Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hospital bag - What I used!

Hello! I promised to check back in with you all about what I used at this hospital... So here goes! Below is my original list, with notes after each item. Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any specific questions in the comments section.

I think the biggest thing I can say about a hospital bag is that you never know what kind of labor you are going to have (I ended up being induced and having a c-section), so you need to be flexible and either plan for anything or be ready to send friends and/or family out for last-minute items.

Anyway, here goes!

  • Laptop with iTunes, complete with DH-created baby playlists (Also: charger! laptop bag!) -- This was essential! I am so glad we had great music to listen to the whole time. DH also bought some speakers to attach to our laptop so I could hear the music better. Loved it!
  • DVDs to watch on laptop -- Also key! We grabbed 3 dvds on our way out the door. We ended up watching one - "The Rookie." It was a great way to pass the time and take my mind off of the pain. Great movie too, made us cry!
  • Magazines (US, People) and easy reading books ("Lipstick Jungle") -- Just brought US magazines... But didn't read any. I have since read them while nursing. Only thing I read in the hospital were e-mails on DH's iPhone and hospital handouts/forms.
  • Baby Name Books ("Beyond Ava & Aiden," "Cool Names for Babies") -- We had decided on a name by then, so we left these at home.
  • "Breastfeeding Made Simple" & "What to Expect" books -- I think I left these at home too. I don't think I would have needed them, so I'm glad we left them.
  • Pen & notebook to write stuff down on -- I used both the pen AND notebook. The nurses kept asking me what TIME I last breast fed and how long on each side, so I got in the habit of writing that down. I also wrote down the time of a dirty diaper change and what type b/c the nurses asked that too.
  • Baby book with sheets for the baby's footprint (hospital told us to bring) -- I updated the baby book with details at the hospital, but since I had a c-section they did the footprints out of my sight and I was not able to get one for the book. But we got a "souvenir" birth certificate with prints.
  • Camera & charger -- Used this a TON! Essential!
  • Video camera & charger -- DH used this too, much to my chagrin. LOL.
  • Cell phones & chargers -- Essential!
  • Printed out Birth Plan with extra copies -- Gave one to my nurse, but it was already outdated since I was being induced. It was not necessary, but it was a good exercise for me to write. I did have key phone numbers on there that I referred to, so it was a good thing to compile.
  • List of numbers to call after birth: Insurance to add the baby, HR number to start maternity benefits, pediatrician number to make sure they check out baby; photographers to book newborn session asap... This was very helpful, as noted above! Our pediatrician did not show up within the first 24 hours, as they were supposed to, so I used this sheet to call them and the hospital had not notified them, so they sent someone asap. Glad I had the number handy!
  • Printed out call list: Who to call when we head to hospital; Who to call right after. DH handled this. Since I was induced, we didn't really need this...
  • E-mail lists have already been created and saved so DH can send out the news afterward -- This WOULD have been helpful if we had Internet access at the hospital! Doh! With no internet, DH updated both of our Facebook pages. But it was a couple days later when he was able to go home and send out the official e-mail from our computer.
  • Snacks for DH (and me after labor): Water, granola bars, cereal, nuts, chocolate, popcorn (there is a kitchen with microwave and fridge we can use) -- This was very helpful for DH during my labor. And I looked forward to having the popsicles, which I loved!
  • Snacks for me during labor: Popsicles, caramel candy (my Dr said OK) -- I had popsicles! Yum!
  • Hot/cold packs (right now they are stored in freezer) -- I was sooo hot (hormones) after the birth, so I used the cold packs then. They were nice, but not essential.
  • Electric heating pad -- Left this at home
  • Hot water bottle -- Left this at home
  • 2 wooden massage things -- Did not use
  • Tennis balls -- Left this at home
  • Exercise ball -- Did not use due to induction and c-section keeping me confined to bed. So here is a good thing to keep in mind: You won't know what type of birth you'll have, so be prepared for anything but flexible...
  • Lip balm -- Used this
  • Hair ties -- SO HELPFUL, also my little clips for fly-aways. I used an extra hair tie on my wrist to help me remember which breast I last fed from...
  • My own pillow(s) in bright red pillow cases so hospital won't take mine (not white pillowcases) -- SO GLAD I had my own pillow! The hospital one wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but my own pillow was very nice and comfy, plus it was good to use for nursing.
  • Socks that I don't mind getting yucky, think ones with rubber on bottom -- The hospital actually gave me socks with grippies, so I used theirs! I also got two pairs to take home and keep! Score!
  • House shoes to walk around the halls in -- VERY helpful!
  • Phone card to call my sister in Spain -- Did not need since she flew in to surprise me and was THERE!
  • Kleenex so I'll have the soft kind because DH is a crier. Heck, we all might cry... This was helpful but not essential
  • DH has a stopwatch on his iPhone -- Did not need since I never went into labor
  • Our wallets with health insurance cards & keys (this is on the list so we don't run out with our heads cut off and forget) -- Essential, duh! Note that you might need your ID to check in at the hospital. And you'll need a credit card to pay for anything in the cafeteria, a private room and/or nursing bras that you buy.
  • Directions to the hospital (already saved as a "favorite" on our car's GPS system!) -- Great to have it saved on our GPS!
  • Chicken Out Menu (it's close to the hospital) -- Did not need the menu, but we did send my parents there to pick up stuff!
  • Toiletries: toothbrush/paste; yummy Aveda shampoo/cond; razer; soap; lotion; hair brush; hand lotion; face lotion; body lotion (unscented); make-up; q-tips; hair dryer -- I used ALL of these items! ESSENTIAL! Especially make-up... It made me feel better!
  • My own bath and hand towel (hospital ones are thin and yucky) & bath robe -- ESSENTIAL! Their towels were TINY! Definitely needed my own towel and hand towel.
  • Plastic flip-flops for shower (lots of yucky stuff have been in those showers!) -- ESSENTIAL!
  • Nursing bra (from Motherhood Maternity) -- Wore this home but did not need since they come around and sell nursing bras while you are in the hospital and I bought two.
  • Sleep bra (from Motherhood Maternity) -- VERY helpful since my ladies were SORE!
  • Nursing gown & robe OR Nursing top, with pj pants & robe (from Motherhood Maternity) -- VERY HELPFUL! ESSENTIAL! All you do in the hospital is breast feed, so the nursing gown and robe was KEY! Since I had a c-section, the pj pants were NOT comfortable due to my incision. So my mom went out and bought me another nursing gown, which was the only thing I could wear.
  • Boppy nursing pillow (already washed slipcover) -- Used this, but it was not essential.
  • Lanolin, nursing pads, maxi pads (just in case I don't like the hospital brand stuff) -- Not needed since the hospital provided stuff was fine.
  • Granny panties (I actually really like the Medala ones...) -- The granny panties I brought were low riders, so I could not wear them after a c-section. I used the hospital disposable ones and my mom went and bought REAL granny panties for me to wear home and after the hospital, although I did get a whole stack of the disposables to take home... (I had Always pads with wings at home, which was KEY! The hospital pads are thick and no wings. Ugg!)
  • Comfy clothes to wear home (black yoga pants, black nursing top: theory is that black makes you look thin... And baby's outfit is all white) -- I did wore exactly this home!
  • Baby outfit to wear home: kimono top, matching pants, hat, blanket, mitts (Margery Ellen -- already washed) -- Alexa wore her outfit home! Although it was a bit big on here and her pants came up to her armpits! We still have not used the mitts tho... She hasn't really scratched her face. Maybe this is a case by case thing.
  • Swaddle blanket & receiving blanket (already washed) -- Used the blanket that matched her going home outfit and thenused a swaddle blanket to make a head cushion in the car seat.
  • Pacifier & clip (optional) -- She won't take it, so in our case, it was not used...
  • Burp cloths (already washed) -- Helpful to have at least one for the car ride home.
  • Diaper bag & some extra diapers, wipes, etc. -- I was glad I had my diaper bag because it's pretty and made me feel pretty to carry it, but I did not need it or any diapers or wipes because the hospital gave us plenty
  • Car seat (already installed in car) -- ESSENTIAL!
  • Neck pillow for car seat (or use swaddle blankets, which is actually what the car seat police told us to do) -- We used a swaddle blanket, rolled up
  • Mirror in car to see baby (installed) -- Used this!
  • Sunshade in car next to car seat (installed) -- Used this too!
  • DH bag (he should bring his own towel too, and pillow and change of clothes...) -- He used all his stuff!

An Update of Sorts

There's something growing in my uterus... and it's not a baby.

Sorry to be so graphic! But that's basically my latest news. After having a few interesting things happen this past summer I decided to consult a doctor who decided to do a thorough exam of my reproductive system and found a uterine myoma that had decided to make it's home in my uterus and he thought that it was growing. I sort of pictured that phlem guy from the Musinex commercials when she told me this, which kind of made the news even more disturbing because now I'm stuck with this visualization of the phlem guy living (and growing) in my uterus.

Fast forward to two months later. I went in for another exam, and sure enough, the little booger is growing. The doctor decides this may be what caused my chemical pregnancy (the one I thought was LPD and later learned was a CP which I don't think I ever mentioned here) and may be the reason my husband and I have not gotten pregnant even though we haven't used any form of birth control our entire marriage (and here I thought we were just good at timing while TTA and were having bad luck with TTC). She did say there was a chance we could still concieve with it, so we kept trying hoping for the best, but to no avail.

So now, the doctor wants to do surgery. I'm told it's not a major surgery and will take all of 5 minutes to do and involves putting a scope through my cervix and using a little hoop to cut it away. I'll be awake the whole time and, get this, I CAN WATCH IT! On a monitor. She said she'd point it in my direction so I could see, too. I'm fairly certain I will pass on this because I'll be freaked out by the fact that there is a scope being shoved through my cervix. Because that can't feel good, even when numbed up.

The original surgery was planned for two months ago, but guess who decided to pay a visit four days late meaning she was still around when I was supposed to have the surgery? That's right! My favorite Aunt. So we had to reschedule for last month. And wouldn't you believe it? The NIGHT before my sugery (seriously about 10 hours before) she shows up 4 days EARLY!!! Wench. So we rushed to find an opening in the doc's schedule and the surgery is now planned for this Friday. It's comfortably in the middle of my cycle (I am ovulating this week) so hopefully AF won't decide to do something crazy and show up in the next couple of days and we can get this over with this week.

After the surgery she wants me to wait 2-3 months to make sure everything is checking out OK. This puts us on a December/January TTC timeline now. Which actually works out because by that point DH and I will be living in the same cities again which means we won't be running up (or down) to the same city just to TTC. Which kind of takes the fun out of it, but makes things a whole lot easier!

So now we have a timeline. January. On my January cycle we will TTC again. Until then I get to enjoy the sensation of having a scope shoved through my cervix and the aftermath of said action. Oh joy.


Actually, only I've only done one test (so far.) I was really, really trying to wait until several days after Aunt Flo was due. Yesterday morning I had a backache similar to when I was pregnant. So, I got hopeful, and a tiny bit excited. Then I bought a 2 pack of these on the way to work:

And I did a quick test before I started work (so it wasn't first morning urine, which I know is better, especially if you are testing early.)

Unfortunately this is what I saw:


That is what I suspected. Although part of me is hoping I tested too early. Aunt Flo was due yesterday and has not shown up yet. So, I will wait until Saturday and test again if she does not visit. Honestly!

Before TTC

Six weeks ago, I bought a book upon the recommendation of a friend also getting ready to TTC.

Pregnancy, as you probably know, is nine months long (or 38 weeks from conception, if you're really serious about keeping count). And if you've ever been pregnant before, you probably think that's plenty long enough. But is nine months really long enough? Does that time-honored baby-making timetable really stand up to the latest obstetrical science?

According to more and more research--and more and more experts (including the Centers for Disease Control, American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, and the American College of Pediatrics)--the answer is maybe not. That traditional nine-month figure is being challenged by a surprising new suggestion: It’s time to add more months to pregnancy.

That's right, more months. At least three more months, in fact, for a full year (or even more) of baby making. But before you panic (three extra months of not seeing my feet? Of passing on the sushi? Of waiting to hold that bundle of joy?), here’s what you need to know: Those extra months aren’t meant to be spent being pregnant, they’re meant to be spent getting ready to be pregnant.

Before you're expecting--and before you even begin trying to expect--is the best time to get both your bodies into tip-top baby-making shape. And that's why I've written What to Expect Before You're Expecting--a complete, step-by-step preconception plan to help you and your partner prep for pregnancy. Whether you're hoping to fill your nest for the first time or the fourth (or more!), a little conception know-how--which lifestyle adjustments you should make now (cut back on caffeine and cocktails) and which you can hold off on (get your sushi while you can!); which foods are fertility-friendly and which are fertility busters (say yes to yams and oysters, so long to saturated fats); how extra weight can weigh on your fertility and his; how to track fertility and pinpoint ovulation--can help you fill that nest faster. What's more, the right preconception protocol can help ensure a healthier and more comfortable pregnancy (think less morning sickness, a lowered risk of premature delivery and gestational diabetes) and a healthier bundle of baby. And the plan doesn't end when you're finished with the prepping. It covers baby-making how-to's, do's, and don'ts--everything you need to know about conception sex (from timing, to logistics, to positions, and more).

Whether you've begun your conception campaign already or you're just starting to think about getting pregnant, it’s never too late--or too early--to start optimizing your preconception profile, giving the baby of your dreams the healthiest possible start in life. So put time on your side, and add a few months to your baby-making calendar. More pregnancy, as it turns out, is more.

*Heidi Murkoff's Introduction to What to Expect Before You're Expecting from

When I went to the local book store to purchase this book. I felt a little weird standing there in the pregnancy book section without being pregnant. Almost like I was going to get in trouble for being somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be.

I feared being asked if I was pregnant, or how far along I was, when in fact, we hadn’t even started trying yet.

Imagine the horror when I had to go to the customer service counter to ask if they had a copy of the book, when after browsing through the pregnancy books for thirty minutes, I found nothing.

That’s because it was on the other side of the store near the nursing books. Odd.

I made my purchase and went home.

I kept the book in the bag for a couple of days debating whether or not to tell Mr. Joggersaur, and how to tell him. Sure, our TTC start date was rapidly approaching, but I was afraid of his reaction. (He’s a go with the flow person, I’m the planner and I want to know everything I can before it happens.)

Surprisingly, he was very accepting of my purchase and listens when I read the male sections that pertain to him, like not putting your cell phone in your pocket.

Overall, I found the book pretty helpful. Several little things I didn’t know about getting ready for pregnancy, but a lot of the information is common sense stuff that you could probably ask your friends or mom about.

But, if you’re like me, who isn’t telling anyone we are TTC to avoid millions of questions (mainly from our families), the book is a great resource to go back to during your TTC process.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Yup, you got it. It´s the mean pee stick .....12DPO and that thing is stark white. You know I realize that if I were 18 and still in high school I would be thrilled by this, but I´m 31 and married, been trying for two years and had multiple miscarriages. It´s time for two pink lines again.

I know it´s too early to hope that the accupuncture is working (I just had my third session today) but I sure had hoped for a miricle. My chart looks so promising. I know it´s not over till the biotch shows...

Holy Hooters, Batman!

You know, I always thought that your boobs didn't really grow that much until the second (or even third) trimester. Hurt, yes. Feel sensitive, yes. Maybe even sag a little. But balloon up this early? Craziness!

I'm about 9 1/2 weeks now, and my cups runneth over. In fact, my bras have been too small for nearly two weeks! I had no idea that some women had these sort of boob issues this early in a pregnancy.

I wasn't exactly flat chested to begin with (before the funbags started swelling, they were a D), and frankly, I'm getting a bit alarmed at where this will end up if they continue at this rate for the next 31 weeks. I have visions of something like this:

I know I need to buy a new bra. I know it's not good for my poor girls to be stuffed into something a half (or, more likely, an entire) size too small. On the other hand, I don't really want to shell out money for a new bra now - especially since anything larger than a C comes with a higher pricetag in Australia - only to need another one in two or three more weeks.

Does anyone else have this problem? Any advice? Should I just bite the bullet and give the girls some comfort? Or should I wait for a little while longer and see if they slow down a bit?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Twenty-Two Weeks

Today I am twenty-two weeks pregnant. It's also my second wedding annversary! So there's lots to celebrate! Mr. Divasaur and I have been a couple for eight years, but only husband and wife for two. We figured it was time to make it official and headed to Kauai with 21 of our clsoest friends for a destination wedding. It was incredible.

In the two years we've been married, we've certainly been through a lot! A major car accident right after our honeymoon, my launch of an event planning business, a sick mother-in-law, our decision to move cross-country to be closer to her, finding a job so we could relocate, closing my new business, moving to a new city, starting new careers, more issues with sick parents, my mom moving out and living with us, my many travels for work, his fulltime nursing school schedule, deciding to TTC, getting pregnant and now, expecting a daughter! WHEW! What a whirlwind! But there's no other person in this world with whom I'd rather be traveling this path. I love my husband more and more with each passing day. He's my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my rock, my everything. I cannot imagine what my life would be like without him. And now, that we're on the precipice of becoming parents, I know that his love and respect for me will spill over into his parenting. He's already an amazing father and she's not even here yet!

Speaking of our little girl, she's growing! I swear, I have popped again! My belly is fuller, rounder and firmer...almost over night. It's only been a couple of days since I felt her moving around in there, but she must be renovating and looking for more spacious digs! I'll have my hubby snap a pic before we head out to our celebration dinner and post it later.

For now, according to BabyCenter, here's what happening with Libby J:

How your baby's growing: At 11 inches and almost 1 pound, your baby is starting to look like a miniature newborn. His lips, eyelids, and eyebrows are becoming more distinct, and he's even developing tiny tooth buds beneath his gums. His eyes have formed, but his irises (the colored part of the eye) still lack pigment. If you could see inside your womb, you'd be able to spot the fine hair (lanugo) that covers his body and the deep wrinkles on his skin, which he'll sport until he adds a padding of fat to fill them in. Inside his belly, his pancreas — essential for the production of some important hormones — is developing steadily.

Let Me Introduce Myself

Hello all!!

My name is Joggersaur!! I am super excited to be a part of Pregosaur!Let’s start from the beginning.

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. It’s never been something I could kick.

Until now.

Mr. Joggersaur and I have embarked on a new eating lifestyle that took six months to get down, and increase our physical activity!

I have rediscovered a love for running. Well, jogging.

I used to run a lot playing soccer. And then before Mr. Joggersaur and I got married, I ran 5K’s, 10K’s, and half marathons.

After Mr. Joggersaur and I got engaged in December 2008, I cut back on my races and my running to plan our wedding that was just three months later.

And no, we weren’t pregnant, which we got asked a lot.

We had known each other almost nine years. And we are both close to thirty.

We married in March of 2009, and after about a month, we decided to take up something we could do together, because we didn’t want to be one of those couples that either A) does their own thing, or B) sits in front of the TV. So, we took up Jogging.

The difference between running and jogging? Nothing really, but I enjoy the slower pace of jogging rather than running so fast I can’t breathe. But that’s just me.

Now we jog three or four times a week, and both of us plan to keep jogging throughout my pregnancy when it happens, as long as we can.

That’s right, we’re TTC.

We got married in March, and originally had planned to just let things happened once we got married.

A few days before the wedding, Mr. Joggersaur began having second thoughts. Not in a bad way, but in a too many big things are happening at once kind of way.

So we agreed to wait until we had been married six months.

And thank goodness!!!

So many things have happened in our life, that if had become pregnant right away, things would have been a lot harder.

That brings us to now.

We hit the six month mark in September. We've been waiting patiently for AF, so that we could stop preventing immediately after.

It is our goal, to TTC naturally, without temping, or taking tests. Mr. Joggersaur and I want to make this as fun and enjoyable as TTC can be.

His motto is, “If it happens, it happens.”

Mine is, “I really want it to happen.” LOL.

For the past six months, I have been keeping track of when AF comes and goes, CM, and other PMS symptoms, so I have a good idea when I am ovulating and how long my cycle is.

This month, I got so anxious in waiting for AF to get here because I knew it was my last cycle before we stopped preventing, I was a week late.


But here we are, officially taking that next step.

And I couldn’t be more excited!!

I look forward to sharing our experiences with you!

One Lovely Blog Award!

Over the weekend, we received the One Lovely Blog award from the fabulous Penny-Pinching Mama! I absolutely love her site - it's full of awesome money savers like free samples and amazing coupon deals.

One Lovely Blog has to be passed on to 15 of your own favorite blogs, and I had a tough time narrowing down the list - click here for some of our favorite TTC, baby and parenting blogs - but here are my picks:

Unexpectedly Expecting

Who's on your Lovely Blog list?

Monday, September 28, 2009

Long time no post!

Hello all! Sorry that I haven’t posted anything in a really long time. I’m finally coming out of the 1st trimester hibernation period (aka fatigue) that hit me really hard. It feels wonderful to have energy again…even if my energy level's still not what it was pre-pregnancy.

We got to see the baby twice in the first trimester...what wonderful experiences those were! Our last scan was the NT scan and baby was moving around like crazy. I got the results back from the blood work that went along with the scan today and we went from a 1/320 chance of having an abnormality to a 1/2200 chance. We were very happy that our chances of a healthy baby are really good, not that we would have done anything otherwise. It's just reassuring.

My newest news is that I’m interviewing for a new job this week. I’m excited and nervous about it at the same time. I moved to NY a year ago and had a hard time finding a job. I was probably lucky to find any job with the way things have been lately, but the job is not in the area that I wanted to be in. I found a posting about 2 months ago for a job that I really wanted and applied for it. Last week I got a call to come in for an interview. I’ve been debating on whether I should tell them that I’m pregnant or not. I’ve finally come to the decision that I’m going to tell them. I know that I’m not required to, but I need to know that they are going to be ok with it ahead of time. My thought is, if they don’t hire me because I’m pregnant it’s probably not a place that I’m going to want to work anyway. I’ll keep you all updated on what happens at the interview.

I like these little quizzes that I’ve seen other people do. I figured I’d start doing them as well.

How far along?- 14 weeks, 5days…I still can’t believe that I’m this far along already.

Total weight gain/loss- 12 pounds. Yikes! I’m hoping to start exercising more this week to keep this number from going up as fast as it has been.

How Big is Baby?- An apple

Maternity clothes?- I’m in maternity pants (have been since about week 9 due to bloat). I bought a few maternity shirts and sweaters, but they are still huge on me.

Stretch marks?- I have some old ones and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I don’t get any new ones.

Sleep- I sleep like a rock. I have had a few nightmares since being pregnant (being in a river and going over a waterfall, having cancer and having to choose between keeping the baby and getting chemo). Luckily I haven’t had any in a few weeks. I’m hoping those were 1st Trimester related.

Best moment this week?- Getting to hear the heart beat for the first time and spending time with my old work friend in NYC.

Movement- Nope…hopefully in the next few weeks.

Food cravings- Nothing consistent, but I do crave McDonald’s McFlurries and donuts from Dunkin Donuts. That may be related to my 12 pound weight gain. Oops!

Gender- We find out on 10/23!

Labor Signs- None yet, thank goodness.

Belly Button in or out?- In and I'm not looking forward to it popping out.

What I am looking forward to- Feeling the baby move and finding out the sex. Unfortunely we still have a several week for both of these things.

Milestones- Not feeling as tired as I was in 1st Trimester!

And the winners of the Snuggle-Me giveaway are... gave us the winning numbers for our Snuggle-Me giveaway...

Lucky number 2 was Ashley!

And lucky number 6 was Gabby!

Congratulations, ladies! Send an email with your full name and address to and we'll get your books in the mail to you ASAP.

Thanks to everyone for entering the giveaway!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Baby Politisaur is (finally) here!

As you all know, my little one did NOT arrive on her due date of September 2nd! Nor did she arrive in the week following... And I DID try EVERYTHING! So, take it from me, NOTHING works. Spicy food? Nope. Sex? Nope. Walking? Nope. Nipple stimulation? Nope. NADA!

So I was induced!

I had mixed feelings about that. I was looking forward to the excitement of going into labor on my own, having my water break, rushing to the hospital... But my doctor assured me that since I was a week late, induction was fully appropriate.

So we went home and gathered our bags. Had one last dinner with my family. My parents and sister had all flown in a week prior for her birth. We ate enchiladas. Then DH drove me to the hospital. We spent the night while I had a pre-induction procedure (Cervidal). At 7 a.m. the next day, my doctor broke my water and started the Pitocin. But by 4 p.m., still no progress.

So I had a C-Section!

My contractions were not coming on strong enough -- they were small and coming every 30 seconds to 1 minute. So my doctor said that if I wanted a vaginal delivery, my best shot would be to crank up the Pitocin. However, if the contractions were too strong and too close together, as had been the case with my contractions all day, it could put the baby into distress and mandate an emergency C-Section. Our other option was to go straight to the C-Section.

We reminded ourselves that our #1 goal was a healthy baby -- NOT a vaginal delivery -- so risking putting her under distress was out of the question. Hence, I braced myself for a C-Section. Less than 30 minutes after we made our decision, I was strapped down in the operating room, scared out of my mind, on the verge of tears, staring into DH's eyes when I heard my baby cry for the first time... I started bawling. I was so happy. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! My baby! Here at last! Real. Really happening. Scoring a 9/10 Apgar! My BABY!

Alexa Leilani
Born 9-9-09 at 5:14 p.m.
7 pounds, 12 ounces
19 3/4 inches

I was in the hospital for another four nights. By the time we were discharged, my milk had come in. I learned what it meant to be engorged. Ouch! Luckily, sweet little Alexa is a sucking machine. So by the time she was 12 days old, she had regained her birth weight!

My parents just left yesterday. It's been a whirlwind. I have not slept more than 3-4 hours at a time because I need to feed Alexa every 3 hours. I have learned that when people say "Sleep when the baby sleeps," they really mean SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS! I have also learned that you can do A LOT of things with only ONE HAND (while holding baby with the other)!

It's also been amazing. I had no idea. I just stare at her and marvel at her perfect little eyelashes. Her eyebrows. Her little fingers and fingernails... My perfect, beautiful little baby! It blows my mind that she GREW in my belly... That she became this amazing little being from a ball of cells... Wow!

For more details of her birth, click here. For the full story of her name, click here. For hospital pictures of Alexa, click here and here. For photos of us bringing Alexa home, click here.

Finally... A few random thoughts!

-- Best diapers for newborns is Pampers with the line that turns green when the diaper is wet!
-- I looooove the Aden & Anais swaddling blankets! And the Ultimate Receiving blanket!
-- I have not used the baby mitts at all. Useless.
-- I looooove my baby sling! I have a black Hotsling. Love it!
-- I also love our infant bouncer seat. We have the Fisher Price my little lamb bouncer.
-- I am sooooo glad we got the bassinet!
-- If you have a changing table on more than one floor... Get two diaper genies!
-- DEFINITELY get newborn photos! Click here to see ours...

I promised to check back in on what we used at the hospital, so I'll be back soon with that post! Now, I've got to feed Alexa again...

From happy to sad in a mere 24 hours...

So I actually got a BFP Saturday. I couldn't believe that there was a second line there, but there was, although it was very very faint. I cannot even describe the excitement after waiting through a 44 day long cycle and growing more and more impatient each day. I was awake early to drive 3 hours to spend the weekend with my sister, who's due with her third child in November, and I thought it was perfect timing. My husband was gone Fri-Sun on a business trip, so unfortunately I was all alone to see it happen. I called my sister and explained to her what happened, of course she was overjoyed. I posted the picture of the test on FF and pretty much everyone could see the second line. I was so happy. All throughout the drive, I kept thinking about how wonderful the new baby would be and how I would tell my husband, parents, friends, and coworkers. I thought about how my life had completely changed in one morning and it was an unbelievable feeling.

When I arrived at my sister's house, she looked at the test and saw the second line as well. Even my 4 year old niece could see it. We spent the day at a pumpkin patch and I picked out three pumpkins, one for me, one for DH, and a little tiny one. I planned to put them on the front porch and tell him that the small one represented the baby that I had just found out I was carrying. I was so overwhelmed the entire day and still couldn't believe the positive, so we went to the dollar store and bought more tests. I took one in the afternoon and it was very faint, but there. I went to bed elated.

Well, I woke up this morning to take my temperature and it had dropped dramatically. I just had a gut feeling that something was not right. However, I got up and faithfully took both my FRER and dollar store test. The FRER still had a second line, but it was fainter than the day before. The dollar store test definitely had a second line, although faint. After taking the tests, I noticed some very very light spotting, but not like anything that AF usually does. I began to get worried, but figured that since there was still a second line and AF had not come, I was okay. I went back to lie down in bed for a while.

When I got up again, there wasn't any more blood, but I was still worried. I showed my sister the tests and she definitely saw lines. I told her about the temperature drop and how I was still worried, but she thought everything was fine. I walked back upstairs to get dressed and continued to have hope.

Yet, when I used the restroom, AF definitely came. I couldn't believe my eyes. There I'd been in the same bathroom just 2 hours before looking at positive tests and here I was bleeding. Unbelievable. I immediately went back downstairs and broke down crying with my sister. I just knew it was over.

After doing some research online, it appears to have been a chemical pregnancy. Apparently, extremely common, although most women don't even find out if they don't test before AF comes. I wish I hadn't tested, I wish I hadn't already imagined this baby and all that would change in my life. I wish I hadn't seen the second line, the sadness of having a BFN would be much better than this.

I called my DH later on and told him what happened. Thank goodness I have a husband who is so understanding and supportive. He just told me that we'd just have to keep trying and that it would happen eventually. Of course he's right, but it was still hard to hear. I talked to my mom and dad later also, and my mom just told me that there may have just been some chromosomal defect or something that prevented it from sticking. Again, it was hard to hear.

I know that I only knew I was pregnant for a day, but that day was long enough to imagine all the could change and all the happiness it would bring. It was long enough to envision taking my baby places and watching him or her grow. It was long enough to pick out three pumpkins that I thought would represent our growing family.

I know it was only there for a short time, but I still lost something that I won't ever forget.

We have movement!

Yay! It's weird,it was just a few days ago that I was concerned that I hadn't felt movement, or at least anything that I could, for sure, identify as the baby. Well, today, it's happened.

She's been active all morning. It actually started last night...I felt little taps in my lower abdomen, near my hip left hip bone. According to the last two u/s that's where her feet have been. Then this morning, I felt it again. Then, when I was lying on my back, I swore that I saw my shirt move in a little blip, near my belly button. I lifted my shirt and actually saw the blip! AMAZING! So I am lying around all day trying to feel it again. I cannot describe it. It's almost like catching something amazing out of the corner of your eye. You turn to look and it's gone! I cannot wait to feel more and for Mr. Divasaur to feel it too.


Unfortunately, I am not a patient person. I always want to know what is going to happen and when it is going to happen. This is impossible when trying to conceive.

I am almost at the end of the 2WW. Aunt Flo is due on Tuesday. I am trying desperately not to test early. Even during my first pregnancy this May , I didn't get a positive test result until a week after I thought my period was due. I am pretty sure that testing early will only result in a BFN, or multiple BFNs. So, I'm hanging in there. I have one test in the back of the cupboard in the bathroom. It is "hiding" from me.

I'm not even sure if I ovulated this past cycle. We were on a European holiday when we were actively trying and I didn't notice my body's usual signals. Normally, I can detect some ovulation pain and a change in cervical mucus so I know for sure that I've ovulated. I didn't get any clear signals this time. Maybe because of the time difference? Maybe because I was in a different environment? Or there is the possibility that I really didn't ovulate.

We are taking a relaxed, keep it simple attitude towards TTC. No charting, no BBT recording, no CM monitoring. If, after several cycles, we do not conceive, I may want to consider charting. We are both almost 40 and we really don't have much time to lose. I worry that I may get stressed out with all of the details of charting and actually harm my chances of achieving that BFP.

After my miscarriage, I am not sure what to expect anymore. I am excited about getting pregnant again yet there is a part of me that is worried. I am trying not to listen to that part. I believe that positive thinking can influence the outcome of our TTC process.

So, here I am. Waiting. I'm really hoping for this to happen again:

Yet, I am afraid to get my hopes up, only to be disappointed. I am really trying to be patient. At this point, it is really important for me to take it one day at a time. And to hold onto positive thoughts !

Saturday, September 26, 2009

PSA: The Importance of Rear-Facing

Lots has changed in the 10 year since I took care of my infant nephew (I nannied him until he was 2.5 years old). Nowadays, they recommend keeping your kids in a rear-facing car seat until they are at least two years old. This video explains why. Good to know.

An ultrasound and a bonus...

Last week, I had my "big" ultrasound. I'm not sure why I didn't post about it sooner, but just haven't really felt like it because I've been in a bit of a funk this past week due to my last post.

Anyways, I am back to feeling better about things. Hopeful for the future and all that jazz. The sadness still bubbles up from time to time, but it is not as raw.

So, here's a pic of our lil baby Legalosaur from our big ultrasound, who so obviously has his/her father's profile that it makes me ache.

I mean, DUDE! I am carrying around a miniature of my husband in my ute right now. That just makes me feel weird and yet closer to him, all at once. *lol* The ultrasound tech didn't say much about the baby's anatomy, but mentioned that everything looked normal to her. We didn't find out the gender, we're going for the BIG surprise at delivery.

The bonus I mentioned in the subject line of this blog post? I've started feeling movement. Finally! It started in my 18th week. I was *pretty* sure what I was feeling was movement, but then I kept doubting myself... I mean, I've been convincing myself that what I've been feeling for so long is gas, maybe I'm still feeling gas?

No, it's quite clear to me as I sailed through my 19th week that what I was feeling is definitely little ninja kicks from within. They are not strong enough for Mr. Legalosaur to feel, but there's no mistaking them. Being that my placenta is anterior, I was not really expecting to feel movement until after 20 weeks, probably closer to 23-24 weeks.

And today, I'm at 20 weeks. This is a major milestone for me, like 12 weeks was. There were times I didn't think I'd make it here. I'd talk myself off the ledge by repeating - over and over again - just make it to 20 weeks. Make it to 20 weeks, and everything will be okay.

And here I stand, at 20 weeks. I have arrived. It feels good. I AM HALF-WAY THERE. I can breathe.

My next big milestone date is 27 weeks. Because at 27 weeks, if this baby were to be born early, he or she would have a 90% survival rate. Would there be issues, oh definitely. Likelihood of brain damage and other preemie issues, absolutely. But our baby would be alive. And that gives me comfort.

That's it for me. I'm off to drink some orange juice with my iron pill, and then lie on my side to enjoy some more kicks!

Getting Ready for Baby - Cloth Diapers

What they say is start nesting in the second trimester. Maybe because you have more energy and less queasiness? Maybe because it's feeling are having a baby in a few months! Who knows?! But it's kicked in full force for me!

image source

We are planning to cloth diaper and I just received my stash this week:

-36 Oso Cozy DSQ Unbleached Indian Cotton Prefolds in Infant and Premium Sizes

-Various Diaper Covers (1 newborn Bummis Super Whisper Wrap, 3 Thirsties in XS, 3 Thirsties in S as well as one Duo Wrap in size 1, and 3 Duo Wraps in size 2).

-4 sets of Gerber Diaper Pins (yellow and white)
(from the local grocery store)

All I need now is some Snappis and maybe some wool covers and additional inserts for nighttime. And a diaper pail (we plan to use a white plastic kitchen trash bin) and a couple of liners. But for the most part (and about $200) we are pretty set for diapering our LO until she is using the potty. And if we maintain the stash in good condition, I hope to use it for Baby #2 as well.

I bought mainly gender neutral colored covers (green, yellow, aqua, white) but couldn't resist a couple of more girlie ones (like lavender and raspberry). Aren't they cute?

image source

My diapers arrived brand-new, so I needed to prep them. I followed the boiling instructions I found at But I used Ultra Ivory Soap instead of Dawn. It took about 2 hours of boiling 4 at a time in my largest stock pot, for 10 minutes each, replacing the water every other group. Then I ran them through a hot water cycle without detergent and dried them on high (not maximum) heat last night. I tossed them into the wash this morning with some Ecos Free and Clear Liquid Detergent (about a tablespoon), again on hot, and they are fluffing up on the dryer as I write. For more about which detergents to use on cloth diapers, check out this awesome chart.

my mom snapped this pic of DH and I boiling the diapers

I decided to go with something I can readily buy, locally, and for a decent price. I got the Ecos F&C at a local health food store for $13.00 and it says it will do 100 loads, but with CDs you actually use less than the recommended amounts, so I am sure I will get way more than 100 loads out of one bottle.

Once they're dry, they'll be folded into thirds and doubled in half and kept in this cute cloth covered storage bin that I bought at Target for $10.00. (edited to add: they all fit! 3 rows of 12 did the trick!)

I snagged Lionheart Ultimate Wipes Warmer for $6 at the Just Between Friends consignment sale and do need to get some cloth wipes (they're on my registry). I'll probably make my own solution or go with one of the more popular premade ones, like Kissiluvs Diaper Potion Concentrate. We will probably just start with warm water and take it from there, if need be.

If you're considering cloth diapering or just curious about why it's become a trend in recent years, there are plenty of sites out there. Here's a great one to start you on your way. This one and this one too. For us, it comes down to economics and ecology. We'll still have to use disposables a couple of days a week once our LO is in daycare (the place we have chosen doesn't allow CDs), but other than that, it's cloth all the way for our baby's bum!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Shaken up

The last 24 hours have been eventful - and not in a good way. Yesterday, as the workday was winding down, I went to the bathroom and there it was: blood. I froze. It wasn't a lot - just a tiny smear caught up in some mucus - but it was there. I was spotting. Oh god. Oh no. Oh please, please no. Not again. Please, please not again.

I rushed out of the bathroom and sent a message to my supervisor, who is also a friend and knows about my previous miscarriage and current pregnancy: "I'm spotting. It's only a little bit but I'm freaking out. I'm so scared." Her reply was one word: "GO." I ran to grab my things and asked her to call my husband to tell him that we had to leave (he and I work at the same company and carpool together). Two minutes later, I was in the car and bawling, pleading over and over, "Please no. Please no. Please, please, please no."

As scared as I was, I knew there probably wasn't much point in going to the ER; it had only been one tiny bit of spotting, without any cramping or any other signs of miscarriage - and even though I was close to panic, a small amount of occasional spotting is fairly common in the first trimester. We drove home and Mr Bibliosaur called my doctor - I was too much of a wreck to talk on the phone - who said to keep an eye on the spotting. If I saw any more blood or had any cramping, she wanted me to go to the hospital. If I was miscarrying at 8 1/2 weeks, there wouldn't be much they could do to stop it, but they could at least monitor me. I went to lie down, not knowing if it would help, but wanting to do whatever I could to relax my body.

As I laid in bed, shaking and crying and whispering to our precious twins and begging the universe not to take them, I thought about the problems Legalosaur has been facing with her constant spotting and even occasional full bleeding. I don't know how she handles it. I honestly don't. I was falling apart over one small bit of spotting - she's obviously an incredibly strong and brave woman.

I stayed in bed for the rest of the day yesterday and most of today, and every time I've gone to the bathroom in the last 24 hours, I've had to force myself to look at the tissue. So far there hasn't been any more spotting, and no cramping beyond the occasional twinge that I normally have from things stretching and growing. I'm not completely relaxed again yet, but I am feeling much calmer. I'm still on self-imposed rest - even though my doctor didn't recommend it, it can't hurt and it makes me feel like I'm doing something (rather ironic, considering I'm actually doing nothing, eh?).

After this long, I think everything is probably fine, and that the spotting was just a random event. I still have no idea what caused the spotting, or if it will come back - the one thing I do know is that I love these babies more than ever.

Love Pregosaur? Vote for us!

We're super excited right now, because one of our all time favorite sites, The Bump, has just announced their first ever Mommy Blog awards! Show your Pregosaur love by clicking the button below and voting for us in the Fertility and Pregnancy Blog sections!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

My miscarriage

Two months ago today, I had a miscarriage. A "missed miscarriage" actually. Our baby stopped growing at five weeks and I miscarried at ten weeks. I never realized before how devastating this experience was to a woman, to her partner and to their relationship.

At our nine week ultrasound, Mr. Pharmasaur and I were looking forward to seeing our baby for the first time. Instead, I was alone in a small, cramped examining room with an ultrasound tech who wouldn't say anything. Just that she needed to schedule another ultrasound in two weeks. I told Mr. Pharmasaur on the way to the car what had happened. How could we possibly wait two weeks to find out?

We went back to the clinic and asked to see my family doctor. After a short wait, she told us that the ultrasound technician hadn't seen a heartbeat and it was just a waiting game now. She gave me a requisition for a HCG test which we got done right away. What a horrible weekend that was. The waiting was agonizing. Not knowing if I was carrying a live fetus or not was so heartbreaking and stressful. I think we started our grieving that weekend.

The next week of waiting was no easier for us. I saw my family doctor again, plus had a Midwifery information session and two appointments with the Ob-Gyn. I had two more HCG levels done. On the Wednesday, I knew that the levels were falling and that this pregnancy would not continue for much longer. At that point I was waiting to miscarry.

In the space of one week, I had a total of five ultrasounds. Three were abdominal and two were vaginal. I felt so violated and devastated.

The only place where I received some support was at the Midwifery Clinic. Even though it was the first time I had seen them, they gave me their on call numbers. They told me to call anytime if I had any questions or concerns. They encouraged me to call if I was miscarrying and needed to talk with someone.

I started to miscarry on the Thursday night and it was completed in the Ob-Gyn's office the next morning. Our baby was gone. I was in shock. I still remember driving to the Indigo bookstore afterward, looking for some information or comfort in books about miscarriage. I was numb with disbelief.

Mr. Pharmasaur and I handled the grief differently. He wanted to get busy and not think about it too much. I wanted to commemorate our baby's short life, grieve and cry. We did hold a memorial service, just the two of us, about a week after the miscarriage. I think Mr. Pharmasaur was reluctant to do this at first. I hope it helped with his healing process as I know it helped me with mine.

We were just on a European vacation for two weeks and I brought along some books to read. In one of the books, a character has an ultrasound and sees an image of her baby on the screen. This triggered tears and grief for me again. It also triggers anger - why did this happen to us? We thought we were so lucky to be able to conceive so quickly. Then it turned out we were not lucky at all.

Goodbye again, our sweet angel. You will not be forgotten.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Last chance to enter giveaway - two Snuggle-Me stories!

The Snuggle-Me giveaway is ending this Saturday - click here to enter!

A new reason to love fall

Fall is my favorite time of the year, not only does it house my birthday but nature paints the most beautiful picture. There is something about fall that just gives me that wake up and can't wait to get out of bed feeling. It could be the smell of burning leaves, or pumpkin picking, or apple picking. It also brings to me honey crisp apples which are one of my reasons for living. I just love everything about fall. I love that it is cool enough to wear long sleeve t-shirts and cute scarves.


Which brings to my next point today while shopping I was trying to think of some reasons why I should be happy I am not pregnant right now. I want to set my mind to be positive not negative. No offense to all the pregnant women everywhere I am excited for all you. So I am walking in Dominick's and I spot Starbucks then it and I have found reason number two to love fall. Pumpkin Spice Lattes! I run to the counter and order mine immediately. It tasted so good on my lips like a little slice of heaven. I can't wait to have another one. I normally don't like any coffee but I could drink these all day long I mean really who needs sleep.


As I read baby blogs I find that some of the moms mention how much their lives change and they wish they would have taken more advantage of spending time with their husbands before the baby came. So spending quality time with Mr Relaxasaur (just the two of us) is number one on my list. The list also contains drinking, and being able to just run out whenever I want, and sleeping in. I am not trying to say that not having a baby is better but I just don't want to let all these "items" pass me by just because all I can think about is wanting a baby.

What are some of your favorite things about fall?

Twenty-One Weeks

image source

I had an appointment today, so we got to see Libby again! And hear her heartbeat, which was a healthy 143 bpm. I also got a flu shot today too.

Me with our photo of Elizabeth Joan...we cannot wait to meet her!

Since I've taken the day off from work (to recover from my marathon in the UK last week!) we decided to go and look at two daycare centers near our home. The first was our first choice and we're happy with it and it has availability, so we're going to pay to hold a place for next Spring. They have small classes (3 infant to one adult for a maximum of 6 infants in the room) and offer part-time, which is all we need. And it's super affordable! So we're thrilled! Check that off the list!

Thanks to a great tip from Chocosaur, I've also ordered our Unbleached Indian Cotton Prefold Cloth Diapers and Thirsties Diaper Covers and they should arrive today. So we're pretty set there. Next on our list? We've got to get the car seat and bases, which we'll order next month. Whew! So much to do to get ready for our little bundle of joy! I hope I start to feel her kicks soon, my doctor said I have an anterior placenta, so it may be week 22 or later before I feel distinctive kicks. I hope to feel them soon!

According to BabyCenter, here's what's happening with our little girl this week:

Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long — the length of a carrot. You may soon feel like she's practicing martial arts as her initial fluttering movements turn into full-fledged kicks and nudges. You may also discover a pattern to her activity as you get to know her better. In other developments, your baby's eyebrows and lids are present now, and if you're having a girl, her vagina has begun to form as well.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Hey, who took my crosshairs?

This was my chart before I entered today´s temp. I even thought it was probably right. The only other day I could have o´d would have been CD 14, the day I got my positive OPK. The gynocologist had told me that based on my ultrasound and the measurements she would expect me to O on CD 14 or 15. I think she was right. I had lots of EWCM on CD 14 and some on CD 13, and only some watery stuff on CD 15. After that, nothing, nada. And after CD 15 my cervix was not soft and open anymore. But thanks to my temp this morning......
Fertility Friend thinks I haven´t O´d. Shame on her. I am sure I have. Very sure. I wonder if it´s the new thermometer (I got a new thermometer at the start of this cycle), my poor sleeping habits as of late, the fact that I went to bed with wet hair last night, or that fact that I went swimming last night and was a bit tired? Or maybe that my throat was a bit scratchy? Oh dearest FF, please give me my crosshairs back, and please do not put them at some later date, please, pretty please? Sigh.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Kickin' up a storm

At my NT scan, the tech told me that my placenta was posterior and that it meant I would probably feel movement pretty early. She was right. At about 16 weeks, I started to feel the "bubbles" that I kept reading about. The feeling that you kind of think might be gas, but if you're not bloated, is probably the baby moving. I was lying on my side and it really just felt like bubbles in my belly. At 17 weeks, I was sure it was baby. She was kicking pretty low, sometimes around my cervix, and it was unmistakable. You'll know that one when you feel it!

By about 17w4d I could actually feel kicks from the outside! Since then, every time I feel her kicking hard I put my hand on my tummy to feel her kicking. It's amazing! And I can't get enough. Every night I put my hubby's hand on my belly to make him feel her kicks. I think he's felt her a couple times but he says he's not sure if what he's feeling is really her or just my muscle tensing or my breathing. He often says he felt something but it's not usually the times when I feel her kick really hard inside. So who knows?

You know, as amazing as it all is, this whole pregnancy is still so surreal to me. I still can't believe there's this little person growing inside me and I still don't really feel pregnant. Maybe because I still don't look pregnant? I just really don't feel much different, physically, than I did pre-pregnancy. Everyone has told me to enjoy my pregnancy because it goes by so quickly. And I'm trying to enjoy it. But it's so much different than I ever expected. I've gained between 6 and 8 lbs and I still just look a little chubby in the tummy. No flames, please, but it's just so hard to have to be okay with gaining weight, when, for as long as you can remember, you had to try so hard to lose weight or at least not gain any. I think I'm just in that stage where I still just feel fat because I don't have a real bump yet. And I know that I'll lose the weight once I have the baby, but it's just weird. I really thought I would embrace the belly, and maybe I will once it rounds out and looks like a baby belly. At least, that's what I'm hoping for. I do know that in the end, no matter what my body looks like, it will be worth it. I just can't wait to hold our baby in my arms!

Due date

Today is my due date. My due date for our first pregnancy that ended with a miscarriage in March this year.

I've thought about our first baby so much over the past few months. It's so hard not to count how far along I would have been, to imagine my belly full and ready to pop, to remember the love and the innoncence I had in that pregnancy. It's hard to not remember the significance of today...

Today. Today is hard. I actually started writing this blog post soon after I woke up this morning, before speaking to anyone. And I felt okay, actually. Yes, today is our due date, but that pregnancy was not meant to be. That baby was not meant to be held in my arms, to be kissed, to smile and laugh...

But then Mr. Legalosaur called me from work, to ask me how I'm doing. And the tears started flowing. I could hear the pain and sadness in his voice, and that made the tears come faster and harder. And they haven't yet stopped. I actually had to phone my mum and ask her not to come to visit today (she comes every weekday, with food for me and to walk the dogs while I'm on bed rest) because I just want to be alone. Alone with Mr. Legalosaur - who is coming home - and my thoughts.

No new pregnancy will ever replace one that is lost. Babies are not like toys or power tools, they are not replaceable. Each baby is unique. Each baby leaves a stamp on your heart.

I will always treasure the memories I have of our first pregnancy. No pregnancy will ever be the same after the loss that we experienced. Everything in my life will be a different colour because of that experience. I gained an exclusive membership to a club of women that I never knew existed, that I never wanted to be a part of. Life has a funny way of giving you things you don't want, I guess...

To the little one we lost in March, I want you to know you are loved by your Mummy and Daddy very much. We have never forgotten you, we never will. Each year, on the 21st day of September, we will think of you and how old you should have been that year. Our hearts will ache as we think of the first tooth you should have cut, but didn't. The first steps you should have taken, but didn't. The first day of school you should have attended, but didn't. So many firsts, that you will never experience. I wish it could have turned out differently.

People tell us, "It wasn't meant to be". These words used to hurt, a lot. It doesn't hurt as much now, because I've come to acceptance and I know it wasn't meant to be. But that knowledge doesn't stop the love that a mother feels for her child. And it certainly doesn't stop the tears from coming today, on the day you should have been born.

I love you, little one.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Introducing Pharmasaur!

I am happy to be joining the Pregosaur blog. I am the new 'saur on the block - Pharmasaur.

Mr. Pharmasaur and I live in Canada, in a suburb of the city of Toronto, Ontario. We are fast approaching 40 years old this November and we have just recently started our TTC journey.

I married Mr. Pharmasaur in September of 2006. We are what you could call "late-bloomers." We were both almost 37 when we tied the knot. For a while, we were not sure if we wanted kids. Then last summer, we had a serious TTC discussion. Since we had recently moved into our first house together, we decided that the time was not yet right for us to TTC. We wanted to get settled in first.

Shortly after we got married, I had an IUD inserted. That was our method of contraception for the next 30 months. At the removal appointment, the Ob-Gyn said that we could try to conceive at anytime. This was in May 2009 and Mr. Pharmasaur and I were again discussing the possibility of trying to have a baby. Two days after the IUD removal I finally realized that I really DID want to TTC. I wasn't sure if Mr. Pharmasaur was on the same page so I was feeling a little nervous about telling him my thoughts. When he arrived home from work that day, he told me he wanted to TTC before I even brought up the topic. The right time had finally arrived!

We were concerned about the fact that we are both 39 and how that would impact our ability to conceive. I started on prenatal vitamins right away. The IUD was removed on the first day of my period so we started trying that cycle. I went to see my family doctor and she did some blood tests. I had asked her how long we should try to conceive before asking for help and she said not to wait. She put in a referral for a fertility specialist.

We kept our TTC experience very simple. We did the "baby-dance" every other day for about a week in the middle of my cycle. I also remained lying down with my hips elevated for about 20 minutes after sex. I'm not convinced that really helps but it made sense to us. I did not take my BBT. I paid attention to my cervical mucous but didn't formally chart.

Imagine our surprise, joy and shock when we got a BFP on June 15! I went back to my family doctor and had it confirmed. I really was pregnant! I was pretty nervous, amazed and overjoyed. I religiously took my prenatal vitamins, improved my diet dramatically and tried to avoid any potentially toxic foods, chemicals and skin care products. The fertility specialist called and I happily cancelled it. My doctor referred me to an Ob-Gyn in case I was unable to find a spot at a Midwifery clinic. I did finally get an appointment for an information session with a Midwife. But things were about to change for us.

On July17, Mr. Pharmasaur and I went to our first ultrasound. I should have been 9 weeks along at that point. Unfortunately, a heartbeat was not detected and another ultrasound was scheduled for 2 weeks later. The doctor explained I could have ovulated later than I thought or it could be a missed miscarriage or a blighted ovum.

A week later, on July 24, I did miscarry. The baby had stopped developing at 5 weeks and I miscarried at 10 weeks. Mr. Pharmasaur and I were devastated and in shock. It was a roller coaster of emotions for several weeks. I went through grief, anger, shock, disbelief, guilt, fear - a full gamut of emotions.

We are now ready to try again. I got my period back 6 weeks after the miscarriage. We have just returned from a European vacation and we started to TTC again on our trip. I am glad to be here to share the next phase of our journey with you.

Friday, September 18, 2009

In No Man's Land

That is where I am. I am in that cycle where you don't exactly know if you ovulated or not or if you are waiting for Aunt Flow to show up in a couple of days. So I figure there is really nothing I can do about it so I should just go about my business. I am one of those people who believe everything will happen when it is supposed to. So I go on with my life. Yesterday I took the train in the city with a friend. We checked out Navy Pier and walked over to the Field Museum and saw the pirate exhibit. It was great. But the whole time when we were walking all I saw were pregnant women and mom's pushing strollers or wearing their babies. I realized once you start TTC a little part of you changes and I don't think I can go back.


I used to be one of those people who didn't notice kids or pregnant women. I would just walk about in my merry little world able to look past that stuff. Now things are different because I long to be one of those pregnant women. Life was simpler before TTC. Now I worry about is it the right time of the month, should we have sex more this week or did we spend all of our energy on the wrong week. Babies are starting to consume my mind. It doesn't help when I read other baby blogs but I enjoy them and hearing the different pregnancy stories and learning how mom's change after the baby comes. I try not to read them as often because when I don't read I find it is easier to distact myself. I am just glad we are keeping it a secret from most of the people I know and love so they can't ask me a million times if I am knocked up yet. I know my day will come that is not what is bothering me what is bothering me is that my mind wont let me go back to my simple oblivious self.

Double thoughts

It's been four days since we found out that we were having twins. It feels like four years. Maybe even four decades.

It's amazing how news like this can change everything. When we first started trying to conceive, it changed the way I looked at the world. Even though I didn't have a child of my own, I became more aware of the parents around me - how they interacted with their kids, how they dealt with everyday problems, how lives change when a child is born.

And now my outlook has changed again. Twins are an unbelievable blessing, and we're astounded and amazed at our luck...but also terrified. Because everything has changed.

Things have changed financially - we had planned and prepared a comfortable post-baby budget for one child, and while twins won't put us out on the street, it will be a lot tighter. Buying baby furniture for one is expensive, but outfitting a nursery for two is very expensive...especially in Australia where everything costs more than it does in the States, and decent quality secondhand items are hard to find in my small town. A single stroller becomes a pricier double or tandem model. Diaper costs, whether you're planning to cloth diaper or use disposables, suddenly skyrocket. Daycare expenses become double what you expected them to be (I investigatee what a nanny would cost, but in my area it would be twice as much as daycare for both babies!).

Things have changed health-wise. After my miscarriage, I was looking forward to a nice, low risk pregnancy. But with twins, the risks rise both before and during birth. And with identical twins (which is what it looks like we're having), they're higher yet again. Speaking of birth, there are also much higher odds that I'll need a Cesarean section. It's not my preference, but I've come to accept that this may be necessary - it may not, but I need to be prepared that it will. Since the ultimate goal is two healthy babies, I won't mind giving up what I thought I wanted to make sure that our twins are delivered as safely as possible - but it's still an unexpected mental adjustment that has to be made.

Things have changed in terms of practicality. I never thought I'd have to research how to breastfeed two babies at the same time! What about comforting two crying babies? Bathing and dressing them? And what about their nursery? We're currently buying a house, and the sweet, cozy little room that we originally planned to use for a nursery is suddenly far too small - there's absolutely no way we can fit two cribs and the rest of the furniture that we'll need in there. So our former guest bedroom will become the nursery, and our guest bed will be downgraded from a queen to a single bed or a daybed in order to fit in the new, smaller space. Again, it's not anything that's insurmountable - but it's another change that has to be considered and made.

I'm not trying to be negative right now - I'm just trying to explain some of the thought processes you go through when you're suddenly surprised with this kind of news. I think a lot of people have the same response that I did before we discovered we were having twins (i.e., before I had to deal with this myself!), which is to just react, "Oh twins! Cool!" You don't realize all of the issues that the prospective parents instantly have to wrestle with - the fears, the practical issues, the change in finances.

When you're expecting twins, you're suddenly, inescapably aware that everything doubles. Double trouble. Double tantrums in the grocery store. Double dirty diapers. Double fears and worries.

But then you realize...everything doubles. Double blessings. Double hugs. Double joy. Double love. We are so very lucky.