children. However, I have this nagging feeling that something is going on with my lady parts despite my treating my body like a temple. So, I have made an appointment with my OB/GYN. I am going to go in and tell her about my concerns and we'll go from there. I'll keep you posted!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Babies, babies everywhere!

I've always been someone who takes a peak at babies when they pass or enjoys watching shows about babies. It really seems that in this past month I've become hypersensitive to babies being EVERYWHERE! Pregnant celebrities are coming out of the woodwork. Even characters on my favorite sitcoms are talking about having their (fake) babies! Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that some of my very good friends are pregnant or have had their babies. It's the acquaintances constantly jabbering on about their pregnancies or all the random women I see when I'm out in town that either annoy me (the FB ones) or make me feel sad (the randomers). Then of course there are the days that I have to walk past the maternity hospital and I see expectant moms standing outside having their last smoke before they go in for their appointment. Disgusting.

I think these feelings all come from the fact that I was feeling very hopeful this past month. The month before that? Not so much. We were traveling separately and the timing was off by the time we were together again. But this past cycle? I'll admit I got my hopes up. I was hoping for a Christmas miracle baby. To see DH's disappointment when I told him this cycle didn't work broke off a piece of my heart. Here is my chart:

Looks pretty perfect to me! Boo!

We had agreed that if it didn't happen during this cycle, DH would go to have some testing done. He has an appointment for next week, but it falls on day 16 of my current cycle (I typically ovulate between days 14 and 16) and since we'd have to abstain for 3-5 days prior I'm thinking about pushing it back a few days. Otherwise this cycle will be a total bust.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Well, AF showed up

It has been about two weeks since I last posted and AF did indeed rear her ugly head! She continues to visit me even though her arrival is not welcome and her stay is not fun! I've had terrible cramps and a heavy flow. I am ready for it to be done so we can go head and start up again.

The week I get AF is the worst. I probably could have cried when I started it, but for some reason I didn't. I actually haven't cried in a long while about our situation. I don't know if this is a good thing or if at some point I will just lose it. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Anyway, when AF comes I am in a terrible mood. I don't want to talk to anyone. I am angry at my body and just want to punch something. So, you could say, that going to work is quite difficult when you're expected to be smiley and happy.

I am typically very open about personal things in my life. I don't mind talking about sex, or my period or my body, or anything of that nature with my good friends. Lately, though, I can't even seem to talk about what we are going through and how hard it is because the truth of the matter is that unless you've gone through this, you DON'T know what we are going through. You don't know HOW I FEEL. End of story. I don't want to see you turn your head to the side and "feel sorry" for me. I don't want to hear you say "it will happen". I don't want any of that so I just don't talk about it. Which is fine for most people but some people want to know what is going on and so, I'll start to open up and then I get one of things I just mentioned and I'll be so annoyed I even started sharing.

Well, here we go with cycle #10.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Announcements, Baby Showers, and the 2WW

So lately I find myself getting phone calls, text messages, or announcements on facebook from someone telling me they are expecting. I am certainly excited for their new journey to parenthood but I find that I can't muster up any truly excited congratulatory voice in which to respond. It is quite frustrating when there is something you want so badly but have no control over and everyone else around you seems to be achieving just that.

I'm feeling annoyed at my body. I don't understand what is going on, what is preventing me from getting pregnant, and how to fix it. I plan on seeing my OB soon because I have a past history of cysts... who knows what role that might be playing in this unsolvable equation. I have been working really hard to stay positive and maintain hope. Some days it is just really hard.

There are a few baby showers coming up and I don't want to go them. Period. Of course, I feel terrible because I feel selfish and I want to celebrate with the mom-to-be, but there is no way I can sit there and feel joyous about the numerous cute outfits or bibs for a baby that takes the same amount to cook as it is taking us to try to get pregnant. Would I be a horrible person if I don't go? I would plan to give a gift regardless.

Here is a blurry picture of my current chart. I am only 6dpo. Fingers are crossed. Toes are crossed. Eyes are crossed and so are my butt-cheeks.... if that is possible. :-)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Happy New Year!

Well, here we are in 2011. It is hard to believe that 2010 is done already because the year just seemed to fly by. Don't you think?

We are in the midst of a 2 week wait and man this one is going to be a long one... I can just feel it. I am so hopeful that this is THE cycle. I don't want to be that hopeful because I know what it feels like to get AF instead of a pink line on the pee stick, but I just can't help but feel like it has to work out for us!

To all of you trying for a baby, the first, the second or the third, I wish you the best and may you get the baby you hope for!