Thursday, September 24, 2009

My miscarriage

Two months ago today, I had a miscarriage. A "missed miscarriage" actually. Our baby stopped growing at five weeks and I miscarried at ten weeks. I never realized before how devastating this experience was to a woman, to her partner and to their relationship.

At our nine week ultrasound, Mr. Pharmasaur and I were looking forward to seeing our baby for the first time. Instead, I was alone in a small, cramped examining room with an ultrasound tech who wouldn't say anything. Just that she needed to schedule another ultrasound in two weeks. I told Mr. Pharmasaur on the way to the car what had happened. How could we possibly wait two weeks to find out?

We went back to the clinic and asked to see my family doctor. After a short wait, she told us that the ultrasound technician hadn't seen a heartbeat and it was just a waiting game now. She gave me a requisition for a HCG test which we got done right away. What a horrible weekend that was. The waiting was agonizing. Not knowing if I was carrying a live fetus or not was so heartbreaking and stressful. I think we started our grieving that weekend.

The next week of waiting was no easier for us. I saw my family doctor again, plus had a Midwifery information session and two appointments with the Ob-Gyn. I had two more HCG levels done. On the Wednesday, I knew that the levels were falling and that this pregnancy would not continue for much longer. At that point I was waiting to miscarry.

In the space of one week, I had a total of five ultrasounds. Three were abdominal and two were vaginal. I felt so violated and devastated.

The only place where I received some support was at the Midwifery Clinic. Even though it was the first time I had seen them, they gave me their on call numbers. They told me to call anytime if I had any questions or concerns. They encouraged me to call if I was miscarrying and needed to talk with someone.

I started to miscarry on the Thursday night and it was completed in the Ob-Gyn's office the next morning. Our baby was gone. I was in shock. I still remember driving to the Indigo bookstore afterward, looking for some information or comfort in books about miscarriage. I was numb with disbelief.

Mr. Pharmasaur and I handled the grief differently. He wanted to get busy and not think about it too much. I wanted to commemorate our baby's short life, grieve and cry. We did hold a memorial service, just the two of us, about a week after the miscarriage. I think Mr. Pharmasaur was reluctant to do this at first. I hope it helped with his healing process as I know it helped me with mine.

We were just on a European vacation for two weeks and I brought along some books to read. In one of the books, a character has an ultrasound and sees an image of her baby on the screen. This triggered tears and grief for me again. It also triggers anger - why did this happen to us? We thought we were so lucky to be able to conceive so quickly. Then it turned out we were not lucky at all.

Goodbye again, our sweet angel. You will not be forgotten.


  1. Your story makes my heart break. I wish nobody had to experience a loss like this.

  2. *hugs* Loss is never easy... I only wish fewer women have to feel the pain of it...

  3. (((hugs))) Your post brought tears to my eyes. I wish none of us had to experience this kind of loss.