Saturday, October 31, 2009

Updates and Halloween!

Happy Halloween to all those who celebrate. Growing up this was my second favorite holiday. My mom used to make all my costumes and my dad would map out the best neighborhoods to hit. Then as I got older it became about smashing pumpkins (after trick or treating was well over) and maybe some T.P.ing (sp?). Then, it became about the parties and seeing who can dress the sluttiest and its is not so hard with all those costumes they make now. I have already been to one costume party and I have another tonight.

Source

This Halloween may be the best yet because we have our own house which hopefully means kids in costumes. There is nothing cuter than a kid dressed up for Halloween especially the real young ones. I cannot wait to have a kid to dress up I will have such a hard time picking just one costume. Today I made a run to the store to stock up on candy and the good candy too. I got twix, baby ruths, reeses peanut butter cups, butter fingers, kit kats, 1000 grand bars, 3 musketeers, and a few more. I should give all the stuff I love out first but I am doing the opposite. I am keeping what I like to eat. If I don't get rid of all of it I will bring some to work (I work with almost all women) it will be gone with in the week. I also bought a whistling kettle for my tea which I love drinking I just used it for the first time and that whistle made me feel all warm inside. Ahh the simple things in life.

*Update* I am still on my second cycle today marks day 74 and I believe my period is right around the corner I am thinking it will come tomorrow because I have to work 15 hours straight and its hard for me to run to the bathroom and check to see if I am bleeding or not. Good Times. Also, the 90 ovulation tests and 10 pregnancy tests came in the other day. I already used one pregnancy test and it was negative. I bought them off ebay thanks to the advice from someone left on this blog. I am also going to look into my insurance and see if any fertility specialist are covered near me. I want to talk to them about my long cycles. My Dr. isn't calling me back and I don't think she has any experience in that area. Nov 3 will mark 6 months off birth control. That's all have a very Happy safe Halloween!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Luckysaur- Week 19

It's been a crazy couple of weeks to say the least. I swear my life has been a roller coaster ride since the beginning of 2008. I'm not the type of person that enjoys that type of lifestyle at all. I much prefer a little consistency in my life and I'm hoping that I find it sometime soon.

The low of the past few weeks was finding out that my position at work has been cut and that I will be out of a job as of Friday. Mr. Luckysaur and I make a decent living, but we can't make it on just one salary for long. Financial instability, health insurance needs, along with just feeling plain rejected, make me very nervous about my current situation, but I truely believe that things happen for a reason. Luckily, I had already started my job search a few weeks before this happened. I'm still waiting to hear back from that position about coming in for a second interview. In the meantime, I found another clinical research position, similar to the one that I previously applied for, and submitted my resume for that one as well. As of this afternoon, I have two days worth of interviews completed for the second and newest research position. I'm now playing the waiting game for a call back on this one as well. I don't want to jinx myself, but I have a really good feeling that the job may be mine.

The highest of highs the past two weeks was definitely having our big ultrasound and finding out that we are having a girl. I can hardly put into words how amazing it was to be able to see all her little body parts and to find out that she is healthy and developing right on schedule. This was our third ultrasound and most likely our last until she arrives unless something unforeseen happens that would warrant another ultrasound. As much as I'd love to see her again, I'm hoping that we don't have anymore ultrasounds. Here are some pictures of our little 8 oz beauty, Sophia Avery...


We were told Sophie is sucking her fingers in this picture...how cute!

Here are the three lines of her girlie parts that prove she is indeed female.

I feel like my belly is growing on a daily basis now. It's definitely getting bigger and harder to the touch. I've also felt what I think to be the beginnings of kicks. I have finally gotten to the point where this pregnancy feels real and it's very exciting.

Here's Sophie's and my week 19 picture...


Frustrated

AF was due to arrive Oct 24th - Oct 25th. She usually fluctuates a day.

So, overly eager to test, waiting two weeks has been so stinking hard, I tested after work.

BIG. FAT. NEGATIVE.

Granted, I hadn't planned to test until Halloween, and it could be because I tested in the afternoon and I drink tons of water all day long...

But I am frustrated.

Not with the fact it was negative, I didn't expect to get a BFP the first month we tried, but with the fact AF hasn't come yet.

Nor have I had ANY regular symptoms of her arrival.

No sore breasts, no mood swings, no cravings... but I have had very low backpain (almost like a pain in the butt), TONS of EWCM, sporadic light cramps for the past week and a half, and acne, which I haven't had in ages!

I haven't had anything going on that should alter her arrival (that I know of!)... grrrr!

WHAT IS GOING ON??!?!?

I haven't done a test with the FMU yet, because Mr. Joggersaur and I are on different schedules, and I would hate to wake him up with good news to have to dart out the door, because I know him, and he'll want to enjoy the moment for awhile, and then call his parents. I am off work Friday morning, and will test again if she hasn't shown up.

Advice? Thoughts? Suggestions?

The Hiccups!

I had heard from several women that aside from feeling the baby kick, you can feel when they have the hiccups too! I had never heard of this until actually getting pregnant, so this was news to me. After I started feeling the baby kick, I started to wonder if I would be able to recognize the hiccups.

I asked another mom how you discern the difference between kicking and hiccups and she said that they are more regular and rhythmic than kicks, and that I would "just know." I really hate it when people say things like that "You'll just know." Because really - what if I don't?!

Well, I hate to admit it but at 24 weeks and 3 days, I felt the baby with the hiccups for the first time and I did - I just knew :) It was the strangest sensation because it was much more subtle and less noticeable than kicks but it was definitely in regular intervals, just a few seconds apart. I wonder what the baby thinks when she is in there, with the hiccups... does it bother her? Does it annoy her? Or confuse her? I guess we'll never know... but feeling baby's hiccups inside your belly is definitely a very strange/cool part of being pregnant!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Bad blogger

I have been such a bad blogger! I apologize. Life has been a little hectic lately, and I can't believe I'm so close to the end of the second trimester. I'm 24w5d today, so about 2 weeks from entering the third tri. Time to start nesting!

I've had a rough few weeks and I'm ready for a break. It started about a week before our "babymoon". The friends we were supposed to go to London with found out they couldn't go because of work scheduling issues. Two days before we left, I got a flat tire after running over a HUGE screw. I fried my flat iron in London because my converter wasn't working. (Bad hair makes for a very unhappy pregnant chick!) When we got back, we found out DH's car had been towed from his dad's condo and it cost $650 to get it back because it had been there for over a week. That same night, I went to pick the dog up from boarding and when I got back to my car it wouldn't start - my battery was dead! The next day I came down with a sinus infection, which is just now going away after almost 2 weeks. I had a bit of a scare about a week ago where I was having menstrual-type cramps. I ended up going to L&D to get checked and everything was fine - no contractions, probably just GI upset. And finally, I got my first ever speeding ticket a few nights ago. I once heard that pregnant women are supposed to be good luck. Not so much!

But enough of that. Let's discuss my L&D experience for a second. I was at work when my tummy started to feel upset. At first, I figured it was just something I ate, but then the menstrual-type cramps started. It was a dull, achy kind of pain. I started to do some research online and everything I read pointed to getting checked out.

Here's what I found on the March of Dimes website regarding preterm labor:


Warning Signs
Here are the warning signs:


  • Contractions (your abdomen tightens like a fist) every 10 minutes or more often
  • Change in vaginal discharge (leaking fluid or bleeding from your vagina)
  • Pelvic pressure—the feeling that your baby is pushing down
  • Low, dull backache
  • Cramps that feel like your period
  • Abdominal cramps with or without diarrhea
What Should I Do If I Think I'm Having Preterm Labor?
Call your health care provider (nurse, doctor or midwife) or go to the hospital right away if you think you're having preterm labor, or if you have any of the warning signs. Call even if you have only one sign.
Your health care provider may tell you to:
  • Come into the office or go to the hospital for a checkup.
  • Stop what you're doing. Rest on your left side for one hour.
  • Drink 2-3 glasses of water or juice (not coffee or soda).
If the symptoms get worse or do not go away after one hour, call your provider again or go to the hospital. If the symptoms get better, relax for the rest of the day.

After work, I went home and showered, then I laid down for a little while. The cramps didn't let up. Since it was Saturday and my doctor's office was closed, I decided it was better to be safe than sorry and I went to the hospital to make sure everything was okay. I felt a little unsure about going, but I'm glad I did. They put me on a monitor to check the baby's heart rate (which was fine), and another to check for contractions. I was there for a couple hours and was relieved to find out that I wasn't contracting. The nurses and my doctor (who happened to be on call that day) assured me that I did the right thing by coming in. So if any of you experience any symptoms, don't be afraid to go to the hospital (or your doctor's office if they're open), to make sure that you're not in preterm labor.

Twenty-Six Weeks



Today I am twenty-six weeks pregnant and by the end of the week, will be entering the third trimester! I cannot believe it. Ninety-eight days until my little girl's EDD. Of course, first babies can arrive up to two weeks past their EDD, but I am definitely entering the last phase of this pregnancy.


Our baby girl at 25w6d - measuring about 2.5 lbs.

So far, so good. I had an appointment yesterday and we got to see Libby again. She's getting big and according to my OB's measurements, she is about 2.5 lbs. I have gotten bigger too and am now up 3 lbs. from my pre-pregnancy weight. Not too bad for being nearly two-thirds of the way there. Because I am considered obese, I set a goal with my doctor of not gaining more than 15-20 lbs. So I am feeling good about where I am. Some of my pre-pregnancy clothes still fit (especially the tops) and I feel confident that once the baby arrives I may actually be smaller than when I got pregnant. We shall see. Best of all, my blood pressure has been great and I have had no issues up to this point. Beginning with my next appointment, on November 9th, I start seeing my OB every two weeks instead of every four as it as been since my BFP. I am also scheduled for my 1-hour glucose screening next time. I pray all is well with that!

I am officially done with all scheduled travel in 2009 and don't have any travel obligations for work until July 2010. Whew! I am glad. This last trip was uncomfortable. Long days, sore feet and back and a stuffy nose that came and went and came back again. I flew home stuffed up and that led to a blocked Eustachian tube that hurt so badly! It finally unplugged almost 12 hours after I arrived home with assistance from Sudafed (recommended by my doctor), a hot shower and ten minutes with a neti pot! The pressure was quite unbearable and as much as I hated to have to take medicine, it was the only relief. I am still stuffed up and am thinking it's seasonal allergies. I have, in the past, been allergic to the leaves that fall from trees and decompose this time of year. At my appointment yesterday I was offered the H1N1 vaccine and declined it until next time since I am not 100% sure whether or not I am fighting seasonal allergies or a head cold. That said, I was on the fence about the H1N1 vaccine, but my OB recommends that I get it especially since in the past 2 weeks children in my city have died from the virus. This way not only am I protected, but my baby will be too, once she is born.
What else? The baby is very active now and I can see her movements on the outside now. It's a trip! Now that I have no more travel planned I can get to some projects like making her a bird mobile and finishing up our nursery. We have our maternity/holiday family photo shoot in two weeks and I found some jeans and cute top to wear to show off my bump. The jeans are the LONG length ones by Duo available from JCPenny.com and I love them! I got two pairs...duo™ Adjustable Tab Jean and duo™ Classic Panel Bootcut Jean. They fit me WAY better than the pair I got from Old Navy and I am in love! Even better, they were on sale for nearly 40% off plus I used a Friends and Family coupon code to get an additional 20% so for about $50 I got both pairs! Yay! It's the little things, like well-fitted jeans, that can make a pregnant gal's day! I got a couple of tops that are fitted to complete the look for the photo shoot. When I first got pregnant I wasn't sure I'd want to wear fitted tops, but now that I have a bump, it's actually more flattering to wear a fitted top rather than a flowing one that just makes me look big all over. Who knew?

So...in my last week of the second trimester here's what's going on in there:


The network of nerves in your baby's ears is better developed and more sensitive than before. He may now be able to hear both your voice and your partner's as you chat with each other. He's inhaling and exhaling small amounts of amniotic fluid, which is essential for the development of his lungs. These so-called breathing movements are also good practice for when he's born and takes that first gulp of air. And he's continuing to put on baby fat. He now weighs about a pound and two-thirds and measures 14 inches (an English hothouse cucumber) from head to heel. If you're having a boy, his testicles are beginning to descend into his scrotum — a trip that will take two to three days.



image source

Baby Citysaur...


That's right - snips, snails and puppy dog tails - that's what our little boy is made of!

The ultrasound yesterday (possibly our only of the pregnancy) was everything I hoped for. The u/s tech was wonderful and so very sweet. She explained everything as she scanned all the organs. They had a huge screen hanging up so we could all see the action (me, Mr. Citysaur, Nana [my mom], and my best friend). I can't even describe the feeling I had when our baby's image popped up on the screen. Everything looked great according to the u/s tech, and heartrate is a healthy 156, which was confirmed by the midwife at my appointment at the Birth Center right after the u/s.

The moment she told us it was a he was wonderful. Mr. Citysaur had inadvertently referred to our baby as a "he" early on during the u/s, and when it came time to check out the parts (thank you for not being shy, little boy!), the tech said "Well, dad, it looks like you were right!" I think I'll remember that moment the rest of my life.

I'm going to leave with a poem. And I'm going to wish Nana a Happy Birthday - today is her birthday!

A Boy's World
By Rea Williams

The world was made for little boys
With infinite wonders and myriad joys
As he explores the source of brooks
Or recorded lore in interesting books.

As he trails fierce bears imaginary
Or listens quietly for the wild canary,
There are trees to climb - birds to hear,
Animals to greet with love - not fear.

He tramps the woods, fields and streams
Dreaming those wondrous boyhood dreams,
Of conquering worlds - as yet unknown
In that far off day when he is grown,
To manhood stature with noble goal
Imbued with nature's gentle soul.

In the cool of evening or midday sun
Knowing that all of life is one -
Knowing with all its strife and noise
The world was made for little boys.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Made a Decision

I have made a decision. Let me explain. I know most of you are up to date on my status. I have HPV and have been through a procedure earlier in the year to help rid my cervix of the stage 2 (CIN II) cervical dysplasia. My gyn. told me that if I wanted to carry my own child(ren) then I should consider doing it soon. When I asked what she were to do if I were older and had children or never wanted children then she would take out my cervix. So my husband and I decided we would start TTC.

Lately, I have been wondering if having a child now is really what I wanted. It has been 7 months since my surgery and I think I have gotten away from how detrimental HPV has been on my body. I have been wavering in my decision of having a child now or trying to wait to see what happens because I want to go back to school. People keep telling me that giving birth isn't the only way to have a child. I can adopt or I can find a surrogate. I know this and if it came down to me not being able to carry a child then I might lean towards adoption.

Today, I was talking with my girlfriend about different options. Anyway, we were talking about kids and life and it got me thinking. Yes, if my body were not in trouble then I wouldn't be thinking about kids and I would still be on birth control and none of this would be an issue. But that is not how it is and it is an issue, a really important one. So I came home to do some more research on stage 2 (CIN II) cervical dysplasia. I learned that it is a little more serious than I have been thinking it is. I am already in a really small pool of women who are actually affected by HPV and according to http://www.lef.org/protocols/female_reproductive/cervical_dysplasia_01.htm#

  • Only 1 percent of women with CIN I who experience progression will progress to severe dysplasia or worse (Holowaty P et al 1999). (I am on my way to severe)
  • An overall progression rate among patients with CIN II, 16 percent will advance to severe dysplasia within two years and 25 percent within five years.
  • of severe dysplasia (CIN III) to cervical cancer has been observed in 12 percent to 32 percent of patients (Arends MJ et al 1998; McIndoe WA et al 1984).
This means I could be a part of those people in bullet two but there is really no way to tell and that is something that I have to learn to do deal with. And then on the same site I read this
While it may take years for cervical dysplasia to progress to cancer, the cancer can quickly spread throughout the body once established. If left untreated, cervical cancer has a relatively high mortality rate, although the survival rate for properly treated early-stage cervical dysplasia and cervical cancer is high.
I have read the same on other credible sites and it scared the crap out of me. After learning how serious this is I have decided I really want to be the one to carry my own child and I know that school will always be there while my cervix may not be. So after a very long post my final decision is I'm in. I am going to call my gyn tomorrow and talk about my long cycles and see what can be done. I am also going to order a crap load of ovulation kits but I am not going to temp because I hated setting the alarm and worrying about what kind of sleep I got and it just gave me more anxiety.
As a side note I talked to Josh about wanting a child because his best friend is expecting and he said no but it might fuel his fire more after their child is born. He is just really exciting about starting our own family. I am also going to continue to get ready for the GRE and apply for graduate school next fall. It will be a nice bonus as a distraction for all the waiting that comes along with TTC.
Thank you for reading.

Migraines and Pregnancy....

Day 5 of this ferocious migraine. I am not impressed. I am finding it difficult to get the through the days already with the tiredness etc, and now this migraine is making it even harder! I am allergic to Tylenol which the doctor has informed is the only thing I could take while pregnant, so I am left with drinking water to make sure I'm hydrated enough. It is not enough. In the theme of the season, I feel like my head is a pumpkin and someone is scraping out the insides while the front of my head is carved in a grimace of pain. It is getting to be a little too much for me to handle. I'm tempted to take time off work until it goes away, but I already have a concert (wish me luck with that!) lined up for Wednesday night in another city that will make me have to take two days off work. So can I grit my teeth through one more day of work, and then the concert? Well I think I am going to have to because I'm not sure I have much of a choice.

Life has gotten kind of overwhelming lately with all the things I have to do, and don't have the energy for! I keep thinking that I will be able to pick up where I left off when I feel better, but I am on week fifteen and I'm not feeling any better! When do I suck it up and plug through my homework and other responsibilities?? I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a mild panic attack about how my homework is never going to get done, and a filing job my boss asked me to do after hours. I'm going to get kicked out the of the course pretty quick if I don't get something worked out soon! I was doing so well before I got pregnant and I was organized and efficient, and now I'm a space cadet and thoroughly inefficient.

I don't even have the energy to want to go to this concert that I have had planned for months! I would rather stay home and sleep, but I am thankful that at least I can take two days off work. I do think it's kind of neat that the baby will get introduced to music that I love even before it's born :) I wonder if that will influence them at all at this point in their young lives?

I am also wondering how everyone feels about the H1N1 vaccine? I do not want to get it, but I'm curious how everyone else is making their decisions about it? I know pregnant women are supposed to get it first, but I am so nervous about introducing something that is so new and barely tested to my body and the baby.

Also, can an experienced blogger let me know how to make comments on another's post? It won't let me do them for some reason.

I hope everyone is healthy and happy, and I apologize for such a bummer of a post, but it certainly feels good to get it out.

PS. Congratulations to the new Puppy Adoptions this week!

Giveaway - two sets of Therafirm Preggers goodies!



I think it's time for another giveaway...don't you?!

The Prizes
Two (yes, two!) lucky winners will each receive a pair of pantyhose and pair of trouser socks from Therafirm's new Preggers line:


The Goodies
Here's what Therafirm has to say about their products:
Preggers is a new maternity compression product line. Compression during maternity helps to energize tired and achy legs and help reduce and prevent swelling. With our customer's help, we are trying to build a brand that meets all their needs. Individuals will be able to help chose our logo, packaging, colors, and styles. Our line will consist of pantyhose, tights, footless tights, a belly band, post partum compression garments and anything else our customers strongly want. We love the idea of our line being shaped by future moms for future moms.


And here's what our awesome Chocosaur had to add after reviewing them:
When I first started complaining of swelling during my pregnancy, I had a few friends suggest that I try some compression hose.  My swelling was still pretty mild, and it was the middle of the summer here so I wasn't too keen on trying them.  Fast forward to the third trimester when the swelling really started to hit me... I was asked to try out the products made by Therafirm, so I thought "Hey, why not? I've got nothing to lose."

Honestly, I was really skeptical as to whether or not some socks or pantyhose could really make any kind of difference with my swelling.  How could a piece of hosiery really reduce the swelling?  Well, the answer actually lies in something called gradient compression.  This type of technology applies greater pressure at the bottom near your ankles and gradually decreases as it moves up.  This increases blood flow in your legs, thereby decreasing the edema or swelling.

I put the trouser socks on as I was getting for work one morning.  By the time I was ready to walk out the door (about 30 minutes), I went to slip my shoes on and I was shocked to see that my shoes weren't so tight anymore! They actually fit more or less the same as they did before I was pregnant! I was astounded at what a difference there was in such a short period of time.

So, if you're on the fence about trying compression hosiery, I'd suggest you give it a try... your feet will thank you! 

The Ways to Enter
There are three different ways to enter - take your pick!
  1. Become a follower of Pregosaur, and post a comment
  2. Blog or twitter about this contest, and post a link along with a comment
  3. Vote for Pregosaur on Top Baby Blogs by clicking this button: Vote For Us @ TopBabyBlogs.Com - A Top Baby Blog List By topbabyblogs.com and then leave a comment

The Rules
  • for this particular contest, the winner must have a mailing address in the USA
  • only one entry per person, please
  • the contest will end Sunday, November 8 at midnight (Pacific Time)
  • the winners will be randomly selected and announced in a new post the next day - so make sure you check back in!
THE GIVEAWAY IS OVER! THANKS EVERYONE FOR ENTERING!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Tomorrow's the big day!

I am so excited for our big ultrasound tomorrow, I can hardly stand it!

I took the whole day off work - I know I didn't really need to, but I just felt like it, and I had plenty of vacation time, so I did it! I'm glad to have another day to sleep in, and time to clean the loft before my mom and best friend show up.

Yesterday was my birthday, and what a wonderful birthday it was! It began with a scavenger hunt around downtown. Our team of four competed against nine other teams. We didn't win, but we had a great time!

After resting and getting ready, Mr. Citysaur and I headed out for my birthday dinner with a bunch of friends. Dinner was delicious, and a lot of fun. I adored having that many of my friends together in one place. After dinner, we headed down the street to catch an improv comedy show. Again, a great time was had by all - and I even got to go onstage and help out during the show! I was part of a skit where the actors couldn't move unless I moved them - and by the end of the routine, there were four people on stage, each waiting for me to move them! It was rather exhausting, but so much fun!


Here I am, cracking up while trying to move Jason, one of the actors.
After the show, Mr. Citysaur and I went to talk to Jason, and when he found out I was pregnant, he started apologizing. My silly husband told him it was no big deal, as long as they didn't punch me in the stomach!

Overall, a really wonderful birthday - and now I'm officially 29 years old. I can't wait for our ultrasound tomorrow. My mom and best friend are coming along with us, and we're all really excited about it!

Cycle #2 - Last update this cycle?

It has been a difficult week for me. My PMS has been pretty extreme. I've been experiencing some wild mood swings; irritability, anger and tearfulness. The physical symptoms have been frustrating - bloating, cramping, backache and swollen, tender breasts. This two week wait is seeming longer and longer each month. I was feeling really down on Wednesday so I decided to try to focus on the positive. I vowed to let go of thinking about my impending AF and to do my best to enjoy the rest of the day. I wouldn't obsess over each PMS symptom and hope it really meant that a BFP was coming my way. The evening started to get better and I started to feel more optimistic.

Then we watched a show which had pregnancy and miscarriage as major themes in the episode. That led to a bit of a meltdown for me. I went to bed feeling a bit better after getting the emotions out.

image source


I got a voice mail message on Thursday during my lunch hour that started the waterworks again. The Midwives Clinic was calling to see if my partner and I were coming in to the home birthing session next Wednesday. That really hurt. I had left a voice mail message for the clinic telling them about my miscarriage but I hadn't thought of cancelling that reservation. I reached out and called my Mom for support. It really does help to talk about it. I felt like fate was conspiring against my new resolve to stay positive and let go of the results of our TTC this cycle.

This Saturday was the three month mark since the miscarriage. I thought about it and tried not to dwell on the past too much. I fought jealousy as I saw other women getting BFPs on another web board. It was really time for me to let go.

I bought some place mats this weekend for my kitchen table. They have important messages for me.



Tomorrow is CD25 - the day AF is due. I will try to keep the faith, experience the joy in my life, hold onto hope, strive for patience, reach out for serenity and believe that anything is possible. Who knew a place mat could be so helpful?


Can I Be Like Lilysaur?

Yes, yes I can!

A few weeks ago Mr. Rock and I had a one crazy afternoon that started when he accidentally slammed the bedroom door on my finger. The damage was pretty bad. There was a cut down to the bone that needed six stitched and the bone was broken in two places.

But like Lilysaur I'd spent my entire childhood and adulthood wanting a dog but never being able to have one for various reasons. So after I regained conscientiousness from passing out due to the pain Mr. Rock asked me what he could do to make it better. I have no idea why my brain went here (the shock, maybe?) I told him he could let me get a dog. His response was "Okay".

Turns out Mr. Rock was going to let me get a dog for Christmas! He knew was becoming frustrated about not being able to have a child yet and sad about our current separation, so he said OK to the dog thing.

I at first thought of going up the center I work at and finding a dog, but then I heard on the news that the SPCA shelter near my house was having free adoptions that day! As much as I love where I work, I also know it's a very well-known, well publicized adoption center and the dogs are rarely there for longer than a couple of weeks. Plus their adoptions fees are $150+. I figured free adoption means I can spend that money on buying him stuff to spoil him with! So off to the shelter we went, bloody broken finger and all!

So meet Linus!






He was PERFECT! Sweet, cuddly, non-shedding (I have mild allergies), a good size for our condo, and MINE!

And can you believe he's doing the trick? I'm no longer counting down the days until my doctor approves TTC again. I'm really enjoying having him to keep my company when Mr. Rock is away. And I think he'll be great when the baby comes. He's already spent a lot of time with the 1 year old son of a friend and he loves him! He lets that kid sit against him, hug him, roll around on the floor with him, etc. and seems more than happy to do it.

I'm still waiting for that magic day in March or April when my doctor gives us the thumbs up to start trying again. But I'm no longer anxious for it. Amazing how life works out sometimes.

And he's helping me not feel so bad that I now have a mangled finger with a giant scar going across it and feeling that will never return due to nerve damage. Yes, it was a HORRIBLE, painful accident, but in the end I got a dog. Now every time I see the scar I'll think of Linus and be happy.

Shopping frustrations

I mentioned in my last post that I was going to go shopping for a few things this weekend, which I did. It was probably the worst shopping experience of my life.

First, the bras. It proved to be nearly impossible to find a wireless bra in my size! I don't know why, but the band/cup size I wanted was only available in a few styles, and most of those gave me severe torpedo boobs.



You could put someone's eye out with those things! I did finally find two bras that more or less fit. I say "more or less" because the bands are a bit on the snug side, but they weren't dreadfully uncomfortable and I figured that I could always buy a bra extender if the bands don't stretch enough. That said, they're stunningly unattractive and made me feel like an 85-year-old grandma. I actually cried a few tears of frustration in the changing room - blame the pregnancy hormones if you want, but I already feel so fat and unsexy that the ugly, frumpy bras just pushed me over the edge.

Next problem: a couple maternity shirts. Nothing fancy, just a few basic tops I can wear to work. Shouldn't be too hard, right? There aren't any dedicated maternity wear stores in my little town, but there are four department stores - two in my town, and two more in the next town over. One of them had no maternity section whatsoever. None. Nada. Nothing. Two of them had maternity sections that were one rack of clothes. I mean that literally: one double-sided rack at each store, about six feet long and four feet high, filled with 3/4 leggings and tank tops. Shockingly, at the last store (Target), there were two racks of clothes. Now, I have a question for whoever is the buyer for Target in Australia: what is up with the horizontal stripes on every maternity shirt you have in stock??? Look, I'm a chubby girl. And I'm pregnant. The LAST thing I want are stripes that make me look even wider than I already am, m'kay?



For the record, I think Jessica Simpson has a rockin' bod, so if she can't pull off these stripes, then *I* definitely can't.

Eventually I just bought two loose fitting regular shirts that are a size larger than what I currently wear - they're not stretchy enough to make it through the entire pregnancy, but they'll do for now. This strategy won't last forever though, because moving up a size means I'm at the top of the clothing range carried in regular Australian stores (size 18, which is about a size 14/16 in the USA). I could go to plus sizes, since we do have one plus-sized store in my town, but most of the stuff there is unflattering and tent-like (fashionable plus-size wear is still on the scarce side here, which is ironic considering that Australia actually has a higher rate of obesity per capita than the USA).

I'm just so frustrated right now! Is there anyone from Australia out there? If you don't live in a major city, can you tell me where you shop? I've looked online, but most of the maternity stores are ridiculously pricey (I don't want to pay $90 for a basic stretchy top - I'm cheap like that). I can buy from Australia's eBay, but I'm not very good at judging how something will look on me from a photo on a model, and their return policies are often less than friendly. Heeeeelllllp!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Breezing through the 2WW

I cannot belive that I am already halfway through the 2WW today! Wow, how did that happen? This is how it happened:


We got a dog! I´ve spent most of my adult life and all of my childhood wanting a dog, and now I convinced Mr. Lillysaur to adopt one. I´ve been working on him for the last two years, so this was a big thing. The little guy came home with us last Friday after we signed the adoption papers at the shelter. He´s about six months old, so truly my baby. We spend lots of time going on walks (I´ve already lost some weight!!!) and playing or just hanging out together. Between the dog and the acupuncture I feel so utterly relaxed and happy that the 2WW didn´t really hit me until I decided to look at FF, which I´ve neglected the past couple of days. I suppose I´ll return to temping eventually, like maybe Wed., but I´m in no rush for now. I have my fur baby to keep me company and distract me. I think he´ll make a great family dog when the time comes, but till then I´m enjoying him.

Goodbye For Now

"May we never let the things we can't have, or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things we do have and can have. As we value our happiness, let us not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is learning to be happy without the things we cannot or should not have." ~Richard L. Evans
My DH and I have made the decision to stop TTC and wait for a while. It has not been an easy decision to make and part of me is sad to give up. However, most of me feels like it's the right choice. My cycles are very irregular right now, so I think time will help even those out as well. Also, we have some things we feel like we need to work out in our marriage and really feel like with time we will feel more secure with ourselves and be able to provide a better environment for our future children.

My entire life I've always felt like I needed to be a step ahead of where I am. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a teenager. As a teenager, I wanted to be an adult. As a young adult, I feel like I'm ready to start a family. However, maybe with age comes wisdom, and I've realized that you can't get your past back. I do not want to have a baby and regret not having time to be young. I feel like we got married young, bought a house young, and are missing out on things that we can only do without children. Or at least, things that are much easier without children.

We both want to travel, we want to be more financially secure, and emotionally feel prepared for the major lifestyle change that a baby brings. I still have not ovulated yet this cycle, and it's been 2 weeks since we BD'd. We are not going to try anymore this cycle, although I'm still going to temp so that I can determine how long my cycles are. I think after this cycle ends, I'm going to put my FF membership on hold and just manually write down my temps.

To say that I'm not upset would be a lie, but I do feel like this is the right choice. We can't get these years back and I want to be able to tell our children about all the life experiences that we got to have. I don't want to have any regrets about rushing into starting a family.

I hope to come back to this blog when we do start trying again. I don't know how long it will be, could be months, could be a year, could be several years. I do however love reading about everyone else's experiences and can't wait to find out about everyone's baby or babies.

Thank you Pregosaur for the opportunity to share my thoughts over the past 5 months and I wish all of you the best of luck on your journey to becoming parents!

Belly Buttons 'n More

Over the next few weeks, my belly really started to grow. I could see my belly button becoming more and more shallow until week 23, where half of it started to become an outie. It's funny how some women never get an outie and others get one very early on. Some women are really bothered by the fact that they develop an outie, but I didn't really care. I only wondered if my belly button would continue to pop out until it was a full outie, or if it would just remain in this in between stage throughout my entire pregnancy.


Aside from the outie belly button, I also developed quite a visible linea negra. The linea negra is a dark line that appears on your belly during pregnancy, running up and down your belly. It is usually most prominent under your belly button, but I developed a thin linea negra all the way up my belly, with a thicker line under my belly button. Apparently the hormonal changes that come with pregnancy stimulate increased pigment production, causing this area to darken.


What bothered me more than my outie or the linea negra was the dark pigmentation that developed around my belly button, making it look bruised. I'm guessing that the hormonal changes that cause the linea negra to form may also explain the darkening around my belly button. Regardless of the cause, I've heard from a few other women who have been pregnant that the skin just sloughs off after you have the baby and it looks normal again. (Kind of gross, but good to know it returns back to normal after pregnancy.) I have had a few people tell me that the pigmentation looks to be in the shape of a heart, so at least I have a semi-cute looking "bruise" around my outie :)

There are so many changes that your body goes through with pregnancy... what change has bothered you the most? What change occurred that you never expected?

Friday, October 23, 2009

Coworkers and new shirts and big bras - oh my!

After the NT scan, my husband and I decided to come out of the closet at work. Frankly, I don't know how much longer we could have held out - Mr Bibliosaur was dying to tell the world, and my clothes are getting pretty snug; a few of my coworkers revealed that they'd suspected I was pregnant, although obviously they had no idea I was carrying twins and thought I was much farther along.


I wish I had a cute, clever story about how I told everyone, but I simply walked up to a coworker's desk (who is situated in a large open area surrounded by everyone else) and invited them to see the photoshoot I'd just been to - I whipped out the ultrasound photos and voila! The message was out instantly!


As a chubby girl, I always assumed I'd be able to hide a pregnancy until well into the second trimester, but twins have scrambled that plan - my fundal height is closer to 18 weeks than to 12 weeks (the highest twin is nice and cozy just below my belly button), my stomach is clearly rounded beyond where it used to be and my pants are uncomfortably tight. So while I originally wanted to hold out for another week until the official start of the second trimester, it was such a relief to let everyone know just this little bit sooner. And now I can stop trying to suck in my non-suckable tummy!

Speaking of my non-suckable tummy, I'm going shopping this weekend for a few new shirts and a pair of pants to cover it - most of my current shirts are getting too tight and short to cover everything, and my pants are swiftly becoming un-buttonable (I'm considering just getting one of these Belly Belt button extenders instead of buying pants - does anyone know if they work?).

I'm also going to scope out some bras, as my question about whether or not I should buy a few new ones for the rapidly expanding girls was decided for me yesterday, when the underwire in the bra I was wearing gave up the fight and snapped in two. Oops.

Someone told me that you shouldn't wear underwire bras when pregnant, as they can interfere with milk duct development...I thought they were only a problem when nursing - does anyone know if this is true, or just an old wives tale? Dr Google is useless, since I've found answers supporting both sides of the debate. I'm willing to go underwire-less if I need to, but since I find underwire bras significantly more supportive, I'd prefer to keep wearing them unless the wire is really a problem. If you know the answer, please let me know!

Baby Luckysaur is a...

Girl! All my motherly intuitions were completely wrong. Haha. The ultrasound was this morning and our little girl was very active. All her measurements are on track with where they're supposed to be and no abnormalities were found (whew!).

I'll post the ultrasound pictures as soon as I can get them scanned, but I wanted to share our good news and to introduce our little Sophia Avery to all of you.

Keeping Myself Busy

Last week, I posted a funny list of things to do during your 2WW. But now, I'm going to post what I've actually been doing during my 2WW.

  • Cleaned the entire house top to bottom.
  • Ate an entire pineapple.
  • Bought 2 new workout dvds.
  • Done one of my new workout dvds every day.
  • Took long walks.
  • Baked some fabulous pumpkin bread, one of my specialties.
  • Made a batch of sugar cookies.
  • Made and decorated my nephew's birthday cake.
  • Did my best to draw a picture of a robot for my nephew's birthday.
  • Wrapped birthday presents.
  • Bought a few small Christmas presents.
  • Searched for the best Chicken Pot Pie recipe.
  • Made Mr. Joggersaur all his favorite meals.
  • Taken my pre-natal vitamin almost every day.
  • Tried to sleep, but I can't.
  • Had a weird pain in my butt... litterally.
  • Enrolled my hubby and I in new health care benefits.
  • Created our office Christmas Party invites.
  • Started putting together a cookie exchange for our office.
  • Carved a pumpkin.
  • Created a Facebook page for Mr. Joggersaur's new business.
  • Caught up on all my favorite shows on hulu.
  • BD because we wanted to... in the middle of the day.
  • Drew house plans for our dream house... in excel.
  • Tried not to analyze every little twinge in my body.
  • Fixed my hair different ways.
  • Spent a day on a pallet watching movies with Mr. Joggersaur.
  • Painted my nails orange.
  • Made goodie bags for my nephew's birthday party.

What do you do to keep yourself busy during your 2WW??

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Is at Fourteen Weeks!

We got the results back from our first ultrasound finally! The verdict is healthy so far, but they explained that they don't actually look for very much other than measurements for the first ultrasound. It is mainly just to date the pregnancy. It was still encouraging to hear that everything looks normal so far though, and combined with my blood work they said we are the picture of health! Apparently after going through my family history and my own medical history my blood pressure is something to watch though. They had to take it three times to rule out the "white coat" syndrome.

The other extremely exciting news is that, thankfully, I am not a month ahead of where they thought I might be. This is good because I was worried that any small lifestyle mistakes could have affected the baby when I didn't know it was in there. However, I am a WEEK ahead of where I thought I was:) Soooooo... I am officially Fourteen Weeks! That seems so much more PREGNANT than before! I'm ecstatic because that means that my "honeymoon period" should be arriving any minute now and hopefully my headaches, fatigue, and loss of appetite will resolve themselves soon!

Also, during my appointment I also got to listen to the baby's heartbeat. I thought it would be a more profound experience than it was, but maybe I'm just not as emotional as I thought I would be. I thought I would tear up and it would be a BIG moment for me. I thought it was really neat, and it was just more proof that this little person is holding on real tight in there, and that's the part that means the most to me. Apparently, it's little heart is going about 160 beats a minute which is normal I'm told.

My husband and I were absolutely steadfast in our decision not to find out the gender of the baby..... until......my girlfriend said she was going to find out, and she finds out soon! Now I am on the fence! I don't really know what to do... I thought I would never change my mind, but now I am so curious and would rather be prepared than unprepared etc. It also gives family more information if they will be buying gifts or anything too.... Oh my, I am just really confused and I have to book the ultrasound soon in a different city if I want to find out the gender!

I feel much more positive about the whole experience of pregnancy now that I have more information about how the baby is doing. I really wish my headaches would go away though. My midwife said there is pretty much nothing I can do for migraines, but drink as much water as humanly possible. Which I have been doing, but I feel like I have been plagued with them since the day I found out I was pregnant! I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but the headaches are really affecting the experience for me, and I hope they go away soon. I don't know how much longer I can be a good employee and grit my teeth through these each day when I just want to be at home in the dark with ice on my head.

Good news though! I bought my first pair of maternity pants! They are a bit too big, but oh my goodness are they comfortable! After wearing my Lulu's to work three days in a row I kind of figured I was going to get a talking to about my office wear. Our office is business casual, but yoga pants are stretching it! So... even though it's still a bit early I thought it was more important to just suck it up and do it. I got a cute pair of jeans and I think they will last for a while. They even make them the right length for me, and I have trouble finding my length everywhere else!

What a relief!

Yesterday I had my First Trimester Screen; because we're having twins, we couldn't do the blood test, simply because if any abnormalities were found there would be no way to tell which baby they were from, but we still had the nuchal translucency scan done. Choosing to do the scan is a very personal decision - for us, it wasn't a matter of wanting to terminate if something was wrong, but an opportunity to research and prepare if anything unusual was discovered, as well as to check in with our twins and make sure that they were developing on schedule and at the same rate.

The nuchal fold results came back the same for both babies: 1.6mm, which is considered low risk. The odds of carrying a baby with Down Syndrome are 1 in 750 for my age group (28 years old), and with our scan results, that dropped to 1 in 3,123. For the other two screens that were done - Trisomy 18 (Edwards syndrome) and Trisomy 13 (Patau syndrome) - our odds came back as 1 in 10,100.

All of that was wonderfully reassuring, but for me the best part was this:






Aren't those the most beautiful little profiles that you've ever ever seen?!? The last time we saw them, our babies looked like little grey blobs - and now they're people! People the size of plums! People with heads and arms and legs and toes, people who squirm and wave and dance around!

Seeing them so active and rowdy completely relieved my fears of Vanishing Twin Syndrome. I know this may seem like a bizarre thing to worry about, but since it occurs in up to 30% of twin pregnancies, it really was a geunine concern. But no more! We have two gorgeous and rambunctious little babies, with good solid heartbeats of 143bpm and 158bpm, measuring in at 11 weeks, 6 days (my LMP put me at 12 weeks, 2 days - a three day difference is fine as long as they continue developing as well as they are).

This is such a relief - I finally feel like I can relax and start enjoying this pregnancy!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Twenty-Five Weeks

I am twenty-five weeks and one day pregnant today. I cannot do a full update right now because I am on a business trip and away from home until next Sunday. After I get home I'll update this post with photos, links, etc.

According to the Mayo Clinic Guide to Pregnancy, I am entering my seventh month! That means the third and final trimester...EEK! I am closer to the the end than the beginning of this pregnancy...I sure hope to be ready! We start Bradley Classes in mid-November. And we have a hospital tour and breastfeeding classes lined up too. We've also ordered our car seat and bases (we're going with the Graco32).

This is my last business trip of the year and the last one I'll take before our LO arrives. In fact, my next business travel is scheduled for July 2010. Unfortunately, it will be three cities in three weeks! I am hoping to figure out a way to travel with our LO since I plan to still be breastfeeding then. We shall see how all of that is going to play out.

For now, this week, I am in Nashville at a convention. And boy am I tired! My body aches from head to toe! I think my ligaments in my pelvis are stretching because I have this dull ache with every step I take and if I sit too long. I have been staying hydrated and stretch each morning and night to help stay loose and flexible. But I am so looking forward to being home on Sunday and not having any more travels! I love to travel, but being that I have traveled every month since we started TTC (in March 2009) including two trips overseas while pregnant, I am ready to be home and just rest and nest!

18 weeks? No way!


Every week that goes by, this pregnancy thing becomes more and more incredible to me. For years, I have dreamed about being pregnant - and it's simultaneously better than and nothing like what I thought it would be!

I am very blessed to be having a fairly easy pregnancy, so far. No spotting, no morning sickness (except that one episode around 6 or 7 weeks), no major problems thus far. I am so very grateful for this. I have plenty of other stuff going on in my life, so it's a huge relief not to be dealing with pregnancy-related issues on top of that. What I have been dealing with so far are the very normal pregnancy side effects - having trouble finding a comfortable sleeping position, getting up at least twice a night to pee, and a relatively new symptom that popped up within the last week - heartburn! Tums used to make me gag, but they're already becoming my friend.

The other big issue I've been dealing with is emotions and mood swings. I'm trying my best to keep it under control, but I know Mr. Citysaur has been putting up with a lot more than normal lately. I was in the middle of a rant a couple of days ago, and he interrupted me (kindly) and asked (sweetly) if this was my crazy hormones talking. I proceeded to tell him that yes, it was, but I just couldn't help it! I was already an emotional person before becoming pregnant - I've always worn my emotions on my sleeve - so between that, the pregnancy hormones, and the emotional baggage I've got right now - I'm kind of a mess. I'm very lucky that my wonderful husband is so understanding of this. He has been my rock during this whole process. I don't know where I'd be without him by my side.

And lastly, I'm trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the impending death of my father. He told us last Friday that he's ready to go - and though I knew he was probably feeling that way, it was still a blow to hear him say it. And it looks like he's developing pneumonia and an infection - which will likely speed up the end of his life. But I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be to face it and get on with the grieving process. I love my father dearly, but I know he doesn't want to live like this, and I respect the fact that he is ready to move on. I'm going over to my parents' house tonight to spend some time with him, and in the mean time, I keep my cell phone next to me at all times, just waiting for the inevitable phone call from my mom.

However, I just can't end a post that way...so I have to pull it back around to the positive. Five more days until our big ultrasound! And three more days until my birthday! It should be a fun day of celebrating - an official scavenger hunt sponsored by our local downtown business group in the afternoon, a late dinner with friends, followed by an improv comedy show. I'll try to remember to take pictures and post about it after. And of course there will be a follow-up post on Monday's big ultrasound!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Update and Planning for a Future

If I was right, I ovulated last Tuesday and that would put me in the middle of my two week wait. For the last week I have been feeling bloated and my boobs have been tender but I try not to analyze because this is my second cycle ovulating. This is only my second time ovulating in 7 years because of B.C. I am trying not to get my hopes up. While I have been wavering with my emotions about TTC my husband has completely jumped on the baby wagon. I know that he has always wanted children but now he is on overdrive and I think part of it is because we just found out his best friend is expecting.


Source


I do want a child I know that much, but I also want to go back to graduate school. Since it is too late for this year its going to be next fall which gives me enough time to research colleges and prepare to take the GRE again (I did terrible the first time I took it). Then I started thinking about what it would be like to have a child while getting my Masters degree. I know I don't have to make any decisions right now but I am a planner and I am questioning if we should continue TTC after the new year. If we do get pregnant before then GREAT, but if not then I should ovulate one more time this year if my body continues these long cycles. I am questioning stopping TTC after the new year so I can go back to school with out worries. Its not just the going back with a child that concerns me, it is because I want to become a TA (teachers assistant) because my end goal is to become a professor and having that experience would be so beneficial for me. I know that I am rambling does anyone have any advice for me or gone through something like this before?

Placenta Previa

The only negative thing that came out of our big u/s was finding out that I had a partial placenta previa. Placenta previa is a condition in which the placenta is sitting right over your cervix. This necessitates a c-section because vaginal delivery would cause the blood vessels in the placenta to rupture, resulting in excessive blood loss. Placenta previa is actually classified into 4 types:

Type I or low lying: The placenta encroaches the lower segment of the uterus but does not infringe on the cervical os.
Type II or marginal: The placenta touches, but does not cover, the top of the cervix.
Type III or partial: The placenta partially covers the top of the cervix
Type IV or complete: The placenta completely covers the top of the cervix



While the placenta does not MOVE at all during pregnancy, the uterus does grow quite a bit. Consequently, often times, a partial placenta previa will "resolve" itself when the uterine isthmus (the narrow part of the uterus at the junction of the body of the uterus and cervix) grows/unfolds and forms the lower segment of the uterus. 90% of all partial placenta previa cases will resolve in this way by 28 weeks gestation.

Our perinatologist told us that there was no need for us to worry about being in the 10% group, and did not put me on pelvic rest (i.e. no sex). When you have placenta previa, you are definitely on pelvic rest and sometimes bed rest as well... with partial placenta previas, I guess it just depends on the doctor. But our doctor told us that I did not need to change a thing that I was doing and that we could just come back to recheck in about 10 weeks. Even though he told us not to worry, we left the office with a little bit of trepidation, wondering if I would be forced into having a c-section instead of the vaginal birth that I preferred... only time would tell...

Monday, October 19, 2009

For Mr Bibliosaur, with love

Dear Mr Bibliosaur,

I feel like I'm always writing about myself - how I'm feeling, how I'm doing, what I'm thinking, all that stuff. Which makes sense, because I'm the one this is physically happening to, but sometimes I forget that there's someone else involved with all of this, too: you, my wonderful husband.



You been amazing during this pregnancy, and I can't begin to say how grateful I am. You're always there to give me an outlet for my fears and hopes, to take care of the house and our pets when I'm too exhausted to even think about moving from the couch, to patiently weather my constantly changing food cravings and aversions, and to encourage me when I'm feeling worried or overwhelmed with symptoms. I'm so touched by your thoughtfulness, like when you went on an interstate trip and returned with a present of some super sour handmade candy from a boutique candy store, just to help with my constant nausea. You have been so thoughtful and caring, and I honestly don't know what I'd do without your love and support.

So I just want to say - thank you, Mr Bibliosaur. I am SO lucky to have met and married you, and I wouldn't want to be doing this with anyone else in the world.

With all my love,
your Bibliosaur
(and the two little Bibliosaurs-on-the-way, too)

Cycle #2 - Update 3

Align Centerimage source

No happy faces for me. I have done 11 digital ovulation predictor tests this cycle and they all have shown empty circles. It is pretty frustrating. So the possibilities are: I ovulated earlier than CD 8 or my ovulation surge is too low for the test to detect or my surge was too short for the test to detect or I didn't ovulate at all. I know as much as I did before doing these tests! Hmmph. Today is CD 18 and AF is due next Monday on CD 25.

I still have PMS symptoms and the metallic taste on and off every day. It appears that my PMS symptoms are now lasting for 2 weeks! I really hope my hormones settle down soon. I am assuming they are still out of whack from my miscarriage.

I got my package of 20 HPTs in the mail on Friday. I'm embarrassed to admit that I've already tried them out. BFN of course! It is too early to test.

image source
I need to keep myself busy with other projects. We have some new furniture to set up and a couple of paintings to hang so I'll be focusing on that for the next week or so.

Passing it on: awesome giveaway!

Young House Love is one of my favorite design blogs, and this week they're having such a fab baby-related giveaway that I had to pass it on to Pregosaur readers!

The lucky winner will receive an eco-friendly crib (Graco's Dakota Classic)...



...and an organic cotton mattress to go along with the crib:


How cool is that!?! Click here to enter on their site.

Hey, Hey Jealousy

I admit... I've been bit by the green eyed monster.

Jealousy.

source

Last Friday, my friend S had her baby. On Sunday, we found out another couple friend of ours is expecting. And another friend is due any day now. All of which the women 'weren't trying' or 'weren't ready' or the 'timing was off' when they found out their news.

And here I am waiting to find out if we will get a BFP, or be visited by AF.

Trying not to be jealous of their little miracles... or secretly hate my friends for getting pregnant before me.

Here we are with open minds and hearts waiting for our little miracle.

We don't care if the timing is right, or how ready we are.

My head wants to believe that it will happen when the time is right, but my heart is yearning to be a mommy... to make my husband a daddy.

Please tell me I'm not alone in this!!!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Frustrations

Still here, still waiting. I'm 23 weeks and 1 day (woooo!) and it's officially 3 weeks since my water broke.

We are fighting hard. The neonatologist told us the absolute earliest they would intervene and try to save our baby is if (a) they are 23.5 weeks or more when born, and (b) they weigh 500g or more.

So we're almost there with the 23.5 week threshold (although I'd REALLY prefer for this baby not to be born before 28 weeks, but definitely NOT in October!!).

Sadly, I have no idea how much this baby weighs, so that's a bit of a wild card. Even though the "weekly development" calendar at BabyCenter says this baby weighs over a pound (which is GOOD), I know it really can vary so much at this stage. So, I'm just trying to eat lots of fruit and sweet things along with my healthy food, because I know that babies of diabetic tend to be a little bigger because of the increased blood sugars. Nobody coached me on this, it is just something I came up with on my own. I just hope I don't make myself diabetic from doing this...

Despite fighting hard and trying to keep positive, it has not been easy. Over the past week, I have been in tears numerous times. Mostly because I feel like the perinatology (high-risk) clinic at our local hospital has been giving me the run around (they were!), which completely frustrated me. And a decrease of movement by the babe over the Thanksgiving long weekend really had me worried too.

Luckily, I have found a lifeline. There's a nurse practitioner ("NP") at the high-risk clinic who ended up getting in contact with me this past week and she's been AMAZING so far, even in such a short period of time. We talked for a long while, as I've been very frustrated dealing with all the different doctors and specialists. It seems like each has a differing opinion, and I'm not sure who to listen to. It seems like all I'm doing is spinning my wheels at appointments with subsequent doctors, who pooh-pooh the advice given by the previous one. And then no concrete plan of action can be made. Some are so harsh about our baby's chances at life, that they are very dismissive of any of our concerns and questions. The rage and helplessness I feel at times is unreal. The NP was able to clarify many of the discrepancies, give Mr. Legalosaur and I some really good information, and we're now much more comfortable that our concerns are being addressed.

The NP also asked me to come in on Thursday for a check-up just to assess the slow down in the baby's activity. Luckily, all seems fine, baby is just moving in a different way now than before. He/she was kicking the doppler wand, which is a good sign, and the NP even felt him/her kick from the outside. She said anytime we want to hear our baby's heartbeat or have any concern at all, just give her a call and drop by. Having this lifeline is such a relief, you have no idea - I am starting to realize more and more than my ob-gyn is complete rubbish.

Unfortunately, I did have some contractions on Wednesday night, starting around 9:30 pm and going until about 4:00 am. Just one strong one every half hour or so, enough to wake me from my sleep, and a constant low backache. It was very scary. They seem to have disappeared when I awoke on Thursday morning, which had us breathing one HUGE sigh of relief. Let's hope they stay away. We need to keep this baby baking MUCH longer!!

Finally, we have something to look forward to... I have an ultrasound and a fetal echo appointment scheduled at the perinatal (high-risk) clinic for October 28th. And we'll be having a nurse come to our house daily starting in my 24th week, to do vitals monitoring and a fetal non-stress test. So, finally, we won't just be sitting around and waiting anymore. We'll be getting some medical monitoring as well, which will help me put my mind at ease a little more.

So, we're back to playing the waiting game. I'm sorry if my thoughts in this post are jumbled, but I kindof feel like my life is all a jumble as well.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Waiting for results on a very wet day on the West Coast!

Good Morning All!

Man Alive! It is raining so hard in my little town today that I was hydroplaning all over the place to get to work. It is dark and gloomy, and I just love it! I was living in the prairies for the last two years and we barely ever got rain there, and who knew that I would end up MISSING it! I am warm and cozy in my office, no one is here yet, and I am sipping my decaf pumpkin pie chai latte without a care in the world (for a moment anyway!). I can hear the sounds of the rain on the roof all around me, and who doesn't love the sound of rain when they don't have to go out in it :)

Anyway, on to more serious topics. I hope it won't make this hard to read jumping from how I found out I was pregnant to twelve weeks later, but I can't think of anything that stands out in terms of the pregnancy since then. However, on Thursday, last week, my husband and I went for our first ultrasound, and it was even more miraculous than I imagined it to be. I think I am one of those types of people who "believes it when they see it." Up to that point I was trying to be rational telling myself that if I had a miscarriage or something awful happened I wouldn't know what I was missing. When I saw that little, tiny, fully formed, baby on that monitor it was game over. Although I can't stop myself wondering if it's just too good to be true- in an instant I became head over heels in love with this little life changing miracle. I know the instant that it happened and I think it will truly be something I can never forget. I didn't have a clue that when poked (with the ultrasound device) it would react! It was almost like it was saying "Hey, now that you know I'm here can you quit poking me already!"

The reason I got the ultrasound at eleven weeks was because, according to my midwife, it is possible that I'm a month farther along than I think I am. I had "the scare", as I refer to it, in June and a very short, light period in July, and I'm assuming the midwife thinks that it could have been implantation bleeding rather than my period. I am slightly worried to think that I could have had this little being in me for a month longer than I knew about because I wasn't trying to get pregnant and I know that I had at least a couple of drinks during that month. I always thought that when we determined that we were going to start trying to have a baby I would start acting like I already WAS pregnant to avoid the feeling of what could I have done better. Since I found out about the baby I have been a model of health, or tried to be, but the MS has made it difficult to eat as many vegetables as I'm accustomed to.

Anyway.... right now I'm waiting for the results of the ultrasound and it's already been a week! I thought it would have been a bit quicker than this, but it was Thanksgiving in Canada so that might have slowed things down. I know it won't change anything the sooner I know the results, but I just don't like the feeling of not knowing.

Well, I should start working now, so I will update soon :) Have a great day everybody!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Waiting for the 2ww to begin...as usual...

I'm on cycle day 19 and as far as I know I haven't ovulated yet. To be honest, I'm not surprised at all considering that my cycle was 44 days long last time. DH and I haven't even really BD'd much or worried about it at all. He's off for a week long business trip today, so if I ovulate sometime within the next week, then this cycle's out. If I haven't ovulated by the time he gets back, then we'll start trying again. I haven't yet tried Pre-Seed, so we'll probably use that soon.

The truth is, the longer it's taking us to get pregnant, the more unsure I'm becoming. Not that I don't want a baby, but sometimes I just feel tired of the whole process. I'm also suddenly starting to freak out about our lives changing so dramatically. I hadn't felt this way at all since we started trying in May and now suddenly I'm scared. It's really strange and I don't know what has brought it on. DH is ready and we have everything in place to save money and so on, but somehow I just keep questioning it. I guess I kind of feel like I haven't been able to get pregnant yet because maybe I'm not meant to be right now. We are both only 25 and we really do have a lot of time if we decide to wait. But then when I think about waiting, it makes me feel disappointed. I guess I had my hopes up that it would happen and since it hasn't happened, I just kind of feel like I don't care anymore.

Sorry to be so depressing, it's just that I really can't articulate how I feel right now. Maybe it's for the best that he'll be gone for a week and I can think a little more. It just seems like everywhere I go someone is pregnant or has a new baby and I can't help wishing I were in their place. Seriously, when is it going to happen for us? I know it takes many people a long time, but why did I ever take birth control to begin with if it would be so hard!

I think only time will tell...

Ovulation

I am pretty sure that I ovulated on Tuesday. I had the same ovulation pains as last time but this time on the other side of the body. Now my lower abs feel a little bloated and my chest is full and a little sore. After I felt the pains we did the BD at night but come Wed morning I didn't want to try again. I am not sure that I am 100% percent ready. I waver all the time. It is such a big life changing experience and it scares me a little bit. If it didn't happen this time I have about another 70 days before I ovulate again so hopefully I can figure out what I want. I mean if it weren't for my cervix being a little messed up I wouldn't even be thinking about kids right now.


With all that said I have become really excited for my good friend who is recently pregnant. She doesn't know that my husband and I know. She was supposed to come and celebrate my birthday last night but they canceled last minute which is no big deal but she is going out of town so I think she is planning on telling us next weekend. I can't wait to be there for her and plan a shower and be supportive for her. Now my other friend who is unexpectedly pregnant is drinking. We haven't had an opportunity to sit down and talk but I have found out she went to the doctor and confirmed her pregnancy. With that being said I have seen her drink a few times in the last two weeks but she says told our other friend she wants to keep the baby. She also came out last night to celebrate and I saw her have at least two beers. I didn't want to say anything to her because I had been drinking and I didn't want to say anything I would regret. I did call her today to find out when she can get together because I want her to know that I support her but if she is going to keep the baby she shouldn't be drinking and should get on a prenatal vitamin. As her good friend is this my place to say anything? Any suggestions on how I should go about talking to her once she is tells me the news?

Focus on the Positive

Focus on the positive. That's my new mantra. I've had too much bad news recently (all related to my father, who is dying of lung cancer) - and I decided that the only way I could go through all this and keep my sanity was to focus on the positive.

The latest bad news came about a week ago. My mom called while Mr. Citysaur was in class for the evening, and told me that my father is now officially bedridden. He had been rapidly losing strength, and he finally just didn't have it in him to get out of bed anymore. This news came as a shock to me, since I had just been over there the previous weekend, and I was able to wheel him into the living room without much difficulty. The next day, hospice ordered a hospital bed for his room, and that's where he's been ever since. I don't know why this news hit me so hard, but it did. I broke down that night and cried my eyes out. My dogs comforted me, and I got over the worst of it, but I was still a mess the next day at work.

Mr. Citysaur and I spent the day at my parents house last weekend, and though it was good to see my family, I didn't spend much time with my father, because we had other relatives in from out of town, and I wanted to give them a chance to visit. It was the first time where he really looked like a cancer patient to me. I can tell his body is starting to give out, and though he swears he wants to hang on until March to "meet our baby", as he said on Saturday, I must admit I have my doubts.

But as I said, I've been focusing on the positive. So ever since I got over the emotional shock of the latest news, I haven't been crying. I've been excited, and happy, and reveling in the fact that I'm having a great time in my second trimester.

Tomorrow, I'm taking the day off work and spending it with my mom. We're going to the Just Between Friends sale in the town where my parents live. Thank you, Divasaur, for telling me about JBF! After that, we're going home to check on my father, then out to lunch. My mom never gets to go out to eat anymore, and since I'm saving my pennies for baby Citysaur, neither do I - so we're both pretty excited about it! And if we're up for it, we're going to catch an afternoon showing of Where the Wild Things Are. This has special meaning, as my mom used to read it to me when I was a little girl. I'm excited to share the experience with her.

Oh, and as if that's not enough to look forward to...my birthday is in 9 days, and our big ultrasound is in 11 days!! Focusing on the positive sure is easier when you have so many positives to focus on!