Thursday, December 31, 2009

Cycle 4 - CD38 and counting....

My irregular periods are continuing this cycle. I am currently on CD38 and no AF yet. I did an HPT yesterday and got another BFN. I guess I didn't ovulate around CD9 or 10 like I originally thought. I have been having PMS symptoms that could have been pregnancy symptoms for about 2 weeks now. Sigh. Nothing to do but keep waiting for AF to arrive so we can get back to TTC.

I have a doctor's appointment coming up this Monday. I am going to tell her about my very irregular cycles and see if there were any unusual hormone levels from my physical in November. I also have a gynecologist appointment booked for February. Perhaps she will be able to investigate further.

I am looking forward to 2010. I am not going to miss 2009 at all. It has been a tough year.

Happy New Year to everyone! Wishing you Happiness & Health in 2010.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Riding the roller coaster

I'd been warned that morning sickness sometimes returns later in a pregnancy, usually around the third trimester. So when I started feeling oddly sick late last week, I initially attributed it to my old friend nausea rearing its ugly head again.

And then it went away.

And then it was back.

Away. Back. Away. Back. Often multiple times a day, and the weird thing was that it didn't feel like morning sickness. Don't get me wrong - I felt nauseated. But it was a different kind of nausea...kind of like motion sickness. Do you know the feeling when you're on a roller coaster and your stomach feels like it's dropping out of your body? You don't exactly feel like you're going to throw up (well, some people do, haha!), but you feel unsettled, like your insides are sloshing around. But of course, I wasn't going on any roller coasters, and most of the time when I felt it, I wasn't even in a car - just sitting peacefully on the couch or lying in bed.

Finally I realized that it wasn't me - it was the babies. I've started feeling them much more over the last week or so, and since there are two of them in there, space is already getting a little cramped. And every time they started vigorously flipping around, I began feeling queasy.

At first I thought I must be crazy. I'd never heard or read of anyone else feeling sick solely from fetal movement! But, lo and behold, a quick google search showed that other women (like these ladies) feel the same thing. The explanation I've read is that the baby is pushing up on your stomach and making it churn, which sounds logical enough. But it's still utterly bizarre to be peacefully reading a book or using my laptop and suddenly feel like I'm charging down a massive drop on a roller coaster! Has anyone else experienced this?

P.S. Good news! After eating like a mofo for the last month, with a big focus on protein and full fat dairy, I've finally managed to claw my way to the midrange of the recommended weight gain for someone with my BMI (as you may recall, I'm hardly an underweight waif, but I was struggling to put on enough pounds). I'm now pretty much exactly on target for my 22 weeks - this is a huge relief and I can finally relax a bit, knowing I'll be able to meet the all important week 28 goal!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Thirty-Five Weeks

and thirty-five days to go! Wow. And of course, I am thirty-five years old.

I am feeling ready to have this baby. I swear I have gotten bigger in just one week! I have my first internal exam today with the OB/GYN (honestly I'd like to decline it as I really don't see the point. Most midwives don't do internal exams until 40 weeks or more). I will also have my Group B Strep test. It's just my luck that I'll have it. I'll know soon enough.

Update: Just got back from the is measuring exactly 6 lbs and has flipped over to a head down anterior position. YAY! I hope she stays that way until it's time for her debut. Oh, and I am 1 centimeter dialted. I'll tell you the internal exam is not hurt. My OB said, "now's the time to try out your Bradley Method breathing." Nice. I sure hope that giving birth doesn't hurt in the same way that the internal did. She said "some pressure" and I felt "immense pinching." I mean, I know giving birth will hurt, but it seems that letting something out is far less traumatic than having something shoved in....yikes!

I have been sleeping better this last week, thank goodness. I am not sure why that is, but I am so grateful. I was having horrible hip pains (especially from sleeping on my side) and have done a little research on how to stretch so that the pain can be minimized. So a few times a day and especially before bed, I stretch my hips, hamstrings and groin muscles. It has helped a lot.

I met with my endocrinologist last week for my four week follow-up appointment since being put on insulin. She said I am doing very well and that typically, in the last month of pregnancy, the insulin dosage will need to be increased as the placenta continues to pump out hormones that override the pancreas. So I am increasing my evening dosage of insulin by two units to see if that will help my fasting numbers (which have always been the issue from the start). Also, if my after dinner numbers continue to rise (I had a few high ones last week, but I chalk it up to the holidays) then we might need to add a fast acting insulin injection before that meal. I hope to avoid that though but eating really cleanly now that Christmas has passed. I did really well, in all honesty, but I did sample some sweets at work that I probably should have just avoided all together.

Speaking of Christmas, we had a freak blizzard here (second one in history) and were literally snowed in on Christmas Eve. We had to cancel our Christmas Day plans with my in-laws. So it was just me and my hubby and our furbabies camped out at home. We watched Julie and Julia and The Hangover. My husband also finally finished assembling the crib and we got the nursery into some semblance of order.

Remember my inspiration board?

Here are some photos of our progress:

View of the nursery from the doorway.

Simply Shabby Chic (from Target) Pillow and decorate the crib.
When the baby sleeps in there we'll take the pillow out though.

I still need to add more accessories to this shelf. The dress in the middle and two to the right of it were mine when I was a baby. The other two were awesome consignment sale finds!

This lamp was in my room when I was a toddler. I made a new lampshade for it to coordinate with the colors in the nursery. The lamp was a vintage shop find by my mom when I was just 2 years old, so it's got to be at least 45-50 years old by now.

These are shelves from IKEA that we've had for at least 10 years! The baskets had red and yellow striped liners so I made new ones to match the lamp shade. The Care Bears are new except for the dark blue one which was mine when I was a child...vintage! You can tell he's different because he has real hair and the others don't.

Swivel/Rocker/Recliner we scored for $50 on Craigslist. The day bed is 25 years old and real enameled iron with brass finials, also found on Craigslist. We still need to get a proper quilt for it (I like this one from Target's Simply Shabby Chic line) and add the pop up trundle and a dust ruffle.

Bigger view of the room. Not pictured...Mr. Divasaur's "study" corner which is to the right of the daybed.

Diaper stash and supplies and a second-hand Lionsheart Wipes Warmer I got for $6.

Our multi-functional crib with lots of storage.
Still awaiting the arrival of the properly sized changing pad for the top of the drawers.
Best of all it will convert to a single youth bed with a nightstand when the baby is ready to transition out of the crib.

I still need to add the wall decals (tree, birds and woodland animals) as well as hang the bird mobile.
So it's still a work in progress...

Wall letters that I made with supplies from the local craft store.
I decoupaged scrapbook paper onto the balsa wood letters and then attached them to twine
with mini clothes-line clips (hot glued in the back for extra security).
I still plan to add some bird decals to the clothesline.

Mr. Divasaur proud of the hard work he did putting our crib together by hand.

I hope to have all of the final touches done soon and that way we're totally set for Libby's arrival. Speaking of which, I have this weird feeling she's coming early. I cannot really say why though. The date of January 19th keeps popping up in my dreams, etc. We shall see. I know she's getting bigger, I can feel it.

According to BabyCenter, here's what's going on in there this week:

Your baby doesn't have much room to maneuver now that he's over 18 inches long and tips the scales at 5 1/4 pounds (pick up a honeydew melon). Because it's so snug in your womb, he isn't likely to be doing somersaults anymore, but the number of times he kicks should remain about the same. His kidneys are fully developed now, and his liver can process some waste products. Most of his basic physical development is now complete — he'll spend the next few weeks putting on weight.

Hello Third Trimester!

Tomorrow marks 28 weeks of pregnancy...7 months...and a solid entry into the ranks of the Third Trimester!

I had a check-up last Wednesday, and it went really well! At the appointment, I weighed in at 2 lbs less than my previous appointment - hooray! The midwife was really pleased with how well I've adopted the new diet, especially in light of it being the holidays!

Everything else was ship-shape - baby's measuring right where he should be, blood pressure is good, and at least for now, he's sitting solidly head-down. Let's just hope he stays that way when delivery time comes!

Before I left, I got my second helping of that lovely electric-orange drink for the Glucose Tolerance Test (GTT), aka the 1-hour test for gestational diabetes. Since we were on our way out of town, the drink went into our fridge for a few days. Yesterday morning, like a good girl, I downed the sickly-sweet tonic, waited an hour, and had my blood drawn. They're supposed to have the results back today, so I'm patiently waiting for the phone to ring.

I took the test once already, around 20 weeks. Since I'm overweight, the midwife wanted me to test early, just to be on the safe side. At that point, my results came back abnormally I'm curious to see what these results bring.

Other than that, I'm just marching right along through this pregnancy. Back aches are pretty common these days (especially after a couple of 5-hour car rides over Christmas). Insomnia seems to be my new best friend (or worst enemy), and 4 AM is when it hits. Several times over the last couple of weeks, I've woken up at 4 AM and been completely unable to go back to sleep. Guess I'm just getting a taste of what's to come! But overall, things have been pretty good, and I'm so very thankful for that!

Monday, December 28, 2009

I've Been A Bad, Bad 'saur!

I am SO sorry! I have been a horrible, horrible 'saur! I can't believe it's been two months since my last update... I should be sent to the Time Out Chair.
Honestly, I think the big reason is that I have nothing to update you on! I am still recovering from my operation and we can't BD until my March cycle at the earliest, but I think we're going to wait until my April cycle. I'm actually going away this summer... TO CAMP! Haha, I figured if I can't have a kid I may as well become one. I don't mind being PG while there, but I'd rather not be that far along when I have to head out there in May. Yes, I am driving from California to Minnesota! I'm crazy, I know!
However, just because we're not trying to have a baby doesn't mean we can't have a little fun and have some fun, fun fertility drama, right?

I am the blond with the green tank top in the back row. And if you can't tell I am about to poo myself. This was taken on the Tower of Terror at California Adventures the weekend before Thanksgiving. I was actually ovulating that day and I swear I was a HUGE emotional wreck, moreso then I usually am. :) So while standing in line waiting to get on this ride my mind just started messing with me and I got sooooo terrified! My sister-in-law (sitting to my right) and my husband (guy in the red shirt in the middle) made me go on. And I proceeded to practically have a heart attack. But it was fun... until I got off the ride and realized I was shaking so hard my teeth were vibrating and I had to go lie down!

And it just so happens that my mother-in-law gave DH and I a hotel room for the night as our Christmas gift. After my extremely stressed out day at C.A. he decided to relax me with a nice massage and foot rub and.... yeah. You know how that story ends, right? Well here's a twist... we had a CONDOM BREAK! Aaaaahh!!! I seriously didn't think condoms really broke, but it did. But here's the real kicker- DH didn't tell me right away.

Flash forward to about 5 days later we are chatting and he mentions this. I honestly didn't think much of it at the time because I forgot I'd been ovulating that weekend. But then CD11 came and went. That's when AF usually starts now-a-days. Then 12DPO came and went. 13DPO, 14DPO, and 15DPO did the same. At this point I was CD33 and suddenly realized "Ah!! I'm late!!!"

Of course I tested. Once a pee-on-a-stick maniac, always a POAS maniac! It was negative. I was both relieved and disappointed. I know having a baby at this point in my recovery would probably lead to a m/c, but there was that little hope in me that if I was pregnant maybe it would be OK! I wouldn't be able to go to camp, but that was the last thing I cared about at the time.

The next days (16DPO and CD34) AF finally came. I didn't bother going to the doctor because I figured this was the result of my operation messing with my cycles, so I don't really know what caused AF to delay her visit to me. It does give me hope that maybe my LPD has self-corrected, but only time will tell.

The only other thing that has changes is I finally admitted that I have infertility issues. Until now I just referred to them as "obstacles", but when I realized in October that we have been TTC for a year I finally started thinking of our "obstacles" as "infertility". When you make this realization it sort of changes the game a bit. Suddenly the books you read, the doctors you speak to, and the way you view conception changes. It's hard to explain, but it just makes things different. I'm hoping this realization will help us when we get to BD again in March/April, but, again, only time will tell.

I have been meaning to read some pregnancy books and write a review of them, but I've kind of been trying to get TTC off of my mind. Though I imagine that will be difficult when I spend all of next weekend babysitting my 2 month old nephew. Stay tuned... I'm sure I'll have some tales to share from that! And I promise to not be a bad 'saur ever again!!!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

The Business of Being Born

I have finally watched this documentary regarding the medicalization of birth in America. It has just reconfirmed my desire to go natural. Maybe next time I'll get to do it in a birthing center or even at home. But for now, the plan is to labor at home as long as possible with our doula, who is also an RN, and she'll be in the hospital with us as well. If you'd like to watch it for yourself, you can watch it here: The Business of Being Born

Knowledge is power.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

RE Appointment

Happy Holidays to all! I just wanted to send a quick update of my reproductive endocrinologist (RE) appointment I had today. I went in and had my consultation and I like everyone who works there. Dr F sat down with me and talked about my history and what is currently happening (my long cycles). They took blood from me to find out if I ovulated (more on that later) and I will get the results on Monday. They also will let me know if I have to pick up a prescription to make my period come so I can get more testing because my period was just brown spotting and they want to see full flow.

They want me to come in on my 3rd day of my cycle to get more blood work and then sometime on cycle day 6-10 for a saline ultrasound which involves a catheter so that sounds a little scary. Dr. F also went over my husbands sperm analysis. She explained that teratospermia means sperm are deformed which I knew. She said that 100% of the sperm were deformed but that could just be the sample they took from and it doesn't mean that we cannot conceive on our own but 70% of them are mobile so that is good. She wants Josh to bring a new sample in as well as get a blood test for HIV, hepatitis, and syphilis. She did say that she has seen samples in men that are very similar to Mr. Relaxasaur and they have conceived on their own. So right now we are keeping hope.

As to my ovulation I was due to ovulate on or around New Years but Monday I felt a few pains near my left ovary they didn't last long so I brushed them off because it was too early and I didn't see any signs pointing to ovulation. Then on Tuesday I had a crazy amount of egg white cervical mucus and more ovulation pains. Of course I was already at work and didn't get home until 2 am after the hubby was already sleeping. I did take an OPK just to know and it was positive. Awesome. We also had not had sex since Thursday because we didn't see each other this past weekend. I took another test Wednesday morning just to be sure and yep it turned positive again. I had to work that day and didn't get home until 11 that night and we baby danced because you never know and also because it had been a while. This is a good thing and a bad thing. Good because I ovulated a week to 10 days earlier so my cycle is getting shorter, but bad because we had not been intimate on my supposed fertile days. Oh well there is always February.

I will post my results when I find out if in fact I have been ovulating or not.

Again Happy Holidays to all!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Where's the magic?

I know this may not be the right season to complain (Merry Christmas, eh?), but I need to get something off my chest. For the last few weeks, I've been really struggling with a growing frustration with my body.

When I read in pregnancy books about what's happening with my body, it's like a faraway dream. I'm supposed to be happy and comfortable, chock full of fabulous second tri energy. Instead, I'm perpetually living in an exhausted haze. Rolling onto my other side in bed is becoming more and more difficult. My belly has grown to a size where my back is starting to ache, and putting on my socks is becoming a daily challenge. And speaking of my feet, they swell to the point by the end of each day where the tops of them actually make a little lip over the edge of my shoes, which is about as weird and gross looking as it sounds (my job involves a certain amount of standing/walking, and although I've minimized that as much as I can, I simply can't put them up all day - compression stockings have helped somewhat, but I'd love any other suggestions you can come up with to try to reduce the swelling).

The problem is that most ordinary pregnancy books - aside from my beloved multiples book - treat twins or supertwins as just a "little extra pregnant" and never discuss the difference in physical stress that you experience. Even though I'm only 21 weeks along, I'm experiencing what someone pregnant with a singleton doesn't feel until the third trimester; the average baby weighs 12.7oz at 21 weeks - double that for two babies, and that alone pushes you to where a singleton sits at 26 weeks, not to mention adding in the extra weight from extra amniotic fluid and blood, a larger placenta, plus the strain of a plus-sized uterus, etc. etc.

Well, at least I'm not expecting octuplets, right?

I feel so incredibly guilty even writing any of this. I've been given such a wonderful blessing - not one, but two wonderful little boys that I already love with all of my heart and soul - and I am so grateful and thrilled that we're having them. But some days, especially in the evening when I'm exhausted and my feet are like two fat sausages, and then I read about what a magical time this is supposed to be in a pregnancy...well, I feel so tired and frustrated that I want to cry. It doesn't help that it's mid-summer in Australia, so I'm battling heat as well. I honestly cannot imagine how much harder this will get over the next few months...I know that I can handle it, I know that I will handle it, that I'll find ways of coping, but it's a frightening thought sometimes to realize that I still have another four months to go.

Is there anyone else out there who wants to be experiencing the blissful magic of being pregnant and instead just feels crummy all the time? Please tell me I'm not a bad person for feeling like this, that I'm not alone!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Thirty-Four Weeks

I cannot believe I am in the final stretch! Today marks 34 weeks of pregnancy! WHOA! Where does the time go...6 week or less before I am a mommy.

I am definitely in full nest mode and have given my husband a nice, long "honey do" list now that he's on winter break from school. I am praying the crib will be fully assembled by tomorrow. To be fair it's a crib with 5 drawers and takes a lot to put together. My honey has been pacing himself so his frustration levels with instructions that only have drawings to demonstrate assembly have been kept within reasonable bounds. We also still need to install the car seat bases in each car and the car seat into our CRV.

I have started packing my hospital bag...for some reason I feel like my little one may be anxious to make her debut in mid-January, so I want to be prepared. Speaking of which, I am on strict orders from my mother that Libby cannot be born until after January 16th. Turns out that my brothers surprised her last week with round-trip tickets to visit them for the holidays in California. She won't be back until January 16th and is so worried she may miss the baby's birth. I promised her that if we checked into labor and delivery before then that we'd call her right away so she could at least try to fly back here in time. Personally, I'd like for Libby to come after that date as well as that weekend is my last big meeting before her due date and I'd really like to be there for it.

So what's new? My discomfort grows with each passing day. I am not sleeping well at all and the other night I only clocked four hours of broken sleep. And I actually fell out of the bed in the morning! Good thing my "nest" of pillows fell before I did, so I had a cushy landing on all fours. Not a pretty sight! I just cannot get comfortable at night...between the achy hips and back and stuffy nose and acid reflux, it's all too much. Basically I have to pass out for sheer exhaustion. That said, I do think the baby has dropped a bit because I feel her less under my ribs and I also feel like I can breathe a little better. The downside is that I feel her more on my bladder and that means potty breaks on the hour. Even in the middle of the night. I am now convinced that God makes us miserable in the third trimester so that we are so desperate to not be pregnant anymore we are willing to put up with sleepless nights with a newborn, poop blow-outs, colic, sore nipples, etc.

But I am also starting to feel I may miss some aspects of being pregnant. Like feeling her little jabs and kicks on the inside. And loving the fact that my nails and hair have never been stronger or ever grown faster. And in a weird way, I feel more in tune and accepting, even appreciative, of my body and what it is capable of doing. It truly is miraculous!

Tomorrow I see the OB for my 34 week appointment and also see the endocrinologist for my four week follow-up since starting insulin. I also will have another non-stress test...most likely on Christmas Eve. Which is fine by me, since I will probably have a better chance of being seen in timely way. Last week, I couldn't get in on my scheduled day, Thursday, and finally got in on Friday night. I arrived at 5:30 p.m. as they requested and got in the room at 6:45 p.m.! I was out by 8 p.m. and was told that it was really busy because of all of the year-end inductions and scheduled c-sections. So much so that I saw a woman, clearly in labor, wait in the waiting room for 45 minutes for a room. Apparently they are so booked with scheduled deliveries that didn't have room for someone who spontaneously went into labor. Yikes. I am hoping that doesn't happen to me. We plan to labor at home as long as possible, so when I get there, it should be close to go time. That's the plan at least. Only time will tell at this point what really will go down.

For now, here's a peek into Libby's world this week, according to BabyCenter:

Your baby now weighs about 4 3/4 pounds (like your average cantaloupe) and is almost 18 inches long. Her fat layers — which will help regulate her body temperature once she's born — are filling her out, making her rounder. Her skin is also smoother than ever. Her central nervous system is maturing and her lungs are continuing to mature as well. If you've been nervous about preterm labor, you'll be happy to know that babies born between 34 and 37 weeks who have no other health problems generally do fine. They may need a short stay in the neonatal nursery and may have a few short-term health issues, but in the long run, they usually do as well as full-term babies.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Holiday Blues

For many years, the holidays have been a difficult time for me. I have bittersweet memories from when I was a kid. I associate the holidays with family and this time of year reminds me of my parents' separation and eventual divorce. Feelings of sadness and loss often come up for me at this time of the year.

This year I am grieving a different kind of loss. I can't help but thinking of the baby that we lost in July. If the pregnancy had progressed, I would have been 32 weeks pregnant on Christmas Day. In the month that I knew that I was pregnant, I did dare think ahead to Christmas. I wondered what it would be like to celebrate the holidays while carrying our newest family member. Lately, I have been feeling the loss quite acutely. It is really hard for me to let go of those hopes and dreams.

So I need to focus on today instead. It is CD26. I thought I ovulated around CD 9 or 10 this month. I got a little bit hopeful and did a couple of tests over the past week. They are BFN. So I don't think we conceived this cycle. I know it isn't over until AF shows but I don't feel pregnant. I am glad that we bought the ClearBlue Fertilty monitor. As soon as AF shows, I intend to pore over the instruction booklet. Then I need to move forward into a new cycle of TTC.

Soon, it will be a new year and I am glad. This past year has been very difficult - a rollercoaster of high and lows. I can't say I'm sorry to leave this year behind.

All the best to you and your families this holiday season. I wish you all much health, happiness and joy in the coming year.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Going well so far

You may remember that at our last appointment, the midwife was a bit concerned with my rapid weight gain. I had gained 10 lbs in one month, putting me up 25 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight (which was still a good bit above where I really should've been anyway). Add to that my family history of pre-eclampsia and being at a higher risk of gestational diabetes, and the midwife was quite ready to put the breaks on my weight gain.

She prescribed a diet heavy in proteins, and light on carbohydrates. Whole grains okay. Veggies good. Fruits okay, as long as they were lower on the glycemic index.

So I started the new eating plan immediately - right before Thanksgiving. I made it through Thanksgiving with only a taste of apple pie and not a bit of any other dessert. After that first week, it got immeasurably easier.
I spent half of my college years on Weight Watchers, so I'm used to restricted eating. But this time around is much easier, I must say. Because I'm eating lots of protein and good carbs, I stay full longer. I snack frequently - but now it's things like almonds, hummus with whole grain crackers, or an apple. And amazingly, even during pregnancy, my appetite has gone down. I'm no longer eating everything in sight!

I stepped on the scale about a week ago, and I was already down 4 lbs from my last appointment! Considering how much extra weight I had on me, this is definitely a good thing! I know I've been eating plenty, and baby Citysaur is definitely growing in there. We have another appointment next week, and I think the midwife will be very pleased!
Honestly, I believe the key to my success this time is the source of my motivation. I'm no longer doing this for me. Now I'm doing it for our little baby, and it really does amaze me what a huge difference that makes! It's Christmastime, and that means lots and lots of sweets - everywhere. Cookies and fudge and pies and cakes, all over the place. Sweet treats almost every day at work. And so far, I have resisted every bit of it! The only splurge I've had this whole time was a piece of the top layer of our wedding cake at our anniversary celebration last weekend. (It was quite yummy!) I don't think I've ever been this good at the holidays before!
I really hope all this will keep me healthy the rest of the pregnancy, and allow us to have the birth experience we're hoping for - not to mention keeping our baby boy healthy as well! I suppose time will tell, but I at least feel good that I'm doing the best that I can for him now.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

If it´s not one thing, it´s another...

I mean really, did I have to have this too? Do you remember how last cycle was a bust because of my illness and Mr. Lillysaur being out of town? Well I got some antibiotics for that....and after the antibiotics came a YEAST INFECTION!! Oh boy, how fun. So Our timing was probably off for this month as well. I mean who wants to have sex when your whoo haa is on freaking fire?!? Not me. That´s actually how I figured out that that random itch was indeed a yeast infection--sex was just too darn painful. And now that I´ve shared that bit of TMI and ranted, I´ll return to distracting myself from scratching. Over and out.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Snowy Days and Slippery Roads

Thankfully this post ends positively, but it was a very close call!

On Monday morning I was driving our Jeep (with 4x4 and fabulous tires) to the nearest city to finish up my Christmas shopping when the unthinkable happened. It was the first morning of snow and I was driving extra carefully with road conditions in my little town the way they are, and I began to slide. I didn't even have time to think, but I tried to frantically stop the slide- to no avail. Before I knew it I was bumping and banging full tilt down a huge embankment on the side of the road, and while I thought I would never stop, a huge tree had other ideas. I finally smashed into a tree at what felt like great speed. The air bags went off and my glasses went flying off my face. I can't describe the panicky feeling of thinking that I would be trapped in a smoke filled vehicle at the bottom of a what I considered a ravine, and on top of it I couldn't see! I had to literally stop myself sternly and take a deep breath and make a plan. I managed to open the window so that I could breathe and find my cell phone on the floor completely covered my everything that used to be in my purse. As I undid my seatbelt I had to simultaneously pray that the car wouldn't shift and move further down the embankment and that I would have cell service in a place that usually doesn't.

I don't know how, but nothing on my body was broken, and I felt only mild discomfort under the adrenaline. I phoned my husband and (for his sake) thankfully he didn't answer so I called my Father in Law next, and I am so proud that I didn't give in to the panic I was feeling and said very calmly to him, "Hi, I have been in a fairly serious accident, and I am going to need some help. Can you please come and get me?" He must have been so confused at first. I couldn't even tell exactly where I was, and I was SO scared that no one would be able to find me because you couldn't see the jeep from the road unless you were looking for it.

Eventually some lovely, lovely people came when they happened to actually see the slide marks in combination with my taillights. They climbed down to my car and hoisted/dragged me up the embankment through some seriously rough terrain. I will be forever grateful that they were there. It helped me so much to make small talk rather than freak out. I began feeling cramping, and I was terrified that the accident had hurt the baby. I was convinced I would see blood everywhere when I got checked out. What a feeling.

My husband, my FIL, and our family friend came to the rescue, and were appalled that I had walked out of the accident with only bruises. The jeep had travelled forty feet down and straight into a huge tree. My husband and I drove straight to the hospital while my FIL organized getting the Jeep towed out.

What a great experience at the hospital, and to my relief it confirmed my decision to choose that hospital for the birth. The nurses were magnificent and performed every test they could to appease my mind and make sure the baby and I were ok. I am so thankful that they made such a terrifying and possibly tragic experience so safe and comforting.

I was given a physical for my injuries (mainly gigantic bruising), blood and urine tests, and the baby was checked quickly with an ultrasound for a heartbeat, then an ultrasound for the placenta (which they let Ryan in to see the baby again), and a non stress test. Everything but for my urine test checked out ok! They found some red blood in my urine that I am to watch carefully for any changes, but otherwise, miraculously, both my little guy and I are ok! I was so overwhelmed with happiness that I couldn't speak.

Now I am feeling the effects of some pelvis pain that discourages me from walking or making any quick movements. I have an abrasion on my face and the biggest bruises I have ever seen on my boobs, shoulders, and legs. All of this is nothing in comparison to what could have happened and I am so thankful to be alive. It truly feels like a Christmas miracle.

I have to make my insurance claim today and the only hugely worrisome thing about this experience is that we may not get a fair reimbursement from our insurance company. I know I shouldn't be worried about that, but the jeep was my husband's baby and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that this happened even though it was not my fault. I hope it works out as best as possible.

On a bright note, I am feeling the baby so much more than before! The ultrasound confirmed that the baby is still head near my ribs and facing my spine, so the non stress test nurse made a note on my file because apparently they need to keep their eye on it if he remains breech. I think it's much too early to worry about that!

I have an appointment with my midwife today, so I will mention that, but I think it's going to be a fairly normal appointment. I am slightly worried about weight gain as it seems to have increased rapidly this month considering I didn't gain anything for so long! I wouldn't be surprised if I gained close to ten pounds! Shocking, I know!

So, to leave off with a message, PLEASE, please, be careful driving. An accident is terrifying no matter what, but with a baby housed inside you it's a much different experience!

I hope everyone is having a great holiday season and stays safe!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Thirty-Three Weeks

Today I am thirty-three weeks pregnant. I can hardly believe it. I feel it though. The last few days I have been feeling really big and awkward. I shaved my legs the other day, but fear it may be the last time for a while. Bending at the waist is just not comfortable anymore and I feel like when I try to do it, I cannot breathe. My mom gave me a pedicure feet really needed the attention. LOL! And I am trying to find some warm winter shoes that I can slip on because again, tying shoes and zipping boots is just not very possible these days.

Tomorrow I have my first non-stress test. Although it's causing me stress! I have to go to Labor and Delivery at the hospital. But the deal is they cannot schedule me an appointment. They have to fit me in when and where they can. So I have to call first thing in the morning and then they'll let me know if there's any time available to come in for the test. If not, I just have to call back later. Never mind that I do work a full-time job and am slammed with end-of-the-year deadlines and projects! Now that I am nearing the end of my pregnancy I can see the benefit of not working while pregnant or at least not working the last's brutal! Art least I do have some flexible time at work, I cannot imagine attending to all these medical appointments and having a job with no flex time.

Other than that, the days seem to be flying by. I am into a routine now with the GD diet and testing, although I forgot to take my insulin one morning last week and nearly did it again yesterday. I was two blocks from work, remembered I had forgotten to take my morning dose and had to drive all the way home to do it. I was so mad at myself! Seems my brain is very distracted these days and my short term memory is shot. So post-it notes are my new best friend.

Libby seems to be getting bigger and more active too. My Braxton-Hicks contractions continue...but just a few a day. They don't hurt, but they can be distracting, especially when I am in a meeting at work! I am hoping she'll turn over and be face down the closer we get to her birthday. The last thing I want is a sunny-side up delivery with lots of back labor. OUCH! I have been doing pelvic rocking as well as "hanging my belly" for about 30 minutes a day using my pilates ball and hope that will encourage her to turn over and face down. Hopefully she'll make her move!

According to BabyCenter, here's what's happening this week:

This week your baby weighs a little over 4 pounds (heft a pineapple) and has passed the 17-inch mark. He's rapidly losing that wrinkled, alien look and his skeleton is hardening. The bones in his skull aren't fused together, which allows them to move and slightly overlap, thus making it easier for him to fit through the birth canal. (The pressure on the head during birth is so intense that many babies are born with a conehead-like appearance.) These bones don't entirely fuse until early adulthood, so they can grow as his brain and other tissue expands during infancy and childhood.

image source

Pirates vs Ninjas - the verdict is in!

Our big ultrasound was yesterday...and we're having BOYS!

I was really excited to get the confirmation, but also not surprised that they turned out to be pirates and not ninjas. I've been so certain this entire pregnancy that we're having boys that it was more of a pleasant confirmation than a surprise...I think I'd have been absolutely shocked if they'd turned out to be girls! Don't get me wrong - I'd have been happy either way, but I was so sure they were boys that that's how I've been secretly thinking of them for most of the last 20 weeks.

The rest of the scan went really well: they're healthy and active, and measuring in at 20 weeks, 3 days and 20 weeks, 4 days - it was the first time they've measured ahead of schedule, although of course this is all just based on averages, so next time they could easily be back to one or two days behind, haha! We have to go back in another couple of weeks so they can take a good look at one of the twins' hearts - the tech assured me that he doesn't think there's anything wrong (the blood flow was good, as was the heartbeat), but he couldn't get a good look or take any measurements due to awkward positioning and the other twin constantly getting in the way, so we just need to get "Twin B Heart" officially ticked on the ultrasound checklist.

Yaaaaaay for Baby Pirates!

Monday, December 14, 2009

I Hate my Doctor and Bad News

I am so mad right now and apologies ahead of time but this post is going to be long. But before I get into that I want to say thank you for everyone who had good things to say about my last post and how the doctor was treating me. Today it wasn't any better infact it was worse. I went in for a supposed consultation but that is not what I got. My appointment was scheduled for 3:00 and I arrived about ten minutes early and I sat for 45 minutes before I was even called back. I was the only one there so it wasn't like she had a busy room full of people.

Then I get taken back and she comes in to tell me she can't tell me the results of my husbands sperm analysis because she doesn't know what they mean. WHAT! Then why in the hell did she tell me to come in, why didn't she just say that a week and a half ago. She tells me I need to see a specialist that she can't help me out with my long menstrual cycles. Again, I could have heard this on the phone. So as I am collecting all my paperwork I ask about my last pap. She said it was negative and when I asked about the HPV she said it was negative. Good news but then I wanted to know if that meant the cells that have already changed on my cervix are still bad and need to be monitored or when I should come in for my next pap and she said with a raised voice and an attitude that they were negative. She wouldn't even answer any of my questions about what the HPV had done to my body. With that comment she stood up and said come see me when you get pregnant. At this point I want to tell her she is a raving lunatic if she thinks I will ever see her again.

Don't get me wrong I will forever be grateful that she helped me understand that HPV needs to be taken seriously, and for taking care of my body from that first appointment but since the surgery she has done nothing for me. I do have a fertility center which is located across the street from me so I called my insurance one more time to get a better understanding of what they cover. A very helpful and polite person answered and did a wonderful job explaining that the fertility center is in my network and that I can get tests and a diagnosis covered by insurance. However, once myself or my husband gets diagnosed infertile they will no longer cover any of the procedures or furter testing. So my goal is to get an appointment before the new year because I have already covered my deductible for this year. But it was too late to call after the doctors because they kept me there so long so I'll call in the morning.

I want to at least go in and make sure I am ovulating and see what they think about my long cycles ( I am on day 40) and I am not scheduled to ovulate until New Years. Now for the bad news I was able to read the results from the sperm analysis and they don't look good for us conceiving naturally. According to the results Mr. Relaxasaur has good count and motility but it says he has severe teratospermia which is what my doctor had no clue about. I of course came home and googled it. It means that he has a low percentage of normal shaped sperm. That is what teratospermia is defined as I have no clue how little severe means. Sperm which are abnormally shaped do not swim well, nor do they penetrate the egg well when they do reach it. One site said that is also means they are degenerative.

I don't know how bad his is because they did not put a percentage down on the result sheet for the Kruger Strict Morphology test - it just says severe. According to Dr. Google it looks like intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) is the most common way to help couples become pregnant. I'm not taking this to mean that is what we have to do - I wont jump to any conclusions until I hear it come from a doctor I trust. Now here is the other problem: I can't tell the reproductive endocrinologist about it until all my tests are run because if the insurance company finds out about it I am afraid my tests wont be covered. Or I could wait until I meet my doctor and then tell her about the results and ask they not write it down or let it get to the insurance company. What do you guys think I should do bring it up right away or wait until my results are in?

I like to end on good news so here is the good news I got today. My husband is not sterile and as of today there is a possiblity of us having kids (even if we need help) and my good friend who is pregnant found out she is having a girl. I love shopping for baby girl clothes. Thanks ahead of time for everyones opinions and thoughts. I really do appreciate them.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

When will Aunt Flo come to visit?

I really don't have much of an idea!

Originally, on this cycle #4, I wasn't going to use any OPKs. Shortly after AF ended last time, I thought I had some signals of ovulation. So I did do a few OPK tests this month. And I think(hope!) I ovulated around CD9 or 10. The test line got the darkest I've ever seen it on CD9 and then went back to a faint line the next day. However, it was not equal to or darker than the control line. I have seen several women reporting online that their tests don't get that dark either. I have my fingers crossed that I actually did ovulate this cycle. I think that would be the first time since my miscarriage in July.

I'm not sure how long my luteal phase is though. Which means AF could really come anytime between tomorrow and Christmas Day. My last 3 cycles were 27, 32 and 21 days long. TTC is such a waiting game isn't it?

Friday, December 11, 2009


As if the holidays aren't naturally a time of reflection, Mr. Citysaur and I are coming up on our one-year anniversary, which is causing me to reflect back and think on where I was this time last year, and everything that has happened in the year since.

One year ago today, I was finishing up my last day of work before my long vacation for the wedding and honeymoon.

I was anxious and excited, and could hardly focus on work at all.

One year ago this coming Monday, I married the love of my live. December 14, 2008 was one of the most wonderful days I've had the pleasure of experiencing.

One year ago today, we were both excited about our upcoming honeymoon to New York City. We hadn't yet visited Central Park, or walked the Brooklyn Bridge...

hadn't fallen in love with the City of our dreams, and we didn't know for sure that one day we'd end up there. It hasn't happened yet, but we know it will. And we still miss that city every single day.

One year ago today, I had no idea my father had lung cancer. He was about to walk me down the aisle, and dance with me to What a Wonderful World. We had no idea that he wouldn't live to see the one-year anniversary of that day.

One year ago today, I knew I wanted to start a family, and hopefully soon. I had no idea just how soon we would actually get that joyous news that we were going to be parents. And I certainly didn't imagine that while celebrating our one-year anniversary, I would be six months pregnant.

A lot has happened in the last year. It's been full of the highest highs and the lowest lows. I've tried my best to take everything in stride and remain grounded and stable. I know with a baby on the way, 2010 promises to be full of plenty more surprises. Here's to the next year!
And to my wonderful, amazing husband - thank you so very much for being by my side throughout this tumultuous year. I know it hasn't always been easy, but I am so proud of us and how we've grown even closer because of everything. I cannot wait to raise our son together. I know you are going to be the best daddy ever!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

What's in a name?

Earlier this week, Mr Bibliosaur and I picked out our baby names. I know it's still pretty early, but I wanted to be able to find out the gender at our big ultrasound next week and immediately have some idea of what we wanted to call them. Even if those names should change in the next few months, I wanted to be able to start calling them by name, like Divasaur.

So I popped down to our local public library, borrowed every baby name book they had, searched websites for hours on end (I highly recommend The Baby Name Wizard, Nymbler, and Baby Center), and started drawing up massive lists of favorite names. And then I ran into a stumbling block. Mr Bibliosaur wasn't interested. At all.

I was bewildered. How could he not care what we name our children?!? Eventually I realized that it wasn't that he didn't care (far from it!), but that the method I was using to find names - reading thick books full of tens of thousands of names and making long lists - didn't work for him. We were both frustrated because he thought it was a horrible, mind-numbing task and I wanted him to be as involved in this process as I was.

And then, as I sat looking at him one night, I realized something: he's not a list maker. I am. He's not an analyzer. I am. For me, it's not a task to sit and read every single one of the 25,000+ names in a baby book. I've been fascinated by names and their meanings ever since I was a small child - I used to regularly sit and read my mother's battered copy of The Best Baby Name Book in the Whole World for literally hours on end. Mr Bibliosaur, on the other hand? Not so much. I'd squeezed a few preferences out of him, but nothing approaching the list I'd created (which I was also having difficulty getting him to cull).

So I got a pack of index cards, and I made four piles of names: two piles for girls, two piles for boys. One pile was of names that we liked as first names for girls, while the second was of names we preferred as middle names. I did the same with the last two piles for boys' names, although for simplicity's sake I'll just show the girls:

I don't know if you can tell in this picture, but the first names (top) were actually written in a different shade of blue than the middle names (bottom). That gives you some kind of insight into my personality, lol!

Because I'm overly organized, I also looked up each name on the Social Security's list of baby names, noting how popular it was in 2008. We were hoping to avoid anything in the top 100 - I grew up with a very common name, and I'd prefer that our kids wouldn't have to be So-and-So #5 in a classroom. We did have a few names that were higher on the list than I'd have liked, but for the most part we were drawn toward less popular names anyway (including a surprising amount that weren't even in the top thousand in the last nine years).

Mr Bibliosaur watched me the entire time with a bemused look on his face. He always knew I was drawn to organization - I work in a library, after all - but this seemed a bit extreme, even for me. And then I gave him the piles of cards, and explained my plan. Clearly Mr Bibliosaur needed something physical to work with, instead of just a vague list of names on a page. So I was giving him something he could touch.

The middle names were spread into rows, and then you took one of the first name cards and held it next to each middle name as you went down the row, checking to see if it worked with any of the middle name choices.

And lo and behold - it actually WORKED! The cards gave Mr Bibliosaur something to interact with and made the names seem a lot more real. They also swiftly helped us figure out which combinations did and did not work it was a lot of fun to shout and play-wrestle over the cards when the other person used a veto and flicked one of your names off the table!

The piles got shorter:

And shorter:

And shorter:

 Until eventually there were just a few names left in each pile:

That's when it got hard. By this stage we were both pretty attached to our favorite names, and it took a fair amount of negotiation to thin the cards any further. We weeded out a few of the last stragglers by looking up their meanings - some we liked and others were just blah, so we kept our favorites and flicked the rest.

And in one evening, we narrowed our list from nearly one hundred names to just six. Three for boys, three for girls - so we're not quite there yet, as we need to get it down to just two for each. And as I said earlier, I'm fully aware that these names could still change - we could go through the rest of this pregnancy completely set on something, then suddenly change our minds at the last minute. But we're a lot closer than we were, and I'm a lot happier now knowing that the odds are good that when we have our big ultrasound in a week, we'll have something to call our babies. 

So what did we pick? Well...we're not telling just yet. But I will say that they're not any of the names you can see on the cards in these photos. :)

Happy 40th Birthday to Me!

Last Monday was my 40th Birthday. It was what I used to think of as my fertility "expiry date." Many people have assured me that this isn't necessarily true. But I still had it in the back of my mind. And last Monday I bought myself a little 40th Birthday present:
image source

I ended up getting the Clearblue Fertility Monitor with 30 test sticks off of e-Bay. It seemed appropriate that the auction ended on my Birthday. The monitor and strips are pretty expensive to buy in the stores in Canada. We ended up saving $100 this way. I talked it over with Mr. Pharmasaur and he thinks it is a good idea to try this monitor out. I have read many positive reviews about it and I figure it can't hurt, right?

I am on Cycle #4, CD17 today. My monitor appears to be in Canada Customs right now. I'm pretty sure I'll get it in time for my next cycle. Of course, I 'd love it if we got a BFP this cycle and didn't need it at all!

If anyone has any tips about using the monitor, I'd love to hear them!

Riding the Emotional Roller Coaster

That's right. I am riding this crazy roller coaster of emotions. Last week I was feeling great about where I am at in life. Mr. Relaxasaur and I had a "check in" talk. We like to keep our lines of communication open and every now and then we like to make sure we are both good and happy with our relationship. We went out to a nice dinner and talked about the what ifs of TTC. We said that if we didn't have any kids in the next five years we would move the city and try city life for a while and then consider adoption. I try to tell myself that for me children aren't everything. But I don't think I will know for sure until we are faced with the real possiblity of never.


As we wait for our results from my hubby's sperm analysis I started to worry a little that we can't have kids. The longer we have to wait the more my mind freaks me out. The other day for no reason whatsoever I cried four times about nothing. It was a tough day and then I tell myself not to try to not worry until we get the results. We took the test almost 3 weeks ago and the results have been sitting in my doctor's office for a week and I have been calling everyday and she will not call me back. Her secretary called and asked me to call the place where we got the testing done and get the results from them. So I called them and they said they only conduct the tests and they don't keep the results in the office and to call my doctor for them. So I call my doctor back and of course her assistant said the same thing she has been saying all week that the doctor will call me when she gets a chance. Then last night her assistant calls and says my Dr. wants me to get the results from the lab and I again explain they don't have them and it is really starting to piss me off. So I told her to fax me the results and she said she would tomorrow after the doctor comes in.

I knew this wouldn't happen so I called today and talked to a different woman and asked her to get my file together including the sperm test results because I would be picking them up and switching to a new doctor. I explained that I also have been wanting come in and get tested for PCOS and the other assistant kept telling me to talk to the doctor about it when she called me back, which I didn't understand why she wouldn't just set me up and appointment, plus I wasn't getting called back so how can I talk to the doctor. So this woman asked me when my appointment was with the other doctor and I told her Dec. 31st. She asked me if I wanted to come in on Monday for a consultation for my irregular cycle and get my husbands lab results at the same time. I figure I have nothing to loose. Then she tells me she can't really tell me the results without the doctor signing off but she say that it states Mr. Relaxasaur is advised to see a urologist.

So I am assuming something is wrong. My heart sank. Not for me but for my husband. See he loves children, he works with kids for a living and does want to be a father someday. We don't know what is wrong yet I will find out Monday so until then we are trying to stay positive but it is hard to not wonder about our future. I do know that this is going to be a long weekend. On top of all that I stopped acupuncture. I wasn't seeing any changes in my cycle, my energy is better but I didn't want to continue spending the money until we know for sure that we can have children of our own. I am currently on cycle day 43. Plus, I found someone who specializes in fertility acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicine, and is also an obgyn so when and if I continue I will switch practitioners. That is about all that has been happening my household and I will post an update after I get the results back.

Thanks for reading and have a nice weekend.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Luckysaur- Week 25

Here we are at week 25...the weeks just keep ticking by. They seem to be going so much faster now. I'm not sure if it's the time of year or the new job. Either way I don't mind. I can't wait to meet our little girl and the faster we get to that point the better as far as I'm concerned. I always thought that I would love being pregnant. As much as I love feeling Sophie kick around in there, I'm ready to be back to my normal self again (with our new little one, of course). Does anyone else feel the same way?

I haven't done one of these questionnaires in a while so I decided to add one back in today.

How far along?- 25 weeks

Total weight gain/loss- A LOT! Seeing the numbers on the scale increase as much as they have has been the worst part of pregnancy for me.

How Big is Baby?- A rutabaga!

Maternity clothes?- Definiately. My belly's getting bigger by the day (along with everything else on me).

Stretch marks?- No new ones yet. I know that it may not help, but I've been slathering my belly with lotion every day when I get out of the shower. I figure it can't hurt.

Sleep- I'm currently a 3 pillow sleeper. I have one for my head, one for my belly, and one for my back. So far this is working out great for me and I'm sleeping very soundly. I'm hoping that this continues for a while longer.

Movement- Oh yeah... Mr. Luckysaur and I could see it from the outside for the first time this past weekend. Sophie was super active right after dinner on Friday night. I was lying down on the couch and every so often she would kick and my belly would move. She's getting stonger!

Food cravings- Nothing in particular. I'm usually hungry for a big lunch, but I don't seem to snack as much during the day as I had been.

Gender- Our little Sophie is a girl. : )

Labor Signs- None so far.

Belly Button in or out?- Still in...yeah!

What I am looking forward to- Everything. Haha. I'm excited about Christmas even though it will be the first one that I'm not spending with my family. We spent Thanksgiving with my family this year, so Christmas we'll be with Mr. Luckysaur's family in St. Louis. I'm also looking forward to my shower which is planned for 01/30. My sister and mom are hosting it for me back in Florida so I'll be heading down there in January (yeah!).

I took a picture last week even though I didn't post it. Here's my week 24 picture.

And here's my week 25 picture.